I think it's time we all took a quick break from the political bickering/backslapping/etc and took a moment to laugh uproariously at the naivete of a not quite so young anymore Mormon boy.
So, allow me a few minutes to relate a most important tale to you all. I have learned two valuable lessons. The first part is that I am extremely Naive. The second will follow the story. So please, sit, grab some popcorn, and continue with care, for this tale is unsettling indeed.
So after I got home from work last night, I realized that I had a screaming headache and my back was sore. I have Scheuermann's disease, which is a deformation of the spine similar to scoliosis but with the vertebrae malforming front to back rather than side to side. It's what makes hunchbacks hunchbacks. Mine is a mild case, but it has resulted in my developing a monstrous rib cage and some truly massive back muscles. Sadly, it also means that my back is kept in constant stress and I have to get massage therapy on a fairly regular basis. I have a regular therapist that I go to, and I had tried earlier in the day to schedule an appointment with her, but she was booked up. As such, I mounted up in the ole Subaru and went out looking for a place to get a massage. I live in Mesa, AZ, and there are lost of massage places around. There's a Massage Envy near my apartment and I went there first. I drove around a bit trying to find the place. I finally found it and went in to see if I could get a massage. They were booked up for the night as well, and I thought for a minute about setting up an appointment for the next day, but my back was screaming "NOW, dang it! NOW!".
I thought, okay, I'll see if I can find another place nearby. Then I remember that there was a place in the mini-mall across the street. It said very boldly, "Massage" outside, and they had a sign that said, "Walk-ins welcome." They were still open so I thought, what the heck, I'll try it out. I've been to many many different massage parlors before and have walked in to all of them, and I thought nothing of it.
So I walk into this place and it looks like most of the massage parlors I've seen. Water sculptures, cozy furniture, etc. I see a sign that says, "Press button for service." This seems a little odd, because a big binging button isn't something I've seen in a massage parlor, but I figure, whatever. Then, a gorgeous Asian girl in an attractive (and short) blue dress opens the service window and says hi. I also find this odd, since most of the massage therapists I've been to are dressed comfortably in scrubs, sweatpants, whatever. I shrug it off thinking, "Different strokes, whatever. I need a massage." I say, "Hi. I would like a massage." To which she responds, in a thick accent, "How long?" I say an hour, cause that's how long it usually takes to get the kinks out of my back. To this she responds, "60 dollars" I say, "Ok," She says, "Pay first" and holds out her hand. Again, I think this is odd, since, well, no massage therapist has asked me to pay up front before. Again, I figure "whatever" and pay.
So the lady opens the door to the back area and leads me to the first room. This is all normal massage stuff, I've done this before. So okay. We go into the room and says, "Okay, you take off clothes." I expected this. Every massage therapist I've been to has asked me to "Dress down to your comfort level" and left the room immediately. Except that she didn't leave the room immediately, but stood there staring at me. I find this very odd, and some suspicion is arising in the logic centers of my brain that I have just made a serious mistake. I become a little skeptical of my situation at this point.
But, I figure, maybe this is just some cultural thing, and start disrobing while she's standing there. As I start she exits the room and I get down to my trunks, then I notice that the massage table doesn't have the typical full body sheet that all the others I've been to do. This begins the warning signals in my brain.
I decide, well, I guess I'm paid up, so I might as well get this over with. I lay down on the table, face first, and put the tiny little towel on the table over my manbutt. For, you know, modesty. She comes back into the room and steps by the table, then snaps the wasteband on my trunks as says, "You take off?" To which I let out a very nervous, very feeble, "No thanks." And she starts the massage. Fairly normal massage for a while, til she straddles my back. This, normal massage therapists will not do, so in my head I'm just lacing out strings of "Oh crap oh crap oh crap...I didn't sign up for this! I swear!" and then trying very hard not to...uhh...react to the massage.
About halfway through the massage she starts talking. She says stuff like, "Oh, you such a big man. You make my hands tired!!!" And the only response I can come up with is a stifled yelp. At this point she switches from Massage mode to Caress mode.
And I start reciting baseball statistics, childhood songs, scriptures, whatever I can to...well you probably know why. It's at about this time that I hear the first of what would turn out to be three rounds of inexplicable slapping noises from the rooms next door, and after a couple minutes of the Asian lady caressing my back, which was actually kinda nice, she has me turn over and starts caressing my chest and legs and I'm conjuring pictures of rat feces and dead dogs in my head. Then she says, "You want anything else?" in a very sultry voice.
To this I can only manage to squeak out a very quiet and nervous, "No thank you." To which she responds, "Are you sure?" And I say, "Just a massage." Then she says, in a voice of great disappointment and consternation, "Why!? This you first time! Why you do this to me!?" I realize now that she was probably hoping to do...whatever it was that I don't want to know about but that I absolutely know about, rather than massaging my bulky self.
I can't say anything else in response because my vocal cords have shut down at this point. She ends up finishing the massage like a normal massage person would, and I'm able to relax a little now that the dreaded moment has passed. She finishes up in what I can swear is significantly less than an hour (the whole thing took about 30 minutes, I found out when I got back to my car), but I really don't give a crap cause all I want to do is get the hell out of there. She says we're done, I get my clothes on in record time, she gives me a bottle of water and as I'm walking out of the room she gives me a hug and says, "You so handsome!" to which I can only chuckle and then she looks at me and goes, "Tip?" To which I can only respond by grabbing my wallet and giving her everything in there which amounts to 10 bucks. She then begs me for 20 dollars more and I say I don't have more and she says, "Debit card?" And I'm like. "OKAY FINE JUST LET ME GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" So she takes me up front to the card processor and at this point I don't even give a crap that she can see me put my PIN in, I just want out. So I finish off the transaction, say no to the receipt, and hightail it the hell out of there.
So...This is my story, and an experience for the ages. So to add to the lesson that I am an extremely Naive almost middle-aged Mormon boy, I have learned the most important lesson of all. If all you want is a massage, don't go to the place that just says, "MASSAGE" outside. Especially if the windows are blacked out.
Posted by DustinDopps (Member # 12640) on :
Ha! That's a great story, Boris. Here's mine:
My wife and I were living in Oklahoma City and had been married for about two years when she got me a massage for a birthday present. She went with me to the massage parlor, and the staff there were surprised to see a married couple come in.
"She got you a massage for your birthday?!" the Asian lady at the front desk asked incredulously.
"Yeah. She's going to get a facial while I get a massage," I answered.
A minute later a door opened up and six or seven women came out to stand in a line. "Who do you want to give you your massage? You pick!"
That was weird, because the other time or two I'd had a massage they'd just asked if I wanted a male or female therapist. Since I was naive, I said "Um... I'll take whoever's turn it is?" They laughed and a lady took me back to the massage room.
She seemed surprised that I kept my underwear on (just like your "therapist") and didn't try to make a move on me, luckily. But looking back on it, I'm pretty sure I looked like a yokel to them. The massage was decent, at least!
Posted by CT (Member # 8342) on :
Oh, my, guys. Oh, my.
*grin
Posted by scifibum (Member # 7625) on :
Funny
Dustin, I'm terribly curious: did your wife perceive anything wrong with the situation at the time? How about later?
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
He's gotten one from himself there every year since.
Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :
Sadly, the massage was not decent. It probably would have been if I hadn't been trying very hard to not think about what I knew the Asian lady was expecting to happen during this experience. So...90 bucks and a nerve-wracking half hour later I left the building more stressed than I went in. The creepy part was that even after telling her I just wanted a massage, she kept on giving me openings and hinting at what she was expecting me to want to do.
I will say this in all seriousness, I know I am a naive man. I live in a bubble of obliviousness so dense that even idle gossip does not pass through. I knew that places like this existed, but to me they were far away and exotic things that I would never be in a situation that would expose me to them. I was absolutely not expecting one to be less than a mile from my apartment. And I'm not even in the seedy part of town!!!
Posted by Dan_Frank (Member # 8488) on :
Well, it's a little seedy.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote:The creepy part was that even after telling her I just wanted a massage, she kept on giving me openings and hinting at what she was expecting me to want to do.
Yes. The reason for this is that they live on the extra "tips" from the service, because the flat rate of the massage is often rather poor. By not getting one of the unlisted "services" for which clients are expected to tip heavily, you had no reason to tip heavily and were potentially an opportunity cost until you let her rip you off via your debit card.
Posted by Samprimary (Member # 8561) on :
a huge percentage of the asian massueses are pressed into service too and they're not keeping up dividends for themselves but rather to keep their 'handlers' satisfied
Posted by Szymon (Member # 7103) on :
Funny sentence. About you getting your massage and your wife getting a facial in a brothel.
Posted by DustinDopps (Member # 12640) on :
My wife didn't think anything of it until after we left. I brought it up in the car on the way home. That was 14 years ago, and we still laugh about it every once in a while.
And I moved away from OKC a few months after that, so no, I've never been back. :-)
Posted by Miro (Member # 1178) on :
In Bahrain, there used to be a big sign on the side of a building that said "Chinese Men Massage". I always wondered if the massages were for Chinese men, by Chinese men, by Chinese people for men...
I never went inside to find out.
Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :
quote: Yes. The reason for this is that they live on the extra "tips" from the service, because the flat rate of the massage is often rather poor. By not getting one of the unlisted "services" for which clients are expected to tip heavily, you had no reason to tip heavily and were potentially an opportunity cost until you let her rip you off via your debit card.
I think at this point I should point out that I didn't "let her rip me off." I say this because I am *very* aware of this:
quote: a huge percentage of the asian massueses are pressed into service too and they're not keeping up dividends for themselves but rather to keep their 'handlers' satisfied
And I was more than happy to give her money to cover what she would have gotten had I not been in the absolute wrong massage parlor.
Also, can you try not to be so abrasive, Tom. I'm trying not to be a jerk this time back to Hatrack, please don't make it harder for me.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Maybe it's just where I grew up, but "massage parlor" has a bit of a different connotation around here. Anyone who grew up within a couple miles of 8 Mile in Detroit knows what goes on in those little hole in the wall places.
I wouldn't feel too bad though. It might have been "naive," but it was an honest mistake.
Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :
Oh I don't feel bad at all. I've been sharing the story with as many people as possible because it was the most hilarious experience I've had in a while.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote:I think at this point I should point out that I didn't "let her rip me off." ... Also, can you try not to be so abrasive, Tom.
You did let her rip you off. You tipped a prostitute with a debit card and didn't get a receipt. If she doesn't rip you off, it's not because you were careful.
Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson:
quote:I think at this point I should point out that I didn't "let her rip me off." ... Also, can you try not to be so abrasive, Tom.
You did let her rip you off. You tipped a prostitute with a debit card and didn't get a receipt. If she doesn't rip you off, it's not because you were careful.
Yeah. Because I totally haven't already shut down the damn card...Tom, I work in IT security...I kinda know what I'm doing. And for the love of god stop trying to pretend you're better than everyone else by posting crap in that tone.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Sorry, Boris. It's a pain to get a new card.
Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :
Thank you for the apology. I appreciate it.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Oh, I'm not apologizing for being harsh. I wasn't harsh. I was sympathizing with your having to get a new card.
Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :
Let me put it this way, tom...normal people who care about the feelings of others would have responded to this story by saying something closer to "that's a funny story, but you should really be more careful with your debit card." Instead, you immediately responded to my funny story by trying to make me look stupid. I am naive, but i am not stupid. And if you really think that your tone in the posts you made here wasn't unnecessarily ascerbic, i would like to recommend you spend some time taking some communication courses.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Yeah, see, I could spend time explaining to you why you're so incredibly off base, but I'm afraid it might make you feel like I was trying to make you look stupid. So let me just sum up by saying that while I do genuinely appreciate your willingness to share your opinions with me, I don't really look to you for lessons on human nature and don't see many reasons to begin doing so.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Oh come on.
There's really no need to be intentionally provocative.
It's a thread with a funny story, can't we just let it be?
Posted by Szymon (Member # 7103) on :
While in Western countries it's usually something like "massage parlor", in China (PRC) it's a little different.
I spent close to a year in China. I don't get a haircut often, usually when my hair is starting to get annoying (same goes with my beard, I'm super lazy and don't care much about how I look, what really infuriates my girlfriend sometimes). But every three months or so there comes a time, when I need to get one. So I'm in China, in the southern, lovely, warm (and unfortunatelly pretty humid) province of Guanxi (where "Earth Afire" action took place, btw, I was reading it there, fun experience).
While in the capital city of Guilin, I saw barber shops by the dozens. Really, everywhere. So, one afternoon I go to explore and find the cheapest, but decent place. (It is a thing among laowai, foreigners, in China to buy cheap things or services and then compare who won, because it is so ridiculously cheap it becomes a competition). My story is not as great as Boris's, but I hope you don't mind.
My mandarin is quite ok, so I was pretty confident. As a white person you get a lot of curious looks, so this was the case this time, too. In Guanxi mandarin is not a spoken language like in Beijing or Xi'an, but when I start using it, the Chinese are kind enough to use it, too.
So there is a barber shop, I walk in. A pretty, young girl says in English: "Hello! Hello! Massage! Massage!". Taken slighly aback, I smile, say: "Hello", take a few steps back, look up at the sign. Even my poor reading skills are enough to understand that it is a barber. So I say in poor mandarin: "I'm sorry, I thought I could get my hair cut here". I don't know why it's a thing in China, but people seem not to want to speak in Chinese when they can speak at least a little English. So she replies in English: "Yes! Yes! Massage! By hand-o, by hand-o!". Yeah, well, I hope it's by hand, wait, what...? I looked at the gesture she was making with her palm and wrist and understood. Probably turned red, said: "Sorry". And left.
But that wasn't the end. A middle-aged woman came running after me, her English much better then her ... employee's? Any how, she started say things like: "Eighteen, beautiful, you handsome man, they are all very young, beautiful, love, 300 rmb!". At that point I start to almost jog. "250rmb, eighteen...!".
So, that's my story. Beware of some barber shops in China.
[ February 20, 2014, 05:34 AM: Message edited by: Szymon ]
Posted by Mr. Y (Member # 11590) on :
Just imagine the barbershop quartet... Posted by narrativium (Member # 3230) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lyrhawn: Oh come on.
There's really no need to be intentionally provocative.
It's a thread with a funny story, can't we just let it be?
This is why we can't have nice things.[/meme]
Posted by vineyarddawg (Member # 13007) on :
Having just read The Lost Gate, I couldn't help but flash back to that creepy scene between Danny North and Lena... Posted by GaalDornick (Member # 8880) on :
quote:Originally posted by Boris:
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson:
quote:I think at this point I should point out that I didn't "let her rip me off." ... Also, can you try not to be so abrasive, Tom.
You did let her rip you off. You tipped a prostitute with a debit card and didn't get a receipt. If she doesn't rip you off, it's not because you were careful.
Yeah. Because I totally haven't already shut down the damn card...Tom, I work in IT security...I kinda know what I'm doing. And for the love of god stop trying to pretend you're better than everyone else by posting crap in that tone.
But can't she still charge what she wants assuming you didn't shut it down before she swiped it? What would be the point of shutting it down? I'm genuinely curious, not trying to be a jerk.
Posted by GaalDornick (Member # 8880) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: Sorry, Boris. It's a pain to get a new card.
I don't really see why it's a pain. I had to do it once. You call the bank and they send you a new one in the mail.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
she has the numbers, and could make multiple charges on it, or sell the numbers to a syndicate overseas. Really.
Posted by scifibum (Member # 7625) on :
I think Boris took care of that risk by getting the card cancelled.
GaalDornick: It's a pain if you can't access your checking account for a few days or have to update a bunch of billing services with a new card number.
Posted by GaalDornick (Member # 8880) on :
If he was standing right there waiting to get his card back, could she really have gotten the numbers?
Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :
Technically, yes, and fairly easily with the right equipment. It was (or appeared to be) a verified card processing machine, but I can't be certain that someone didn't install card number recording hardware in it, or that she didn't run it through a non-certified card swiping device when I was putting my PIN in, or that she doesn't have a photographic memory. If I put a block on it, they have to send me a new card and PIN, so even though she saw my PIN, that is now useless since it has changed. Also, she wouldn't be able to use it as a credit card because the CCV number has changed with the issuance of a new credit card. (CCV is passed to card readers and is generally a requirement in processing cards over the internet now). And I don't mind losing my checking account for a few days, since I rarely carry cash (or have need of it except to give to beggars and pay entry fees to dances, and since I've got a few months of recovery from ankle surgery to go, that's out) it's not a big deal to me.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
quote:Originally posted by scifibum: I think Boris took care of that risk by getting the card cancelled.
GaalDornick: It's a pain if you can't access your checking account for a few days or have to update a bunch of billing services with a new card number.
Yeah, I know....I was just clarifying the risk. Also, she probably could have added whatever she wanted as a tip before he canceled it.
Posted by GaalDornick (Member # 8880) on :
quote:Originally posted by Boris: Technically, yes, and fairly easily with the right equipment. It was (or appeared to be) a verified card processing machine, but I can't be certain that someone didn't install card number recording hardware in it, or that she didn't run it through a non-certified card swiping device when I was putting my PIN in, or that she doesn't have a photographic memory. If I put a block on it, they have to send me a new card and PIN, so even though she saw my PIN, that is now useless since it has changed. Also, she wouldn't be able to use it as a credit card because the CCV number has changed with the issuance of a new credit card. (CCV is passed to card readers and is generally a requirement in processing cards over the internet now). And I don't mind losing my checking account for a few days, since I rarely carry cash (or have need of it except to give to beggars and pay entry fees to dances, and since I've got a few months of recovery from ankle surgery to go, that's out) it's not a big deal to me.
But you run those risks anytime you use a card?
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Yes, absolutely. On the other hand, it's relatively rare that you use a debit card to pay someone you know is engaged in at least one sort of criminal activity.
Posted by tertiaryadjunct (Member # 12989) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: Yes, absolutely. On the other hand, it's relatively rare that you use a debit card to pay someone you know is engaged in at least one sort of criminal activity.
On the third hand, it takes a pretty stupid criminal to draw attention to their front business by engaging in obvious debit card fraud.
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