So there's a guy at my school that I've been friends with for a while, and I had a crush on him for a while, probably three months or so. He's a junior and I'm a senior. About two weeks ago, I told him that I liked him and we've gone on two dates since then.
I can't describe the happiness that I felt the day we went on the first date (which was a play at my school). It felt like the best thing that had ever happened to me, and best of all, it was easy. We were a little shy but it wasn't that awkward. Then we saw each other the day after that, when we went skating with our friends (we do that every week). We were still a bit shy but we still spent a lot of time together.
The next week at school, we saw each other a good amount during lunch, after school, etc, and during this time, all our friends became officially aware of our relationship and we changed our relationship status on facebook (a startlingly important move...). We held hands a lot, talked a lot, all that stuff, and the shyness pretty much went away. We spent all day Saturday together at the aquarium, walking around, lunch, etc. The thing is, ever since maybe last Thursday or Friday, right before our second date, I've lost that happy feeling I had before. The thing is, he pretty much wants to be with me ALL the time. Despite the fact that most people would see him as socially awkward, and this is the first relationship he's ever had, it turns out he's not the least bit shy when it comes to physical contact/intimacy, whatever you want to call it. When we're at school together, at lunch or hanging around with our friends, he's always holding my hand, got his arm around me, etc. Obviously that would be okay if we were alone, but I just don't really feel comfortable when he's always holding my hand, touching my face, etc, when all our friends are around. It just feels weird. I find myself wishing he were more reserved, even more shy. I've never had a serious relationship before, and I can't handle this.
Back when we were just friends, he WAS reserved, sort of quiet, or sort of SOMETHING that made me really think I could love him. Is it possible for a person to be completely different when you're just friends with them, compared to when you're in a romantic relationship?
It's only been two weeks, but every day I feel myself wishing more and more I had never done this. The easy answer could be to just break up, but I don't feel like I can do that. I started this relationship, and now it's clear he really, really likes me. We've already planned to go to prom together, both his prom and mine. I really, really don't want to hurt him. I couldn't stand that. But worst of all, it's hard for me to remember exactly why it was that I liked him. Whenever I'm alone thinking about it, I come up with schemes in my head to make it work, or else I just tell myself to stick it out for a while, at least until I leave for college, and it feels like it'll be okay, and then I'll be sitting somewhere and he'll come over and hold my hand, tightly, when I just want to sit and talk to my friends, and I'll feel like I want to scream. I really did like him before. I really really did. I look at stuff that I wrote about him before we actually started dating, and I DID like him. I just can't remember WHY.
Ehh. I just need someone else's opinion on this, because I can't stand having it go around and around in my head, and I don't really have any real life people I would want to talk to about this. With all our friends around all the time, and prom(s) coming up, and considering how much he likes me, it feels like there's only one thing I can possibly do, whether I like it or not. If I broke up with him, I'd have to explain it to everybody, and that would be so hard. I couldn't stand trying to explain it to him. I can't even explain it to myself. Opinions?
Posted by Tara (Member # 10030) on :
P.S. Sometimes xkcd explains your soul.
Posted by scholar (Member # 9232) on :
I think you should tell him that you are not ready for that much physical intimacy. Feeling pressured physcially constantly can be a big turnoff. If he doesn't back off, then you have a pretty good reason to dump him.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:Back when we were just friends, he WAS reserved, sort of quiet, or sort of SOMETHING that made me really think I could love him. Is it possible for a person to be completely different when you're just friends with them, compared to when you're in a romantic relationship?
*nodnodnodnodnodnodnod*
Chalk it up to inexperience. Talk to him if you want, but don't feel bad if his change in personality has ruined his chances with you.
Posted by MattP (Member # 10495) on :
I don't think letting him glom on to you and breaking up are the only options. Perhaps you should discuss with him how these behaviors make you uncomfortable. I've been married for 15 years and there are still things I do that bug my wife - she tells me and I stop - problem solved.
If he is able to back off a bit, you'll be in a better place to try to figure out what you liked about him. If he can't, then maybe it's time to break up.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
Communication FTW!
Seriously. Never underestimate the power of "talking about it."
Just do not, under any circumstances, say "We need to talk." And then plan on talking to him later. Letting him stew in his worry=evilness.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
Yup! Tell him your uncomfortable with all the public touching.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote:Is it possible for a person to be completely different when you're just friends with them, compared to when you're in a romantic relationship?
Yes, absolutely. He may be so incredibly relieved to be over that initial hurdle of "does she like me" that he's now hurling himself at you.
Honestly, I'd point him at your post above.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: Honestly, I'd point him at your post above.
Ech. Do not, under any circumstances, pull this sort of passive-aggressive cowardice, please.
Posted by brojack17 (Member # 9189) on :
Just be honest with him and tell him you are not into that much public intimacy.
If all else fails, break it off.
Good luck.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
quote: The easy answer could be to just break up, but I don't feel like I can do that. I started this relationship, and now it's clear he really, really likes me. We've already planned to go to prom together, both his prom and mine. I really, really don't want to hurt him. I couldn't stand that. But worst of all, it's hard for me to remember exactly why it was that I liked him.
This doesn't sound to me like it can be fixed with a conversation about boundaries on physical affection; sounds to me like you're over him. There is NOTHING wrong with breaking up with him, no matter who started what. We date to figure this stuff out; yeah, sometimes people get hurt along the way, and then we get over it. What your friends think and say is only so much really overrated background noise.
But if you do think that his backing off would make things better, by all means have the conversation.
And hey, maybe you can still go to the prom(s) as friends, if you both want that.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Back when we were just friends, he WAS reserved, sort of quiet, or sort of SOMETHING that made me really think I could love him. Is it possible for a person to be completely different when you're just friends with them, compared to when you're in a romantic relationship?
Yes yes yes it is. The vibe I am getting, and I could be off base is that he feels a tremendous amount of gratification in physical affection that he has not known before, as you are his first girlfriend. I am reminded of my own first girlfriend. Whereas I thought I would be way too coy to hold hands or put my arms around girls, it turned out that when I had a girl who dug me as much as I dug her, it was a huge facit of my emotional expression. I love holding hands and cuddling. I've matured since then though, and so while I love doing it, I can tell how often my wife wants to, and I am not a big fan of gushing over my wife in public and making sure everyone knows we are together.
Sounds like your man is overloading it for you, and probably does not realize it. Why not just sit down with him and try your best to explain just what is really going through your head. I know what it's like to start relationships that you get uncomfortable with after days or a few weeks tops. I can say now that I wish I had at least attempted to work things out rather then just throwing in the towel and running.
Posted by Starsnuffer (Member # 8116) on :
My advice too is just tell him what you feel and why it is you feel it, and let him know that it bugs you, so you can find a happy middle ground.
Posted by Liz B (Member # 8238) on :
I agree with Uprooted...sounds like you're over him. Do you feel uncomfortable and kind of icky around him? Will proms be fun or a chore? Are you still excited to see him?
I have SO been there. It is NO fun to go to prom with a boy you're not into, just because it's socially awkward not to. *shudders*
Good luck...
Posted by Launchywiggin (Member # 9116) on :
Dating in high school is largely an experiment in acting out what your expectation of a relationship is. His behavior (and yours) mirror what you think a relationship "should" be--this is a concept that helped me understand why I was completely inept with girls.
Attraction isn't something you have a lot of control over--and once it's "gone" for someone in particular, it's REALLY hard to get it back. It sounds like you've already lost the attraction, and if your subconscious mind is already made up about it, I think the only real problem here is your fear of hurting his feelings and feeling guilty.
From experience, the longer you wait, the more it hurts for both parties.
And of course--communication and honesty. Those can't be echoed enough.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
quote:Originally posted by erosomniac:
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: Honestly, I'd point him at your post above.
Ech. Do not, under any circumstances, pull this sort of passive-aggressive cowardice, please.
I don't see how telling him in writing exactly how she feels is either passive or cowardly.
Posted by James Tiberius Kirk (Member # 2832) on :
Depends -- is she sending the link without identifying herself as the author, or is she dropping him an email?
--j_k
Posted by Zhil (Member # 10504) on :
Writing to him to tell him her feelings is a decent idea, but pointing him to that post where she talks about their relationship with a bunch of anonymous strangers on the internet is not. It'll just make him feel alienated or betrayed.
I think everyone else pretty much covered the good advice. Communication, etc...
Posted by Threads (Member # 10863) on :
I don't think Tom literally meant for her to say "Hey look! I posted about my problems with you on an online forum!"
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
I think that's exactly what Tom was saying. If she shows him the post that's hardly passive-aggressive, IMO.
If it were me, I'd just mention that the PDA makes you uncomfortable. I'd first do some thinking about why that is so I could explain my rationale, too.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by El JT de Spang: If she shows him the post that's hardly passive-aggressive, IMO.
Agreed. OTOH, I agree with Zhil -- ouch!
quote:Originally posted by El JT de Spang: If it were me, I'd just mention that the PDA makes you uncomfortable.
Yup.
quote:Originally posted by El JT de Spang: I'd first do some thinking about why that is so I could explain my rationale, too.
Thinking about it is a good idea -- figuring out feelings is almost always a good idea -- but I think I disagree about explaining it. The trouble with an explanation is that it can be argued with, and that is rarely productive.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
It's true that explanations can be argued with, but I think there's a good chance an explanation would make him feel less like she's ashamed to be affectionate with him. Unless that is the case, in which case I want to change my rec. Posted by Juxtapose (Member # 8837) on :
You could just be suffering from overexposure. It can easily happen when you both go to the same school. Might taking a few nights, or a weekend, for yourself help things? This may not be the case, just a thought.
As far as the PDA thing goes, remember that he's feeling his way* through this relationship thing as much as you are, and possibly more so. He might be initiating all the hand-holding and whatnot because that's what he thinks he's supposed to be doing. As others have said just tell him how you feel, assure him you're not ashamed to be seen with him, and remember that it doesn't have to be a huge deal (unless he ignores your request).
*Heh, bad pun. Sorry. Posted by adfectio (Member # 11070) on :
A few minutes to type a quick note:
This is something similar to what is going on with a couple of sophomores I go to church with. They are friends, and do well together, but you can tell they really like each other. They dated for a while, and then she broke up with him saying that he acted different when they were dating. After they broke up he went back to acting the way he did before they dated, and she started liking him again.
It's a vicious cycle. So I really think the best thing you can do is try to communicate your problem to him. Let him know. Most guys worth having are willing to spend time to fix problems in a relationship. At least that's my experience from talking to my friends and suchwhat.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
Chemicals.
Posted by Tara (Member # 10030) on :
You guys give a lot of good advice. Thank you. Knowing other people go through the same thing makes me feel better, even if I don't know what I'm going to do yet.
I haven't really talked to him yet, except I spent less time with him today than usual and didn't let him hold my hand for awhile (he sort of grabbed it after awhile, and let him hold for five minutes or so and then let go). He might have gotten a clue from that, or else he might not have picked up on anything at all.
*sigh* I know I need to talk to him. It'll happen.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
You gotta explain things to him. Don't just go cold on him. He won't understand if you do that. Talk through the backing away. Heck, you might find that there is a lot about him that you do like, once you get to talk to him like that.
Posted by SoaPiNuReYe (Member # 9144) on :
If you break up with him, make sure you don't do it in a note or anything like that if you want to remain friends with him. Notes can be really impersonal for these types of things, especially since he likes you a lot more than you like him.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Two things I learned along the way about giving feedback:
1. Sometimes you can couch it in purely positive terms and/or in mutual terms rather than singling the other person out: "I really like it if ..." or "It's so great when we ..." (e.g., save cuddling for our times alone, because that makes it more private and special), etc. This might be too subtle, but it may be worth an initial try.
2. Try to avoid "but" just like you avoid "we should have a talk." The word "but" doesn't do any good other than to make the other person's stomach drop and get the defensive shields up. Most of us dislike it! You can usually substitute "and" for "but" and get the same meaning across without the additional negative connotations: e.g., "I think you are wonderful, and I really like it when we can be separate enough that I can see you clearly -- it's hard for me to do that when you are touching me. When I sit apart from you a little bit, it gives me a chance to appreciate you more as a separate person, and that's pretty hot," etc. Again, it may or may not work for you, but it may help the communication stay positive instead of feeling like you're kicking a puppy, or something.
[ March 05, 2008, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: ClaudiaTherese ]
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Agreed with most of what's been said here. Ya'll just need to talk it out. If talking it out doesn't work, and it's clear that he's not getting it or that he can't handle what you're saying, then you go from there, and maybe it won't work out. But don't stress out before you've even talked to him about it.
I think talking things out is something that gets passed over in high school relationships. People learn instead to bottle things up, and then break ups come out of nowhere. That's partially been my experience anyway. My high school girlfriend broke up with me her senior year and didn't tell me the real reason why. I found out years later that she'd told her other friends at the time that she felt suffocated, which to this day I don't understand since she was like a barnacle and was totally not okay with me spending time with people without her. But that's an example of how a simple conversation might have saved a lot of misunderstanding and problems that followed. [/anecdote]
Talk it out, and good luck.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Lyrhawn!!!
tsk!
Surely you know how to spell y'all! Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Damn. And the funny thing is I think I've been corrected on that on Hatrack before.
Well too bad! That's how we spell it in Michigan now! I'm making it official.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lyrhawn: Well too bad! That's how we spell it in Michigan now! I'm making it official.
I think you need the signature of a state legislator or two.
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