I haven't been around much lately, though I've been lurking. The truth is, I think I'm feeling a little shellshocked. Or maybe I'm not. You see, on Wednesday, I asked my boyfriend to move out, and I've decided to proceed as though he's going to make no effort to keep me around. So far, I've been very right.
We were together for a year and a half, and he didn't introduce me to his parents. Now, it would be one thing if they lived across the country, but they live in the next town over. And despite the fact that in theory, we lived together, he was gone about four nights a week. Now, I know this probably sets off alarms for plenty of people, but at this point, I really don't think that suspicion is going to do any good. I'm just finally fed up with being with someone who's so unreliable. I know exactly why it took me so long to get to this point. He's very good with sweet, romantic gestures. I've already had a few women a bit baffled at my feelings about this situation, which I guess is understandable. I'm sure plenty of women would love for their boyfriends to do some of the cute, thoughtful things he's done.
One of my friends put it this way: It's like having all of these awesome accessories, and no car. What good is it having a sunroof and a CD changer when you don't have an engine? Or a body frame?
Why am I even making this post? I don't know, honestly. I guess because this is my first serious relationship, and it looks like it's ending. I told him we could date and that I wanted him to get his priorities straight, but I've given him so many chances before that I don't expect anything different to happen. We've had the same fight several times a month for the past...oh, a while now. But what's bothering me at this very moment is how little it seems to be affecting me. Shouldn't I be an emotional wreck on the couch eating an entire store's worth of ice cream? Does it make me heartless that I'm not completely falling apart? Should I expect to completely break down at some point in the future, or have I already done all the crying I'm going to do? I've had a pretty short "getting over it" period in the past, but before this, the longest I was with anyone was a handful of months.
Is it possible that the worst feelings are over already?
-pH
Posted by SoaPiNuReYe (Member # 9144) on :
Maybe you've done the crying and mourning before you kicked him out?
Posted by Lupus (Member # 6516) on :
quote:Originally posted by SoaPiNuReYe: Maybe you've done the crying and mourning before you kicked him out?
Thats what it looks like to me. You have been dealing with the fact that he hasn't been there for a while now, you are just now making it "official."
I've been in relationships where I was upset when they ended...and I have also been in relationships where I felt it had run their course and they just ended. I think many times those are the relationships are the ones that you can exit and still be friends. You both realize that you want different things, so the end doesn't really hurt as much. Rather than anger you just feel disappointed that things couldn't have worked out differently.
*shrugs* at least that is how things have sometimes worked with me. I think every person, and every relationship is different.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Well, regardless of what he does or doesn't do, good for you for recognizing your needs were not being met (and he wasn't even making an effort) and getting out of that kind of relationship before it turned worse. I'm sorry about the pain you have undoubtedly had to go through on account of it, though. (((hugs)))
Posted by porcelain girl (Member # 1080) on :
You may feel some pangs later, but it sounds to me like you are experiencing relief from ending an exhausting pattern.
I also agree with the others; you've probably already expended a lot of grief just in getting to this point.
You're a strong lady, and good for you for knowing what you deserve. I echo the accessory/car analogy, and will turn it into a food analogy. A woman cannot live on siracha alone. Bring on the burritos.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
You already did the mourning, I think. I seem to recall a couple phone calls a few months ago where you were going through this, so I suspect you finally just wore down. There's only so much lack of engine you can take.
Posted by jasonepowell (Member # 1600) on :
When you've fought very hard for something, not having to fight any more is a huge relief. In this case, it's sad that he didn't ever get his stuff together, but that's not your job.
Relationships are hard, but the basics aren't. Contributing more than 50 percent of the relationship effort is both difficult and draining - not having to do that any more means that you only have to focus on getting used to living alone. He never invested himself in the relationship, so why do you need to be heartbroken? He didn't ever give you a reason.
The only thing you should be concerned with now is figuring out how to avoid folks like him in the future and getting used to being single again - which is kind of exciting, as you get to make your life anything you want, with no concern for someone else.
Posted by krynn (Member # 524) on :
pH, i agree with the consensus of the previous posts. I agree myself mainly because something very similar happened to me after a 3-year relationship. after having doubts and arguements it really takes an extra effort on both sides to keep the relationship going. so even tho he sounds like he has a lot of good qualities, they dont make up for him not caring. the car example u gave is a good one.
When i met you at the end of march, you seemed very intelligent and had a good grasp on your life. Knowing what you want is important. I dont think it will be terribly hard for you to move on and find better things in life.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
One of my worse fears is meeting a boyfriend's parents... But I am social phobic....
Feel better...
Posted by Eduardo_Sauron (Member # 5827) on :
ph, hugs to you.
I also hope you feel better about it.
Posted by the doctor (Member # 6789) on :
(((pH))))
It is indeed possible to begin the grieving process while still nominally "IN" a relationship. Especially if you've been through it all before.
Not exactly pleasant.
I hope this opens the door to many more pleasant things in the future.
Posted by Evie3217 (Member # 5426) on :
Pearce, I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup, but I have to agree with everyone else. It seems to me like you've been having a really tough time and it's taken a lot of emotional energy to have to deal with it. The fact that it's over means you actually get to breathe again, and I'm sure that probably comes as somewhat of a relief. That said, if you need to talk or anything, I'm online most of the time, so just IM me whenever you need it. (((Pearce)))
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
I'm sorry for the changes, which are tough, but it does sound like you are moving on to a better place for you. Take care, pH.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
What was he doing 4 nights a week? Working, or playing?
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by Kwea: What was he doing 4 nights a week? Working, or playing?
Working. Which is what made it so difficult for me, I think. On one hand, there were plenty of people repeatedly suggesting that he was NOT, in fact, working. On the other hand, I've had a couple of friends imply that I should be appreciative that he's so willing to work or support him in his career or something along those lines. In other words, cut him some slack. But I feel like I gave him a ton of slack for a year and a half.
-pH
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
You call letting him WORK cutting him slack?
Sometimes things just don't work out. This is probably best for both of you, to be honest.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
quote:You call letting him WORK cutting him slack?
You're misinterpreting, dude. The guy works 18 hour days, 7 days a week. It wasn't at all unusual for him to work until 3am, catch a few hours sleep (in his car in the parking lot, no less), and go back to work at 7. Wouldn't you agree that that's a bit excessive?
Posted by fugu13 (Member # 2859) on :
Also, my impression is that the problem was more his lack of communication, and especially his lack of follow-through to communicate at times he said in advance he would communicate.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by El JT de Spang:
quote:You call letting him WORK cutting him slack?
You're misinterpreting, dude. The guy works 18 hour days, 7 days a week. It wasn't at all unusual for him to work until 3am, catch a few hours sleep (in his car in the parking lot, no less), and go back to work at 7. Wouldn't you agree that that's a bit excessive?
JT's got it. Working? Working is good. Not being around to breathe down my neck is good. Never showing up...bad. He also, since we started dating, told me many, many times that "next month will be better." Or "next month I'll start getting days off." Next month was never, ever better.
-pH
Posted by Primal Curve (Member # 3587) on :
Sorry to hear it, pH. I hope the next guy is a good balance of parents-visiting, hard-working, SO lovin' & Rock n' Roll badass.
![[Frown]](frown.gif)