This last week I met somebody for the first time. I stuck out my hand to shake hers as a greeting, and she came in for a hug. I awkardly and resentfully returned it. I've got to say, it left a horrible first impression on me.
So, how common is this in y'all's circles? Do you do it yourself? Does it bother any of you?
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
I think it depends. While I personally wouldn't hug someone when meeting for the first time, I belong to a very touchy-feely clique of people (actors and theater folk). So, if I'm somewhere hanging out with a new person, we won't hug on first meeting, but we might be on hugging terms by the end of the night.
I might be weirded out if someone I didn't know just came and hugged me, but I don't think I'd be "resentful" of it.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
I'm reasonably affectionate with people I know, but that's a little offputting, for sure.
My least favorite greeting is the kiss on the cheek -- am I kissing their cheek or are they kissing mine? Both?
Handshakes are a little formal for me, and pretty much all of my friends and acquaintances have moved on to some less formal version that's somewhere between a shake and a five.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
Except when pressured into it such as in the above mentioned situation, I don't know how many years it has been since I have hugged anybody but my wife and my children. It's not something that I do.
[ November 27, 2006, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: mr_porteiro_head ]
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: Except when pressured into it such as in the above mentioned situation, I don't know how many years I have hugged anybody but my wife and my children. It's not something that I do.
Reminds me of being a missionary and having companions who insisted that we hug so as to remove ill feelings of each other.
I'm sorry but my hugs are given not required of me.
Having said that, if it's somebody I do not know and they go in for a hug, I am willing to return it as I do not wish to cause incident, but its going to be a light one, and you won't see me initiate it.
I have found most people subconsciously notice when they have to initiate the hug after several instances and stop doing so if you never do it first. If you don't notice it (and this RARELY happens) Ill take a step back and hold my hand out, since they seemed to need the hint.
Posted by kojabu (Member # 8042) on :
I don't like being hugged by people I just met/don't know all that well. I'll hug good friends when we're leaving for breaks or just because they're there.
Like JT, I also don't really like the cheek kissing greeting. I put up with it with my relatives because I kind of have to, but the only person I like having kiss any part of me is my partner.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
I'm a demonstrative person, and have had to learn to not assume everyone else will be okay with that. So I try now to not use hugs as my initial method of greeting. But I used to quite a bit.
Now I realize that makes certain people very uncomfortable -- including my oldest son, who hasn't hugged me in years. I guess he has helped me to understand it more than I did before.
FG
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
I'm a hugger, I admit it. If I know that someone is averse to that kind of contact, then I try to stop myself before I make the move, but I do know that I'm not always successful. The cheek kiss thing, though? Nope, no way, not as a greeting. That I reserve for people I know well.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I'm a gushing greeter, but I do not hug. Eye-contact, hellos, possibly an invasion of personal space, but no contact unless they initiate it.
There are very few exceptions to this. I don't completely object when someone else initiates it, but I don't like doing it myself at all.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
I hug a lot, but not normally on the first meeting. It just seems a little presumptuous to hug someone you just met. *shrug* but I wouldn't pull away if someone did it to me and I probably wouldn't even think it significant or remark on it. I'm used to giving and receiving hugs as greetings.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I wouldn't hug a person RIGHT when I met them. But if it's a guy and we've been talking a while, I might hug him goodbye. The cheek kissing thing is really awkward for me, and a lot of girls here do it. It usually just ends up with them kissing my cheek and me...um, just kinda leaning forward. I once had a blind date kiss me on the cheek right when we met, and that was pretty strange for me as well. But I have more trouble with personal space when it comes to other girls (like I have less trouble with cheek-kissing with guys). I think it's because they're generally smaller than me, so for some reason it's...really weird.
-pH
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
In my crowd, the hugging greeting is not done. I do not like it at all when a strange man puts an arm around me, or even touches me. I'll tolerate a handshake, although I'd prefer even that was withheld. Unless it is someone that I am intimately close with (parent, husband, child), I do not want to touch any men.
I don't mind women touching me, although I do think it is a little forward when it's a stranger.
I really think that this has more to do with religious restrictions than with any weird hangups on my part.
But when we do meet, lets just say hello and leave our hands to ourselves, 'kay?
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
Not to hijack the thread but I had a question.
Perhaps I am wrong but I outside of mere culture I don't think you can effectively argue more or less personal space as better or worse.
Having said that, is there impropriety on having no personal space? Seriously try to consider that without any biases. I personally don't like the idea, but I can't really articulate why outside of, "It just feels wrong."
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
I don't do it myself, but I don't normally have a problem returning it (assuming it's not, say, a student or something). I wonder if it's a cultural thing; I remember seeing southern ladies doing that sort of thing all the time in Georgia.
I actually have less of a problem if it's a woman doing it than if it's a man. I generally am more inclined to pull away from a guy trying to do that (not that too many have), mainly because I suspect (the straight ones, at least) of attempting to surreptitiously enjoy my, er, assets. Not that a woman might not be doing that, as well, but that's not the first thing that springs to mind.
On the whole, though, I'd prefer just to hug and be hugged by my husband and possibly close friends (the vast majority of whom are female).
Posted by Astaril (Member # 7440) on :
I can see how that would be unpleasant, mph. While I like hugs now, it's only with people I know and like. I was never a huggy person growing up, even with family. I think huggers sometimes just forget that hugging for everyone is not, as you say, something you do.
In theatre, I find a lot of other actors will hug you as soon as they meet you, particularly if they're excited about anything at all at the time, or if they've ever heard your name mentioned once by someone else, in which case the hug will invariably come with a "It's SO great to meet you! I've heard SO much about you!".
The cheek-kissing thing doesn't really bother me, except for that flash instance when they go in for it, and your brain goes "Whoa! Face coming toward my face!" before it registers the intention for a cheek-kiss.
What I hate is the insincere hug. You know what I mean. The hugs from the people who don't normally hug everyone, but have hugged someone else in your presence just now and so feel like they need to hug you too, even if they don't like you or don't know you, presumably so they don't look mean or so you don't feel left out, which is ridiculous, when you both know neither of you wants to be touching the other. Ugh.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
To touch without invitation is incredibly rude, and any such overture from a stranger would be met with a warning air-bite. If they persist, a not-so-warning bite.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by King of Men: To touch without invitation is incredibly rude, and any such overture from a stranger would be met with a warning air-bite. If they persist, a not-so-warning bite.
Rabies!
-pH
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
quote:Originally posted by King of Men: To touch without invitation is incredibly rude, and any such overture from a stranger would be met with a warning air-bite. If they persist, a not-so-warning bite.
Now, just to be clear. Is this a nipping bite, or a clamp and hold bite?
I just want to complete my mental image.
Posted by Andrew W (Member # 4172) on :
Really I just think people need to chill right out. I'm not a touchy feely person, and it really, really bugs me when my cousins stand far too close and I have to walk backwards around the room for our entire conversation, but really, in the scheme of things, whats a hug?
If someone hugs you, just hug them back. If you're a guy they're not trying to cop a feel. And if you're not, and they are, hit them.
Some people hug, some people don't, unless you have actual medically recognised psychological problems with your personal space, it really shouldn't bother you at all. And if it does, you shouldn't let it.
AW
Posted by Luet13 (Member # 9274) on :
When I was in high school, everyone I knew did the whole hug and cheek kiss thing. Thank goodness that has died out. There are a few people that I will most definitely hug when I see them. But I don't hug people I don't know or just met. That's a little odd.
On the topic of theater: I teach musical theater for high schoolers, and am not much older than them. Some of them hug me, and some of them don't. Sometimes the hugs from the teenage boys (I'm a woman) make me uncomfortable 'cause I just don't know what's running through their hormone addled brains.
EDIT: We're doing 'Schoolhouse Rock' this spring, and this topic made me think of this song. Elbow Room Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
I don't have a problem being hugged by women, generally... Even if I just met them. Men though, well, if a strange man hugged I'd be weirded out.
Posted by ChaoticBlizzard (Member # 2914) on :
I gotta say i'm a hugger. Well maybe not the initial introduction but if I meet a person and they're quite friendly I'll offer a hug before we part our ways. Usually when i'm meeting someone new whom I'm going to be hanging out with for longer than 5 minutes it's a friend of a friend and in that case I usually extend a hug their way.
I don't think I ever do the kiss on the cheek thing unless it's a close female friend of mine. I don't know i'm just the outgoing friendly person in my group of friends and usually it's the female who will extend the hug to me and I love my hugs.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Stay out of my bubble. Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
*stabs Mackillian*
Posted by Astaril (Member # 7440) on :
*hugs mack*
Awww, muffin! Oo didn't get enuff wuv in oo's childhood, did oo??!
*pinches cheeks for good measure*
*pauses*
*looks at mack*
*looks at mack's rapier*
*puts on full body armour and runs away faster than Forrest Gump ever dreamed of*
Posted by Samarkand (Member # 8379) on :
I don't think I've ever been hugged when I first met someone. Maybe like a great aunt when I was eight? However, I have been hugged goodbye by someone I just met that night, if we'd established a good connection, and that was fine. I have a bubble, and people I like may enter, and people I'm not too sure about should stay out. Yep.
I HATE when drunk guys I don't know and like get in my space. It's hard not to knee them where the sun don't shine. When guy friends do it it's funny though, because it's so out of character and I don't feel unsafe. Plus sometimes they just need a little extra help staying steady.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by Tante Shvester: But when we do meet, lets just say hello and leave our hands to ourselves, 'kay?
*lower lip wobbles*
quote:Originally posted by mackillian: Stay out of my bubble.
No. (((((mack))))) Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
I don't like to hug or kiss strangers. Southern mexicans do that and it makes me feel uncomfortable, not that I know many but I have met a few.
Posted by maui babe (Member # 1894) on :
Here in Hawaii, everyone hugs - especially women - and there's a lot of air-kissing too. It was quite a culture shock for me when I first moved here from the inter-mountain west, but I'm used to it now. I even freaked out a woman I used to know slightly when I hugged her when I ran into her this summer while I was visiting back there. I'd just gotten off the plane and wasn't out of my Maui mode when I ran into her unexpectedly.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
Since you've already told me that I have no aloha, I shouldn't be surprised to discover that common Hawii practices would really bother me.
Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
Shoot, my "How To Properly Refuse A Hug" MS Paint sketch disappeared in the Foobonic shutdown and a subsequent hard drive death.
Anyone have a copy saved?
Posted by Hank (Member # 8916) on :
Las year one of my roommates had to interview some people about dating practices for a class. One of the questions was something along the lines of, "when in a relationship is hugging appropriate?"
One of the guys said, "I don't believe in hugging. If you're not confident enough to go for the kiss, then just say goodnight." We asked him "why", and he said, "Y'know that look on a girl's face when a guy she's not comfortable with hugs her? I NEVER want to be responsible for that look."
Posted by Astaril (Member # 7440) on :
That reminds me of the creepiest hug I've ever had. I gave a guy on the street a few dollars late one night while walking home. He seemed to have some developmental sort of problems, so when he said thank you quite profusely and gave me a friendly hug, it didn't seem that out of place and I awkwardly let him do it. Then, however, he suddenly grabbed me and started kissing my neck, in way that said much more than "Thanks for the change". Very thankfully, when I backed up and stammered "I need to be going now", he didn't argue. It happened so fast, it seemed creepier afterwards than while it was happening.
I can still remember the feeling of him on my neck though. Gahhh.
Posted by Cactus Jack (Member # 2671) on :
Almost the only people I ever talk to are at work and I think it's like the law now that nobody at any work is allowed to hug. Ever.
So it's really a non-issue for me.
Like, Astaril, I think that giving that guy some money technically made him an employee, so the second he made inappropriate advances you could have sued him for harrasment in the workplace.
You probably could at least have got your couple of dollars back.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
That's foul, Astaril - I'm sorry. Posted by Lisa (Member # 8384) on :
I'm not a huggy person. <shrug>
Posted by Stone_Wolf_ (Member # 8299) on :
I love to hug, but never hug on a first meeting...that's just weird.
I'm a big guy, 6'2" 275, so I devoloped the bad habbit of picking people up while hugging them. After I put out a few backs I stopped that.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
quote:I'll tolerate a handshake, although I'd prefer even that was withheld. Unless it is someone that I am intimately close with (parent, husband, child), I do not want to touch any men. ... But when we do meet, lets just say hello and leave our hands to ourselves, 'kay?
I'm glad you posted this, Tante, as it helps put things in perspective. Except for this conversation and another one I've had with Riva, it would never have occured to me that a handshake might be too forward for some people. And even knowing it, I very will might forget it if we ever meet in person, because shaking hands is just what I do.
I guess hugging is just what she does.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
All I have to say is
(((((((mph)))))))) Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
*iriminage*
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
Awww... the jatraqueras I'd most like to hug aren't huggy people =(
Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
I've noticed that I have a fairly small personal bubble. I tend to hug/touch people I know. I don't normally hug people when first meeting them (that would seem a little weird to me), but I might hug someone after spending time with them. I try very hard to take cues from people and not invade their space, but I'm sure it doesn't always work.
Posted by Eduardo_Sauron (Member # 5827) on :
Porter, I keep trying to imagine you here in Brazil, hehehe. There are so many huggers here! I bet you went through really trying times, didn't you? :-)
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
Actually, it was really easy as a missionary. Hugging wasn't appropriate for us, so I had no problems refusing them. I got pretty good at sticking out a stiff arm for a handshake, which prevented them from coming close enough for the hug.
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
I hug a lot, mostly women I know, as a greeting. I think I've been socialized that way. Left to my own devices, I would probably not hug people as much. I've hugged my son's teacher, but she (surprisingly) grew up just a few miles from where I did, and culturally it just seems natural. Arm-around-the-shoulder-and-squeeze kind of thing.
I hug family. Sometimes because I genuinely want to express affection and sometimes because it is expected.
I used to go to a church where people hugged a lot, and the father of one of my friends made a habit of hugging me inappropriately. So I don't know if I'm naturally averse to hugging males in a friendly way or if the negativity I feel is a learned thing.
I spent some time in Brazil, and had no trouble hugging everybody. It may have more to do with what I perceive as people's ulterior motives in hugging than the hugging itself.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
At Halloweem (a Mensa convention) they give out pins that state your hugging preferences: "Yes, hugs!", "Please ask first", "No hugs for me, thanks" (paraphrase). I really like that idea, because it takes some of the awkwardness away. Just look at the person's pin!
I would be rather o_O at someone I've just met hugging me. For the most part, I don't think it would bother me, but there'd probably be a few exceptions.
One of my coworkers here has a smaller personal bubble than I. She stands very close when talking to me, and often touches my arm. I've grown used to it, but I can't say I'm comfortable with it, because I still do the mental leaning back thing.
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
I used to be regularly backed into a corner when talking with my mother. She had a very small bubble.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Xnera, that sounds like an Asperger's conference more than a Mensa one. Although there could be some overlap.
Rivka and Pix, I'm not really averse to girly hugging, so... Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Trust Mensa people to use supreme brilliance at solving trivial problems. Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: Actually, it was really easy as a missionary. Hugging wasn't appropriate for us, so I had no problems refusing them. I got pretty good at sticking out a stiff arm for a handshake, which prevented them from coming close enough for the hug.
This is how I dissuade people from hugging me upon meeting if I sense it's going to happen.
"Hi!" *BAM* arm thrust!
I'm a big fan of hugs, but a fairly selective hugger. I tend to not have problems hugging women, but I'm enough a creature of my culture that I'm almost never entirely comfortable with hugging a man. If a guy tries to hug me unexpectedly, even if I've known him my whole life and am completely comfortable around him, I tend to shy away.
Posted by Flaming Toad on a Stick (Member # 9302) on :
If a random stranger came up to me on the street and asked me for a hug I would give it. I'm a very huggy person.
It might just be my culture, though. When I was in Lebanon, I greeted dozens of people I never met with a hug and a kiss on both cheeks. It's just custom.
Posted by Juxtapose (Member # 8837) on :
quote:posted by erosomniac: I'm enough a creature of my culture that I'm almost never entirely comfortable with hugging a man.
That's why some brilliant, brilliant guy invented the pseudo-hug. The one where you shake hands then go in with your left for the manly back thump. Sort of like a hug, but with one arm each creating a nice barrier between torsos.
It says, "We're friends, but this is the closest our genitalia will ever get to touching."
Posted by scholar (Member # 9232) on :
I have a problem deciding what to do wtih my in laws. After five years of being married to their brother/son, I feel like a handshake is a bit formal. But, when I give a hug, they get all stiff and it just seems uncomfortable (my husband is huggy with me and always has been, but when we meet up with his family, if he hugs them it is an awkward hug on both sides). Most unexpected hug I ever received was from a prof (older woman) after the exit interview for her class. I have never had a prof hug me before or since and was like, um, what the heck, kinda half hug back in confusion.
Posted by Eduardo_Sauron (Member # 5827) on :
If I ever meet any of you in person, I promise to hug everyone but Mph. ;-)
Posted by Azile (Member # 2312) on :
I dislike being touched, period-- but when I am on the recieving end of a hug, I assume most people don't hug me out of malice. It doesn't make me hate the hugging any less, but I appreciate the sentiment.
It is like if I were a father, and my kid gave me a box of snails for my birthday, I'd feel touched. I'd still slip the box into the trash bin once he leaves the room, but all the same, I'd feel touched.
ETA: I hope psuedo-hugs catch on with women. Being hugged is awkward enough but the fact that it’s so squishy (!!)
Posted by Eduardo_Sauron (Member # 5827) on :
touched...by snails? Posted by Azile (Member # 2312) on :
Better than humans! Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Eduardo, I don't hug guys, and I'm pretty Tante said the same. Actually, a few people expressed the desire not to be hugged.
Posted by Eduardo_Sauron (Member # 5827) on :
Now you're talking. Humans are gross! Yuck!
Posted by Eduardo_Sauron (Member # 5827) on :
Ok. No prob, Rivka. You and everyone else who lack the desire to be hugged can mail me a 40-page form stating that, hereby, you're a non-huggable person. Don't forget the duplicates, please. Whenever anyone try to hug you, ask them to read the form. By the end, I'm sure the hugger-wannabe will have lost any desire to hug.
Oh, yes. And I'm not a simple male. I'm a Maiar. Big difference.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I don't hug mythical critters either. Posted by Eduardo_Sauron (Member # 5827) on :
*cries* Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
IMO, if you feel uncomfortable being hugged, it says a lot about you, and less about the hugger.
That being said, I only think this because I have noticed my unwillingness or discomfort with hugging is usually related to how I feel that day, or how I fell about that person, or how that person looks. Also, I have known certain people to dislike being touched by anyone without permission, and I find these people to be generally arrogant and unlikeable. Not to say that is always the case, but it's something I get from people who say, "I don't like to be touched," that tells me I shouldn't trust them, that they have no investment in other people or in trusting me in return.
There is something quite basic in the difference between cultures geographically as well. When I spent a summer in Europe, meeting only Europeans all the time, I was sometimes kissed by strangers (always very attractive women, I have no idea why that was the case ), and being taken aback, but also opening myself up to it and enjoying the disparity that was great enough to be understandable.
The hugging thing is what Americans worry about, while in Europe it is awkwardness over kissing, while male friends in many countries freely hold hands and drape arms across each other. I think what's interesting is that when I was confronted with a TOTALLY different standard of personal space, it was foreign enough to be clear to me in terms of intention. The most important thing in dealing with people of an even closer culture than between Americans and Europeans, is to understand their intentions and see them objectively, not judging them by your own exact standards. I think Americans are deceived GREATLY by our homogeneity of entertainment, accent, and political issues, because place to place we really are different people.
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[Angst]](graemlins/angst.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Kiss]](graemlins/kiss.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Evil]](graemlins/evil.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Cry]](graemlins/cry.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
), and being taken aback, but also opening myself up to it and enjoying the disparity that was great enough to be understandable.