Okay so I'll give more details if needed but here's whats going on. I'm up at school while a guy I dated over the summer is at home. We've gotten more serious through phone calls and a visit he made up here to see me. We're now discussing whether or not to date exclusively (which would restrict me more than him cuz there are very few prospects where he lives). I'm looking for input about how these types of situations often work out. Part of me wants to jump right in but I'm nervous and would like the wisdom of those who have more experience!
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
How often would you be able to see each other?
-pH
Posted by socal_chic (Member # 7803) on :
It would be around once every month to a month and a half.
Posted by socal_chic (Member # 7803) on :
Its a pretty long drive and hard to get time off work for him.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
That could end up sucking...
How often can you talk on the phone?
-pH
Posted by Jhai (Member # 5633) on :
That doesn't sound *too* bad, but, as always with relationships, it'll only work out if you guys want it to. I have a friend here at my uni in Indiana (west of Indy) whose girlfriend goes to Ohio State. They're both juniors. They see each other once every three or our weeks, and that, along with a decent number of phone calls, seems to work well for them. They did start dating in high school (their senior year), so they had that time to build their relationship before being separated.
I'm also currently in a long-distance relationship; my fiancee graduated from our college last May and took a job at a start-up in Silicon Valley. With lots of phone calls between classes and visits during breaks, it's working pretty well. But, again, we had a long time to build a base before trying to do the LDR thing.
Posted by socal_chic (Member # 7803) on :
We can and have been talking almost every night on the phone and I'm pretty sure he's willing to keep doing that.
Posted by socal_chic (Member # 7803) on :
Jhai- Yeah that makes a lot of sense. It was kind of tricky for us because it seemed to be getting more serious as the time for me to leave for school got closer and we didn't resolve anything like that before I left...
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
I also am in a position where I only see my boyfriend every three or four weeks, as he's a six hour drive from me. It's hard sometimes, but we both feel that it's totally worth it, so it works, and we persevere. Like Jhai said, it depends on how serious you both are about it working out. If the will power is there on both sides, it's a lot easier to deal with. The situations in which it does NOT work out is if you two aren't as ready for that as you thought you were, or if the will power is stronger on one side than the other. Otherwise, it can be successful. Posted by lem (Member # 6914) on :
Long distance relationships are the best. You are always happy to see each other. You have free time to do what you want and focus on your life goals. You still get to see each other and keep up in each other’s lives because of the internet. Unless not having frequent physical contact is a deal breaker, I say go for it.
Of course if you already recognize and are concerned that you are restricted “more then him” because he has “very few prospects,” then maybe he is not worth it for you. Playing the field is best done in youth, in my opinion.
Posted by socal_chic (Member # 7803) on :
Iem- Fair enough. I'm not really concerned per se but I can understand exactly what you're saying. It wouldn't be healthy for me to start out already thinking that I'm putting more into the relationship than him.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I'm having trouble with distance in my relationship because even though he lives forty-five minutes away, he works eighty-hour weeks. It can be a big strain. Also, being always happy to see each other can be bad...I think long distance relationships often mean that you don't really learn how to disagree because you're always so happy to talk to each other and don't want to upset the balance.
-pH
Posted by socal_chic (Member # 7803) on :
Thanks for all the words of wisdom...I appreciate all I can get !!
Posted by Jhai (Member # 5633) on :
Or, if you fight when you can see each other, it's a much bigger deal, since you don't get to see each other that often.
I'm personally kind of glad that I'm in an LDR right now; while not having a warm body to cuddle with is sad, I also don't have a lot of time for cuddling. My senior year is HECTIC. If he were around then I'd feel bad that I wasn't spending enough time with him. This way I can call him randomly throughout the day when I have a free moment, but I focus the rest of my time on getting everything done. In my experience, boys can be a lot like puppies... you have to given them enough attention or they start to chew up your stuff.
That being said, I do really miss the small day-to-day things like waking up next to each other and telling about our freaky dreams, getting into tickle fights, or watching a movie in the living room. Those little things are often quite important to a relationship.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Fahim and I had a long distance relationship until the day we met and married. It worked well for us. But we're not exactly normal.
Like others have said, it doesn't always work, it frequently doesn't work, and it will only work if both of you want it to and do what is necessary to make it work.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
What gets to me a lot is when I have a problem or something happens and I really need support...80% of the time, he can't really be there.
-pH
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
I would say the most important part is that you choose to be together. If you know that the one you are with is the one you want, and that you know when you ARE together, it's the happiest you'll be, then all those times apart are hard, but at the same time there's a softness to it, you know what you're waiting for, and it's worth it.
Besides, between webcams and phones and such, things are less difficult than they seem.
Posted by TheGrimace (Member # 9178) on :
One thing I'd also like to bring up that is vital is this: Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
Unfortunately I'm in a LDR right now where everything is mostly working except for the fact that neither of us really have any prospects to be closer together in the near future. (she wants to stay near her family and I don't have many career options near her, as well as not wanting to leave my current job at the moment)
So if you know it would only be long distance for a few months before you guys would be back together, then you can generally get through a lot more easily.
Posted by Shanna (Member # 7900) on :
I just got out of a LDR. We were together for 11 months, with only the last two being apart. The distance wasn't the reason we broke up but it certainly made things worse. There can be misunderstandings and arguments in relationships and its harder to handle them when you can't see the other person.
What I've learned:
-Keep communication open. My ex and I talked everynight. It was comforting to me but also stressful. Sometimes it was difficult to have an entirely conversational relationship. I wanted physical closeness and would sometimes do anything I could to keep the phone call going. We got so wrapped up in talking to each other everynight that we didn't get to lead our own lives. He worked and I was in school and the relationship was cutting into time we should have spent with friends. It became a burden. I wish we had discusses earlier cutting back our phone calls.
-Find things to do together. Watch a tv show over the phone. Play online games. Each read the same book so you can discuss it. I know I really missed just watching movies or cooking with my guy. Its harder finding things to do together when you're apart.
-Don't put too much stress on your physical time together. Its good to want to make the best of his visits, but not every visit is going to be the "most memorable time of your life."
I think the success of a LDR depends on the personalities of the people involved. Some people may be more likely to develop trust issues. Some may feel over- or underwhelmed by the attention from their partner. Some may be more willing to work through a rough patch while others would rather cut and run and pick up when y'all are together again.
Posted by scholar (Member # 9232) on :
The problem I have seen with ldr is jealousy. I knew a couple were they kind of went crazy- what are you doing, who are you doing it with, you were supposed to be with jane tonight and I called there and you weren't there and who were you with, etc. Of course, she did end up having a fling so perhaps his distrust of her was justified (or perhaps his distrust led her to it, who knows). Actually, sadly, I can think of 3 people who did ldr and it ended with cheating. I kinda did ldr but we were only 2 hours drive apart and only over summer. Sometimes, he would get lonely and drive straight from work to my place and just leave at like 5am the next day and go straight to work. So, not really true long distance.
Posted by Lupus (Member # 6516) on :
how old are you? Are you a college freshman?
If you are, I would split up for now. The start of college is a great experience, and you get to meet a lot of new people. I'd avoid being tied down with a long distance relationship at that point.
Maybe later on, when you both have gotten a chance to meet other people, and see if you are really right for each other, you can get back together if you decide that is for the best.
I think a long distance relationship works better for people who have dated a lot of other people, and have come to realize that this person is who they really want to end up with in the long term.
Posted by socal_chic (Member # 7803) on :
Lupus- This is my second year up at school so not a freshman but I'm not really all that far along either.
We talked for quite a while last night and decided that we'll keep things the way they are for now and talk about it further when he comes up to see me next month. I was happy with that conclusion
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