Hatrack River Forum: Everyone wants to write a book

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Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :

Well I had this idea for a story about a possibly distopian society where people who are born are given callings within that society, and the big question is whether the people are born into the calling or simply become what they are assigned to be.

I've hit 2 snags.

1: I don't know if my writing is any good, or even if the story is worth writing about.

2: I do not know if perhaps I am jumping too fast chronologically speaking through the story and am considering devoting more than a few chapters to the childhood of Madeline. Should I focus on her teenage years, or do you think its essential that I cover her childhood years if I am going to start out at her birth and write to her adult years? Should I simply make her birth a prologue?

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1136682

^^ that link should take you to the current draft of the story. Its about 5 chapters long now and about 14 pages long (word document pages mind you). I know there is a writing workshop but I was posting more with the idea of giving people something to read if they are bored, and helping me with some quick valuable feedback about the questions I had and perhaps things I did not notice in the writing.

I must apolgize there is a section around chapter 4 where multiple events are interchanged amongst each other and I used italics to make it clearer.

Posted by Primal Curve (Member # 3587) on :

quote:
Its my own design
Its my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world

Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Primal Curve:

quote:
Its my own design
Its my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world

Thats a good song.

Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :

I read through about chapter three, I'd love to read further, I just don't have time now. I like it so far, but you might want to let us know how old she is in that chapter. I really can't tell. This makes it especially confusing to me:

quote:
The Anger Born usually did not exhibit anger until they were juveniles. Only in rare instances did the fury show signs of its presence early, and even then the youngest case had been around eight years old.

To me, juvenile means young, a kid, so I wouldn't think eight was outrageously young. Do you mean they're adolescents?

Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :

I think I already read that book -- is your name Aldous Huxley?

[Wink]

Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :

Have you read 'The Giver'? You should.

EDIT: Your writing reads to me like someone who hasn't done much of it and is still unsure where to put the periods, commas, quotation marks, etc. What you need most is practice [Smile]

. Here is a quick lesson:

quote:

“Martha, you must come with me!” “It’s your daughter; I’ve never seen anything like it, even amongst the anger born.”
“I am too weak to move quickly, please help me, and I will come” Martha weakly responded.

1. Each new speaker needs a new line:

quote:

“Martha, you must come with me!”
“It’s your daughter; I’ve never seen anything like it, even amongst the anger born.”
“I am too weak to move quickly, please help me, and I will come” Martha weakly responded.

2. If someone "said" something or "responded" like Martha did here, the dialogue should end in a comma before the ending quotation mark:

quote:

“Martha, you must come with me!”
“It’s your daughter; I’ve never seen anything like it, even amongst the anger born.”
“I am too weak to move quickly, please help me, and I will come,” Martha weakly responded.

Ta daa! Much better. Another example:

quote:
“Silence the both of you” shouted Hawthorne.

Becomes, this time with the lower case 's' following the comma...

quote:
“Silence the both of you,” shouted Hawthorne.

However, if the dialogue ends in an exclamation mark or question mark, it's still a lower case letter (unless it's a name): '"Hey!" shouted the man.'

You should also put a comma after 'silence' in that sentence. There's probably some long Jon Boy-ish explanation as to why. But it's just right because that's how you say it.

You also have a tendency to use the words that feel slightly 'off', at least to me. They throw me off when I'm reading. Examples:

quote:
The last thing heard in the room before Hawthorne cut the cord between the woman and her woman child, was a cry of pure, unadulterated rage. The woman passed out after offering it.

'Offering' feels wrong. It's just an odd word to use for a cry like you describe.

quote:
Isn’t it upsetting that all children...

Here, 'upsetting' seems far to weak a word.

quote:
...and I will come” Martha weakly responded.

Hawthorne and Martha ambled across the hall...

'Ambled' is like a gentle afternoon walk in the sunshine along a pier, not the tottering walk (or whatever) of a woman who has just given birth.

You get the idea. I think you are trying to write with an overly flowery tone which tends to somewhat undermine your writing because of bad word choice. It's like you're using a thesaurus (I'm not saying you are, it seems like you are) but you don't know exactly what the words mean.

Anyway, it looks to be a very interesting story with lots of promise plot-wise. [Smile]

My advice is to write and read more to improve that side of the writing.

[Smile]

[ July 26, 2006, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]

Posted by HollowEarth (Member # 2586) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Teshi:
Have you read 'The Giver'? You should.

QFT, (unlike teshi, i shan't be editing.

Posted by SoaPiNuReYe (Member # 9144) on :

I hated the Giver...

Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :

Teshi, I greatly appreciated your remarks.

No I don't use thesauri (thesauruses?) when I write. To be honest I diliberately used the word "Offering," In that sentence because it just seemed to fit in my mind.

If I used a word that just didnt seem to fit it MIGHT be because I was having a hard time deciding what word would best fit and then had one just occur to me as a good choice. My choices may not work for you or anybody else, Ill try to work on that [Razz]

You comment about "Upsetting" and my use of punctuation was actually quite true. I've never tried to write a novel or even a story with lengthy dialogue.

I read The Giver a long time ago when I was in 5th grade I believe, but I do not remember how it relates to this story, Ill have to go back and have a look at it.

---------

I looked at it and while the distopian concept is similar, I am actually toying with the idea that the society as it works is just fine. I might throw that idea out and just have it be a standard society thinks its doing right but its doing wrong.

At the risk of sounding salesman like I like the later chapters better than the first few.

Midnightblue: You are write, I do have little experience in writing stories.

As for ages, Madeline is obviously born during the first chapter and buy the last she is about 14-15 I believe. The age might adjust somewhat.

[ July 27, 2006, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: BlackBlade ]

Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :

Sorry for double posting but I would be really happy with even just ONE review of the story thus far as well as answers to my OP's 2 questions.

If this thread drifts into page 2 again Ill just consider it dead and continue writing [Smile]