ok picture this: im a 17 year old kid in high school still. Im secluded, i never speak to anybody, i close myself out to the world. I have never had a GF and its rather disapointing.
Alright so recently, being the big computer person that i am, i met somebody online who is find rather interesting. But the problem is: that she lives in a different state. Now News of our relationship which we refer amongst ourselves as datting, has leaked to my school. Now this past few weeks has been near life changing to me. I feel more alive than i ever have, i am talking to ppl, there is ppl who want to talk to me. But when the news leaked, i mentioned that she was from the the same town that i live in(which is a lie).IDK what to do, by the end of the day news will spread, and this will be a very embarassing moment for myself. I cant get a GF in real life so all i can get is an online one?
help me out here
[ May 08, 2006, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: Deceased House ]
Posted by TrapperKeeper (Member # 7680) on :
My two cents:
You have enjoyed interacting with people these last two weeks which means that you prefer that over the secluded lifestyle.
This is going to sound harsh, and you probably won't believe me but this whole never had a girlfriend thing and issue about an out of state online relationship isn't that big a deal and will blow over and be forgotten. I'd reccomend joining some organization or group that requires a time committment that will force you to be less secluded. I was a little bit like you in high school, or would of been if I did not get involved with my theatre department.
Join an organization, get a job, something. I'd recommend doing tech work on a production at your school, but I'm biased. There are other options out there. I'd do something more substantial than a club that meets once a month.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
If this girl is someone you find interesting and she feels the same way about you, then you are doing her a disservice by implying that you wouldn’t be interested in her if you could “get” someone better.
Also, how exactly is news “leaking”? You are the only one who knew, yes? So you mean that you told people?
Posted by Stephan (Member # 7549) on :
I didn't have a girlfriend until 20. 6 years later I married her.
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
information leaked via myspace. On her profile, she made a caption implying our relationship, which was picked up by another friend of mine, this time from school. thas how it all leaked. Now you see, i wouldnt loose this feeling for the life of me, what i need help with is possible embarrasment at school due to the patheticness of online relationships, i dont really care, but im trying to make things go by as easy as possible.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Considering that there are several people here who met their spouses online, I don't think you're going to find a great deal of agreement on "the patheticness of online relationships."
Online relationships will stall out if you don't eventually meet in real life, but they aren't a bad way to meet people.
Edit, to elaborate: The essential thing here is that you remeber that the girl is a real person, and that both of you behave as real people. If either of you are role-playing, or if you think of each other as computer-simulations rather than real people who happen to be a few hundred miles apart, then that would be pathetic.
Posted by Tresopax (Member # 1063) on :
Here's the thing to remember: It seems like a big deal, but the only person who really will consider it a big deal is you. There's nothing pathetic with an online relationship unless you choose to treat it as pathetic. If you are cool with it, it will only be a matter of days before pretty much everyone else is too.
Sure, some people will joke about it to you. People will make fun of you for anything you do out of the ordinary - that's just what people do in school. But in the end they are just jokes, at least to the person joking. If you think your relationship is pathetic then they will be painful jokes to you. But if you accept your reltionship then you can brush off the jokes - they mean nothing. No need to be embarrassed.
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
i agree, actually we have plans to meet this summer, i would continue this relationship regardless, we speak on the phone alot, email myspace,msn,aim,yahoo, u name it we do it. But considering my enviroment, prepland usa, i think it would be viewed that way, actually i have recieved a few comments already. Im not the least bit phased.
Posted by starLisa (Member # 8384) on :
It's "fazed". And Deceased House, while I can't stand posts that pick at every little grammatical error someone might make, could you please be respectful enough to type like an adult? You're seventeen years old; I think you can manage to type words in full and capitalize the word "I". Don't you?
As far as online relationships go, of the four kids in my family, two of us met our spouses online. I'm 43 and my littlest sister is (a few days shy of) 36, and it worked great for us. In my case, we were in different states altogether when we met.
If anyone gives you a hard time for having met someone online, tell them they're being ridiculous. One of the biggest blessings of the Internet, in romantic relationships as well as every other kind, is that geography doesn't have to limit us the way it once did.
Some people believe that everyone has a special someone, somewhere in the world. Imagine if that special someone happens to be three states away. Without the Internet, the odds of meeting that person are slim. Take advantage of the fact that you two were able to find each other, and don't let worry about what other people are going to think get in the way of something cool.
Posted by Numinor West (Member # 9375) on :
House: have you talked to your online GF by phone yet? I agree that online relationships are just as real as face to face ones. However with online, there's too much chance that the other person is not really who they say they are. Men pretend to be women, women pretend to be men. Married people pretend to be single... on and on it goes. Be careful.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
quote:Originally posted by Numinor West: House: have you talked to your online GF by phone yet?
quote:Deceased House: we speak on the phone alot, email myspace,msn,aim,yahoo, u name it we do it.
Posted by Numinor West (Member # 9375) on :
Thanks Noemon, I missed that.
House: how about webcam?
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
Dh, I doubt anyone will really care. Given the age of your peers, it's likely that someone will notice if you're embarrassed and try to torment you about it. If so, it won't be that it's contemptible to meet people online (I *hope* not!), but just if your tormentor notices that *you* think it's contemptible.
You've had a great time interacting with others. A new gift, worth exploring.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
I met my girlfriend online. And I also agree completely with starLisa, which may be a first. Show some respect, type as though you were talking to adults.
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
Uhhm. I didnt come here to worry about my grammar. I'm just rather used to talking on AIM where you tend to shorten your conversations with understandable time savers (u, i, r, lol, ect...) But thank you all for the help. Well Christina dosent have a webcam, my friend does, we've done just about everything possible, including picture sharing, webcam(at least on my end), --->phone<--- , w/e. It's not her i'm worried about, nor our relationship. Like I said its just the reaction from my peers. You see, highschoolers tend to be very...immature. My only concern on her part is that she may be a little to young for me, being 15 and all, but her manner and attitude show me that she is more mature than many people.
Honestly though, if my typing is so completely bothersome, dont reply.
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
Maybe if you knew how crappy this keyboard is, you'd have some sympathy.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
quote:Originally posted by King of Men: I also agree completely with starLisa
Hell is freezing over! Pigs are flying!
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Don't you know it Tante? I'm still sitting here wondering if I read that post right. Sorry, KOM, but it's a little unusual.
Anyway, I hope it works out for you. Get a new keyboard. They cost what...20 bucks tops for one that works? I can get one for 10 bucks. Back to the nitty gritty. Where are you going to take her for the first date? You don't have to answer if you don't want. I'm just wondering.
Screw your peers at the High School. Not really, but do they really matter? The ones who matter will show through. The ones who have an ounce worth giving a crap about will be there for you when you need advice or whatever.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
You came to hatrack expecting sympathy and guidance. Well you can get both, and get some pointers on your grammar to boot. Does this bother you?
You have met a wonderful person online, who you enjoy interacting with. I am happy that you have done so, at least now you know you are not completely incompatable with the human race. There are others outside your room like this girl, find them.
I met my fiance on a blind date, and initially she just wanted a cool dude to play video games with, (yes she plays video games, its awesome!) She was not my FIRST girlfriend per se, I had kissed other girls, and been "coupled" with 1-2 other girls. My record for a relationship was 4 days as pathetic as that sounds. But we just sort of ran into each other on that blind date and started out as friends, things progressed pretty fast, and she makes me incredibly happy.
Just think of how young you are, and how many thousands of people you have met in your short life, and how all those people represent less than 1% of the worlds population. So far with your limited field of knowledge you have concluded that its safer in your room, if you met somebody who ate 1% of the things on a restaurants menu, would you think them wise if they ruled that the whole menu therefore sucked?
I agree with Trapper Keeper, get a job where you will meet alot of people, the human race is still good enough that meeting random people usually yields good results. Keep up your relationship with this girl, you have no idea where it will go and it has a possibility to be beautiful.
I know its hard to do this in High School, but stop caring what the kids of school think of what you are doing. If they are not reaching out to you, why do you care if they offer you their scorn?
Posted by starLisa (Member # 8384) on :
quote:Originally posted by Stan the man: Don't you know it Tante? I'm still sitting here wondering if I read that post right. Sorry, KOM, but it's a little unusual.
I stick my tongue out at both of you. Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Right back at you! Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Posted by Jay (Member # 5786) on :
Ok, here’s my two cents. Embarrassing things are a constant in life and don’t end once high school is over. The thing is how you handle them. Learning to laugh at yourself is always helpful in this too. That way it includes you in the fun and makes it no big deal to yourself. I understand what you’re saying and remember how hard HS was. But really, if you don’t let it bother you, it won’t really matter. You’re the only one who can make you happy, and others enjoy being around happy people. Easier said then done, but hey, what’s it hurt to try?
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Ya'll can leave him alone about the grammar now, he's proven he can do it, so long as he continues to, it doesn't need to be harped on.
My take on the situation:
Usually I'd try and steer people away from online relationships when they are still in high school. It really depends on the particulars. If you are serious about this relationship, and you aren't just settling before it because you can't meet someone online, then I say stick with it and don't feel bad. If you like this girl, you shouldn't be ashamed or think it's pathetic.
So far as the school situation goes, it doesn't really matter what kids say. If you're insecure and it bothers you that other kids are ripping on you for having an online girlfriend, then I think that's a personal issue you should work through (threw? thru?). Like others have said, join clubs, get involved, don't let a single issue rule the rest of your life in high school. You have the choice of either ignoring the kids who make fun of you, or trying to explain the situation to them, but if they are really immature that'll probably just lead to more jokes. Or you could just lie and say you broke up and hide the whole thing, but I don't know how healthy that is, or how much it'd offend your girlfriend. I guess it depends on how bothered you are by the teasing, and how high schooly you want to be about it.
Don't worry about the age thing. 15 IS young, but then, when I was your age, I had a 15 year old girlfriend too. I was a junior when I met her as an incoming freshman. If you are both mature enough to handle it, it shouldn't matter at all.
Posted by starLisa (Member # 8384) on :
quote:Originally posted by Tante Shvester: Right back at you!
Okay, that's just creepy, seeing all three of them (five, now) sticking out their tongues in sync.
Posted by starLisa (Member # 8384) on :
quote:Originally posted by King of Men: Hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Glad you realize it.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
quote:Originally posted by Deceased House: information leaked via myspace. On her profile, she made a caption implying our relationship, which was picked up by another friend of mine, this time from school. thas how it all leaked. Now you see, i wouldnt loose this feeling for the life of me, what i need help with is possible embarrasment at school due to the patheticness of online relationships, i dont really care, but im trying to make things go by as easy as possible.
There's your solution, at the root of the problem.
Delete your stupid myspace now (this stuff is socially retarding anyway, sorry.) Yes I understand that theoretically a myspace is useful for some things, but I have yet to see this particular quality in action.
Deny. Deny. Deny. Simply say that there was a crazy person after you, you don't know who she is, you don't want any part of it. Your not going to start a relationship, so at least get out of it cleanly.
This may sound harsh, maybe a little cold, but get real, your not going to have a relationship here, your going to waste time and emotions on nothing but your computer screen, and that's fairly lame for a person with such an open future.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Wow. That's some of the worst advice I've ever heard on this forum.
If you take Orincoro's advice, you be acting like a huge jerk. Both by lying and because you know there is cross-over between your friends at school and in MySpace. So this girl, who you think is nice and has done absolutly nothing wrong, will hear that you're calling her a crazy stalker and don't want anything to do with her. Not a cool thing to do, even if you decided you wanted out of the relationship.
And yeah, you're both young, and you live far away from each other. The chances of it not working out in the long run are better than it working out. So what? You're not wasting time and emotions on nothing but a computer screen, you are spending time with what seems like a wonderful person who you like a lot, and you're having fun doing it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And maybe it will work out. Stranger things have happened.
In brief, I think that Orincoro is 100% wrong, and you should pretend he never posted. Tell the truth, deal with the consequences, and enjoy getting to know your friend better.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
First of all, you're 17, so don't worry about it. Everybody is awkward and uncomfortable at 17. Anyone who pretends that they're not is just better at pretending.
Actually, that's not a big deal, pretending to be confident and friendly and open to new people is the first step toward actually becoming like that. Give it a shot.
You're getting some advice that sounds harsh, but it's essentially correct. "Dating" someone over the computer is safe and easy, there's distance, you can imagine that they only have good qualities, you don't have to worry about being hurt, you can gloss over whatever you think are your flaws... it's essentially false.
Get out there and meet some people. It's not as bad as you think. You said you're out there talking to people, and this is where you want to be, not in front of your computer.
Ignore this person, you're too young to waste time with a LDR. Go out and hang out with people who are in the same school and town as you are. If you meet a girl you'd like to date, ask her out. If she says no, whatever, ask another one.
I'm with Orincoro, deny that you have any relationship with this girl. Say you added her to your myspace friends or something, and she thinks she's your GF now. Forget her and find a girl you can actually go out and hang out with.
What's the point of a purely online relationship? You don't get to go on dates, hold hands, make out. That's the good stuff!
You said your life is changing for the better. Go with it. Don't look back.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Don't deny the relationship or lie about it.
It will only make the girl feel dreadful (which she has done nothing to deserve) and won't help your situation.
I second ElJay's advice.
quote: I'm with Orincoro, deny that you have any relationship with this girl. Say you added her to your myspace friends or something, and she thinks she's your GF now
Don't do it. It is mean, stupid and counterproductive.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Man, I can't believe what you guys are saying. You're telling him to be manipulative and creepy in his relationships with women. How about treat others as you'd be treated?
Yeah, it's hard for a teenager to carry on a long distance relationship. So it might not work out. I'm 32, and I started dating at 17. Still single. That means my first dozen or two relationships didn't work out. Big deal. You enjoy yourself, you grieve when it's over, you move on. But through it all you be honest to the people you get involved with. Otherwise you end up as a jerk. Don't be a jerk.
Deceased House, you don't really sound like you'd be taking these guys' advice anyway. But really. . . don't. It's awful.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
I'm saying he should at least give it a try if that's what he wants. An' yes, ElJay, I agree with you on the treat others as you want to be treated.
Posted by Chungwa (Member # 6421) on :
Wow. I can't believe that advice.
I don't think online relationships are the thing for me. But to advise someone who has one to pretend it doesn't exist so they can "save face" is pretty disgusting.
MightyCow and Orincoro, you guys do know that the person at the "other end of the keyboard" is a real person with real feelings, don't you?
If what you're suggesting he do much different from sleeping with a girl and then telling everyone she's just some crazy-crazy who thinks he's her girflfriend?
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Um, has nobody else picked up on the 17-and-15 aspect? Not entirely kosher, that.
Posted by Chungwa (Member # 6421) on :
Eeh, I wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with an age difference like that at that age (the maturity levels between an average 15 year-old and a 17 year-old is rather large), but it's not terribly uncommon. I don't think it should be automatically considered negative.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
quote:Originally posted by King of Men: Um, has nobody else picked up on the 17-and-15 aspect? Not entirely kosher, that.
As long as they are both in High School, I see no issue with that age gap.
Posted by Peter (Member # 4373) on :
So.....being 17, does that mean that you're about to graduate, or are you a junior and have a year?
Either way, it boils down to this:
When you leave highschool, you will see (maybe) two of the people you know from highschooŀ excluding reunions and the sort. So what's it matter what others think?
I'm more or less in the same boat, being the 17, highschool, computer, whatever type of person. And I have found things to be so much easier if you can find a group of friends (when I say friends, I mean people you trust completely, or as completely as you possibly can) and listen to what they say. Be honest with them. Listen to what they say, just as you would listen to them if they came to you with a problem. And finally, forget about everyone else.
Ignore all the pointing and the jokes that might come (and they probably will come). Because anyone who maight point or laugh, is not really your friend. I know you've probably heard that from about a hundred people, but it really is true.
I started this year with about two, what I would consider, close friends. I worked in my six/four classes (depending on semester) and have learned that there are more people out there that might actually be friends with you than you initially thought. If you jsut let people be themselves, without the peer pressure, and you be yourself, things will happen that you never would have expected.
I would now consider about twenty different people my close friends. close enough that I would go to them with a personal problem. Maybe I'm more trusting than most people would be, but I trust them completely. They are people I would want to be around. Any one of them would be willing to help me out with anything. And the feeling is mutual.
I would never suggest that you shut her out. If this is something you may actually think will work, work on it. Because anyone who knows anything about relationships will tell you that they take work. So continue talking to her. Enjoy her company. And then, if things work out, invite us to the wedding. I'm sure some of us will come.
In twenty years, take her to your school reunion, and show all those people who laughed at you that they were wrong. And you were right.
Maybe this will help. Mayeb it won't. All I know is that I thought that coming from someone who, by the sound of it, is pretty similar to you, would make more sense. It's also possible this is all nonsense and should be ignored. Do with it what you will.
Oh, and P.S.
That two year difference is nothing. As long as you are both commited to working on the relationship, and are both mature about it, then it is not even a factor.
I trust your judgment on how mature is she, at least mentally. But don't, EVER, think that she is as mature physically (read: ready for the sexual contact). You let her decide when things are right. Suggest if you want, but don't push.
That's for your own good and hers.
-Jared
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
I would never!!!, Could never!!!, Remember this people, I didnt ask for relationship advise, I asked for help dealing with the peer pressure. I have no intentions of just completely leaving her, this person that I have come to care for so much recently, this person that i'm sure is exacly right for me, and us for eachother, regardless of distance. To even suggest such a thing!!!
btw I am a senior.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
quote:Originally posted by imogen: Don't deny the relationship or lie about it.
It will only make the girl feel dreadful (which she has done nothing to deserve) and won't help your situation.
I admit its harsh, but it is a sure solution to the problem at hand. I'm not talking perfect world, I'm talking from the vantage point of a former 17 year old who needed this advice a few years ago. Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
quote:Originally posted by Deceased House: btw I am a senior.
Then why are you still in highschool? Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Ori, that is horrible advice, and shows a lot about your views on various issues, IMO.
I am completely with ELJay on this one. Her way of handling this proves that you are mature enough to consider having a relationship; the other approach proves you aren't, and probably aren't going to be for a while.
It would also prove that you aren't a very nice person, either.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
No, it doesn't say anything about me, sorry. I sypathize as much with this situation as you, but as he came to us to be his advocates, I am simply offering this as a quick and dirty solution.
Is it right? No. Will it work? I think so. Would I do it? I wouldn't be in that situation, I don't do online dating. Common Kwea, if you think this piece of off-hand advice is highly representative of my worldview, then what have you been seeing in my posts? I am not proud of this one, but I think its a solid plan.
edit: that advice was also a reaction to my thought that he really didn't want a relationship with this girl... since he seems to, I doubt he will take it, and you don't need to tell him its not the right course.
On the other hand I've known a few people who invested their emotions and time in such a relationship, and I've never seen it work out. Not saying it won't, but I haven't seen it happen.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Orin -
It's an unecessarily harsh way to deal with the problem. If he wanted it to go away, which he clearly doesn't, couldn't he just call her like a friggin adult and break it off?
Why are you basically suggesting a method of break up that would usually be ascribed to a sixth grader to someone who is clearly more invested in this relationship?
Even if he didn't want a relationship with her, people on here are right, she's still a real person, and I'd think that any advice you'd give would be based on what you'd do personally. If that is what you would personally do, I don't think you're a very nice, or respectful person, to say nothing of your lack or maturity on the matter. Advice is often a reflection of the person giving it. Keep that in mind.
DH -
You want advice just about the teasing from the kids at school. You're a senior in high school, and heck if you're a senior RIGHT NOW, then aren't you graduating in a month or so? Deal with it for a month then you'll never see 99% of those people ever again, except the ones you actually WANT to see. Then choose to tell people as it applies. Mature people might be skeptical of the liklihood of success for an online relationship, but they should at least be respectful enough to not tease you about it, or for that matter, suggest that you cut off all contact with the person and call them a nutjob.
My advice is suck it up for another month until school is over, then start over in college. You get to choose who you want to be in, not the people around you judging you, so don't let their ribbing get to you and define your actions. It'll make your girl proud.
Posted by Juxtapose (Member # 8837) on :
My snap response is to say that people won't care as much as you're afraid they will. But then, I have no idea as to what your school's like. I went to school with 1500 people, so I was never worried about the student body collectively pointing at me and laughing, but your school could be much smaller.
If the news does in fact cause some sort of teasing, laugh along. It's probably good natured. If it's clearly not, have a snappy, "your mom," comeback line ready and remember that these people are not worth any more of your time.
Here's one way to go: "Hey [Deceased House], you have cybersex with your girlfriend last night?" "Nope, I was too busy having cybersex with your mom! OHHHHHHH SNAP!!" "no he di'int."
Real Hatrack moms, please don't take offense. You're beautiful people.
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
Ahh, the good old "your mom" jokes, always there for a snappy comeback. It is true that school will be over shortly. I suppose I won't have to worry about it that much.
Good news: Day 1 is over and it went much better than expected. I was able to explain my situation comfortably to a number of people , and it was taken fairly well.
Now you see, after rereading my previous posts, I realize I may have came off as some kind of jerk. I apoligize.
Alrighty, so I have no life. I need to get one bad.
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
quote:Real Hatrack moms, please don't take offense. You're beautiful people.
Just in time for Mother's Day and better than a bunch of flowers! I laughed out loud at this.
Posted by Peter (Member # 4373) on :
As for day one: good.
Things can just get easier from here.
I never meant to even suggest that you would, if you thought I was saying that. I was just trying to ocunter what Orincoro had said.
THings may get worse, don't doubt that. But after two, maybe three days tops, you'll be fine. Just ignore everyone who is unjust in their actions
Posted by cheiros do ender (Member # 8849) on :
Hmph.
What's so hard about this "getting a life" that everyone keeps talking about?
I second imogen's advice, just 'cause she is cool.
Edit: By the way, I'm a 17yo boy as well. (I've had a birthday since my last visit to the 'rack. )
Posted by collissimon (Member # 9346) on :
Hey!
Just to say that this thread has some great advice in it that you can take with you beyond school to uni etc.
Last year, in my second year of uni, I had some difficulties. I felt isolated from my housemates, and felt out of it generally.
To get out of this rut, I talked to people at work (a job is brilliant for the future, but for now too: there's nothing better than having your own money! ), and on my course I built on friendships that were already there, making dinner for my friends, going to the cinema etc.
I also joined a society or two. Not all of them worked out (took up too much time), but another one I made some new friends and also got involved in doing volunteer work which is lots of fun.
I'm sure you're an interesting engaging person, and there are people at school and elsewhere who will respond to that, though it sometimes feels like you're alone, you won't be: if not at school, in a job or later on down the line. You mention video games, is there a video games group at your school?
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
Lol well I never mentioned video games, but I do play them. Unfortunatly I have no job anymore, so I cannot keep up to date on the newest games, even though I do have to say that I accell at them. There is no video games club that I know of. I like to read now and listen to music. Even try to play some, to no avail mostly. But there are no clubs around my school for that. Im struggling with some highly personal issues, im not going to bring them up, cause everybody has their own issues, and im not asking for sympathy. That is my problem.
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
quote:Where are you going to take her for the first date? You don't have to answer if you don't want. I'm just wondering.
well I never really thought of that. This summer plans were to go there, seeing as to how she is still gonna be living with her mom. IDK. I was just thinking i'd show up and meet her friends, her parents...(her mom thinks I live in the neighboring town, where she grew up), maybe just hang out a bit. Maybe ill stay somewhere for a few days.
quote: I trust your judgment on how mature is she, at least mentally. But don't, EVER, think that she is as mature physically (read: ready for the sexual contact). You let her decide when things are right. Suggest if you want, but don't push.
I never really considered that. I dont think i'd wanna screw up a great thing because of something as foolish as that. When I was in 9th Grade I lost my virginity(my first and only time), at a party. I got this girl pregnant and she had an abortion. Now i would never had done this if I wasnt drunk, because id have been way to afraid of girls(like allways, even now), but that really gave me a perspective of life, and how foolish something like that could be. Don't Worry...ill probably never have sex again till im sure both are ready.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Eh, no biggie. You have time. That was a question I had asked myself some time ago when I met up with my now wife to be. However, we just hung out at different clubs in the area as really close friends for a while. We never really "dated." Good news tho now, she finally tolerates my being on the internet for a while each day.
Now that last bit...What you did is what you did. I'm just glad to see (it seems to me) that you learned a valuable lesson then. Granted, not one I ever recommend doing again (can't really say it w/o the "again" since you have already done). Definately wait till both of you are ready, and have a raincoat.
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
Hey pplz keep the advice rolling. Im now accepting relationship advise as well.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
I stand by my advice. This is not a real relationship, this is online puppy love. I am speaking from a situation of perspective here. I had similar "relationships" when I was in high school, and early in college, and I wish someone would have given me some productive advice then.
I'm not suggesting that DH act like a heel, but that he break it off with the out of state crush and get a real girlfriend instead. Tell her that you value the friendship, but that you're not ready to get into a long distance relationship and you just want to be friends.
Here's what I know, as someone who's been there, and as someone who worked 3 years at a professional dating service. If you've never gone on a date with someone, she's not your girlfriend. If you've never spent any time together in real life, you don't have a relationship.
You have an online penpal. While that's nice, it's not a girlfriend. You don't know her, and she doesn't know you. You don't know if you have any chemistry in real life, you don't know if you can stand her quirks, or how she smacks her gum when she talks, or how she refuses to shave her legs, or that she is rude to waiters, or that she always wants to go out to eat and never wants a quiet night alone, or that she kisses like a dead fish...
You have to spend time with someone to know if you like them. Having online only relationships is safe and easy, but it's not getting you out of the house, it's not making you new friends, and it's not helping you to be a more social, more fun, more outgoing person. That is what you need. You don't need myspace friends to chat online with, you need real friends to go out and have fun with, to meet and flirt with girls in real life, to go to parties and on dates.
Don't be a jerk to her, but don't waste your time or her time with a long distance, online only relationship. You don't have the means or the time to go and move to her town, and that's honestly a bad idea in any case.
You asked for help, and that's it. You may not like it, but the best thing you can do is get out of the house and meet people and do things. You're too young to turn into a recluse.
Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
I'd also like to point out that I'm a 17 year old boy. We should totally start a club, or something.
Not really, though.
All I really have to say, DH, is good luck with whatever you do.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
quote:Originally posted by Deceased House: Hey pplz keep the advice rolling. Im now accepting relationship advise as well.
I'm a big fan of ending relationships that seem doomed. Easy for me to say, since you're the one invested in this, but when things hit major obstacles at the age of 17, that is a bad sign about the future of the relationship.
Ask any college student who went into college in a long term relationship, or worse a long distance one, and almost all of them will say they regretted stringing it out as long as they did. There will always be those that are meant for each other, but for every one of those there are 10 couples who stayed together too long. The longer you're together, the more you invest, and the harder it is to break-up, even if breaking up will help you socially and intellectually. I've known plenty of couples who get so wound up in their own personal universe, it seems like they can barely participate in the real world. Just try not to become one of those, they're really annoying.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
Let me ask you this DH: Why are you worried about what the kids at school will say or think? Why did you come here and ask us about it?
This whole thing is sending up all kinds of red flags. Somethings don't jive.
Why do you feel that you have to make up so many stories about this relationship? You're telling your friends that you have a girlfriend from a neighboring town, you're telling her parents that you're from right next door, not another state.
You shouldn't have to build this many lies to have a relationship. It's not constructive, it's destructive. What are her parents going to say when they find out you're a HS grad from another state, and want to date their HS daughter you met on the Internet. I'm not saying it's wrong, but you and she both seem to think it is.
Things are more complicated than you are making them out to be. It's not just about peer pressure from some people who you don't know well when you'll be graduating in a few months (weeks?) anyway and won't be seeing them again.
Look, you don't have to answer to me. You do have to answer to yourself. If you've got reservations, if things don't feel kosher to you, you need to listen to yourself. It's obvious to me that you want to go over this and figure out what's really bothering you. Use us as a sounding board if that helps, but you figure out what's going on and make sure you understand what worries you before you act.
Let me ask one more thing: How soon until you turn 18? Think about the complications of an 18 year old guy coming from out of state to meet a 15-16 year old girl who he met over the Internet.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
This whole thing was an immediate red flag for me. I have pretty good instincts for craziness- and this whole thing just screams trouble. Jeez, when your 17 the world is your crazy screwed up emotional oyster.
Posted by Peter (Member # 4373) on :
You know, I got to thinking, and I still don't know where it is she lives. Your profile says that you're in NY, but how far away is she? If it's only one state, that's not that big of a deal, especially in New England. But if she's out west, that might be a little harder.
quote:Definately wait till both of you are ready, and have a raincoat.
Raincoat. It's been forever since I've heard it called that. I LOVE IT!!
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
Hmmm...I can fully understand these arguements, but unfortunatly(no not unfortunatly) there has ben too much attachment, weve really grown on eachother (at least on my part). She lives in Ohio, which is a fair distance from NY. But untill we can see how things are going to work, I still will continue it. I recognize the potential benifits, but considering how we seem to just work...that would be way to cruel. Now ive managed to just get conversation away from the topic in school. Honestly ladies, if you were in highschool and you had some older kid from another state "dating" you, would your parents be thrilled? Nah, I don't think so. But I couldnt just run off, couldnt just go that wouldnt be right.
Posted by Peter (Member # 4373) on :
hmmmm............that is a little distance. but it still could be worse. Ohio to upper NY is still only and eight hour drive at most. But, hey, on the bright side. If you two do meet and get married, and it's in her town, you'll have at least one person there. I live in central ohio, so I'm about close to anything.
Good luck, and keep us updated on the thing.
[ May 10, 2006, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: Peter ]
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Unless they move to New York.
quote: Let me ask one more thing: How soon until you turn 18? Think about the complications of an 18 year old guy coming from out of state to meet a 15-16 year old girl who he met over the Internet
Sure it sounds bad when you put it like that. I think however when you consider the surrounding circumstances it's still alright, depending on other factors.
Just how mature is this girl? Like I said before, in high school my girlfriend was two years younger than me, but she was very emotionally mature, mostly do to outside factors involving her home life, but she was very mature. If DH's girl is the same way, then I see zero problem with the age thing, or the net thing. This assumes she's smart enough to know what she is doing. I think chances are decent that she does know, but I don't think it would hurt for DH to have a serious conversation with her, if he hasn't already, about internet dating/the age difference for him to see if she really does understand the situation and isn't taking things the wrong way or being irresponsible.
I don't see the age thing as an issue. And I think telling friends that she is from a neighboring town is really a harmless lie. A lie is a lie, sure, but he's only doing it to save himself a little hassle.
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
Yes somebody who agrees. You see we've both had very similar experiences involving our early childhood (not ones i'm about to share with everybody on Hatrack) she is very in touch with things. its rare that I can have an actual intelligent conversation with anybody. Her being younger than me is just a side thing, it means she has more life to live, and I like that. The age thing is not an issue. Actually it works out nice because before I even met her I was looking at some colleges out there. But its just for simplicity; these fibs.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
quote:Originally posted by Deceased House: Yes somebody who agrees. You see we've both had very similar experiences involving our early childhood (not ones i'm about to share with everybody on Hatrack) she is very in touch with things.
If your talking about childhood trauma... I don't think that gets people MORE in touch with the world. Certainly it will create an affinity between you two, but that just screams chaotic louder than anything you've said thus far. Codependency grows from such connections, and reaching out to a fellow victim is not getting help or moving on, neccessarily.
I am assuming a lot, and maybe I'm wrong about the details, but do consider that if it has any relevence to your situation.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
quote:Originally posted by Deceased House: Yes somebody who agrees. You see we've both had very similar experiences involving our early childhood (not ones i'm about to share with everybody on Hatrack) she is very in touch with things. its rare that I can have an actual intelligent conversation with anybody. Her being younger than me is just a side thing, it means she has more life to live, and I like that. The age thing is not an issue.
If you've both got issues that you need to work out, a cross-country relationship with someone 15 years old isn't going to fix them. Maybe you need to see a counselor if you feel that you have some emotional problems that you want to work out, or have had traumatic experiences. Your girlfriend is not your therapist. Even worse, a 15 year old is not a therapist.
You say that it's rare that you get to have an intelligent conversation with anyone. She can't be the only person in the world who can converse. You need to talk to more people.
I really don't get the idea of a 15 year old having "more life to live." You're only 17, you both have plenty of life to live. That sentence just sounds so off, I don't know where to begin.
Here's the deal: You've had some hard times, you're not very social, you don't have a lot of friends in your town. That's not a big deal. If you've had some seriously traumatic experiences, abuse, criminal behavior, whatever it is that makes you feel messed up, you should get counseling and work through that.
Running to another state to be with a girl you don't really know isn't going to solve any of your problems. It sounds like you'll be making more problems for yourself. The fact that you two share whatever these hidden problems is makes things worse. Neither of you are qualified to help each other. You can't solve her problems, and she can't solve yours. You can only fix yourself.
Anyway, you sound like you're hell bent on following this through, and I doubt anything I say will make you change your mind. I hope that things work out for you, and that you don't do anything that will cause you more trouble down the line.
Posted by Peter (Member # 4373) on :
Just more curiousity on my part; but waht colleges have you looked at?
I'm not trying to pry, but I, personally, think that somethimes the little stickler details can help define a person. And this whole thread has gotten me interested into your personality.
Posted by Deceased House (Member # 9388) on :
Ok so wow this thread is dying, I almost lost it there. Alrighty...but why are you interested in me? Ehh dont worry bout me. There is a college that sent me something in the mail...uhhm from Westerville. I cant remember the name.
But anyways, say I go down there, wouldnt you think that her and I being together would be beneficial to me? I realize that this probably wont be any life long thing, but I would be getting out of my house, meeting new people, seeing things and places...what could go wrong?
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Right back at you! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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), and on my course I built on friendships that were already there, making dinner for my friends, going to the cinema etc.