This is topic The Worst writing ever published! in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


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Posted by Ted The Head (Member # 8771) on :
 
Actually, I don't know what the worst writing ever published is, so I'm sorry if you clicked looking for a revelation. But perhaps you can help me.

I'm doing a project for English where my group is going to explore very bad writing in the sci-fi and fantasy genres. Now, I know it's not too hard to find bad books in these genres, but I'm really looking for the most disgustingly bad, the most over written, pretentious, lifeless prose imaginable. My first thought was 'Hey, I'll ask Orson! He must know some real crap.' But contacting the man seems dubious, so I turn to you.

Ever heard of the Bulwer-Lytton contest? I want a list of books that bad. Know any?
 

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Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
 
Try Eragon.

*can say no more. Shell-shocked shudder*
 

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Posted by Jhai (Member # 5633) on :
 
Bad cover art is often (but not always!) and indicator of bad writing. I'd try going to a bookstore and just browsing around.
 

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Posted by SteveRogers (Member # 7130) on :
 
Any of the books based on Star Trek would be my best bet.
 

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Posted by Jhai (Member # 5633) on :
 
Or, really, almost any book written by an unknown author in a universe either created by a famous author or based off of a film/t.v. series.
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Pffft. Amateurs.
 

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Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
 
SteveRogers: Shut up. I liked them.
 

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Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
 
Hey, Planet X, a crossover about how the X-Men traveled to the Star Trek galaxy to fight genetically engineered mutants was a REALLY cool book!
 

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Posted by FlyingCow (Member # 2150) on :
 
I'd have to put Piers Anthony's A Spell for Chameleon on that list. It still galls me that he got paid for that - let alone won an award.

Oh, oh, and The Crystal Star by Vonda McIntyre - that is the *worst* Star Wars book ever written. And judging by many of the others, this is an accomplishment.
 

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Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
 
I have to agree about The Crystal Star.

Wretched. Reading it hurt both my head and my eyes. And my fingers. Basically it was psychological and physical torture.
 

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Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
Almost everything being mentioned so far is award-winning bestseller material compared to the link ElJay posted (which is not just online fanfic, that was an actual published novel).

The worst writing published in something that I actually own would be the second story in this anthology. But the eigth story would be among the best.

--Enigmatic
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Really, it is awful! you should go read it!

Um, I'm talking about my link, not the ever-so-subtly mentioned 8th story in that anthology.
 

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Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 

quote:

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Really, it is awful! you should go read it!

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And I think this milk is bad! Smell it!

--Enigmatic
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
What is the goal of finding horribly bad SF/F in this class? Hopefully not to indocrinate the class that sci fi has no literary value.
 

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Posted by Fyfe (Member # 937) on :
 
Ah, the Eye of Argon. I haven't read that in ages. Bless you, Tel the Head, for causing ElJay to bring it to my attention once more. And thank you, ElJay, for bringing it to my attention once more.

Jen
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Hey, Enig, he said he was looking for disgustingly bad. Of course I'm gonna say he should go read the worst swill ever written.
 

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Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
 
Nobody has mentioned Terry Goodkind yet?

*shocked*

-o-

I second sarcasticmuppet's question.
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Welcome, Fyfe! Anytime!
 

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Posted by tern (Member # 7429) on :
 
Stormblade, by Nancy Varian Berberick. I still have nightmares from my younger years reading AD&D novels. Also, anything by Ed Greenwood, and the "poetry" in the Dragonlance universe written by Michael Williams will make your toes hurt.
 

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Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
 
Heh, I'll second Piers Anthony. And throw in L. Ron Hubbard, too!
 

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Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :
 
"Sword of Shannara" was pretty wretched.

As were books 4-8 of The Wheel of Time (I have never made it past #8).

"Fallen Empire" by Terry Goodkind (thank you, Icarus) was possibly the most painful read in recent memory.
 

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Posted by John Van Pelt (Member # 5767) on :
 
Yay! Belligerent loincloths!
 

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Posted by ricree101 (Member # 7749) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Jhai:
Bad cover art is often (but not always!) and indicator of bad writing. I'd try going to a bookstore and just browsing around.

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quote:

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crimson droplets of escaping life fluid.

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I love this.

"Have you got a band-aid? My life fluid is escaping."

EDIT: And I'll third SM's and Noemon's question, because that also went through my mind when I initially read the thread.
 

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Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 
ElJay, can I take credit for introducing you to the Eye of Argon, or had you seen it elsewhere first?
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
You can take credit, Tom.
 

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Posted by Destineer (Member # 821) on :
 
I've always thought that Andre Norton was a howlingly bad writer.
 

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Posted by theamazeeaz (Member # 6970) on :
 

quote:

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Bad cover art is often (but not always!) and indicator of bad writing.

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quote:

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SteveRogers: Shut up. I liked them.

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But is that reason to be so rude?
 

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Posted by Tinros (Member # 8328) on :
 
Sword of Shanarra was one of my all-time favorite books. Seriously, I loved the whole series.

When I first read Speaker for the dead, I hated it. Then I grew up, expanded my vocabulary, and voila... once i UNDERSTOOD the book, I loved it. It's now sitting on my shelf of "THe best books of all time." Along with, well, everything OSC.
 

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Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
 

quote:

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I'll second sarcasticmuppet's questioning of the purpose underlying this assignment.

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erm, no you won't.



-o-

quote:

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Eljay that was just, just...

that was the worst thing I have ever read.

Now I'll have to go read some Goodkind to get the taste out of my mouth.

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o_O

I'll admit, I can't parse that at all.
 

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Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
 
Mercedes Lackey

I admit, when I'm really down and need fluff, I read them, but as I'm reading them I'm incredibly ashamed of myself.
 

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Posted by kwsni (Member # 1831) on :
 
I still laugh so hard I cry at the MST3K version of Eye of Argon.

Ni!
 

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Posted by Palliard (Member # 8109) on :
 
"Badly written" is largely a matter of taste, but for "technically badly written" Bulwer-Lyttoning stuff, I would look to the early pulps: "Doc Savage", "Tarzan" and their like have been described by modern critics as unreadably bad.

They're some of my favorite stuff to read , but from a "foofy English-professor" standpoint they're gawd-awful.
 

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Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
 
Would Roger ever forgive her? Nicole wondered pensively, crossing and re-crossing her lissom ivory legs beneath the gossamer fabric of her party dress, her mind ever going back to that horrible, horrible moment, when, overcome with passion, she leaned forward to touch his lips with her own, only to find from deep within her shapely bosom the awful rumblings of an imminent belch . . . and then, as though fate had not been sufficiently mordant, she found herself -- as she looked up into Roger's handsome and somewhat puzzled face, so recently brushed by the aroma of partly digested Coca-Cola and Beanie Weenies -- overcome with nervous reaction, yelling up at him, "There's more where that came from!"
 

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Posted by johnsonweed (Member # 8114) on :
 
Battlefield Earth.

End of story.
 

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Posted by tern (Member # 7429) on :
 
Oh no, Mission Earth 1-10. The story doesn't end...it gets bleeping worse. Much, much worse.
 

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Posted by 1lobo1 (Member # 7762) on :
 
The entire "Left Behind" series...
 

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Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
 
On my shelf at work is a book entitled "Jack Ruby's Kitchen Sink" that I picked up from the "headed to the trash heap" stack.

It just sounded so bad that I had to pick it up. Sadly, it sounds so incredibly bad that I can't make myself even crack it open.
 

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Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
 
still in awe at El Jay's link...
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
My list:

#1) Eye of Argon, hands down

#2) Ricardo Pinto's (currently unfinished) trilogy. The only thing worse than Book 1 is Book 2, and I'm hoping Book 3 simply self-ignites whenever someone opens it.


#3) Battlefield Earth. This would've made a great 300 page novel. It is, however, an absolutely horrid 800 page novel.


#4) Any Dune novel after the 2nd or 3rd one (individual results may vary).
 

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Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
Since there are people here who were unfamiliar with the Eye of Argon, would someone like to explain how the game works? I would, but I wasn't at whichever con where it was played, so couldn't do it justice.

--Enigmatic
(just wants to hear the story again)
 

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Posted by krynn (Member # 524) on :
 
i think eragon is pretty bad. i actually read the first and second book, and the relationship it has with the Star Wars storyline.
 

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Posted by Ted The Head (Member # 8771) on :
 
To answer a few questions, the project is not aimed at making SF look bad. The class itself is on sci fi and fantasy, and I thought it would be very informative to read the worst of the worst in those genres. Thanks for all the great selections.

So far, these two have caught my eye;
The Eye of Argon ("You make love well, wench!")
And Galaxy 666 (anyone know where I can find a few copies?)

Those two seem the most shockingly bad, and also not too long (not trilogies, not Battlefield Earth). Anymore suggestions in the nobel vein of these two?

Thanks again for all your help.
 

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Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 

quote:

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Since there are people here who were unfamiliar with the Eye of Argon, would someone like to explain how the game works?

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It's easy. One person starts reading the story aloud, trying not to laugh. If he laughs, he passes the story to the person on his right. (The person on his left is the final arbiter of whether or not he has laughed.) The last person reading when they reach the end of the text "wins."

The crowd may do anything at all to break the concentration of the reader or cause him to laugh, with two exceptions: 1) no physical contact and 2) nothing may be thrown except 12-sided dice, which may only be thrown after the first full page is read and upon the completion of each page thereafter.
 

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Posted by Ophelia (Member # 653) on :
 
The Dune prequels by Brian Herbert and Kevin Anderson.

I actually only read the first one, but it was easily the most poorly written book I have ever voluntarily finished in my life.
 

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Posted by MoonRabbit (Member # 3652) on :
 
While the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant ranks as one of the most unenjoyable and unsatisfying series of books I've ever read, there is one book which is so astoundingly bad that I stand in awe of the fact that it was actually published.

The Dream-quest of Unknown Kadeth by H.P. Lovecraft.

I realize it was written a long time ago, but Lovecraft's only (as far as I know) attempt to write a non-horror novel is astonishingly bad.

If you've ever seen the author's game on Whose line is it anyway? (British version), there is one comedian who always does H.P. Lovecraft. I think this book is the inspiration.

The basic plot: A guy has a dream. He has to get somewhere. He can't wake up until he gets there. He journeys there in his dream, meeting an endless string of people who tell him the three or four(unpronounceable) names of every tree, rock, mountain, river, tribe, etc. that he encounters along the way. He arrives at his destination and wakes up. I don't have the book in front of me, but the prose goes something like this:

"And by midday, he arrived at the river Thilophineas, which is called Backsnorf by the hill people of Snooldown, upon whose banks the snaffle-fish breed, which are called pumbly-squirts by the Trandool people of Nagthor, and where the grall boats of the Dintog are anchored, being unused at this time of year due to the large numbers of percursiad flame-fish in the water."

A hundred and fifty pages of this. And none of it has any bearing on the plot. Yeesh.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Tom forgot to add that training as a preacher and/or elementary school teacher is especially helpful.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
ElJay, that link was a thing of beauty. I am in awe. Shock and awe.
 

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Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
 
I actually couldn't get through the first Thomas Covenant book, and I try to make myself finish books on principle.

Don't forget any of the novels based on Magic The Gathering. Terrible.
 

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Posted by Jay (Member # 5786) on :
 
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
 

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Posted by UofUlawguy (Member # 5492) on :
 
Lovecraft's Dreamquest is actually my favorite Lovecraft story, and that's saying something.

As for the thread topic, one of the very worst books I've ever read was Fellowship of the Talisman by Clifford Simak. Absolutely dreadful.
 

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Posted by Marlozhan (Member # 2422) on :
 
So, I just finished reading Crossroads of Twilight by Jordan. Of course, I was warned before reading it (actually I listened to it on cd while driving), so I braced myself for the worst. Plus I was able to skip a track whenever environmental details got started. So, I'm waiting to get Knife of Dreams from the library (I haven't contributed to Jordan financially yet, but I don't feel bad considering his later novels), and I'm wondering if I should start Terry Goodkind's series.

Is his writing bad? Some of the complaints I have heard are "repetitive" or "preachy". What does Hatrack think?
 

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Posted by Beanny (Member # 7109) on :
 
I'm shocked that no one mentioned "A Wrinkle In Time" yet....

I mean, that's heavy duty Sci-Fi crap.
Most of the book goes like this:
"5^7hX12G. For a moment, she understood. Then she realized, she didn't. Then her little freaky brother did something really smart, but everyone thought he was just autistic."
 

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Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
 
Atlanta Nights by Travis Tea.
 

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Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Ophelia:
The Dune prequels by Brian Herbert and Kevin Anderson.

I actually only read the first one, but it was easily the most poorly written book I have ever voluntarily finished in my life.

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quote:

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I'm shocked that no one mentioned "A Wrinkle In Time" yet....

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I loved A Wrinkle in Time as a child, but after some people recently talking about how much they'd loved one of her later books, I've been recently trying to wade through the sequels. I'm having a really hard time. I think they're much preachier and less interesting than the first; parts of them are so simplistic as to seem stupid, whereas other parts are incomprehensible.
 

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Posted by theCrowsWife (Member # 8302) on :
 
I only really like A Swiftly Tilting Planet. It's not particularly preachy and the story is pretty cool. It also has very few Meg scenes, which is a huge plus for me. I was ready to kill her by the end of A Wrinkle in Time.

But even though I hated Meg, I don't think A Wrinkle in Time was particularly poorly written.

--Mel
 

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Posted by Celaeno (Member # 8562) on :
 
I loved them all, but A Swiftly Tilting Planet was my favorite.

I think we should also look at these books in context. A Wrinkle in Time was not written for adults. I probably read it in fifth grade. Just because I loved it when I was in fifth grade doesn't mean I'd love it now, and just because I don't love it now doesn't mean it's not a great book.
 

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Posted by Scythrop (Member # 5731) on :
 
The Transcriber's note at the end of 'The Eye of Argon' is almost as funny as the story itself.
 

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Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
 
I like A Wrinkle in Time. It doesn't belong on any worst-written list.
 

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Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
 


"Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of
hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier.
"Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death,
wretch!" returned Grignr.

"You"; ejaculated the Ecordian in a pleased tone. "I though
that I had seen the last of you at the tavern, but verilly I was
mistaken."

OMG OMG OMG CLASSIC


The humor I think is in the poorly placed verbs. For instance, the author seems to feel a need to vary his 'speaking' verbs so that not a one recurrs through the whole peice, it reads like a vocabulary assignment gone horribly wrong.


I gotta edit one more time and just say that I am about ready to puke I am laughing so hard. Every sentence of the travesty reeks of the heady pungent powerful use of the grotesque vocabulary of the immortalized author. I am weak in the knees and must be caused to sit down, or I may faint with a flourish and drown in my own astonished thoughts flowing through my heroic and handsome head which is above my wide and powerful heroic shoulders.
 

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Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
 
Orincoro, you amateur. Let the pros do it.

quote:

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Crow: I think I've finally figured out how this Jim Theis guy thinks.

Tom: Jim Theis =thinks=?

Crow: Sure. You just have to get yourself into a certain frame of mind. Here, you say something, and I'll say it like Jim would say it.

Tom: Umm... "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation."

Crow: Easy. "Four, or maybe five, it cannot be told, scorr and also sevn revolutions around the red orb of heat, those warrors who bought us life to us and belong to us and also upon this sward, a land less ancient than the moulderng corpse starng blindly at Grignr."

Mike: Wow! That was really something! Try this: "I have a dream that one day my four little children will be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

Crow: No problem. "As Grignr sleeping, morbid notions prnacing morbidly into his oval. `The reddish orb of heat beng in the crimson sky.' Stated the terrible fetid nightmar. And his ofspring of four -- or maybe forty, however it may be -- will hav the dark morbid hand of blood juridicating over all of Ecordia. `Not red! Not reddish! not crimson! Not rose red! Not blood red!' Sayeth Dsipk the judge. But by the fetid entrails will the small rodents be accontd."
[Gypsy enters.]
Gypsy: Hey, guys, whatcha doin'?
Tom: Gypsy, say something!
Gypsy: What should I say?
Mike: Anything! Whatever pops into your head.
Gypsy: Richard Basehart!
Crow: "Possesed of many baubles, the Sward unyielding to grignr, less noble than a fetid dog! Organ of blood pumping."
Mike: That was just beautiful.
Tom: Now never, ever do it again.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Celaeno:
I loved them all, but A Swiftly Tilting Planet was my favorite.

I think we should also look at these books in context. A Wrinkle in Time was not written for adults. I probably read it in fifth grade. Just because I loved it when I was in fifth grade doesn't mean I'd love it now, and just because I don't love it now doesn't mean it's not a great book.

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quote:

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You let the pros do it.... by quoting someone else?

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