What do you guy's think is the best way for a guy to approach a girl and convey his feelings? I'll let you guy's know why I need this answer in a little bit...
EDIT: Yeah, its a HOW. Thanks for pointing that out.
[ October 04, 2005, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: Altáriël of Dorthonion ]
Posted by unicornwhisperer (Member # 294) on :
Don't you mean "How do I deal with them?" Just thought I'd point that out. Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
By olfactory signals on a gentle breeze.
Posted by Troubadour (Member # 83) on :
Depends on the girl. There is no spoon.
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
At this point, I'd recommend inviting said girl to share a meal, preferably after a period of extended acquaintance. But then, I'm married, so I don't have to worry about introductory feeling conveyance any more.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Hmm. Mine told me he loved me. Of course, by that point, I already knew and was already having similar heart palpitations, so it was welcome.
Edited to add: And asked me to marry him in the very next sentence. Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
It really does depend on the girl. I feel weird when guys I barely know hit on me. Other girls appreciate it.
Anyhow, you deal with guys the same way you deal with girls. Despite my friend's claim that guys and girls are different species, and girls are unfathomable, I think that the differences between males and females aren't as big as some make them out to be. Men and women have a lot of the same fears, desires and dreams. My general mode of operation is to treat my male friends about the same way I treat my female friends. Honestly, there's about as much variation among members of one sex as there are between the sexes. You have to consider people as individuals, not as part of a very large and very variable group.
Posted by Art Vandelay (Member # 8690) on :
If you have to ask that question, I don't think you're dealing with men. Sounds more like boys to me.
Posted by aspectre (Member # 2222) on :
A man's feelings of true love should be conveyed sometime well after sexual*relations begin, but before his paramour starts even thinking about dumping him for "not caring".
Girls just wanna have fuh-uhn, yeah-ah Girls just wanna have fun
* And I don't necesssarily mean actually having sex. The when of a sexual relationship's beginning depends on the personalities of the individuals involved, and not on the act itself.
[ October 04, 2005, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: aspectre ]
Posted by Intelligence3 (Member # 6944) on :
In my experience, there isn't a particularly good way, so I must always do it wrong. Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
Well, here's what happened: There is a guy at my school, he is one of the librarians(he's NOT the one that looks like Legolas), and he is in student sposored housing too, so we live in the same apartment complex. Well, he comes to visit the other day at around 10ish(people here generally go to sleep at around 12 or 1am) and I showed him some flash videos, well he invites me to a Starschmucks around the corner and we just talked. We went to his apartment to watch a movie and when we came back to my place, it was about 2am by then, he starts acting really weird. Well, he was watching something on the computer and I just get up to doodle on a piece of paper(cause caffeine makes me want to do SOMETHING every moment, I cannot be still at all) and he gets up and starts massaging my back and kissing the back of my neck. At that point I was like, "WTF mate!?" I didn't know how to deal with the situation and I had no intrerest of that type towards him. I just tell him to stop because he is making me feel uncomfortable. He does and later on he just leaves. He had asked me if I had any significant other as we were going for the coffee and I had told him about Michael. Why did he try to pull this off on me when he knew I had feelings for someone else? After much thought, I think that he was just trying to get in my pants. Once again, I do not know how to deal with men. I don't know exactly how a man should approach a girl and tell he he wants something with her, but I am sure that what he did was DEFINATELY NOT THE BEST WAY TO DO IT.
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
Alt, call me old-fashioned, but if you go out with a guy by yourself until 2am, I think that many of them will probably think you're into them. Even if you talk about another guy while you're with him. I'm not saying he was right or anything, just saying you might be putting across some messages you don't really mean.
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
I know what you mean Jeniwren(Double post'ed!). But I wasn't acting in anyforward way or anything and we didn't even know each other for that much so I still cannot fathom while he did such a thing.
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
Might ask a girlfriend who knows you well what she thinks. A lot of this is body language, which doesn't translate too well online.
OTOH, this guy just might be a jerk. I'd recommend you not be alone with him again, ever. Just to be safe.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Alt,
One of the essential skills of life for women (especially pretty women) is learning how to deal with male attention. I think you're fine for staying out late - it's college! That's what it's for! And I'm proud of you for saying no when he tried something you didn't want.
You're never a bad person or cold or mean or anything for rejecting a guy's attempts. As long as he is not physically too close or tries to intimidate you verbally or physically, then the attempt is not an insult. Saying you're interested in someone else isn't enough to stave it off, and that's okay. He tries, you say no, and life is fine. If he doesn't take no for an answer or else is insulting or intimidating, then don't be alone with him again.
Posted by Xaposert (Member # 1612) on :
quote:What do you guy's think is the best way for a guy to approach a girl and convey his feelings?
Two words: Shiny object.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I, for instance, was once charmed by a York Peppermint Pattie wrapper.
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
*takes notes*
Posted by KPhysicsGeek (Member # 8655) on :
quote:Originally posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion: What do you guy's think is the best way for a guy to approach a girl and convey his feelings?
I hooked my wife by inviting her to take a nap with me. (Not as weird as it sounds because we had known each other for a couple years and were good friends at the time)
Posted by Parsimony (Member # 8140) on :
I've tried several attempts. From the awkward, "uh, would you like to go out sometime?" to the more well thought out approaches. I've been dating my girlfriend for over 4 years now, and I got her by showing up unannounced at her house and inviting her to go for a walk with me. I don't recommend that as a surefire method, however.
--ApostleRadio
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
Alt, if I was that guy, I'd have probably thought that maybe you were into me, too. Spending a lot of time together, etc. The nervousness or 'acting weird' was him screwing up his courage to make a move.
He made it, you shot him down - it's nothing new. You did nothing wrong, and neither did he. You just misread each other's signals.
No big. Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I agree with Olivet.
Most college guys, it seems, usually do something physical to convey their feelings, as opposed to just blurting out, "I like you" or otherwise bringing it up in conversation. It's an easier way to do things, in my opinion, and it generally avoids the awkward silences that can come up in the, "I have feelings for you. Let's explore that" conversation.
-pH
Posted by MandyM (Member # 8375) on :
Well, I will say your situation is not unusual. In his mind he was probably thinking that since you had spent all evening with him, that somehow during all that you may have stopped having feelings for Michael and started to dig him a little. He certainly handled it poorly and you certainly did the right thing rebuffing him. That is a wiggy situation and in retrospect I think I might have said exactly what your thought was: Why the heck would you start licking and pawing me after I told you I am into someone else, you cad?!?
Don't try too hard to understand men though. In the words of Bill Envall, they all just want a beer and to see something nekkid. Posted by raventh1 (Member # 3750) on :
Do what comes naturally. Always carry a tazer, and mace. Get a concealed weapon permit, and carry tranqualizers.
I'm sure you can find more infromation on google, try how to tame an animal.
Posted by Zarex (Member # 8504) on :
May I say that I resent that.
*goes off to sing "I'm a mormon boy."
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
So is raventh1, the last time I checked. Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
The only weapon I carry handy is my XACTO knife. Since I'm in an art school, I need it to cut paper very presicely and stuff. I don't like to carry that around though, its definately dangerous. I'll ask my local law enforcement if pepper spray is banned. Every girl needs a key chain with one if those if you ask me.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Actually, I need to know much the same thing. I can never get up the courage to flirt with guys.
EDIT: So, my question is: what is the proper way for a guy to approach another guy, and this flirting thing--how does it work?
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
?_? I'd help you, but I am a girl.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
You know, Alt, it sounds like pfresh is in need of help, and you as a girl could help him. Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match . . .
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
Joldo, maybe you should make your own thread, since I'm thinking that our Hatrackers best positioned to advise you may not be actively reading this thread...
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Hm? Oh no, I'm mostly kidding. The matchmaker bit's just moking TomDavidson, because the image of him dressed as Yente is almost as fun as Snape dressed as Neville's grandma.
[That is the name, right?]
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
Well, if I was a gay man and wanted to go out with some other gay or bi man, then I'd probably do the following: MAKE SURE HE IS GAY OR BI -I doubt he will appreciate it much if you ask him out and he is straight. Specially with all this "macho" crap going on. ITS BEST IF YOU WERE HIS FRIEND FIRST -As a girl, I do not like it when strangers ask me to be their girl, its just not right.
I don't think I'd know much more after that. ^.^;;;; Sorry...
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
quote: ITS BEST IF YOU WERE HIS FRIEND FIRST
This is why monkey boy hit on you. The signals women use for friendship with men are pretty much the same as the ones they use for romantic attraction. Men know this, so they never really know whether a woman likes them or likes them until they make that first sexually charged step outside of friendship territory. This also goes back to the often made observation on the forum that most men who are a woman's friend really want to screw her.
--Dr. Phil Saxon
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
Random fact: I was once told I would make a cute gay guy. I never really understood that (does it mean that I'm not a cute straight guy?)
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
IMHO, if you were told you'd make a cute gay guy, you ought to be *highly* attractive to women. Posted by Amanecer (Member # 4068) on :
quote: I was once told I would make a cute gay guy.
What a wierd thing to say to somebody. What was the context?
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
A female friend of mine was talking to me (I don't recall what about) and out of nowhere she said "Oh yeah, a gay friend of mine wanted me to tell you that you'd make a cute gay guy." Why I was told this I'm not sure. The female friend knew I was straight (since she was one of the ones who helped me get my first girlfriend).
Posted by Amanecer (Member # 4068) on :
Maybe her gay friend had a crush on you. Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
It could have been. Heck if I know. I just thought it was a good random fact. Posted by Amanecer (Member # 4068) on :
Indeed! And a flattering one too! Posted by Rico (Member # 7533) on :
Maybe the guy wanted to get it on with you!
I've been propositioned by a gay guy before... in the bathroom, as he tried to get a peek into my urinal... The whole time he was doing this he was clearly trying to flirt with me.
It was very freaky because as most guys know, there's just a "code" you follow when you're in a public bathroom full of guys. You guys know what I mean, right?
*shudders*
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
Yeah, that's a definite violation of the code.
Posted by Nell Gwyn (Member # 8291) on :
Anecdote about one of my gay friends: We were at a theatre to see a show for class, and he went to the bathroom during intermission. Came back almost in a panic and described how he'd been "visually raped" by some guy who tried to peek into his urinal.
From this I surmised that gay men also see generally this as a "code violation."
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Woah, that's a huge violation of the code. Someone must not have given him the rule book when he was younger.
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
I don't even recall being given the rule book. It just seemed implied.
Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
"Keep to the code."
"They're more like guidelines."
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
I think it's kinda sad the way our society has no intrest in valuing the privacy of menfolk. Women are far more likely to have separated shower stalls, etc.
You'd think for creatures that love going to the bathroom together so much, they'd have no problem sitting on the pot in full view of each other so as not to impede their chatting. Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
Yeah. Worst experiences of lack of privacy: middle school showering after football practice (the guys' locker room just has 2 poles with 4 shower heads on each in the middle of an empty room) and the men's bathrooms at the Astrodome (the urinals is just one long metal trough).
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
That's *got* to make it tough to follow "The Code".
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
I think the rule in the shower in the locker room was keep your eyes up towards the ceiling and just pretend like there aren't naked guys also showering around you. As for the Astrodome, I just tried to get into the corner and go on a diagonal (no peeking that way).
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
Out of curiosity, even doing your best to follow "The Code", do you still see a lot of, um, stuff? Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
Even if you followed the code and tried your best, you were still bound to see something. And I do know that some guys were not following the rule since a "friend" of mine started spreading certain things about me based off it. *sigh* Stupid middle school days.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
I remember my husband and his best friend going off on stories of guys locker rooms to me and the friend's girlfriend. Suddenly it sunk in for both of us how stressful that whole thing is for guys. We just had no idea.
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
It depends on the guys. I've heard that some guys are fine with it and it doesn't bother them. Then you have people like me who it's one of their worst memories from that time period.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
I also hated that time from school. Guys aren't as comfortable with it as they are made out to be I think. I know I certainly wasn't. I hated changing and showering around other guys.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
I imagine most guys hate it. And yet, if any guy tried to get it changed, it would be like sacrificing his manhood. Guys are expected to buck up and deal with it.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
It's part of our sacred rituals of manhood. Only one of which is meant to be pleasant. The others are all designed to be horrible.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
...I thought Lyrhawn was female. Dagnabbit.
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
Wait, which one is meant to be pleasant?
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
I have no problem with communal showers, but I have great difficulty peeing at a urinal when there's another person within a few urinals of me. This sometimes leads to me standing around in front of a urinal for considerable periods of time. Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
I've got that problem too, twinky. It's why I avoid public urinals if I can. Then again I also hate communal showers. I'm glad I have my own private bathroom here at college.
Posted by Primal Curve (Member # 3587) on :
quote:Originally posted by twinky: I have no problem with communal showers, but I have great difficulty peeing at a urinal when there's another person within a few urinals of me. This sometimes leads to me standing around in front of a urinal for considerable periods of time.
Then just pee in the toilet stall instead.
I had a friend who actually had someone reach over and give him a "squeeze" while he was peeing in a public urinal. My friend wasn't being very attentive to what was going on around him (not too unbelievable for this cat) and all of a sudden he felt a little pinch and just kind of jumped out of his shoes. He claims that he laid the guy out but I think it more likely that he made a run for his money.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Using the toilet stall wastes water. Nonetheless, I do that when there aren't enough available urinals.
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
I guess I'm one of those guys who make pfresh uncomfortable. I have no problem in communal showers nor peeing in urinals/troughs/the bushes. Which is not to say that I don't notice some serious breaches in urinal etiquette when they happen, but I'm unwilling to allow the uneducated to keep my bladder from emptying.
Posted by StickyWicket (Member # 7926) on :
blah blah drama drama
Alt.
I can't understand why this event warranted a post. You met up with a guy, you went out for coffee, you went back to his place, he tried to put a move on you, you thwarted it. Big frikkin whoop, that happens to guys all the time. Partly because we are never really sure if a girl is being "flirtatious for fun" or has something behind it. If you are going to have a dramatic self-evaluation every time you need to inform a guy that you are not interested, you'll be in trouble. oh, and next time you might want to send clearer signals to him that you just want to "hang out".......being that the whole night was just you two and you ended up in his apt. at 2am. just a thought.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
There's a lot of bitterness in that post.
*amused* So girls should only hang around guys for whom they have romantic intent?
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bob the Lawyer: Which is not to say that I don't notice some serious breaches in urinal etiquette when they happen, but I'm unwilling to allow the uneducated to keep my bladder from emptying.
See, I feel this way about it too, and I'm trying to break that mental block, but it isn't easy.
Posted by StickyWicket (Member # 7926) on :
quote:Originally posted by katharina: So girls should only hang around guys for whom they have romantic intent?
Well no, I never said that, or anything like that, or even used those words. Reading is fundamental eh Kat? I was simply stating that, in the absence of clear signals, you are giving a signal by your behavior. I also was not intending to be misinterpreted as saying that girls owe guys something if the guy has it all wrong. It's just unfair to "play" like you don't know he's interested.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Part of being a girl is learning how to not be offended by attempts but still say no. Part of being a guy is learning how to not be offended that girls don't put their relationship availability on signs around their necks.
He tried, she said no, it's still fine. If that was outlawed by custom in society, there would be a great deal less pairing off going on.
There's no shame in getting rejected. You don't have to be upset by it - just deal with it and move on.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
quote:Originally posted by katharina: ...I thought Lyrhawn was female. Dagnabbit.
That hurts. Been here for a year, and apparently posted like a girl the whole time. Now I need comfort food. Ack! That's why she thinks I'm a girl! Must. Be. Manly!
quote:Originally posted by Pfresh85: Wait, which one is meant to be pleasant?
The one that for centuries has supposedly made you a "man." You know, the thing we're all after? The thing we pretend to be friends with girls for so we can get it? The thing we think about every other second?
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
The real problem is when someone switches roles on you. Rejection is one thing, mixed signals are expected. But the people who grab your crotch, grind against you on the dance floor, slip naked into your room to wait for you to come home, or literally rip the shirt off your back, these people are harder for me to deal with. Not enough practice, I guess.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Comfort food?
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Welllll... there's nothing wrong with a little grinding on the dance floor between friends.
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
That's not what you said when you drove down last week Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
"Comfort food?"
Yeah, chocolate, ice cream, things that are fattening but make us feel better that we eat when we are sad.
Isn't that a female stereotype?
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Bobble's post came between mine and yours, and all the funny was lost. Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
Alt, if you go to the apartment- as opposed to some place communal, like a dorm- of a member of the opposite sex, alone, at 2 AM... No small number of people are going to interpret that as interest. I'm glad the guy had the decency to immediately back off when you told him no. Be careful. I'm not saying anything about right or wrong or who got what signals crossed, just... Be careful.
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
Bobble -- Stopping the funny one post at a time.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
It just makes you look funnier by comparison.
That was the plan, wasn't it?
[ October 05, 2005, 01:44 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bob the Lawyer: I guess I'm one of those guys who make pfresh uncomfortable. I have no problem in communal showers nor peeing in urinals/troughs/the bushes. Which is not to say that I don't notice some serious breaches in urinal etiquette when they happen, but I'm unwilling to allow the uneducated to keep my bladder from emptying.
The ones who make me really uncomfortable were the guys that walked around the locker room with no clothes on and no concern.
quote:Originally posted by Lyrhawn: ]The one that for centuries has supposedly made you a "man." You know, the thing we're all after? The thing we pretend to be friends with girls for so we can get it? The thing we think about every other second?
Ah. I see. I didn't realize that was a ritual thing, I thought it was just biological.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
quote:It's just unfair to "play" like you don't know he's interested.
Um, I don't think it's "playing". Alt has already expressed her own insecurities, something that many women feel. She is a gorgeous woman, and it is reasonable that many of the guys she interacts with are interested in her on one level or another. But that doesn't mean she should be expected to know it.
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
quote:Originally posted by StickyWicket: blah blah drama drama
Alt.
I can't understand why this event warranted a post. You met up with a guy, you went out for coffee, you went back to his place, he tried to put a move on you, you thwarted it. Big frikkin whoop, that happens to guys all the time. Partly because we are never really sure if a girl is being "flirtatious for fun" or has something behind it. If you are going to have a dramatic self-evaluation every time you need to inform a guy that you are not interested, you'll be in trouble. oh, and next time you might want to send clearer signals to him that you just want to "hang out".......being that the whole night was just you two and you ended up in his apt. at 2am. just a thought.
In case you have not been reading things clearly, I have specifically said that I do not know how to deal with men in general. I'm seeking advice from those who do or more or less do. As per my landmark and "I need Psyco help" thread, I have stated clearly enough that I do not know how to treat men because I never had any male influence in my life. I do not know how men think, what they want, expect, etc. Besides, as I have stated before, pretty much everyone goes to sleep very late in here because there are no curfews and we are college students. I'm sure he would've made his move regardless of what time we drank that coffee.
Posted by StickyWicket (Member # 7926) on :
quote:Originally posted by beverly: She is a gorgeous woman
equal opportunity eh Bev?
Posted by Ramdac99 (Member # 7264) on :
way to make an ass of yourself Sticky. Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
quote: Besides, as I have stated before, pretty much everyone goes to sleep very late in here because there are no curfews and we are college students. I'm sure he would've made his move regardless of what time we drank that coffee.
Perhaps so. I don't know the guy, and I certainly wasn't privy to what conversation occurred before the guy made his move. But consider that if you are at someone's private place at an hour that people usually go to sleep- even if that sleep hour is unusual, as it often is in college- that person may interpret that as an intention to sleep there.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
quote:equal opportunity eh Bev?
I guess that went over my head. Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
Nononononono! We were at my place at 2:30am! We just watched a movie in his place, we went back at around 1am to my place.
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
Ah, my mistake. That's good- you have more control in your own home. Though, _he_ may still have been under that impression.
I don't know what the housing situation is like at your college, Altariel. Are there lounges or other quasi-public places to socialize? Are you in a dorm, or do you have an apartment, or do you share a house with someone?
I am not in any way suggesting you did anything wrong- I don't think you did. I'm just trying to come up with nonverbal ways to make such situations clearer in the future.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
quote:Originally posted by pfresh85: Ah. I see. I didn't realize that was a ritual thing, I thought it was just biological.
So is peeing, but it still has rules attached to it apparently.
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
I thought the rule had to do with looking though and not with the act of peeing. In fact, I can't recall any rules for peeing except not to miss.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
I suppose that's a valid point. But you have to admit that sex is probably one of the most ritualized acts in the history of human culture, other than sacrifice.
The pressure guys feel comes from a desire to be manly, and seen as manly, in the eyes of other men. Thus it's ritualized in our culture. There aren't any rules per se on HOW to have sex, the rule is just to have it.
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
I guess you're right there. No arguments from me.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Twinky, I never had a problem about peeing when someone else was at the next urinal until I was in high school, and had a friend who had the problem. When he first mentioned it to me I just thought "wow, that sucks. Poor him," but after that I'd think about it while standing at the urinal, and be unable to pee. I dealt with it by just making the other people vanish, mentally. I'd just visualize the bathroom completely empty, with maybe a tumbleweed or something blowing through it, or visualize myself elsewhere, and really bring it all into being clearly enough that it was like they weren't there. Worked like a charm. Eventally I got out of the habit of thinking about the possibility of not being able to pee, and the problem went away.
I also never really had a problem with communal showering, by the way. I'd have preferred not to have had to have taken them, but given that I had to, and everyone else had to as well, I just put up with it and didn't worry too much about it.
Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
A while back I read something about a psychologist who offered therapy for men who were uncomfortable with public restrooms, had difficulty peeing when somebody was right next to them, etc. I don't have a link and I don't recall the term he attached to this hang-up. Let's call it "Peeophobia" for the purpose of this post.
One of his recommended therapies for helping men overcome their peeophobia was to spend more time in public restrooms, even when not having to use the facilities, to become more comfortable with them in general. Upon reading that, I immediately thought it was a brilliant way for this psychologist to drum up more business. After all, if there are men just kind of hanging around in the restroom when I need to pee, I'm going to develop peeophobia really darn quickly.
--Enigmatic
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Clever.
Myself, I can only use an empty restroom. Just one of those things.
As to the showers at my schools, past and present, in the locker room: no one used them. Unless you were on an athletic team, of course. P.E. didn't require it, because frankly they were nasty. Mildewed and spewing rusty or greenish water. No one went near them.
Showering I don't have such a problem with. I've never looked at other people--that's such a violation of ettiquette and privacy that I can't believe people do it at all--but I never felt uncomfortable or like I had to stare at the ceiling. Probably because when we lived in Europe, went to a lot of spas and pools where clothes were the exception rather than the rule.
Posted by luthe (Member # 1601) on :
I'd be more bothered by some dude just standing around in the restroom, than by someone using the urinal next to me.
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
I basically had to shower. I was on the football team, so my options after practice were a) shower (and look kind of nice for class) or b) don't shower (and be all sweaty and nasty for class).
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
How did this topic end up HERE?
Rhetorical question. The scroll button on my mouse works fine.
Posted by Rico (Member # 7533) on :
I'm afraid that was my fault Sterling, I'm the one who brought up the guy code
I've never been bothered by people using urinals and stuff next to me. I've got nothing to hide, the only times I feel uncomfortable is when other guys start trying to peek into my side of things and seriously breach the code!
It's really not that complicated, here are a few of the unspoken rules:
- Always pick the urinal furthest away from the guy already using the urinal. Put as much space between the two of you. If all the urinals are already busy, it's acceptable to use the one next to someone.
- Never peek or glance down at someone. This is a SERIOUS violation of the code. If you must look at something, look either straight ahead or if you're talking to someone look only at their face/top of their head.
- Conversation is optional but sometimes frowned upon. Goes on a case by case basis.
- Do not EVER touch anyone while they're using an urinal. No pats on the back, no punches, no nothing. This is a very very important rule! Break it at your own risk!
- Wash your freaking hands before you leave. This isn't part of the "rules" but it should be. I see so many people leave without washing their hands it's really disgusting.
/end guy code basics
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
quote:I think it's kinda sad the way our society has no intrest in valuing the privacy of menfolk. Women are far more likely to have separated shower stalls, etc
Which I've always found strange, since the girls I'm friends with never have a problem stripping buck nekkid in front of one another - something you rarely see two guys do, no matter how good of friends they are.
I agree with the guy code, and follow it dogmatically. But I think a lifetime of organized sports has pretty much rid me of all male inadequacy complexes. That's not exactly the word I'm looking for, but essentially I think all the "don't look at anyone's junk" rules about showering and peeing are rooted in homophobia. By the time I got to college, we didn't even care anymore. For example, it was standard behavior in my locker room to slap your buddies on their bare @$$ with your bare hand - the louder, the funnier. Also, if you were in the communal shower alone, the next person in instead of going to the pole farthest from you would join you at your pole. I just got used to it. Pointing and joking about genital size was also commonplace. If this bothered you, you didn't shower after practice. My roommate never did. It was all in good humor, and I never heard any of this leave the locker room. Although all my athlete friends are very touchy feely guys. They're all just secure. They're all big huggers. It took some getting used to, but by senior year I was doing it too, and not thinking twice about it.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
It's a matter of killing your bubble zones, sometimes.
But I think this is also taking strangers into account.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
quote:Which I've always found strange, since the girls I'm friends with never have a problem stripping buck nekkid in front of one another - something you rarely see two guys do, no matter how good of friends they are.
I was made to understand that it was guys who didn't care one whit about stripping naked in front of each other. There is a rich and varied history in our society of boys/men goin' to the swimmin' hole and swimming in the nude. Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
Yes, but one thing you'll rarely see is two guys doing this. Any group of more than two will get naked at the drop of a hat. But when it's two, there's tiny voice in the back of each of their brains saying, "He might try something, better not".
Girls don't seem to be bothered by this at all. They sleep in the same bed and spoon. Guys don't do that. At least not in pairs.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
Interesting point....
quote:Girls don't seem to be bothered by this at all. They sleep in the same bed and spoon. Guys don't do that. At least not in pairs.
There is a cultural thing about guys not sleeping in the same bed with others--male or female. Growing up, my brothers never had to share a bed. They got bunkbeds to avoid it. My sister and I had to share a double bed. Later, I shared that same bed with my best friend who came to live with us for a time.
There was never any sort of spooning going on, though. :shiver:
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
I've shared beds with my friends in hotel rooms and with my brother. Never saw the issue, really. I think this is why I don't get Americans.
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
I've shared a bed with my brother at relatives' houses. That's about it though.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
I've shared a bed with my brother, and with more than one of my friends. You can bet your sweet bottom their was no touching involved, though.
And I know a lot of my friends who wouldn't even consider sharing a bed with another guy. I don't mind though. I agree that it's very American behavior. European guys are a lot less homophobic, it seems.
Posted by Amanecer (Member # 4068) on :
quote: Wash your freaking hands before you leave. This isn't part of the "rules" but it should be. I see so many people leave without washing their hands it's really disgusting.
I don't see how guys' hands get all that dirty when at the urinal. I mean, they don't even wipe themselves. Where are the germs coming from?
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
Technically you shouldn't have to wash (since I'd assume your stuff isn't dirty, although that assumption could be wrong). It's still customary to though.
EDIT: You's in this post all refer to a generic guy.
Posted by raventh1 (Member # 3750) on :
Well, if you never wash your hands, then it would get dirty when you went, now wouldn't it?
What about washing before you go eh?
Then you might as well wash afterwards too.
Posted by Rico (Member # 7533) on :
Well I know how clean I am but I don't know how clean someone else is. It's customary to wash your hands afterwards I guess, but some people don't follow the custom.
It has a lot to do with seeing someone you know go to the bathroom and not seeing them wash their hands after they're done. You can't know their level of higiene and I assume most people wouldn't want to shake hands with someone they know doesn't wash their hands after they're done.
It doesn't hurt, so why not do it? Posted by Uhleeuh (Member # 6803) on :
The way I see it, if you members of the male half of the species don't wash your hands after you go to the restroom and you shake hands with someone, they're shaking hands with your penis...and, well, I don't want to shake hands with someone's penis. If I did, I'd eliminate the middle man...err, hand.
Hmmm, I should read closer. In other words, what Rico said.
Posted by Amanecer (Member # 4068) on :
I guess I don't think most penises are all that dirty. My guess is that hands are a lot dirtier than penises. I think raventh had an interesting point. It's probably just good to have clean hands every once in a while, regardless of the bathroom, and going to the bathroom provides you with a good opportunity for that.
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
Don't go over board with the cleanliness though. You don't want a build up of super bacteria on your hands.
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
I dunno about girls and getting naked together. I used tgo change in the closet at slumber parties, but I think that was mostly because my body became sort of grown up YEARS before most girls my age. It was either be modest or be stared at by a room full of 7 year-olds. *wince*
P.S. Wash your filthy hands, you horrid animals! Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Thanks Uhleeuh. I'm now cleaning diet coke off my monitor.
Posted by raventh1 (Member # 3750) on :
I don't know how I would react if a really attractive woman persued me. I don't think I would react negatively. Although, I'd probably be suspicious...
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
*pursues raventh1* Posted by raventh1 (Member # 3750) on :
*becomes suspicious of Olivet*
Posted by Danzig (Member # 4704) on :
I only wash my hands if the door opens outward, permitting me to use my foot. If it opens inward then you get more germs from touching the door than you do from touching your penis, so washing one's hands is pointless.
Also, some of my best friends are gay, but if not looking at anyone's junk is homophobic then I am a homophobe and proud of it.
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
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Of course, by that point, I already knew and was already having similar heart palpitations, so it was welcome.![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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Ack! That's why she thinks I'm a girl! Must. Be. Manly!![[Mad]](mad.gif)
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