I know I am new here and no one knows me, but I have lerked off and on for years...
I have a friend that I work with. We have been friends/co-workers for about 4 years now. At one point I really liked him as more than a friend and told him so. He basically said he wasn't interested, but then acted interested for about 8 months (I won't go into details here). We hung out all the time, and I mean all the time. Last spring he told me I was the best friend he has ever had and he wanted to stay friends forever, but he had no interest whatsoever in me as more than that. After that he started being a bit flakey. He would make excuses and not come to things. I finally had enough and stopped inviting him. We are still freindly with each other, but we haven't been hanging out and certainly haven't had any heart-to-hearts for months. He did ask me out last month and at the end of the date asked if we were still friends. I told him that I still considered him a friend.
Today is his last day at work, he is starting a new job next week. I feel that because our friendship has gone the way it has, it might be my last chance to save the friendship we once had, but I am not sure it is worth the effort.
What do you think? Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Only if he makes the effort. He would be a good friend to have, but it doesn't sound like it's worth the effort to me. If he wants to keep it up, though, then I think it would be fine.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
I would leave it up to him. I don't know if you're sending the wrong signals or if he just doesn't know how to handle it, but it sounds like he still thinks you like him and he doesn't know what to do about it. When someone thinks that, it's been my experience that you can't really convince them otherwise. You just have to let them go, and hang out as much or as little as they choose.
I tend to not worry about people that I know I can't count on. I'm happy to see them when I run into them, and we talk and have a blast, but other than that I don't even give them a thought.
Posted by Theaca (Member # 8325) on :
He did ask you out last time. Maybe it is your turn to reach out. I don't know if I'd leave it up to him. If you treasure the friendship, why not casually invite him to something after he starts his new job and see how he handles it? If you don't treasure his friendship, don't do anything.
Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
quote:He did ask me out last month and at the end of the date asked if we were still friends.
I think your word choice is interesting here. I do not use the word "date" in reference to getting together with anyone I'm not romantically interested in. I also don't use the phrase "ask me out" really. Among friends (not potential lovers" that sentence would be "We did get together last month (for dinner, drinks, a movie, whatever) and afterwards he asked . . ."
That's just my opinion, of course, but it sounds like you still have romantic hopes and it could be that he is picking up on that.
It's very hard to be "just friends" with someone you are romantically interested in. It is often harder to be "just friends" with someone who is romantically interested in you. In the latter case, not only do you have to worry about your own behavior, but you have a tendency to second-guess the other's behavior as well. You then have a tendency to fear being yourself when with the other person, which runs counter to my very definition of "friendship". YMMV
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
Sounds like you both need to just sit down and have a heart-to-heart and lay all the cards on the table, so to speak.
Just saying...
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
It actually sounds to me like that's happened already. This is the aftermath - what to do after the DTR?
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
DTR?
Oh man, I haven't heard that in forever. I just had a terrible flashback to hanging out my friend Lauren and her four sorority girl roommates. I didn't know normal people knew about that.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
It's a huge phrase in Mormon culture. There have been t-shirts made.
Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
Just to clarify my opinion, only you know what your feelings for him are at this point, but your word choice makes it seem to me like you think of him as more than just a "friend". Maybe a "best friend" or maybe something more, I don't know, of course. But you may want to look at this from what might possibly be his perspective.
He has rejected the possibility of a romantic relationship with you. Whatever he was doing after this rejection, you interpreted as "interest". It's possible he was sending mixed messages, but it's equally possible (as far as I know) that he was continuing to act like a close friend and you interpreted his actions as "interest". (With no details, I can't commit to either opinion). This puts him in a position of not knowing how to act around you. If you still harbor fantasies of a romantic relationship, he's likely to pick up on that. Since he initiated the last major contact, he seems genuinely interested in continuing a friendship with you. Since he asked if you were "still friends" he apparently notices some change in your attitude toward him over the time in question.
I think (based on the admittedly scant knowledge I have about the situation) that if you want to be "more than friends" you should drop the relationship and move on. If you truly want to be "just friends", you need to go the extra mile for the immediate future and be the one to intiate the contact and put him at ease about your feelings. It might take several innocuous get-togethers for him to relax, during which he might not want to initiate contact for fear of appearing "interested". Be patient with him as far as you are willing to, and only you can judge what that point is.
How important is it to YOU to be his "just friend"? That is then the degree to which you have to make the effort to keep in touch and re-affirm the friendship.
Posted by kojabu (Member # 8042) on :
DTR?
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Discuss The Relationship
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
Determining the Relationship.
I've also heard Discussing the Relationship.
It's the "where do we stand" talk.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I don't think I've ever actually had one with someone I was dating where we called it that. Not that I've dated that much, so I don't have a lot of experience to pull upon.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
First of all, K.T., welcome to Hatrack.
Second of all, a friendship is a very two-sided thing. I think you should put the effort into it if it seems like he's doing the same... but if it's all you giving and him taking, then it's not going to work.
Posted by K.T. (Member # 8665) on :
Just to clarify a couple of things.
1- I am no longer romantically interested in this person.
2- He is the one that defined our outing as a "Date."
I guess I need to decide what exactly I want in that friendship and determine how to act from there. Thanks for the welcome Raia.
Posted by Tresopax (Member # 1063) on :
When you say "worth the effort" are you suggesting that it is painful to maintain a friendship? I would think that the "effort" is the best part of friendship.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
I only suggested what I did because it sounds like their last "DTR" (to use Kat's term) was almost a year ago (or at least 8 months ago, reading from the first post). And now neither of them is sure where they stand SINCE then.
But then again, I'm just one of those "in your face" people who hate playing all the "what is he thinking" games -- I just ask. I like everything up front and honest and spelled out. That's just me.
FG
Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
Me too, Farmgirl. Much to the frustration of some other types of people, I've found. Posted by Gansura (Member # 8420) on :
quote:Originally posted by Tresopax: When you say "worth the effort" are you suggesting that it is painful to maintain a friendship? I would think that the "effort" is the best part of friendship.
only if that efforts comes from both parties.
Posted by Tresopax (Member # 1063) on :
quote:only if that efforts comes from both parties.
Actually, I've found that to be false. It's generally worthwhile to make friends even if they don't recipricate, provided you set your expectations accordingly.
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Sidenote: Ugh.... "Discussing the Relationship" doesn't sound like the sort of thing that would be a good idea... Posted by Troubadour (Member # 83) on :
Tres: I agree. I'm sick of people want to talk about every bloody feeling under the sun. It's so tiring.
Not this thread, you understand, but people feeling some deep-seated need to discuss every little problem with your "relationship" in excruciating detail. You are who you are - deal with it or move on. (Not directed at ANYONE in this thread, particularly KT. I'm just sayin' )
Sometimes there's just no point in saving what was a friendship, people change and it can become pointless.
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