This is topic My new cooking show, one of these days in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


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Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
I am going to create my own award winning, must see, TV Cooking Show.

It will be called, "Read the directions!"

Seriously. I am known in my family, by my wife's family, at my previous work, at my wife's work, and all of her previous work places, for being a great cook.

I make prepacked foods mostly.

For example, we routinely go to my mother-in-law's house for Thanksgiving. Dinner was put together by everyone. Every year we would buy a can of Crannberries, and forget to open them, or if they were opened they were ignored.

One year I said that I could make cranberries. The family was impressed. I made them and everyone praised how great they were. Finally, after much pressure I said, "Let me tell you the secret. Its a family tradition, told to you the same thing my mother told me so many years ago. Take the bag of cranberries. Turn them over......

and read the directions."

They almost threw me out of the house.

However, my cranberries are demanded every year since. As is my famous dips, made via the directions on the back of the Lipton Soup packet and the Hidden Valley Ranch packet. My chilli can not be kept in stock, thanks to the recipe on the back of the McCormick's Chilli Seasoning Packet.

Now I have been known to tamper with those directions a bit. I flabergasted my family with the worlds best Mac and Cheese, by adding a few slices of Kraft American Cheese to the cooked Kraft Mac & Cheese, then stirring vigorously.

Yet when I thought it was these small tamperings that earned me the praise, I am slapped down.

Last week my family was over for a BarBQ. My parents brought some prepackaged frozen steaks. I threw them on the grill and basically overcooked them a bit.

My wife took some left overs to work. When she warmed them in the Microwave, the smell had people begging her for a bit. The result was that I got a call from her work praising my culinary skills and demanding what secret blend of spices I had marinated them with.

I had put on nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!!!!!

There appear to be two kinds of people who make up most of America. There are those who can't cook and look in awe at anyone who can boil water, and there are those who enjoy cooking and assume that anything with flavor must have been created from scratch.

For those of us in the minority, who whip up something on occasion by following the most simple of directions, usually from the back of the box we are cooking from, everyone assumes that we are in that second group. The non-cookers believe we are experts because we are not afraid of the oven, and the experts believe we are experts because they can't believe that such tastes could come from anything so mundane as boxed/canned/prepacked stuff.

Ok. Rant over. Now back to my excellent Roast Beef, cooked with the indespensible aid a Lipton Onion Soup Mix thrown across the top.
 

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Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
 
Nothing to add, but as a fellow "almost" cook I just wanted to say that you've put it perfectly!

Edit: Also, the best cook is "hunger".
 

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Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
I do the same thing as you, but I extend it to following a different sort of directions--recipes for from scratch dishes. It's the same idea... pretty easy, but very impressive.
 

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Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
My aunt is one of the best "from scratch" cooks EVER. As kids, we would go crazy for her chocolate chip cookies.

I asked for the recipe once. She told me it's on the back of the chocolate chip bag. (Toll house chips, I think.)

It was only slightly disillusioning. She still makes awesome food.
 

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Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
 
I'm a "little of this, little of that" cook. The plus side is that I often concoct tasty food without having to rely on a recipe. The downsides are that I often can't remember what's in something (and definitely not amounts) when someone asks and that I can never make the same dish the same way twice.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
You know what would be totally awesome? Picture "The Iron Chef". You stride into Kitchen Stadium followed by a parade of your entourage. You approach Chairman Kaga. He says something to you that you can't understand until you look at the subtitles down at the bottom of the room. The Three Iron Chefs rise up out of whatever hole they hide in between episodes. You pick the chef that you will be challenging, say, Chen Kenichi (because he's my favorite).

Chairman Kaga stands on a platform above you, as the Secret Theme Ingredient rises from the Dry Ice Mist. He unveils the Secret Theme Ingredient and it is...

Lipton Onion Soup Mix!

Chen shakes his head and looks worried, as a sly and confident grin creeps across your countenance.

(OK, that's MY fantasy. Except my Secret Theme Ingredient is Matzah. Just thought I'd lend you my fantasy. Enjoy)
 

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Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
My Selections:

Homemade Potato Chips and Dip
Special K Loaf
Beef Roast surrounded with Potatoes, Onions, and Carrots
Egg Noodles with an Onion Mushroom Sauce
Egg Drop Onion Soup

That's all I can think of...and I made up the last two.

Edit: And since I think making dessert is required... how about an apple crisp with a slight onion soup seasoning. I mean, come on... how else do you make onion dessert??
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Dessert is not required, but it seems like they are always making some sort of hideous ice cream. Like fish liver ice cream. Or ox tail sorbet.

Barf!
 

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Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
 
One year at Thanksgiving dinner one of my dad's cousins started raving about how wonderful the mashed potatoes were, the texture was perfect, the flavor was good, totally tasty. She asked my grandma's secret recipe, which happened to be use this brand of instant, get the water really hot, use margerine instead of butter, and walk away. But this Grandma really is a good cook, just doesn't make mashed potatoes from scratch, it was so funny.
 

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Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
That is funny... especially since your cousin couldn't tell instant from the real thing. Who makes real mashed potatoes without any lumps?? It's supposed to be that way. Yum yum.
 

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Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
 
Tante:

I weep so struck I am by the beauty of your fantasy.
 

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Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 

quote:

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the experts believe we are experts because they can't believe that such tastes could come from anything so mundane as boxed/canned/prepacked stuff.

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You may be defining "expert" differently. Most of the real food "experts" I know would be aghast at this claim.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 

quote:

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Who makes real mashed potatoes without any lumps?? It's supposed to be that way. Yum yum.

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quote:

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Originally posted by TomDavidson:

quote:

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the experts believe we are experts because they can't believe that such tastes could come from anything so mundane as boxed/canned/prepacked stuff.

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You may be defining "expert" differently. Most of the real food "experts" I know would be aghast at this claim.

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I don't doubt that many experts would be aghast at the claim, but I wonder if they'd pass a blind taste-test. Sometimes the emperor is really naked.
 

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Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
kq, Okay, I believe you. And I bet they taste yummy, too.

I like all mashed potatoes... instant or not.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Heck, I like all potatoes, in any form, period.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
If I were to want to simmer new potatos, onions, and chicken in a sauce for 20 minutes or so, would I need to boil the potatos first, or would 20 minutes of simmering in a thick sauce be enough to cook them (they'd be diced up, of course)?
 

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Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
 
Boil them first. Twenty minutes won't be enough time.

quote:

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While I agree, my grandma makes real mashed potatoes without any lumps. She whips them in the mixer.

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quote:

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but I wonder if they'd pass a blind taste-test

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quote:

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Who doesn't whip their potatoes with a mixer? I mean, that's the only thing my mixer ever gets used for, is mashed potatoes.

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quote:

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Who doesn't whip their potatoes with a mixer? I mean, that's the only thing my mixer ever gets used for, is mashed potatoes.

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I don't whip them. That's not mashed potatoes, it's whipped potatoes. I mash mine with a potato masher.

Mash mash mash
Mash mash mash

That's the sound of mashed potatoes being mashed.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
*high-fives Tante*
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
<-- high-fives KQ
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 


Will you share your potatoes with me, too? I like to add a little roasted garlic, fresh minced rosemary, and sour cream to my mashed potatoes. I also like to leave a little bit of skin on a couple of them.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Perfect! I was half afraid to learn that you liked yours with (shudder) ketchup. Ketchup has its place. Which is not on mashed potatoes.

I am proud to say that I have never ever had gravy on mashed potatoes, and I hope to never ever have gravy on mashed potatoes.

But sour cream mixed in is lovely. Butter on top also lovely.

And when I boil the potatoes, I always throw in s few whole cloves of garlic, and mash those right along with the potatoes.

I ought to buy some potatoes and mash them up for dinner tonight.
 

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Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
 
I always leave the skin on the potatoes when making mashed potatoes. Boil em up, drain, mash em (with some butter) and serve. However, I have also been known to eat raw potatoes.

Now, as far as cooking from scratch is concerned. My chili is ALWAYS cooked from scratch. Mine has no recipe. I always get asked for it too. In fact, I just prepared some tonight. This way I can put it in the oven tomorrow without having to hassle with the draining and cutting that goes on right before. My mother on the other hand, could not keep from reaching into the pot and taking some of the ingredients. That stopped once I put the hot peppers in there.

Other than that, yep, I read the directions for almost everything else I make.
 

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Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
My only experience making mashed potatoes was not clear, because my wife gave me directions. She told me to boil the potatoes, and she would tell me what to do when they were done.

So when all the water was boiled out of the pan, I assumed they were done.

Of course she isn't any better of a cook. For our first anniversary she made me shrimp. While she cooked the shrimp well enough, she knew I liked cocktail sauce on mine. My mother told her that cocktail sauce was a mixture of horseradish and catsup. So she mixed the two together--at a 50/50 ratio. 1/2 cup catsup with 1/2 cup horseradish.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
I do put ketchup on my mashed potatoes. But only instant mashed. Home-made mashed potatoes are safe from ketchup, don't worry.
 

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Posted by maui babe (Member # 1894) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by ketchupqueen:
I do put ketchup on my mashed potatoes. But only instant mashed. Home-made mashed potatoes are safe from ketchup, don't worry.

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EEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!



 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Well, don't you put ketchup on fries? It's the same kind of thing. Ketchup is also excellent on baked potatoes.
 

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Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 
I had never even heard of mashed potatoes with ketchup. I am actually cringing in horror and disgust at the very thought.
 

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Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Zalmoxis:

quote:

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but I wonder if they'd pass a blind taste-test

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I bet many of them would if for no other reason than the amount of salt found in most prepared foods.

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quote:

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Originally posted by TomDavidson:
I had never even heard of mashed potatoes with ketchup. I am actually cringing in horror and disgust at the very thought.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Tante Shvester:
Kind of like a burst pimple.

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Exacatacally
 

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Posted by solo (Member # 3148) on :
 
There's a DJ on the radio station my wife listens to and his son will eat anything with ketchup. They had listeners call in and give suggestions and the only one I heard was oatmeal. The kid ate it up and enjoyed it while his sister was nearly sick watching him.
 

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Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
 
I eat ketchup with mashed potatoes, but....

It occurs because I get a forkfull of mashed potatoes, then I stab a piece of meatloaf and then I dip the meatloaf in ketchup.

It's all about the right combination of flavours and textures.

EDIT: added 'right'
 

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Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
 
Ketchup is also good with chicken nuggets, fish sticks, scrambled eggs, macaroni and cheese, and, of course, hot dogs. Oh, and meat loaf.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
You forgot grilled chicken breasts, grilled cheese sandwiches, French dip sandwiches, cheesesteaks, omelettes, boiled potatoes, fried cheese sticks, onion rings...
 

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Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
 
It works, but these combinations are superior:

chicken nuggets -- barbecue sauce
fish sticks -- tartar sauce
scrambled eggs -- salsa or any type of hot pepper or Mexican sauce (a green tomatillo sauce is my favorite)
macaroni and cheese -- nothing if it's good mac and cheese, fresh ground black peper if it isn't

I can't argue with hot dogs and meat loaf.
 

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Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
 
Grilled chicken breasts: If it needs ketchup, you haven't cooked it in barbecue sauce or an appropriate marinade.

Grilled cheese sandwiches: Don't like cheese, so I wouldn't know. Same goes for cheese steaks and fried cheese sticks.

French dip sandwiches: Could be good. I always found the dipping sauce too salty anyway.

Omelettes: I prefer mine with salsa, though I have eaten them with ketchup before.

Boiled potatoes: Hm. Nah, I'll go with olive oil, garlic, seasoning salt, and herbs.

Onion rings: Doh! Totally forgot.
 

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Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
 
I would also like to add that it's a crying shame that Tante has never had gravy on her potatoes. Gravy is God's gift to . . . me. We loves it, we does.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 

quote:

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Grilled chicken breasts: If it needs ketchup, you haven't cooked it in barbecue sauce or an appropriate marinade.

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I hate BBQ sauce. And I think it's good with ketchup even if it has been marinated.

quote:

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French dip sandwiches: Could be good. I always found the dipping sauce too salty anyway.

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Oh, no, you put the ketchup on the sandwich and then the dip! Of course, if you have a real French dip, it comes already dipped. So then, you can just open it up, ketchup it, and enjoy.

quote:

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Boiled potatoes: Hm. Nah, I'll go with olive oil, garlic, seasoning salt, and herbs.

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Well, duh. And then you add sour cream and ketchup!
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
You know what else is good? Pancakes with fried ham and ketchup. Mmmmmm...
 

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Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
 
There are so many lovely things that can go on pancakes that I would never waste them by putting ketchup on them.

Which reminds me: one of these days, I need to learn to make crepes.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Crepes really aren't that hard. Annie posted a recipe at the Jatraquero Recipe Collection.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
When I was growing up my mother would tell us "We don't eat gravy. We are not the kind of people who eat gravy." I'm not entirely sure what that means. I suspect that Mom is an anti-gravite.

Anyway, I do not eat gravy.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Mmmmm. I love gravy.

I was just making my lunch and remembered something else ketchup is good in-- Ramen.
 

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Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
 
Maybe she associated eating gravy with being poor and having nothing substantial to eat. My mom's dad hated soup for the same reason.
 

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Posted by maui babe (Member # 1894) on :
 
I was taught that we are not the kind of people who eat catsup. I grew into the kind of person who does not eat mayonnaise either. They are both disgusting to me, except in a very few usages. Even reading KQ's name makes me gag a little bit.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Tante, would she perhaps mean that gravy is most often composed of flour, meat drippings, milk, and seasoning?
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 

quote:

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Even reading KQ's name makes me gag a little bit.

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quote:

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I was taught that we are not the kind of people who eat catsup.

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quote:

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Tante, would she perhaps mean that gravy is most often composed of flour, meat drippings, milk, and seasoning?

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MILK in gravy? Really? I'm not a fan of gravy anyway, and I think I can count the number of times I've had it in my entire life on two hands, maybe one, but milk?

I can't even imagine why that would be a good idea.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 

quote:

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gravy is most often composed of flour, meat drippings, milk, and seasoning?

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quote:

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I can't even imagine why that would be a good idea.

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Because milk gravy is the best!
 

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Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
 
I can't stand regular gravy. I doubt I'd like milk gravy any more. I think I'll just pass.
 

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Posted by theCrowsWife (Member # 8302) on :
 
White gravy has milk as its liquid, brown gravy has broth. They're both good, but white gravy is best for biscuits and gravy. Mmmmm....

And really, the best thing you can put on most vegetables (and potatoes!) is ranch dressing. Not that nasty stuff they sell in the stores, but homemade ranch dressing.

--Mel
 

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Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
 
Nope. The best thing you can put on most vegetables are spices. Curry 'em up, and you've got a masterpiece! Yum!
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
I beg to differ. I am a big fan of sour cream and ketchup on-- well, most foods.

(Not that I don't love curry. )
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by ketchupqueen:
I beg to differ.

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You call that begging? That's just differing without the begging. Genuine begging involves getting on your knees, pleading, groveling.

Sheesh!
 

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Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by ketchupqueen:
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? KETCHUP IS NOT THE SAME AS CATSUP!!!

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Okay...I was curious about the difference and so I googled it. I searched for: difference between ketchup and catsup.

According to all the sites I looked at, there is no difference. I even found out that they are both pronounced the same way: Ketch-up...NOT CAT. I never knew that.

So... are they wrong? What is the real difference?

-Katarain
 

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Posted by theCrowsWife (Member # 8302) on :
 
I imagine that the real difference is that Heinz makes ketchup, not catsup, so therefore ketchup is the only true ketchup. Or so I have gleaned from reading kq's posts.

--Mel
 

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Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
Goodness no. I hate Heinz. I buy Hunt's. I like it, I prefer it. That's that.

Most of the little packets of ketchup you get at fast food places use Heinz. I'm always disappointed by the taste. It's icky.

I also don't like Kerry's wife. But I didn't like Heinz ketchup first.
 

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Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
*sits waiting for Catsupqueen to make an appearance and argue that she is different than Ketchupqueen.
 

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Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
 
Yep, I've been waiting for her to make an appearance and clear things up, too.
 

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Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
 
Hunt's is too sweet.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
I like Lieber's Ketchup. Betcha never heard of it.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 

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Goodness no. I hate Heinz. I buy Hunt's. I like it, I prefer it. That's that.

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*smites Katarain with the Ketchup of Righteousness*

I carry Heinz packets in my purse and in the glove compartment of the car for times when I am stuck at the house of an infidel like you and have no access to proper ketchup. *narrows eyes*
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Of course you do. We all suspected as much.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Well, it's not like I make a secret of it.

Oh, guess what Ems did when my mom made home fries and I showed her how to dip fries in ketchup the other day? That's right, triple-dipped and sucked the ketchup off before eating each fry.

That's my GIRL!
 

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Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
I can't say I understand the ketchup obsession...

I like to dip my grilled cheese sandwiches in ketchup... probably because they were always served with fries and it was inevitable that the sandwich would get some ketchup on it. I liked it.

I don't, however, prefer ketchup with my fast food fries. I MUCH prefer those little packs of barbecue sauce. YUM. At home, I use ketchup, though...

Just because you all wanted to know...
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
*narrows eyes again*

Barbeque sauce is of the devil.

*gets out Ketchup of Righteousness again in case further smiting is required*
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Tante Shvester:
I like Lieber's Ketchup. Betcha never heard of it.

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You lose! Then again, you like Lieber's ketchup (ew!), so . . .

Also, barbecue sauce is yummy, and ketchup is way overrated.

So, kq, how is Monday night for you?
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Monday night? Supposed to be FHE night, but we never really plan anything, so completely free. I'm going to be singing with my dad and the rest of the band in a few weeks, so soon I'll start going to practices and stuff, but our banjoist is going out of town, so Monday would, in fact, be perfect.

Jeff gets off work at 5 or so most evenings. Emma usually goes to bed between 9 and 10. Anywhere in there is good.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
I should be free as of about *calculates* 7:30/7:45 or so-ish.

But right now I am about to disappear, so we'll talk over the weekend.
 

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Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
I won't be free, but I am reasonably priced.
 

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