Yeah, the thread title pretty much says it all. I'd like to hear all the advice you've got to dish. I love hearing all the stories on Hatrack, and I know we have a bunch of couples... Consider it a community service. Feel free to make it as general or specific as you want.
What wise words would you tell a couple on their wedding day? Or your kids when they first start dating? What do you wish someone had told you at some point in your dating/married life?
Posted by Kent (Member # 7850) on :
"Seek to be of service, not to be served." Seriously internalized, this concept was the key to saving my marriage and it has helped me love and feel love better. It was given to me by a good friend, and now it is yours.
Posted by Dreamwalker (Member # 4189) on :
You're marrying into a whole other family. You gotta find a way to make those relationships work because that is where the person you love comes from.They are going to be there for all the signifigant events in your life for a looong time. Marriage might be about the two of you but life is about all the other interactions and how you cope with them
Posted by dabbler (Member # 6443) on :
Communication, total and honest, is tremendously important to maintain every day.
Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
I have already offered the world volumes of really really good* dating advice, in the form of visual aids for the remedial dating class. The series begins here. There are some naughty words and concepts there, be warned.
--Enigmatic
*Not all that good.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Don't ever spend a lot of money on a girl on a first date.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
For the record, I think Enigmatic's dating advice linked above is fabulous. Although somewhat crude. Posted by J T Stryker (Member # 6300) on :
LOL... Those are great Enigmatic...
Posted by J T Stryker (Member # 6300) on :
My advice is when a girl says she doesn't know something (like what she wants to do on sturday night, what she wants for her birthday, what time her parents will lock her out of the house, etc...) odds are, it's a trap...
And yes I'm single and bitter...
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
JT, you've just been dating the wrong women.
Marriage advice: It's normal to want to kill your mate in the first year of marriage. It'll pass. Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Enig...that was so wrong I loved it. Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
This thread inspired me to make another one. Obviously based on Dabbler's advice (which is actually really important.)
--Enigmatic
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
I love quid's advice. I think it IS normal to occasionally hate your mate during the first year of marriage. And a bit after the first year too. It passes.
I think the best advice I could have had that I wouldn't have understood would be: totally commit. Jump in with both feet and figure that what's yours is his and vice versa. At the same time, be patient with the slow easing of the boundaries you built as a single. I'm a full, 100% believer that as a symbol of the total commitment, your money should all be together after you get married. There should not be any accounts where one person has "her" money, or "his" money. It's like an out, "just in case", which is incompatible with full commitment.
I say I don't think I would have fully understood it because I'd never experienced it, and with 5 years of marriage to the right man, I think I'm starting to get a glimmer of what it means. I can dimmly see what a 50 year marriage can really mean. It's very wonderful. Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Looking before you leap is well and good, but don't make my mistake and stare into the pond until the water evaporates. Go for it. Take chances, enjoy what you can, and forget fear or insecurity--occasionally, total confidence, even feigned, is the greatest aphrodisiac.
Actually, I've been wondering: how does one tell if a guy's hitting on them? And how does one hit back? And how can you tell between real flirting and joke flirting?
Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
Joldo, if you think a guy might be hitting on you, he probably is.
Joke flirting is basically "safe" flirting. You can joke about being attracted to somebody without fear of rejection, because it's just a joke, right? But in my experience there is always some level of attraction (physical, mental, or emotional) at the heart of the joke. I've jokingly flirted with girls that I know wouldn't be compatible for a long-term relationship, but I don't think I've ever jokingly flirted with somebody that I wouldn't go out with for a fun evening. (That covers a broad range of possibilities, yes.)
--Enigmatic
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
- Marry someone who has your best interests at heart and have his/hers at your heart.
- Be faithful. All the time. Not just "don't have sex with others" but keep faith with your spouse in everything.
- Don't care about the stuff that doesn't matter or that you can't do anything about.
- Try very hard not to get into a financial hole. If you do get into one, work through it together.
- If you have children, make sure you both provide the discipline and are consistent.
- Learn to love the limitations too.
One big negative thing:
- If she says she's not sure she loves you, she doesn't. Walk away. Some people truly aren't ready for commitment or marriage. Thinking they'll come around may demonstrate your love, but it does nothing to/for them.
Posted by CT (Member # 8342) on :
Find someone who not only has good intentions for the marriage, but also has already developed the skills for carrying through (self-control, knowing how to "fight well," empathy, delayed gratification, etc.).
Seek to develop those skills in yourself before you marry, of course, but remember that one person cannot carry a marriage.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote: Be faithful. All the time. Not just "don't have sex with others" but keep faith with your spouse in everything.
This is huge. If you ever catch yourself hiding something from your spouse, stop and ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?"
Posted by ambyr (Member # 7616) on :
Love is a necessary but insufficient condition for a relationship.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
quote:I have already offered the world volumes of really really good* dating advice
I feel I must point out that Enigmatic is not married, so why go to him for advice?
Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
Harumph! 1) Because he's hilarious. B) Jhai asked for relationship advice, not just marriage advice. pi) Married people haven't gone on a First Date in years, while Enigmatic has a more active concern in the meeting people/dating end of things. IV) Chicks dig him. Next) Did I mention hilarious?
--Enigmatic
Posted by kojabu (Member # 8042) on :
I second dabbler with communication, because trust is based on it and if communication breaks down, trust breaks down and then it's very very bad. I speak from experience.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
quote:Originally posted by Farmgirl: I feel I must point out that Enigmatic is not married, so why go to him for advice?
This assumes that marriage is the point of dating. I don't think this is universally true. Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
Aw come'on, Twink. You know I was just razzin' Brian because it's fun.
and because he's hilarious.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Quite so. Posted by dean (Member # 167) on :
I second what Tom says.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Thank your lucky stars (or whatever you thank) for your spouse every day. Be grateful to be married to such a wonderful person.
Never, ever, ever criticize your spouse behind her back, and defend her fiercely if anybody else does.
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
OK... I have some relationship advice:
NEVER GO TO A BOYS-ONLY SCHOOL. That is, if you're interestd in ever having a relationship.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
I disagree. A boys-only school is perfect for some relationships.
And for others, well, they still got girls in Dead Poets' Society.
Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
quote:Originally posted by Farmgirl: Aw come'on, Twink. You know I was just razzin' Brian because it's fun.
and because he's hilarious.
And because of something about a red velvet couch.
Twinky, the problem with dating when you're not looking to ever get married is that a lot of girls think getting married is the point of dating, so then won't want to date you at all, or stop dating you once they figure out your views on marriage. Wouldn't it be nice if you could find a girl who also didn't want to ever get married so you just could date each other for the rest of your lives, move in together, maybe have some kids and get marr- Oh. Right.
--Enigmatic
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Very important to remember to always demonstrate respect.
The rest is just commentary.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
If someone says "I'm not good enough for you," believe them!
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Wow. Enigmatic is on a funny roll.
(that's not like a cinnamon roll)
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
My advice:
<Irish accent> Never marry a man who lies.</Irish accent>
That is so wise.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Marriage is a long conversation. Wait for someone with whom you can talk forever.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
quote:Originally posted by Enigmatic: Twinky, the problem with dating when you're not looking to ever get married is that a lot of girls think getting married is the point of dating, so then won't want to date you at all, or stop dating you once they figure out your views on marriage.
Then it's their loss.
I'm not opposed to getting married, nor am I actively avoiding it. It's one of those "burn that bridge when I come to it" things. Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
My advice:
Remember Annie rhymes her phrases, towns - and cities too - she razes.
I wonder if in AOL-speech you spell "razez"... Oh, right, AOL doesn't use that vocabulary.
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
I love hearing all the stories on Hatrack, and I know we have a bunch of couples... Consider it a community service. Feel free to make it as general or specific as you want.![[Wall Bash]](graemlins/wallbash.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)