Lucky you, you’re getting an award for no reason, no reason! But you’re getting hung for treason, treason
Congratulations, you didn’t die! Check it out, you’re about to fly!
Shot out of a cannon You landed on some chick named Shannon!
Now you’re in the hospital But the rooms are all full
Left the place and went back home Found his carnival friends, their mouths all foam
Back to your job as a carnival dude You’re shot out of a cannon for your food
And Shannon grew a beard In a freak show, she isn’t really that weird
Welcome to the Carnival! Enjoy your stay!
I’ll introduce you to two headed Jay He is a nice guy but he’s had a bad day
He’s going to jail for shooting a fan The poor dude looked at him funny, he’s name was Dan
Now he paints pictures on the wall He’ll only be there till next fall
Welcome to the Carnival! Enjoy your stay!
Bernice has no memory of his life He does not even remember his poor old wife
They go to the store to buy cola His poor wife listens to, “Lola”
A few seconds is all he knows Before he’s startled by his own toes
The Carnival folk, the carnival folk They take every prod and poke
Freak show buds Acrobat studs
All kind of funny Personalities and cheeks are all real sunny
Welcome to the Carnival! Enjoy the show!
(Little copyright deal. Don't copy off of me!)
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Hmm... interesting concept. I think a lot of the rhymes come across as forced. (Cannon, Shannon, cola, Lola)
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
It's interesting, at least. Annie's right about the rhymes seeming forced, and the rythym isn't very regular. I'd have to hear the tune, too; do you write the words first, the music first, or both at once?
Posted by SteveRogers (Member # 7130) on :
I only wrote words. I sing it to a tune, but I can't write the music. I don't play guitar. The rhymes were meant to seemed forced; its supposed to be funny.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Hmm... I find in art critiques (and this applies to literature as well), when someone responds to a criticism with "it's supposed to be that way," it means they can't or haven't tried to do it any other way. Try some other options - mess around with more strict meter and more oblique rhymes. After you've done a couple drafts and revisions, read through them and let others read through them and see if your original approach is still the best solution to what you're trying to get across.
If it's supposed to be funny, we as your audience should be able to read it as funny on the first try. We're reading it as forced, so a little tweaking would probably be a good idea.
Posted by SteveRogers (Member # 7130) on :
I'll try it.
Posted by SteveRogers (Member # 7130) on :
I almost wrote another song. It was going to be about a guy who gets dumped by two women that have the same first name, Alex. Because it just happened to me recently and the idea was running around in my head, waving its arms, screaming, " Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!"