quote:

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The following morn I will wake with a head
So much wiser than what it is now,
Yet the regular man, so the group – such the clan,
Will not worry when, where, what or how.

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My father alerted mt that "regular" can be interpreted as one who has his defecation working perfectly fine; in other words, no constipation diarrhoea.

Is this true? I prefer "regular" to "ordinary", in this case. But, if it is inferred so, I'd rather change it.
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Also, is it appropriate to change the rhyming scheme? All stanzas' rhymes in that poem are:

A
B
A
B

Except for the last one, which is:

A
B
CC
B

Is this okay and common, if I like to write older-style poetry?

JH
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
You've never seen those fiber supplement commercials about how they "keep you regular"?

Yes, regular means that. But I didn't think of it when I read it. However, I didn't really know what you were talking about there; it took me 4 reads to understand it. So you may want to re-write in clearer language anyway.

[ February 17, 2005, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: ketchupqueen ]
 

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Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
 
The poem, or the thread?
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
The poem.
 

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Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
 
If it makes more sense:

I have followed my heart to a place of no light,
And I washed in the Pool of Despair;
And thus, I will always be deep in the night,
I will rot with my soul deep in there.

I have looked through the Cave of the Nothingness once,
And have carried my fears alone;
And now with those fears I sense it’s a trance,
And I tremble so deep in the bone.

As I wander the alleys in lands oh, so dark,
As I trot on the blown away sand,
I fear that I’ll not return to be stark:
My Sisyphean fears at hand.

I know now what Hades had felt in his heart,
And I now sense these fears are true;
I know as the storm ends, a new one will start,
And the grey will then cover the blue.

The following morn I will wake with a head
So much wiser than what it is now,
Yet the regular man, so the group – such the clan,
Will not worry when, where, what or how.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
I still just don't really see where you're going with that line. It weakens the poem, I think you should change it to something else that expresses your theme more clearly.
 

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Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
 
It's a finalisation.

"The following morn" - a futuristic summary; "I will wake with a head so much wiser than what it is now" - this shows that it's all a dream or a nightly rhapsody, and that the whole loneliness showed me the ways of the wise.

"Yet the regular man" - showing that this wisdom applies not to any standard person. "Ao the group - such the clan" - if you want the widom, you must search it yourself, without any grouplike thoughts.
"Will not worry when, where, what or how" - which shows you that those who did not 'get wisdom' will not care; otherwise they'd search it.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Thank you, but I understood what you meant to say; it just doesn't "fit" all that well with the rest of the poem.

Plus, the language is awkward. It detracts.

If you mean "ordinary", don't say "regular".
 

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Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 
John, you know my advice in these situations.
 

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Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
 
Yes, I do, Tom.

Don't go berserk with rhymes (even though that's one of your ground rules on your Web page).

Or, the writers' forums.
 

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