Yesterday, Valentines day, I stopped to get gas. As I was checking out a woman walked in talking loudly on her cell phone. "And I told him, its not that I want to sleep around, its that I'm tired of getting beat on. He said he'd check with his mother about the Anger Management classes..."
I thought what a sad Valentine's moment. I then pondered if it was a good moment for the woman, getting out of an abusive relationship, or a sad moment, realizing that she was in one.
It made me think of other less than stellar Valentines moments. I put some to rhyme.
Lets celebrate our love and life Lets party and lets live The lab tests have all come back And each is negative.
"I'll consumate our love" she said With a little wink and nudge "But if you hit me one more time I'm gonna see the judge."
I know you think I'm sexy I really love the ring But your a guy and so am I And that really ain't my thing.
Lets have fun, lets have laughs Be wild and outrageous My doctor reassured me dear That I'm not yet contagious
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
*giggle*
Posted by Lady Jane (Member # 7249) on :
I said I'll always love you You didn't have to wait But I know I'll dissapear When you set the date.
Posted by Lady Jane (Member # 7249) on :
I'll pluck a rose for you, my love, And rest it in your hair Tucked behind your ear, my love Next to my handprint there.
Posted by Lady Jane (Member # 7249) on :
I had a mostly-good Valentine's Day, I promise.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Ha ha!
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Well, thank you for the chocolates And thanks for all that cash But she was not quite what I meant When I said "Take out the trash."
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
I bought roses and chocolates On you I did not skimp I paid your bill, but get no thrill From tipping you new pimp.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
(Rex on Desperate Housewives to his prostitute)
The handcuffs felt so silky That leather was so black But when you stepped upon me I had a heart attack.
Posted by Lady Jane (Member # 7249) on :
I love your sense of childlike fun You know I'm not into kinky But metal spirals I did not mean With "Get me something slinky."
[ February 15, 2005, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: Lady Jane ]
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
These are great.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
The lingere' is sexy I do not mean to scoff But it cost too much money For you to rip it off
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I said when we were married That I'd love you until death But no one told me nothin' About old guys' real bad breath.
Posted by Lady Jane (Member # 7249) on :
For love I painted my toenails red For love I joined a gym For love I'll follow you as long You have more cash than him.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Your makeup is impeachable Your stockings are just right But Harvey dear, I do fear That dress is just too tight.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I am busting a gut here. I think we should start our own line of greeting cards. We have enough artists, and enough sick-minded poets. Let's do it!
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Fidelity is overrated And honesty just doesn't pay But marriage can't be all bad I'm starting my fifth today!
Posted by Lady Jane (Member # 7249) on :
Your smile lifts my heart to joy Your strong arms let me rest Of all the husbands I will know Today you are the best.
[ February 15, 2005, 10:18 AM: Message edited by: Lady Jane ]
Posted by Lady Jane (Member # 7249) on :
Liz, I agree! I'm really enjoying this.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
A wife is such a comfort To enjoy as I can Especially when married To another man
Posted by Lady Jane (Member # 7249) on :
I love the way you make me laugh I live for your caress Forgive me, dear, my flouncing tears I think it's PMS.
Now that one might actually be useful.
[ February 15, 2005, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: Lady Jane ]
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
You have my love, you have my joy My heart you surely got So do you mind if I add Man your sister's hot.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
You're a sweet and lovely woman And fun to be with too. I only with reluctance picked Your roommate over you.
Edit: Dang it, Dan, you stole my idea.
[ February 15, 2005, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
On this day of love's true way Lets give our souls a whirl And tell me true, my darling do Have you ever kissed a girl?
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
There's enough of me to go around (More than enough its said) So how 'bot you, and your roommate too Join me in the bed?
Yeah, these Valentine's day cards would sell.
once.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Your heart does truly guide your tongue With love's vocabulary; Now let's see if you can tie a maraschino cherry.
[ February 15, 2005, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I'd love to be your Valentine, But it might be a tad funky; Though I love you, my mom objects 'Cause you're a signing monkey.
----------------------------------
It's not that I don't love you, I don't want you to be hurt; The reason I won't eat it is The sushi's a bit burnt.
---------------------------------- I took a strip-tease class for him, I'd not one thing left on, But he would not touch me and said, "Hon, wait 'till Star Trek's done".
----------------------------------
(That last one was inspired by Mil's Mailing List yesterday.)
[ February 15, 2005, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: ketchupqueen ]
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I absolutely love your poem; It's just, it might be very Much improved if you had used A rhyming dictionary.
[ February 15, 2005, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: ketchupqueen ]
Posted by John Van Pelt (Member # 5767) on :
To: Christian From: Roxanne Subject: [RE] Valentines Day ----------------------------------------------
Your limbs I've never held, We'd never done the deed. We've never IRL'd -- Only YIM'd and ee'd.
Now I'm doubting, love: The face I daydreamed of Is merely ... *sniff!* ... A jpeg or a gif.
But worse: your odes and verse, Citing us as soulmates, Were not your words, unrehearsed -- They're Hatrack cut'n'pastes!
[ February 15, 2005, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: John Van Pelt ]
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
We dined upon paella While gazing at the sea. Alas! He never told me He'd a seafood allergy.
Now my love's dead and in his grave I'll ne'er see him again And all because I knew not That he had an Epi-Pen.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Oh, dear my love, you truly shine, My Donner Party Valentine. But Ooops! What's this? Instead of pork, I find it's you upon my fork. Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
my favorites:
quote: A wife is such a comfort To enjoy as I can Especially when married To another man
You have my love, you have my joy My heart you surely got So do you mind if I add Man your sister's hot.
you guys are amazing.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
This one almost made me spit chocolate soy milk:
quote:I know you think I'm sexy I really love the ring But your a guy and so am I And that really ain't my thing.
Posted by scottneb (Member # 676) on :
I'd be glad to do some sketches.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Ode to Onanism
My love, it seems, is part of me And really quite divine I'm sure it's plain for all to see I love this hand of mine
Posted by Papa Moose (Member # 1992) on :
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
punwit, that's horrible. It was a perfectly innocent thread... *cracks up, still trying to repress it*
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
We've seen all sorts of innocent poetry about menage a trois, same sex love, wife beating... I thought it high time that someone offered a tribute to their right or left hand man/woman.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Oh, stop, you're killing me.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Well, I think that was very high-handed of you, Punwit.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I do have something to append; age may be a factor in coming to grips with this topic.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
What is this thing called "Love" It churns my guts atwitter I'm puzzled why you donned a glove and why this OJ is so bitter.
Posted by MrSquicky (Member # 1802) on :
My darling dear, I'll make it clear You know my heart is yours So, pookie poo, why does it bother you When my body hangs out with whores?
Apple of my eye, I loved you true ever since our first date A month gone by and I still do but now I'm three weeks late
Pick any other girl but you and they couldn't please me better you won my heart (and the contest too) because no t-shirt was wetter
No other woman could be my pup Not Mary, Beth, or Heather Because you let me tie you up And smack you butt with leather
I'll spend this night alone I'll be with the one I love But I'll be safe, as can be shown by my plans to wear a glove
[ February 15, 2005, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: MrSquicky ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Ah, finally we've tied the knot A crowd of people cheers us Above the floor, my light feet trot As the hangman executes us
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I've heard of the V-day Massacre, The gangsters and all of that but I'd no idea shooting me's what you meant By "historical re-enactment"!
Posted by John Van Pelt (Member # 5767) on :
bob
as much for the scansion of 'exeCUTES us' as for the whole idea.
[edit to insert 'bob']
[ February 15, 2005, 07:02 PM: Message edited by: John Van Pelt ]
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Our love is pure. Our love is true. And money is so crass So take that old prenup of yours And stick it up your...
____
As I lay me down to sleep I pray my lord your health to keep I pray for peace for all our sake I Pray the condom didn't break.
____
Your eyes, your lips, your heart, your mind These parts of you I love In small jars of turpentine Kept on the shelf above.
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
This thread is part of the Grand Jatraquero Poetry Bump.
:bump:
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I love you very much And really want for us to marry But when are parts do touch The only way is missionary
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
My horse, I say, I do adore Which does present a moral quandry I'll defend our love and even more I'll press to legalize animal husbandry
Edit awful metre to something a tad bit better.
[ February 16, 2005, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: punwit ]
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
*winces* punwit, can you do something about the metre? I know we're not going for perfection here, but that one hurt.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I know it's not very good. I've fiddled with it and that was the best I could do. I'll keep trying and edit if I come up with something better.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
All right, thank you.
Posted by MrSquicky (Member # 1802) on :
When I saw you in that sweater I knew I'd never want another Other girls looks are better But you remind me of my mother
[ February 16, 2005, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: MrSquicky ]
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
When we first wed, it was so grand That trip to old Niagra! But it seems that you have come unmanned And now you need Viagra
[ February 16, 2005, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
I love the gold hoop earrings that are hanging from your ears. But use a tad more lipstick or I'll need a few more beers.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Oh yes, I am so sorry I apologize my wife You were right and I was wrong Now please put down the knife.
Your mom is sweet, your dad is great Your sister--I detest Of all your family I have met With you, the sex was best.
We danced divine on our first date We danced our wedding dance, twas great But the best dance I did save To Macarena on your grave.
Someone stop me before I rhyme again.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Your love for me is oh so true So please make that a habit Cuz if you don't, then you should know My mom's Lorraina Bobbitt.
(this rhyme only works with a British or Boston Brahmin accent)
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Try this rhyme...
You ignore me for DVD Of elf and orc and hobbit. I'll make you a true half-man Or I'm not Lorraina Bobbit.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Ha! I thought it best not to bring hobbits into this thread.
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
I'm just heartbroken I came to this brilliant thread so long after Valentine's.
And May Day just doesn't offer the same rich possibilities.
Mother's Day, though ... now there's a thought.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Ah, this thread was so much fun...
I was rather proud of the "allergic to paella" one. The premise came about because I mentioned paella and my husband didn't know what it was.
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