I just sent an email to my father and now I'm feeling all shaky. I hope I did the right thing.
Here's the back story - my parents are at the moment finalising their divorce. They split 18 months ago after Dad had an affair and Mum found out. The affair had been going on and off for several years. Dad moved out of home, and moved in with his lover (mistress? girlfriend? partner?) and her daughter (4 years younger than me).
I was in Brisbane when this happened and so missed a lot of the raw emotional fall-out - though I got my share via telephone.
When Tony and I got back 5 months after the split, we found that Dad's partner had been accepted by all the family to the extent of attending all christmas functions. I found this hard to cope with and this was pretty clear to everyone.
A year later, I am trying to invite Dad and partner and her child to dinner. On Sunday I rang Dad and re-iterated the invitation. He declined on the grounds that I was not comfortable around his partner. The impression I got was until I was, he would not visit me.
Needless to say this upset me. A lot.
So I sent him an email (I decided it was better to write it down rather than try and tackle it via phone. With my father, that would have been impossible).
Now I'm nervously waiting for a reply...
Here it is. (HC is the partner, S is her daughter. Joe and Kate are my little brother and sister.)
quote: Hi Dad,
I thought I'd email this to you in an effort to explain myself more clearly.
The phone conversation we had on Sunday left me very upset. The impression I received was that until I feel comfortable around HC you will not be visiting Tony and I at our house. I am unsure if that was what you meant to convey or not.
The reason this upset me is I felt that I was being made to do the impossible - either force a feeling that I do not possess, or not see my father on any regular basis.
I cannot pretend that I am entirely comfortable around HC. In many ways I think this is a natural response to the situation. However, there are two points I would like to make - the first is although I don't personally feel comfortable, this does not mean I do not accept her or the situation, or would not welcome her to our house. Secondly, I think such comfort will only come with time and familiarisation, and I do not see how refusing to visit me will quicken this process - in fact I think it can only harm it.
I can understand if you do not feel happy bringing HC and S to dinner. But I don't see how that means that you can't come yourself. On that note, Tony and I would love to invite you and Kate and Joe to dinner - maybe sometime this weekend. We have a big Christmas tree that I want the kids to see and I would like to show you our house with the carpets up and our furniture properly arranged. If you wished to bring HC and S they would also be welcome, but if not I would still love you and the kids to come.
I hope this explains how I am feeling a bit better.
Love Imogen
[ December 06, 2004, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: imogen ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*hug*
Divorce sucks. I hope he is able to hear you, and comes. Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Struck me as a pretty good letter imogen. You laid things out in a polite, straightforward way. Good luck with this; I can imagine that it woudl be a rough thing to deal with.
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
Pretty much a perfect e-mail.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Thanks guys.
I thought the email was ok, but it's always nice to receive affirmation.
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
You have Ralphie's approval. What more can you ask for?
(Good letter. It would be nice if parents allowed you to actaully feel your own feelings, wouldn't it?)
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
Um, sorry, that wasn't really meant to be posted right after your post. I was posting after Ralphie. It would have looked better there. You butter inner.
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
When I read your situation over, I thought of two main points I would have included in the e-mail, and you put them both in. Plus, it was concise and articulated very reasonably.
Pretty perfect. Also, Kayla liked it. So, you know, with me and Kayla you have the approval of the dark side, at least.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Now all I need is approval of the computer program and I'm set.
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
I think it's a great e-mail. It gets your feeling across in a non-threatening way. Maybe your dad will think twice about the situation and what he said now. (((imogen)))
space opera
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Well, I got an email back - and it's pretty positive I think.
quote: HI Imogen
Thanks for the thoughtful note. I certainly didn't mean to say I wouldn't visit! Just that I thought some sorts of get-togethers (such as small scale intimate dinner) were proving too awkward as yet. You plainly don't enjoy them, and HC is extremely embarrassed. So I'd certainly like to come around, and like you to meet HC and S on occasions when it might be a bit easier, such as Christmas Eve at [my aunt's].
It would be nice to bring Kate and Joe to your place... can I get back to you with some suggested times when I've had a chance to check timetables?
Love Dad
For my father, that is a very emotional and loving note.
meh.
But I am very glad he will be coming to dinner.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
For many dads, that is an emotional and loving note.
Good job, im! Looks like you cleared the air AND will get to have your dad and sibs over, as you wanted. And the rest on a more gradual scale, which is likely best.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Rivka - yeah, I guess so.
No, I am happy. It will be nice to have dinner with them all. And our Christmas tree is sensational. (Expensive, but sensational).
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
Yay for you!! I'm glad things are obviously on the road to being worked out.
space opera
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
I like the way he thinks Christmas Eve at someone else's home would be "easier" than on a date of your choosing in your own home. Men are so weird.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I think he figures that there will be more people at the Christmas Eve do and hence it will be easier.
However there is also the fact that my Mum has not been invited because HC has been - and this is the traditional Christmas thing for our family. It is only Dad's family (my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents) but all of Mum's family is on the other side of the country so for her it is very much a family Christmas event.
She always looks out for little special presents for my cousins and my aunt and grandparents and this year has been no different. Except this time the presents are being sent along with me because she isn't invited.
She is very upset and I feel very sorry for her - so I'm not sure that timing will help to make me more comfortable around HC who, for all intents and purposes, has taken my Mum's place at these gatherings.
*whew* Feels good to unload. Sorry Hatrack!
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
Your mom sounds really cool. I'm not sure I'd buy gifts for aunts or mother-in-laws if I were being cut out of the family. The kids I can see because they are innocent in all of it, but the adults?
However, as I handed them out, I'd make sure they knew the gifts were from your mother and she would have delivered them in person, but she wasn't invited. Loudly, so the whole room hears you. (Of course, that's only what I'd say in the fantasy life in my head. In reality, I'd just duck in, drop of the gifts as discreetly as possible, thank the hostess and leave as quickly as possible. But in the life in my head I'm less of a wussie and much cooler.)
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I think I'm like you Kayla. My internal fantasy dialogue will probably differ greatly from what is actually said.
Keeping it Civil - Christmas '04. That's my motto. Posted by Sara Sasse (Member # 6804) on :
imogen, what amazing restraint and careful thought. You have my award for Exhibiting Grace 2004.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Thanks Sara.
I actually agonised over the letter, and gave myself a few days separation between the event and writing it. In hindsight, that was a Very Good Idea. I am not sure what kind of letter I would have written on Sunday, but I'm fairly sure grace or restraint would not have come into the equation.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
<-- Agrees with Sara.
And I'm glad you gave yourself some distance before writing it. That always helps.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Have I ever mentioned how much I admire you, imogen?
Seriously, not just because of this situation. You're one of my favorite Hatrackers, but most of all, I want to be just like you. You're just the perfect example of a good human being. Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
I fail to see how he thinks you can EVER become "comfortable" about HC if he never allows you two to interact. I mean total avoidance of the situation is not going to make it any better -- in fact, just the opposite.
Much like younger children, when their parents re-marry -- adjusting to the new step-parent. If the step-parent wasn't in the house all day every day, they would probably never accept the new addition and grow with it.
As an adult, it is harder, because you don't have the constant contact in order to see the new "addition" as a person and allow time to gradually work things out.
It sucks being in this situation at all, I know. I remember many events in my life where my mom wouldn't go because my dad was going to be there, etc. It isn't fun for the kids, at any age.
Farmgirl
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
You know, I don't know why imogen ever has to get comfortable with her father's old mistress. My dad cheated on my mom several times, and I never felt compelled to tolerate the other women, even when he finally divorced her and married one of them.
At the end of the day, the woman in question was willing to slut around for years with a married man. Regardless of whatever other sterling qualities she might happen to possess, this clearly disqualifies her as a stepmother.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
Well, I didn't mean to imply she ever HAD to get comfortable. Heck, I'm still not very fond of my own step-mother.
But I was just saying total avoidance was going to do the opposite -- there would be no chance they could even learn to be much more than civil to each other. And the stress of that is hard on Imogen, if nothing else. Life is too short to be lived with lots of hard feelings hanging on your heart.
FG
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Good job, imogen. I hope this is the start of some healing in your family.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Imogen, you did the perfect thing. *hug* I'm so proud of you - what a hard situation.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
*grin*
Thanks guys.
Tom - I agree in principle. Except that Farmgirl's right about the hard feelings getting too much for me. And knowing my father, it will be a lot easier on our relationship if I can be around this woman.
Personally, I think it sucks that I have to be the one who is being mature and responsible about the situation. But that's the way it is, and if I'm not then my relationship with Dad suffers even more - and I really don't want that to happen.
Really, thank you all for your kind words and support. It's been a bit tough family wise lately, and it's so nice to have somewhere to talk about it a bit and be greeted by friends.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
silly double posting...
[ December 07, 2004, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: imogen ]
Posted by kyrie (Member # 6415) on :
quote: At the end of the day, the woman in question was willing to slut around for years with a married man. Regardless of whatever other sterling qualities she might happen to possess, this clearly disqualifies her as a stepmother.
Tom D, it is the person in a previous commitment (i.e. a marrige) that i would have trouble (re)accepting. "Sluting around" or no, it's not him/her who is already commited. It is the person involved in a commitment and willing to break it who is doing something wrong, and that is where the blame should lie. Cake (one of my favorite bands) puts it well in their song "When you sleep" "Now Zeus was a womanizer Always on the make But Hera usually punished her that Zeus was one to take"
All of this doesnt make it any easier espesually if your the child of the person breaking the commentment. but as Cake says, it has been happening for a long time.
I honestly meen no disrespect to what you went through Tom D, or you Imogen (i second raia's comment!), i am only makeing a point.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
I think you BOTH handled it pretty well...you laid out your concerns, and it seems like he is trying to work around the ackwardness of the situation.
Well done...as well as anything that difficult can be done, that is....
Kwea
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
imogen, would it be okay if I email you when my dad makes me mad the next time? You described a situation almost identical in essence to what happened with my parents, and after Dad invited himself and his girlfriend to Christmas at my house, I uninvited her by saying she wasn't welcome in my house. Which resulted in my dad and I not speaking for over a year and my missing his wedding.
So next time Dad makes me mad, I'd like to just email you and you can tell me what's okay to say, okay?
You're totally impressive.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Of course jeniwren.
Not promising I'll tell you the right thing but it might be nice to talk about it with someone who is going through the same thing.
It sucks, huh?
At least we have Hatrack to keep us sane. Or at least a semblance of sanity. Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Kyrie - it's true that my Dad did the cheating and I am mad at him for that.
But he is still my father and I love him, so I have to accept him, if not his behaviour. I can't not have him in my life, it would be too hard for me. For all his faults he has been a very good father to me, and I don't want to lose that.
His partner however, I don't love, or even like particularly - and there is no emotional tie or history that makes her mean anything to me. So it is a lot easier not to accept her than it is not to accept my father.
That said, the whole situation is messy. People who have affairs don't seem to consider how it will affect their kids.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
In any case, I would disagree that the "other woman" is somehow less at fault that the cheating spouse. It may not be their marriage vows that are being broken (unless they are also married), but they are knowingly helping someone break their vows.
(((((im))))) Parents are awfully stressful sometimes, neh?
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I agree Rivka. But it's not *only* her fault. Takes two to tango and all that.
Actually, she was married as well (aside: Dad told me that as it was an arranged marriage to an older man, it 'didn't count'... Don't know how he justified it in terms of his own marriage.)
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*nod* I was just disagreeing with the claim that women who sleep with married men are somehow less at fault than the men they sleep with.
It never ceases to amaze me -- in my own behavior, as well as others' -- how we can rationalize almost anything if we want to badly enough. *sigh*
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Me too.
Aah, this is turning into a woe-me thread.
Enough woe-me!
I have a christmas tree, a dog and a really good caterer for my wedding. Life is good. Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*laugh* I think you forgot a couple things on that list. Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Oh yes, a house. And a mother who bought me vouchers for two deluxe facials as a 'december treat'.
Anything else? Oh, the fiance... Yeah, I guess I'm grateful for that one as well. Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
You aren't even married yet, and he is an afterthought?
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Looks like you cleared the air AND will get to have your dad and sibs over, as you wanted. And the rest on a more gradual scale, which is likely best.![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
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