How is it possible to swallow the sorrow and pain and get back into the swing of life?
After my cousin's death, ten days ago, I've been practically bedridden (except for Camelot, which I've done -- but theatre is the only place I know of in which I can shed my skin and be myself no matter what is happening outside). Today, I've tried to go back to class. I've lost all motivation to learn, to expand... I've lost my motivation to live my life because it's all I have, to enjoy myself before it's too late. How do I regain the will to get back into the rhythm of life? Honestly, I'd rather lie in bed all day everyday, and not speak to anyone. This morning, I cried because I had to go to class. I don't want to, I want to curl up in a little shell and just stay there. It's almost as though it seems unfair that I should be living when my fourteen year old cousin lost her ability to do so. Please, Hatrack, if you have any tips for me, I'd gladly welcome them... I don't know what to do. Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
Raia
What do you personally believe about what your cousin experiences after death? Since I'm not familiar with that part of your religion, and my belief is very different, I'm not sure how to best comfort you here, so I would rather ask, than say something that would offend...
FG
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Farmgirl, while I'm Jewish, I'm not a religious Jew. I'm fairly secular. I'm not the right person to ask about such beliefs, because I will doubtless get them wrong; my beliefs aren't as strong as, say, rivka's. But yes, there is a World to Come, according to Halakhic Jewish law. I just don't believe in it strongly enough to be able to find comfort in that fact.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Did you ever go to the campus's counciling center? It sounds like talking all of this through with a therapist would be helpful. If you've already developed a relationship with a therapist that you like from your go round with that jackass, so much the better--you've already got someone to talk to. If not, well, sounds like it would be a good time to check the place out.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
Well, then, if you were here, I wish I could just hug you. Because I'm not sure what I can say that helps. But I am thinking of you, and hope that time will make it easier to bear..
FG
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
No, Noemon, I never went before... *sigh* Maybe I should shelve my anti-analyst attitude and check it out. I'm just not crazy about therapists most of the time... I went to one when I still lived in the states, and I dreaded going there every other week, I absolutely hated it. But this is a situation out of the ordinary, so I might have to try it.
Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
It sounds like a normal part of grieving to me.
Posted by Toretha (Member # 2233) on :
It's worth trying-there's lots of very helpful therapists in addition to the dreaded and annoying ones. And....*hugs*
[ December 06, 2004, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Toretha ]
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
I know a few therapists that don't suck. Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :
Well, all I can say is...(((Raia)))
Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
Raia, I've had a great experience with the psychologist I've been seeing. A good psychologist will attempt to develop rapport; mine often will just have a casual conversation with me. If you don't feel comfortable talking to a therapist within one or two sessions, find someone else.
I encourage you to go see someone. Sometimes psychologists can spot things that you haven't noticed or thought about. They can also give you good strategies for coping with tough situations. I'd recommend finding someone who does cognitive-behavioral therapy rather than Freudian analysis, but that's just my bias, I guess.
Take care of yourself. There is no rush to get back to "normal" life. Wait until you feel you are ready.
[ December 06, 2004, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: Shigosei ]
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
(((Shani))) Believe it or not dear, I think you're just a normal girl that is grieving for a loss. Don't feel like there is anything wrong with how you feel. The suggestion to go and talk to a therapist is a good one. I think that he/she might be able to help you cope with this hard time in your life. Hang in there, you have our prayers and sympathy. Posted by kyrie (Member # 6415) on :
keep in mind to that you are aloud to "shop around" untill you find a theripist your comfrtable with,
Posted by signal (Member # 6828) on :
(((Raia)))
I know exactly what you're going through, because I'm still going through it myself. I used to love doing graphics work on my computer and a lot of times now, I can't even force myself to do anything past opening the program.
Unfortunately I don't know of any magical cure. People have told me that it just takes time. One lady said something along the lines of "That pain will always be there, but over time it will wear down to the size of a pebble that you can carry in your pocket" (I probably messed it up, but I hope that made sense).
Counseling is different for everyone. I know a lot of people that have gone and felt like it made a difference. Personally I don't feel comfortable talking to someone I don't know and trust. I have found that hanging out with really close friends seems to help a little. For the first month after my brother died, I would bust out crying at random and they were supportive and not weirded out by it (or at least they didn't show it) and that made me feel more comfortable. I'm also lucky to have a couple friends that were friends with both my brother and me. I feel comfortable saying things to them that other people might interpret as insane or suicidal (I'm neither) or just plain stupid, but they know me well enough to know that sometimes I just need to say things out loud and then I feel better. They also understand when I don't feel like saying anything at all.
Many times though, I don't feel like being around people at all. I have found some activities that will occupy my time and get my mind off of things for a while. Sometimes I'll find a magazine or book to read - something not sad or death related. Sometimes I'll just lay in bed and hug my brother's old stuffed dog. I don't know why, but that always makes me feel better.
I noticed that I've been doing a lot more web surfing. There are websites and forums specifically for greiving, but I never felt comfortable enough to use them. I have a blog that I now use to write how things are going and how I feel. A lot of times, I'll write something really long and kinda depressing and then I'll delete most if not all of it, because I feel better about whatever it was that was bothering me. The blog I use has an option to hide entries, so if you don't want to make your thoughts public, you can still get them out and keep them private.
I have also heard that physical exercise is supposed to help, but I haven't taken that advise yet, so I don't know.
I almost forgot, there's also this book a friend gave me called "Do They Have Bad Days in Heaven?" by Michelle Linn-Gust. It's geared towards suicide sibling loss, but I think that it's general enough for coping with the death of a loved one.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
(((Raia))) I think I would be laying in bed curled up in a ball myself if I went through the death of someone very close to me.
It is good that you are grieving. I don't know much about it, but I have heard that it is something that *must* be gone through--that if people supress it, it never gets dealt with and it will be worse later. But I also think that there are cases of people not successfully moving beyond the stage of extreme grief and getting on with life. But that is more like years after the event has happened. I think you may need more time.
Being involved in Hatrack may be a good "escape" if you can find enjoyment in it. The problem is when you can't find enjoyment in *anything* at all. Talking to someone might help you to move beyond this intense stage when you might be tempted to remain in it longer.
I have always heard that if you can find a way to concern yourself in helping other people, it can help you overcome your own pain and grief. But I think that is far easier said than done.
Whatever happens, don't feel down on yourself for having a hard time with this!
Posted by dread pirate romany (Member # 6869) on :
((((Raia)))
Are there any greif support groups near you? They can be lifesavers. It helps to talk with a lot of people in varying parts of the journey, and to be in a safe place where you can cry, rage or wahetver you need to do.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
quote: I have found that hanging out with really close friends seems to help a little.
Maybe if I had close friends here... They're all 5000 miles away.
There's probably something along the lines of a support group, but I don't know, I haven't looked into it. I guess I should.
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
If you're able to hang out a little online, maybe there's a good support group online? I know that might be a little iffy, but you may be able to find people to talk to that understand what you're going through, as I can only be VERY sympathetic. I wish I could help you more.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Maybe there's one... I dunno. I'm a little worried that I spend so much time online, though... it's almost like I'm trying to lose myself in the internet so I don't have to face real life. I know my parents are worried about that too.
Posted by ginette (Member # 852) on :
(((Raia)))
Posted by Fyfe (Member # 937) on :
(((((Raia)))))
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
(((((Raia)))))
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Raia.
You get one more week of hiding in bed, curled in the fetal position.
After that, I will be flying out to your campus with a bucket of ice and a willingness to use it.
On a vaguely serious note, you don't get over the loss of someone important to you in just ten days. At some point, the pain does stop.
While I'm sure she appreciates how much you care for her, I'm equally sure she'd tell you to hurry up and get on with your life. And maybe have a scoop of ice cream for her, too.
-Trevor
Posted by MaydayDesiax (Member # 5012) on :
Hey Trevor, I'll race ya.
(((little one)))
Raia, I agree, you're still grieving. While I've never lost anyone in my family the way you have, I can't tell you what you're doing isn't 'normal' or 'healthy'. Everyone grieves in their own way: for some, it takes a few days to push aside their grief--for others it takes years.
My advice, seriously, go see a professional about this. If you don't like him/her, don't go back. You're allowed to look around, and I promise you'll feel better talking to someone about it. There are people out there who truly care, and although I know you've had a bad experience with therapist, I always found it to be nice.
And since you want to try to get back in the swing of things... Get up and try. Not all at once, mind, but try. Take a walk around campus one day. Sit though a class. It is astounding what fresh air and sunshine can do for a person.
(((Raia))) I know you miss her, little one. You have my dorm number, if you need me call.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
(((((שני))))) Sweetie, no matter what one's beliefs are, grief is a natural and very real thing. Even if you had a strong belief in Olam Habah, you would still be -- and rightfully so! -- grieving for the cousin who is no longer part of this world.
I agree with those who have suggested talking to a therapist on campus. That's what they are there for. It seems unlikely to hurt, and might really help. I hope you will try it.
As far as practical steps, well, I'm going to quote one of my favorite movie speeches of all time:
quote:What are you going to do?
Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
It's hard. It's really hard. But you do need to keep living your life. *hug* But it's ok to need some help with figuring out how to do that . . .
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
Good Tom Hanks line rivka.
(((Raia))) What everyone else said. Keep us posted on how you're feeling. You can be honest about how you feel here, it's safe. ok?
Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
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