Hatrack River Forum: More Poetry By Me!

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Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :

Every day, as I walk home, I pass this tree. and here it is is for you to see ^^:

quote:

A tree stands fierce and strong,
Its branches raised to strike,
Its leaves pointed and long,
Its heart a deadly pike.

A ninja tree I call it,
And to it I dare not go,
For should I offend this tree,
I do not doubt it would kill me!

[ November 04, 2004, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: Phanto ]

Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :

Not bad. Change "were to" in the second to last line with "should" and the cadence would match with the last line. (Probably seperate it into two line stanzas as well, as the last two lines don't match with the rest of the poem in rhythm)
Aside from those minor problems it's really good.

edit: Just read it with an emphasis on rythm. Add another line, like maybe
And to hell I would go
or maybe
my blood it would then flow
helps close out the rhythm a bit (But then, I'm not much of a poet)

[ November 04, 2004, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: Boris ]

Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :

Thanks for the advice ^^. Glad you liked it [Smile]

.

[ November 04, 2004, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: Phanto ]