So I start a job, and at first, it's great! I'm excited. I'm interested. I work hard.
Until about the four month mark or so, where I begin to get bored. And then I get depressed. Soon, I find myself unable to do my job. I get "stuck". I feel like I'm superglued to my chair, unable to make any forward movement. I do the barest minimum necessary, and sometimes, not even that.
This has happened at every single job I've had. Even happened on the paper route I had as a kid.
I'd like to understand WHY this happens, so I can think of ways to correct this behavior. Some of it may be biochemical -- I do tend to get depressed around this time of year -- but I think some of it is behavioral, as well.
Thoughts? I really need to figure this out, because I cannot afford to lose another job.
[ November 18, 2004, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: xnera ]
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
No thoughts.
Only pity. I'm really sorry for your troubles . Good luck.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Well, there are a couple of things that could be responsible for this. First, you're obviously quite bright, and my guess is that you require quite a bit of stimulation in order to keep yourself occupied. Am I right? I could easily be wrong about the latter part of that--I don't know you all *that* well--although I've seen enough of you to be fairly certain of the former.
Might you have ADD?
Do you take jobs that are below your level of ability, that fail to challenge you after you've learned the new system? Might you be happier in a job that threw more varied challenges at you, and kept you just a bit off balance most of the time?
What was your childhood like? Can you think of any attitudes toward work on your parents' part that might have molded this in you? How would you characterize your parents' parenting style in general?
Posted by rubble (Member # 6454) on :
The times that I've gotten stuck in a rut at work it has been either because I felt that there was no way I could change the way we were doing things or I was getting no participation from above either in leadership or recognition.
I'm not sure of the type of work you're in, xnera, nor the dynamics of your workplace. My only advice is to try and figure out what help you need from your employer and, if possible, tactfully ask them to help you. The last thing you need is to be let go when your employer would have been perfectly happy to do just what you needed to get you going again, but you never proposed the solution to them.
Good Luck!
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I'm finally coming out of a stuck rut that I've been in since I got swamped in July. Basically shut down and only doing the minimum to get by.
What changed? I'm not entirely sure, but I have been getting a sense of accomplishment from a couple of projects that I've gotten done at home and I think it is carrying over.
I know it isn't directly related to you, but recently I've also been going into a frenzy of activity on Sunday evening. But I do feel like I've accomplished something over the weekend when I go to work on monday and it helps make work more bearable.
AJ
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I am an INFP. From a profile on INFPs:
quote:When an INFP supports a particular project or goal, they can get an extraordinary amount of work done in a short time. On the other hand, INFPs tend to procrastinate and are dissatisfied by detailed work not related to one of their important values. This is one reason INFPs are happier when working at jobs which are related to their values.
And I often wonder if this is what the problem is. Right now, I'm working in finance. My job is basically to delete lines from spreadsheets and copy data from one form to another. Pretty boring, and doesn't fit in with my values.
quote:Well, there are a couple of things that could be responsible for this. First, you're obviously quite bright, and my guess is that you require quite a bit of stimulation in order to keep yourself occupied
Possible. I sometimes wonder if I sabotage myself to make things more interesting. It's scary to think that I would be doing such a thing, but maybe that's what is happening.
It's possible I have ADD, though I've read enough to conclude that I probably don't. Still, I really want to go to a psychiatrist and get properly diagnosed, because I'm sick of having to deal with this. First I need to find my health insurance stuff, though. I scooped it up when I was cleaning the house for my birthday party, and now I can't find it. It's probably in Mound Doom somewhere.
My parents are both people who work hard, no matter what the job is. Dad can go to work, do his job, and go home, and not think about it. Mom's of the notion that you just do your job, and doesn't understand why I can't sometimes. Both of them have problems understanding that I need to feel invested in my job, though Dad is more understanding than Mom is. I've felt that they've been very protective of me growing up, and I've often gotten the message that they believed I was incapable of handling life very well.
quote:The times that I've gotten stuck in a rut at work it has been either because I felt that there was no way I could change the way we were doing things or I was getting no participation from above either in leadership or recognition.
Pretty much the latter, here. My supervisor has been insanely busy, and has not had any time for me, really. So I'm pretty much on my own. Which would be fine if I was into my work, because then I could just focus and DO it, but I'm having problems with the "just DO it" thing.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Hmm What do you really want to do? What is your Romantic DREAM? I know I am tired of my job, but this is because I have been bagging for a freaking year and they will never move me to something else... So I keep dragging when it comes to leaving the house and I end up being 7 minutes late.
edited to add- Then again, if it is boring as all hell, who can blame you for having trouble forcing yourself to do the work? Perhaps you need a job with more challenge...
[ October 18, 2004, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: Synesthesia ]
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
quote:I've often gotten the message that they believed I was incapable of handling life very well.
I'd guess that this is the single most important sentence in your post, at least in relation to working through this problem. Messages like this from parents can be devistating, and are not uncommon.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
I read your description, and I thought "Of course! That's just the way life is." It's not too surprising that I'm an INTP, very similar to you.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
quote:Pretty boring, and doesn't fit in with my values.
This is a value-weighted statement. Is there nothing relating to the company you work for that supports your values? If you are working for a company that funds expeditions to the arctic to harvest baby seal fur, then I guess the answer would be "no".
You are struggling with a belief that doing your job doesn't matter. Does it really not matter?
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
So how have you coped with it Porter?
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Synth, what I'd really like to do is write. Or at least, be surrounded by creative people. I was happiest when I was unemployed because I had the time to follow my own interests. I wrote about writing, and did volunteer tech support, and programmed an AIM bot, and indexed posts. Everything I was doing seemed to involved writing in some way, and I was very happy, if broke. And yeah, I was stressed about finances, but somehow it still felt better than I feel now, when I have money but am just so incapable of doing ANYTHING because I am tired all the time.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Why not try technical writing? It doesn't require a particularly elaborate skill set, and you're already a techie who likes to write.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
What jerks they are for saying stuff like that to you! But, you are in a simular position I am in. There is nothing I want to do besides write. I am tired of my current job. The prospect of working another retail job makes me miserable. I need to write, but my writing is so random and irrational that I wonder if anyone will want to read it... But still... somehow, realistically, all people must overcomet hat and make their dreams come true... Or else the same thing will keep happening. Boredom, the time dragging, being unable to get your work done... all of those are signs that say, "This isn't for you, do what you were born to do!"
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
I don't know that technical writing would be more meaningful. I have a friend who is a sociology professor who doesn't feel her work is meaningful. I think it is just the beliefs about work, more than what the work is, that are creating unhappiness. But I'm kind of a Cog-Behavioral junkie.
P.S. Because Syn posted the same time as me. I really believe what OSC says, that if you don't suck you can succeed at writing. A good proportion of us feel superior to him, yet he is a successful writer while we sit at our terminals mentally constipated. But we are held back by some inhibiting belief that we do suck. That if we really poured our heart into the great American novel, that people would read it and know the truth about us and that somehow would not be a good thing.
[ October 18, 2004, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: pooka ]
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Okay, well, the cool part is that you've articulated all of those negative messages that you absorbed as a child. That's a great first step. The next thing to do (and for all I know you've done this already, but if so I'd try doing it again if you still find yourself dealing with these issues) would be to actively work on healing from all of that.
Books that I found useful in helping myself with this kind of stuff include Born to Win, and the cheesy but nonetheless helpful Healing the Child Within. I had a real hangup about reading books like this when Christine first broached the subject with me. They seemed embarassing to me in just about every way possible--like an admission of weakness, and filled with new-agey crap, and a symptom of a problem rather than a tool for solving the problem. In one of the books there was an exercise about "filling your love tank" that just completely disgusted me. I believe I threw the book across the room, actually. Nonetheless, I stuck with them, read them, worked through the exercises, journaled, and all that, and I think I came out a better, more healthy person for the experience.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
xnera, I don't know what it is that makes you feel that way ((hug here)) but if you figure it out, let me know, okay? Because it is the same affliction my ex-husband has. He's really an all right guy -- smart and all -- but starts every job off that way and then is either fired/quit/whatever within a short period of time because he gets bored or whatever and starts not showing up, or hating it more and more... etc. That's why he went through countless jobs in our six years of marriage. He just recently had a new job and love it (it seemed) but he's gone from there already. I feel bad for him because he has so much POTENTIAL, but what he describes feeling is very much like what you say.
How much of this do you "externalize?" By that, I mean -- how much are you feeling like "I have no control over this, it is because of [insert whatever job]" and how much of it do you feel like YOU have the ability to change yourself? I'm really asking out of curiousity.
Farmgirl
Posted by Xaposert (Member # 1612) on :
It sounds like perhaps you like change - in which case you should either (A)figure out how to switch things up at your current job, or (B)find a new job where things won't get stagnant. Perhaps you'd prefer something where you go from one project to another, rather than staying at the same tasks.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
The trouble with needing frequent change is that it isn't what most employers look for in a prospective employee. I don't know if changing the current work environment is more feasible. My guess would be that half your boredom arises from the belief that your current work environment can't change. The other half is that the days are getting shorter and your body is turning more of your seratonin into melatonin- by my totally non-professional guess.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
xnera:
Wow....that's horrible.
You can write, we all know that. Your posts are a delight to read and quite clear. Why not go for it? Sometimes dreams are worth sacrificing for...
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
xnera, would tackling Mt. Doom help? I've been kinda wondering if we could work out something semi-reciprocal. I have my own set of decluttering issues. I know you are an introvert so I don't know how often you'd want to do something like that though. I was thinking maybe once a month or maybe twice a month once at each person's place.
What do you think?
AJ
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
Ideas:
rationalize your job is essential because it allows you to live your life outside of work -- i.e. do something fun after work each day so that you feel like your work supports your lifestyle, thus allowing yourself to get through the workday by having something to look forward to.
If you are only doing the bare minimum to get by make a list of tasks to accomplish for the day and reward yourself with an activity or treat when you complete them. Positive reinforcement and hey, who doesn't like a treat?!
Find some way to make your work interesting. Give yourself goals, look for the bigger picture and don't get lost in the monotony.
Do something fun for lunch. This helps break up the day. Go for a walk, meet with a friend, read a book, just get out of the office. It gives you a new perspective for the afternoon.
Good luck! Only you can break the habit.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Tom, I've thought about technical writing. I've even applied for some technical writing positions. The problem is that all of the openings in the Chicago area want you to have at least five years experience. That hasn't stopped me from applying, but I haven't exactly been getting a lot of nibbles from that.
quote: Is there nothing relating to the company you work for that supports your values?
Eh, not really. Well, Mandelbrot worked for IBM, which is pretty darn cool, but otherwise, no. My immediate job involves moving imaginary money about. Sometimes I get a little thrill that I've just created a journal entry for a million dollars, but otherwise, no. I'm still a geek, but I'm much less of a computer geek than I was five years ago, so I can't even get excited about that. And IBM is a very corporate world, and I hate this kind of world. Would rather be in academics, really.
quote:If you are working for a company that funds expeditions to the arctic to harvest baby seal fur, then I guess the answer would be "no".
Well, I'd be aghast at the harvesting of baby seal fur, but expeditions to the artic? COOL!
quote:You are struggling with a belief that doing your job doesn't matter. Does it really not matter?
It matters to someone, but not to me. I want to inspire people, and humor them, and teach them, and leave this world a better place. And all I am doing right now is deleting lines from spreadsheets. Woo, exciting.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I'm the same way, Xnera. All I am doing is bagging groceries. I hate bagging groceries... I need to do something different..............
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
So your current job focuses on tasks instead of people, you are saying....
I guess that is why I love my current job (as help desk)....so much contact with people that make me feel like I have really helped them...
Farmgirl
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Farmgirl, the funny thing is that I don't want to work directly with people. They'd tire me out. But I do want my work to have a positive impact on folks. This is why I loved doing volunteer tech support, and working on my bot. Because I was able to help people via support, and the bot was a huge hit and everyone loved it. So I guess I'm okay with working with data, as long as I feel that it's for some greater good, and not just so that some corporation makes a ton of money.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Have you tried applying to non-profits?
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Hmm Could you try something in Americorps? I did it before and it was a good experience. Not much money, but, it has certain benefits to it....
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
I'm seeing this as being a problem similar to relationship addiction. And if we were talking about a person instead of a job, I don't think as many people would be saying "You just need something sexier."
Jobs aren't people, but there was a time that you felt this job was worth N hours of your day in exchange of X dollars.
Maybe this is some low level form of PTSD where the weather and other factors are making it seem like you are in some job that didn't work out previously. You mentioned that you "get depressed this time of year."
But you are single and no one is dependent on you but you. So I guess if you really want to sow your wild oats job wise, now is as good a time as any.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
"there was a time that you felt this job was worth N hours of your day in exchange of X dollars."
The problem is, at least from my perspective, that this is a really, really crappy reason to work. Because if you don't feel like you have any other options, and aren't doing anything particularly fascinating with your time outside of work, you wind up feeling like you're trading time for money and not really having much need of either from anything but a subsistence perspective. And this does not lend itself to happiness or satisfaction.
That said, Karen, I think you ARE stuck at that job for a while. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep scouring the newspapers looking for other work, because you know you won't be happy doing menial accountancy over the long term. I'd recommend throwing yourself into other pursuits when you're not on the job, in the hopes that this will energize you while working -- and keep you motivated for a larger job search.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
It sounds to me like it would also potentially help - a lot - if you pursued things that energized you in your off-work hours. So, fine, you can't change your work situation immediately. You do need to work to earn money. But your off-work time you have more control over. If you want to write, then write. Just do it. Or whatever it is that energizes you. Find a way. Play. Experiment with different things. See what works for you. And if you can eventually find a way to make those work for you in a financial way, then all the better. But at least start doing it now because it will save your sanity.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
quote:but there was a time that you felt this job was worth N hours of your day in exchange of X dollars.
Not really. I needed a job, because I was running out of money. This one came my way, and so I took it. That's pretty much it, though I do recall thinking that it was a good fit with my skills. But it was very much a necessity thing, and I knew that it was just going to be temporary until I got back on my feet financially. Which is going well, but I am still working on.
I don't think finding another job is the answer. And it's not what I want to do right now. I'm looking not so much to change my environment, but to understand what exactly is going on, and maybe implement some changes in behavior. I'm not convinced that these issues will magically go away if I could find the perfect job. And there's no such thing as the perfect job, anyway. All jobs have elements of boredom in them, and sometimes require hard work. I need to learn to work through the times of boredom, and to do that hard work. This is true whether I am deleting lines from spreadsheets, or writing the Great American Novel.
Jean (that's my therapist) and I have discussed ways to stay more focussed at work. Writing to-do lists help a bit, though sometimes all I get accomplished is writing the list. Last week, I took a guess at how long it would take me to accomplish each task, and then kept track of my time. That was fun, and kept me pretty motivated for a day or two. I also seem to do pretty well when I have a specified deadline to meet. I often wonder if a lot of my issues at work is that I get these requests that don't have any obvious deadline, or whose deadlines are too far in the future, so I put them off because I don't feel any urgency to do them.
Christy, I like the idea of giving myself rewards. It's worked in the past: I used to put a sticker on my to-do list at the end of each day. Meant to find my stickers last night, but I forgot. Maybe I will buy some during lunch.
I also do think that doing fun stuff outside of work is important. The problem here is that I've had no energy lately, so I basically come home and go to sleep. It also doesn't help that one of my extracurricular activities is stressful in itself right now, so I'm not getting much enjoyment from it.
I had over eight hours of sleep last night, and am feeling slightly better today, so we'll see how the day goes.
Posted by edgardu (Member # 242) on :
quote: I don't think finding another job is the answer. And it's not what I want to do right now. I'm looking not so much to change my environment, but to understand what exactly is going on, and maybe implement some changes in behavior. I'm not convinced that these issues will magically go away if I could find the perfect job. And there's no such thing as the perfect job, anyway. All jobs have elements of boredom in them, and sometimes require hard work. I need to learn to work through the times of boredom, and to do that hard work. This is true whether I am deleting lines from spreadsheets, or writing the Great American Novel.
It's good you said this yourself. I wanted to say it and was trying to think of a way not to sound harsh.
One thing that has helped me go through times like these is learning how to detach myself from my work emotionally. I just go to work and do it, without thinking about how it relates to my life. Pretty soon, I find that I'm doing a better job and getting more things done. Then that in turn makes me feel better about myself.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
An update. Copied from my LiveJournal.
------
Bad, bad day. I am getting worse. I am anxious all the time, and not getting anything done at work. It's month end this week - the one week I need to do my job. I can't afford to sit and do nothing. Plus, I just don't like feeling this way.
So, I really need to get my butt down to work.
But more importantly, I need to take care of myself. If I don't, then I will be unable to work. So, first things first: work on getting well again.
Tonight I said a silent prayer and ventured into the bedroom to face Mound Doom, in which I was sure the health care packet was hiding. Luck was with me tonight, as I found it within a minute, yay! It turns out they did NOT send me an ID card because I have not picked a medical group/independent practice association. Well, you didn't tell me I had to! Stupid Blue Cross. Anyway, it looks like I can do that on the Internet, so I will try to do that tonight, so I can get in to see a psychiatrist ASAP.
In the meantime, I'm going to brainstorm up ways to get better without medication. I know that I am able to stop negative thoughts quickly; I've done it before. It's just figuring out how to do it that is the problem.
I think I need to feel good about myself again. I need to feel capable. Oh sure, there's the whole "Act As If" thing, and that can work, sometimes, but I think what would really help is to be successful at something. I have a little saying: Success begets success. It's true. When I have a good evening at home, I end up having a pretty good day at work the next day. So tonight, instead of sleeping like I really want to, I am going to try to be active. I've already made a good first step by finding the health care stuff. I think what I will do is turn on the Classical Relaxation CD, light a candle, and write. It's been so long since I've written longhand in my journal, and I feel the need to fall in love with the physical act of writing again. It's soothed me in the past, and I could certainly use some soothing now.
I'm open to any suggestions on how to stay focussed at work, or how to stop those negative thoughts in their tracks, or any other tips you might have. I need help and support right now.
Oh, and I could also use some laughter, so if you have some funnies, point me in their direction. This is actually by order of my therapist, who encouraged me to laugh and have some fun this week. Laughter is the best medicine, after all.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Enjoy yourself every day. Chill. If you get distracted at work, stop for a few minutes, get your bearings and do it again. And be glad that you do not have my job. For the second time I have had to clean the toilet because of someone who can't aim right... I really, really, really want to quit... I am getting the shaft in that job. *a bit bitter* In fact, I want to take tomorrow off or at least leave early... ^^;;;;;;;;; Yes, it's getting worse...
Posted by Dead_Horse (Member # 3027) on :
A lot of good advice here... you are heading in the right direction.
One suggestion....take that list of things people have said about you or told you to Jean and have her help you write some positive affirmations to replace them. Repeat the new affirmations out loud to yourself every morning and night or more. And don't look at that old nasty list again for at least 6 months or so. By writing them down and looking at them, you are reinforcing others' incorrect assumtions about you in your own mind. Fight back. Don't let someone else tell you who to be. YOU get to choose.
Rain
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
SNAP OUT OF IT!
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Rain, you mean like this? Making the original list was very liberating, but reversing it was even more so.
mack: Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Oh, I had no idea you weren't on meds already. Why is it important to you to not use them? Maybe that's too personal to get into here. I understand the general idea- I have days when I really think I should, but most of the time I feel like meditation, exercise, and eating well are working okay.
I don't really qualify as Seasonal Affective Disorder, because I'm not exclusively depressed in winter. I experience sporadic depression, and moreso in the winter, and that doesn't count according to the pop psych articles I have read.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Xena, I hope things get better for you.
I agree that even the perfect job might not be the solution right here and now. I think it is very important that you realize that, and a good thing that you are aware of it.
The very first thing you should do, IMO, is get a professional opinion...I am NOT a professional, although it have a fairly broad base of knowledge in psychology. There are specific disorders that are best treated by medication, and there are others that can be treated by different methods.....but only a professional can diagnose and treat.
Also, keep in mind that often medication is used initially to gain control of some mood disorders, but they are not always permanent treatments. Sometimes they are essential at the beginning of a course of treatment, and allow you to focus on the underlying problems that cause these issues to reoccur so often.
Best of luck, and I hope everything works out well.
Kwea
Posted by larisse (Member # 2221) on :
hahahahaha....
xnera... you have know idea how very much alike we are. I sometimes wonder if I have a slight case of ADD. My mind bounces from one thing to another to the point of detriment to what I am supposed to be working on. I procrastinate to no end until it is literally crunch time. I like crisis. And yet, I will get so bored or in a rut that I will nervously redo my website or some other project until the nervousness has dissipated. Right now, it is my beading that keeps me busy (should be my writing). I can feel the boredom with it scratching at the back of my brain, but I am trying to overcome it. Instead of lists, which I make often and calm me down, I am sketching out designs. They are horrible sketches because I can't draw worth crap, but they force me to focus on the next task.
Anyways, reading your posts give me hope. Heck... reading Hatrack gives me hope. Guess what I am trying to say is thanks.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I am not against meds at this point in my life. There was a time that I was, but eventually things got bad enough that I was willing to do anything to get better. I was on Prozac last year, but stopped taking it because it eventually became ineffective, plus the side effects were no fun. I do believe that it would be a good idea to get on some proper medication, at least for a little while, or for as long as necessary. Recently, I was taking St. John's Wort, but that seems to not be helping anymore (and is possibly making things *worse*) so I am back to not taking anything, at the moment.
I do get frustrated sometimes because I don't understand how other people can just do their work without any problems. I want to know what their secret is. Why they can just go to work and do their job, and I can't. Is it really my personality that stops me? Or is it brain chemistry? Or is it simply patterns that I have learned, and can I learn to be like them? This is what I want to know.
I don't think I am ADD. I know people who are. I do not "look" like them. I believe that a lot of my issues come from codependency. I believe there are still issues that I need to work through and understand. But I also feel that there *is* some chemical stuff going on right now, which is why I want to get myself to a doctor.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
*hugs xnera* Remembering watching me try to do DDR on the slow level might give you a bit of a chuckle.
AJ
(For the rest of you nosy people, yeah I suck at DDR; Xnera, however, rawks.)
[ October 26, 2004, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
OK, I'll bite....
What is DDR?
Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
Dance Dance Revolution. It's a video/arcade game that you play with your feet.
Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
The life of a professional killer rarely gets dull, unless you're just plain not enthusiastic about it enough.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Ahh...as I aasked I realized that is what it is....there are a few different types of those games in the local arcades, adn some of those people are completely insane!
So, AJ...any pics of you trying to do that ddr? Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
Hey, xnera, I know how you feel about getting bored. Have you thought about doing a job that tends to be unpredictable? Would you perhaps enjoy something like being an EMT? Or maybe you could get yourself hired as a moderator of a very interesting forum. You could try to free-lance for a magazine (one of the popular science-type ones, or computing) and then that might lead to a permanent job. Do something crazy. Apply to be an astronaut! Or you could quit your job, get very, very good at StarCraft or Counter Strike or some other popular computer game and play professionally. Now wouldn't that be fun?
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Eek. I am all full of anxiety this morning, and feel inches away from bursting into tears. I feel like I've already screwed up, and the day hasn't even started! Help?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
(((((xnera))))) Deep breathing sometimes helps me.
Good luck!
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
You know, I actually have a theory that some of my problems with exhaustion and anxiety are caused by the inability to breathe deeply due to excess weight. Don't know if it's true, but it's a thought. This is one reason why I want to lose weight; I know it will help me feel better.
I've made a list of the tasks I need to accomplish today, and will be updating it throughout the day. Some of these tasks will not be completed because they are just THAT complicated, but I want to at least start them.
Dad came over and made a joke. I'm feeling a bit calmer now. Just waiting for the laptop to charge a bit more before I fiddle with it.
I have a feeling I am going to be spammy girl today. Hey, whatever works, right?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
So, how did today go?
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Congrats on the done done done. Say, that reminds me...
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
It went pretty well, I think. I had to ask for help with the laptop, but hey, I learned something new, it got done, and the guy I was doing it for was appreciative of my help.
Then I did some paperwork stuff. Most of that is still in process, but it's a hurry-up-and-wait thing, so I've done as much as I can.
I kinda drifted around lunch time. I knew I had to tackle this huge task, and it was a bit overwhelming, and I didn't know how to really do it. I had tried last week, and ran into problems. About an hour after lunch, I decided to try it again. This time I focussed on the smaller amounts rather than the larger ones. And IT WORKED! The numbers matched! Yay! I figured out about four out of the eleven amounts I was investigating, which is a DEFINITE improvement. So I'm happy.
I've been thinking a bit (when am I not?), and I don't think the problem is that the job is boring. Because even the boring bits (deleting lines from spreadsheets -- ugh) aren't so bad, as long as I am comfortable with what I am doing. It's when I am confused or unsure that I feel "bored" and superglued to my chair. I really do like to be sure of what I am doing. Being unsure leaves me feeling panicky and scared.
Jean and I were discussing this a bit on Friday. One thing she kept pointing out is that I do not like being told what to do. I can kind of see her point, because I definitely get frustrated or angry is someone explains the step-by-step details on how to do something. I feel like they think I am stupid. I'm not sure this is having as great an impact right now as Jean suggests it has, though. It's something I need to be aware of, but right now I don't feel frustrated by people telling me what to do.
We also talked about feeling powerless. At first, I didn't identify with that word, but once we dug deeper, it became apparent that this is really an issue for me. There are incidents in my past where I was left feeling powerless--frustrated, angry, confused, scared--because no matter how hard I tried, whatever I was trying to do simply wasn't working. Or people were not listening to what I was saying, when what I was saying was very important to me. So we're thinking that when I start feeling powerless these days, I shut down because I don't know how to cope with that feeling, or because I have "learned" that I will not be listened to, or that "it won't work out", no matter what I try.
Don't know if any of that makes sense, but that's what's on my mind today. I'm feeling more stable today than I was this weekend, so I think things are starting to improve. I will let you know how tomorrow goes. I have faith that it will be a good day, now that I know I'm on the right track with the deleting of lines from spreadsheets. Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Wow, sounds like today was quite a step forward! That's great!
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
quote: So how have you coped with it Porter?
Mostly I just buckle down and work even though I don't enjoy it anymore. With the good jobs, it turns out to be a mood or phase, and eventually I'll like it again, at least for a while.
But in the end, it's called work for a reason. There's a reason why they have to pay me to do it.
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
Those feelings of being powerless definitely affect me as well. When I get overwhelmed in that way, I find myself retreating into something solitary and mostly mindless, like my stitching or a book, until I can establish some semblance of control over myself.
(by the way, if you're interested in giving it a try, I'd be happy to come teach you how to do cross stitch or hardanger. Your call. I'll warn you up-front, though, it can be frustrating at first until you start to get the hang of it.)
The process of losing weight is also starting to help my overall attitude. I don't know if it's because I'm eating more healthily than I used to and therefore am getting more needed nutrients, or if it's just a general "attagirl" for having dropped 15 pounds so far, or being able to actually see a (small) difference in the mirror. But whatever it is, I'm definitely less stressed than I was a month ago... and that's a good thing.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
xnera, do your moods at jobs correspond with seasons at all? I think some of my depression recently is definitely due to less daylight.
AJ
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Yeah. I mean, the depression has hit at all times of the year, but yeah, the fall and winter are usually hard for me. If I had the money, I would get a lightbox. Honestly, I'm shocked that I've been getting up on time. Normally by this time of the year, I am sleeping through my alarm and constantly running late for work.
Today is just okay. I'm feeling very braindead at the moment, perhaps because I didn't get much sleep last night. I plan on letting myself nap when I get home from work, if that is what my body wants. I've made some progress on the spreadsheet and figured out some numbers, but it's taking forever because I have ten thousand lines to wade through, and there's only so much I can take of it before I start going .
One more hour, and then I'm out of here. yay!
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Have you given any thought on how you plan to lose weight?
-Trevor
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Not really. I don't believe in "dieting". I'm trying to introduce more vegetables and grains into my diet, but it's tough. Much too easy to just go out to lunch. Also, we have a very tiny lunchroom at work, and if I bring my lunch, I will undoubtably end up sitting with my dad. And while I love my dad greatly, I don't want to eat lunch with him, dammit. I want to sit alone, and read a book or write. So I've been going out a lot more just to escape having to sit with anyone. If it was nicer, I'd eat outside. I suppose I could sit at the back of the deli downstairs (it's really big!), but I feel guilty bringing my own food into there.
What I really want to do is start exercising more. This is hard, though, because I am so out of shape that even walking for not-so-long distances has become extremely hard. I can't do DDR at the moment, either, because my ankles hurt too much, and I lack the stamina. I have a bellydance DVD that is very low impact, so I could do that, at least. I'm also thinking of renewing the health club membership so I can go swimming, but I need to figure out if I can get there easily via public transportation, and also would need to acquire a swimsuit that fits.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
Sometimes for my lunch, I just walk around downtown, or outside of the building. If the weather isn't good enough for that, I walk the stairs (up and down) in order to give myself a break from sitting all day, etc. And to get exercise.
Farmgirl
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
You've got the right idea, but think smaller.
Start walking when you get home - around the block for about half an hour each night. Start slowly and don't expect too much from yourself - you're not aiming for distance or speed, just spending 30 minutes walking.
As your body begins to respond, you will start to adjust speed and distance on your own.
The weights nut that I am, I'd suggest trying some 2.5 - 5 pound dumb bells in the store and finding a comfortable weight for you.
You won't turn into the Incredible Hulk and building muscle tone helps the body burn fat.
Walking will help you get the necessary cardio as well as build strength in your legs.
The other reason for trying exercise - the endorphins released may help to offset the depression, but that's not a proven medical fact, just a theory I've heard here and there.
-Trevor
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I do have some small weights at home, and try to do some light weightlifting every now and then.
Don't know if you're aware that I have previously walked a marathon. Logically I can understand that {i]any[/i] walking I do now is good, but emotionally it is extremely frustrating to be unable to walk for twenty minutes without being in all sorts of pain. And we're not even talking strenuous walking -- just a walk to the grocery store and back. It's so hard for me to stick with a walking program right now, because I just get so depressed that I can't walk like I used to. This is why I was thinking of swimming instead. It's better on the joints, I really enjoy it, and I would be less likely to get frustrated.
Posted by Lost Ashes (Member # 6745) on :
At lunch, I usually just take my sandwich and piece of fruit out to my car, turn on some music I like and grab a book to read.
At first, people kind of looked at me funny. What? No McDonald's bag? Now, I see more and more folks taking lunch in their cars...
Don't swear off dieting and decide to just substitute healthier eating. Trust me on this one. Volume can make a difference, too much of a good thing can put the pounds on, too.
The trick is to turn meals into something of a regimine. Breakfast is this, lunch is this, dinner is this. No snacks in between. Eating is about refueling the body, not caving in to whims and cravings, or trying to down as much as possible. And really, we "need" comfort foods much less than we might allow ourselves to think.
Now, if I could just live it like I say it...
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
I think the renewal of the health club membership is a great idea. You keep saying you like swimming and are frustrated with walking--so swimming sounds more good each post. Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
I understand Xnera - I felt that way when I first got back into the weight room after a very long hiatus.
But you may get frustrated with swimming too - that wore me out even faster than walking/jogging on the treadmill.
And I've found most health clubs tend to have fairly crowded pools.
As for the weights - formulate a simple routine and do it first thing in the morning. And when you don't want to, wonder how you might feel now if you'd started this a month ago.
-Trevor
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
Sounds like you are taking some good steps! Congratulations for making a list! And for getting that laptop done.
I was a bit upset when I got a second office mate at work and decided that I needed to move into a glorified closet in order to pump. However, it actually has gone better than expected now that I am bringing a book to read while I am pumping. This makes me feel like I get 15 minute reading breaks and I have been incredibly recharged through an otherwise hellish week. See if you can find some unused or out of the way spot and read or write during lunch and breaks.
I think the health membership and/or swimming is a great idea. However, I second Trevor's caution. Tom and I felt rediculous after our first day at the pool. (We started trying to go regularly two months ago) One lap (there and back) across the pool and we were exhausted! We spent an hour and traded off swimming for fifteen minute intervals and we both were rather sore and tired the next day. I thought much the same as you, though. It is something we both enjoy and so hopefully we'll stick with it and not find it a chore. We have skipped the last two weeks, though, so we need to get back at it, but Sophie and I have been sick.
You can buy a full spectrum lightbulb which doesn't cost anywhere near what those sunlamps cost. I found that helpful the one year I tried it. I think taking a multivitamin and/or a vitamin B complex helps me as well. Most of all GET YOUR REST!!! Keep on a regular sleep schedule! If you are not sleeping, how can you expect to function at work! The biorhythm of a regular schedule does a lot to modify mood changes as well. Seriously, seriously, this helps a LOT.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Checking in!
I feel like things are getting better. Jean commented on Saturday that I started the session by saying something positive rather than negative--I had said that the week ended well. This, I think, is a good sign that my brain is starting to focus less on negatives and what I can't do and more on positives and what I can do.
For months I've been contemplating replaying Final Fantasy VIII. I finally started it on Thursday. I think this was a good mood, as I really love the game and the story. And it feels like a very "me" thing to do. Much better than just sitting around and sleeping. So I think that improved my mood a bit.
Thursday and Friday were also month close at work. That's one of the few times I actually have a deadline on anything, and so I tend to get a lot done. I feel pretty good about my performance this month close. We're showing a negative, but it's the closest to zero that we've been since I've been here, so yay!
I stayed up late on Friday playing FFVIII (The Waltz of the Moon scene! *faints from squee*). Much fun was had.
Slept in a bit on Saturday. I have my session at 1:00. It is perhaps three miles from my house, tops, yet transportation is such that I must leave by 11:30 to guarentee making it on time. I rolled out of bed sometime around ten, and immediately stumbled to my computer. This is what I normally do, but today, it wasn't just for fun. I was working.
I'm a big fan of multiple income streams. I love the idea of doing freelance work to get a little extra cash coming in. The problem is that I keep putting off my efforts out of fear. Jean and I have been trying to work through that.
One of my ideas for an income stream is to set up a Cafe Press store with some of my photography. So I made a promise to Jean to upload one mousepad. I missed the first deadline due to technical difficulties, but hey, I had tried!
Saturday afternoon I napped a bit, and then stayed up late playing more FFVIII.
I had big plans for Sunday. Not only was it Halloween, but it was also T-1 to NaNo! I watched The Blair Witch Project, reread portions of No Plot? No Problem!, washed laundry, and CLEANED MY LIBRARY. That last was especially important, as I wanted to make sure I had a inviting environment for NaNo.
Last night I baked bread, played FFVIII, and wrote 1811 words.
I feel content right now. I feel like I'm doing the things I want, and making some good decisions. There is still much to be worked on, but I feel like I am on my way.
There are still struggles with work. Jean and I discussed the work environment on Saturday. It's actually pretty sterile. I could go a whole day without speaking to anyone. There's no sense of team, or that our contributions are valued and to be celebrated. There's no celebrations of anything. No birthdays, no halloween decorations, not even recognition for a job well done. So it's not surprising that I am feeling lonely and alone at work. However, we both firmly agree that the company and the job are not the real issue, so I'm still not planning on leaving here, though you never know what might happen.
Today I am feeling rather foggy and unwilling to work. I think it's due to dehydration, as well as a good dose of election nerves. The morning wasn't too bad. I ran my outlook query, saw how close we were to zero, and actually became excited that maybe, just maybe, I could get that bottom line how we want it. So I spent part of the day running queries and investigating potential charges to be moved. It didn't work out, but it was good to feel excited about work.
This afternoon, though... blah city. And there is something I dropped the ball on last month that is coming back to bite me now. I had been very confused by a particular request, and instead of asking questions to clarify what needed to be done, I just ignored it. I know that the thing to do here is to just make sure it is done as quickly as possible now, but I can't help feeling bad because I didn't do a good job in the first place. I need to accept that it was just a simple error in judgment and not the end of the world, and just do it, but I'm finding it hard.
Anyway, that's where I am. Not too bad. I will keep you posted. Thanks for the advice and, as always, for listening. Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Okay, I just got the icky scary email sent. I elected not to apologize this time, but just said "here's what could have happened, here is what I suggest we do, let me know if you need any help". So that is done. I have one other email I need to send that is in a similar vein, but I am less worried about that one.
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
quote:Anyway, that's where I am. Not too bad. I will keep you posted. Thanks for the advice and, as always, for listening.
Sounds like it's been a pretty good day, Karen! Keep it up!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote: I feel content right now. I feel like I'm doing the things I want, and making some good decisions. There is still much to be worked on, but I feel like I am on my way.
That's so great! *hug* Bit by bit, which it sounds like is EXACTLY what you're doing. Good luck!
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I went to session on Saturday, looking for answers. I wanted to understand why things were going so well. I wanted to know why I was working. Not just at work, but at home. I wanted to understand it, and capture it, and bottle it so I could drink that elixir whenever I needed it.
We think it's because I had struck a balance. For a while, work was the main thing on my mind. It wasn't that I was taking it home with me, but rather that I was simply so tired when I got home that I went to bed, which means I never had a chance to unwind. I wasn't feeling so tired these days, and so I was watching Netflix DVDs and reading books, and trying to get some exercise, and eating better. And it was working. I felt great!
It all slipped away this weekend, though. This week, I have gone back to being unproductive, both at work and at home. I feel foggy and hazy. The same tasks that I took joy in doing last week now seem like incredible burdens. I have come home from work and searched for something to fill the void, but nothing has, and I go to bed feeling unsatisfied and restless.
And I don't understand what happened. I don't understand what changed within or without me. What started me on the path to wellness, and what stopped me again? I can't pinpoint it, and that's incredibly frustrating to me. Jean seemed to imply that maybe it wasn't necessary to understand it, but it feels necessary to me. I have always wanted to know how I tick. It's an integral part of who I am.
(the next two paragraphs are a rant. I don't think I need any advice on the matter; just getting it off my chest).
So I'm frustrated that I seem to be crashing again. I'm also frustrated because of the darn finances. A combination of a few bad decisions and some unexpected charges hitting my account have left me in a pinch. It's only going to take a few weeks to sort it out, so it's not terribly bad, but still, I am frustrated. I thought about bringing back the books that I bought last week so I have a few extra dollars for bills, and it makes me incredibly upset that I might have to do that. Because those books played an integral part in keeping my moods stable. Seriously. I read Mars #3, and my mind was so incredibly tingled by it. I felt alive. I felt like *me*. And it kills me to think that I might have to give that up just to pay some bills. But at the same time, I feel irresponsible and unadultlike for not paying closer attention to the bills.
I also renewed my health club membership. I did so because I was feeling terrible, and wanted to get back in shape so that I could better take care of myself. Except now I am wishing that I waited to renew, so that I had money for the bills. And again, it makes me angry that I have to choose between my health and the roof over my head.
So anyway. I am trying to pull it back together. I do think that Jean is right, and that having a balance between the various aspects of my life will help. Today I started reading a book during lunch. I will go home tonight and continue reading it, but first I need to sit down with the finances. I know I will feel good about myself for taking care of the issue instead of letting it fester. Oh, and I'm wearing my WWVD? bracelet today, which makes me smile.
Um, that's about it, I guess. I will keep you posted. Writing here has been helpful, if only to have a record of my progress.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
xnera, while I understand that it is fun to have books that are "your own" and I'm all for book ownership, would just going to the library be an option? I mean you can keep the books for a couple weeks and use them for your relaxation. And best of all, it's still free.
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
(You know I actually have more fun browsing at a library than I do at a bookstore. I think it is because at a bookstore I always have a nagging guilt about possibly spending money on myself, that doesn't happen at a library.)
AJ
[ November 18, 2004, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
xnera: Ever feel more productive during new and full moons?
Cause, you know, if you don't, then I don't either.
I mean, I've never heard of anything so ridiculous.
>_>
Posted by Sara Sasse (Member # 6804) on :
Hey, xnera, you've inspired me to go back into counselling. I have my first session tomorrow.
Like you, I think I'll be focusing on balance and figuring out why I behave the way I do. Hard stuff.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
*plays with bracelet* You know, it is likely unprofessional to wear a Slytherin-green plastic "What Would Voldemort Do?" bracelet to a corporate setting, but I really, really love it. I think I will wear it tomorrow, too.
quote:xnera, while I understand that it is fun to have books that are "your own" and I'm all for book ownership, would just going to the library be an option?
One of the books I read last week was bought in the library's ongoing book sale for a quarter. The reason I haven't been doing the library thing is that I have fines on my account, and I don't know how much they are. I need to find that out and pay them off so I can get books out again. My therapist's office is right next to the library, and I usually stop there anyway to kill the time as the bus drops me off a good twenty minutes early. So yeah, the library would take care of part of my reading list, at least. I don't think they carry any manga yet, which is my current love.
quote:Hey, xnera, you've inspired me to go back into counselling. I have my first session tomorrow.
!!!! Sara! I'm so happy to hear this. Not because I think you need counseling but because I have always wanted to be an inspiration to others, so hearing that I inspired someone puts a big smile on my face. Thank you! Much strength to you, and I hope you find a good match. I'm lucky in that my current therapist is a pretty good fit and isn't costing me anything.
[ November 18, 2004, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: xnera ]
Posted by Lost Ashes (Member # 6745) on :
Why is everything feeling better and you are working, both at work and at home?
Sounds like you are spending a lot of time being the person you want to be. Just keep rolling along! Posted by Sara Sasse (Member # 6804) on :
You certainly were an inspiration to me.
I kept thinking about you questioning why this was an ongoing problem for you, how you kept pushing to figure it out and finally understand, despite feeling down and tired. You still had the guts to do the hard work.
And then, when I finally came to acknowledge (again, dagnabbit, again all over again) some of my own repeated problematic patterns, well -- I reminded myself that you did it, and that I wanted to be like you, and so I did it. I made the call.
Thank you, Karen.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I hate money, I hate money, I hate money, I hate money, I hate money. I have a headache from trying to map out a payment schedule for myself. I've got something that will work, but it means things are going to get paid off later rather than sooner, and I don't like that one bit because I WANT IT ALL PAID OFF NOW! so I can go back to having a normal life without all this financial stress.
Where's the freaking Tylenol?
(this is a rant. Hugs = okay; advice = head bitten off)
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
((xnera)) -I can take a hint despite my engineeringness AJ
Posted by Stray (Member # 4056) on :
I hate it too...I feel like I'm chained to a hamster wheel sometimes. I run on it for X hours, and am given Y dollars. I trade the dollars for an indoor place to sleep and food to eat, so I can have the energy to run on the wheel some more, to get some more dollars...*sigh*
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
AJ: You do give good advice, and I appreciate it. But there are times that advice is wanted and needed, and there are times it is not necessary. I don't think I need advice now because I know what I need to do. I just don't like what I need to do.
Once I get caught up, I will be fine. I can live comfortable on the salary I am making. It's the getting caught up that is the thing. I can make it work, but it means scrimping, which is hard for me to do because I my brain often has a disconnection with the reality of the financial situation. I see money in the bank, and I think I can spend it, which of course isn't the case. *sighs* So it's something I really struggle with, and I haven't quite learned to break the bad habits yet.
I thought I could get caught up by mid-january. It looks like it will be the end of march instead.
But let's look on the bright side of things. I am actually sitting down and dealing with all of this stuff, instead of ignoring it for months and months, like I used to. Giant progress, there. Go me!
[ November 19, 2004, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: xnera ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
*hugs* March isn't that far away. It's actually a lot quicker than I would have expected. We can help you count down...
Have you factored in a possible tax return? I'm sure you'll be getting a refund since you weren't employed for the entire year. And you can file early, like February and have your return in a couple of weeks.
*ack, sorry, I crossed the line...but the early tax refund idea just struck me*
((xnera))
AJ
[ November 19, 2004, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Actually, I factored in a payment for taxes. I have had to pay the last two years because of getting money from retirement funds, or not working enough to cover the taxes on the unemployment money, etc. I don't expect to pay much this year, if any, but I estimated on the higher side just in case. It would be great if I got a refund this year. I expect to do my taxes as soon as I receive all the necessary paperwork.
Yeah, March isn't that bad, considering that I was unmployed for twelve months of the last twenty-five. But it's still later than I expected. Plus, I was hoping to buy myself a PS2 for Christmas. Earlier this week I resigned myself to making it a Valentine's gift, but now it looks like it will be Easter before I can get one. I suppose it's just as well, since I have plenty of games I can play on my PSX until I get the PS2, but I've been wanting one for over two years now, and I've gotten very impatient. *grins*
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Stupid tax code. *kicks IRS*
You still get a free Gameworks trip you know, so maybe you can save that for when you really want a fix
AJ
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
*stabs IRS*
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
((Karen)) I've been feeling not myself as well. Hope you can find your high again. I've been really proud to see how well you've picked yourself up and done the hard things that needed doing, too. I'm sure you can keep up the good work!
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I GOT A RAISE I GOT A RAISE I GOT A RAISE I GOT A RAISE!!!
*dances*
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
WOOHOO!
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
congrats
Posted by rubble (Member # 6454) on :
Congrats!!
Don't forget though, it was less than a week ago that you said
quote:I hate money, I hate money, I hate money, I hate money, I hate money.
I'm so glad things are working out for you.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Yay yay yay!
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
Congratulations!!
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Warning: this is a venting session.
So this guy Santi left the company, and this guy Brett was supposed to take his position, but Brett decided that it didn't fit in with his career goals, so he quit just days before he was supposed to transfer over, leaving the supervisors up a creek without a paddle, and so they chose me instead.
This is a good thing, because the job has a lot more responsibility, so it shows that they trust me and like my work.
This is also a bad thing. Supervisor I like admitted that I was probably transferred to a new position ahead of schedule. Also, as Santi left the company BEFORE I was transferred over, there is no one to train me. Everyone at my company does similar work, but their individual positions are very specific to the people they are supporting. All that I have are some poorly written job procedures that haven't been updated in about two years.
Supervisor is very, very supportive. He knew the transition would be difficult. He knew it would take me time to learn it all. He also knew that Santi struggled with getting some of the reports done on time, because they are just that complicated.
I've been working on the same gorram spreadsheet for two weeks now, and it's STILL not done. They wanted it a week and a half ago, but really needed it Thursday.
I didn't work a single minute of overtime in my first seven months on the job. I have averaged three hours of overtime a week since transferring over to this position.
This isn't what I wanted. I may have been bored at my old position, but I knew it. I was comfortable in it. I could go to work, do my job, and come home, and not think about it too much.
I've been dreaming of spreadsheets for a week now.
I know this is just a transition period. I know that once I learn everything, it will be just fine. Oh sure, it's still going to be busy and hectic, unlike my last job, but there shouldn't be the hours of overtime, and it won't take me a week to do one spreadsheet. I know I just have to stick this out and get through this.
But right now, what I really need is Terms of Endearment at two in the morning. I need a good cry, dammit.
I've been so busy with work that I haven't had time for anything else. I have no clue what's going on here at Hatrack, or on my LiveJournal friends list. I am behind on correspondence and on paying bills, and my house is a mess. I'm slowly correcting those things. Yesterday I cleaned by fridge out, which it sorely needed because it was stinky. Go me!
[the following paragraph may get erased for paranoia reasons] I'm involved in this collaborative storytelling thingy, and we have a huge plot coming up, and I just don't have the mental energy for it. I have no enthusiasm for it right now. Not the plot itself--I love the plot. I just don't want to be the one who has to do it. I already asked someone to pinch hit for me, but I'm not happy about having to do that, either. I'm supposed to sit in a meeting for it in forty-five minutes, but all I want to do is curl up back on the couch and read more Stephanie Plum novels, or spend time leveling up on the Island Closest to Heaven. I don't want to deal with anyone else right now, or have to think of obligations, or do ANYTHING that takes energy, whether it be mental or physical. Just want to withdraw into myself.
Mostly, I don't want to go to work tomorrow and face that gorram spreadsheet again.
I know this is just a moment in time that I have to get through, but how do I get through it without destroying everything else in the process?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Wow. That sounds incredibly overwhelming. I wish I had some advice . . . but I can offer sympathy and hugs. (((((xnera)))))
I hope it gets easier quickly!
Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
Hi xnera (It's formerly pooka). I'm so glad for the update. Hatrack: Well, as far as I know, I came back just after Christmas (all that true meaning of Christmas/make amends stuff got to me) and then the T_Smack wedding happened, and then Icarus was very nearly on who wants to be a Millionaire and AK left. Annie got a cool job doing PR for a studio that specializes in Native American Art. Hobbes needs a suit. I am attempting to leave the ranks of Stay at home Moms and enter the ranks of working moms. And I still haven't completed my step four. But I did complete my nano, though not in as spectacular a nail-biting fashion as Annie. Celia is crazy busy and Noemon got busted for posting from work, so they are more scarce. CT/Sara/CT is attempting to moderate her hours. Ralphie was around quite a bit for a while, though I haven't seen her as much this past week. Mayday and Bernard just celebrated their 2 year anniversary of dating. When Jon Boy and Brinestone went out of town, Galacticcactus got so slow that Pat even posted here a couple of times. But we are having muppet mafia over there. Doesn't sound like you'll have the free time, but we need a Beaker. And that is my admittedly subjective take on what's been up at Hatrack. I started using my pooka50 ID at livejournal again and using my other one just for writerly stuff. I mark an awful lot of my entries "private".
I can't imagine a spreadsheet that takes 1.5 weeks. I'm in awe.
P.S. I checked your recent posts and you have been around more than I thought Oh well, I'll just leave it.
[ February 06, 2005, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: mothertree ]
Posted by fugu13 (Member # 2859) on :
Sounds like a spreadsheet getting used where a database might be more appropriate.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I told my therapist yesterday that I don't know what I want right now. I don't. I don't know what it is I want from anyone. I tried venting a few times in my journal this week and got all depressed because no one responded. But then I feel like if any of the people I usually chat with give me a *hug* I will bite their head off. So I don't know what I want or need from my friends right now.
Acknowledgement, yeah. Sympathy, not really. I know I don't want any more demands placed on me. I think what I really want is to relax and have fun and LAUGH. Jean asked me if I was getting depressed about Valentine's coming up, and I am a bit, but it;s not because I am single but because I don't have a really good friend right now. I have friends I like and get along with, but I don't have anyone to laugh like mad with, or who I can call up and cry with. I really miss that right now.
I am having a minor panic attack because I am supposed to be in a chat room talking about this story I am involved with and I don't want to do it because it's just another demand I don't have energy for. And everyone involved story is always laughing together and I am never a part of it because I think their humor is childish and immature. I really need to find more like-minded people. This is why I am going to rejoin Mensa in March, when they have their membership drive. Mom said I can borrow her car to go to the monthly meetings.
But yeah, I could either use a really good cry right now, or a really good laugh.
Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
Maybe we can start a new 12 step group, Quirky Underachieving Introverted Intellectuals Anonymous. QUIIA.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
quote:Sounds like a spreadsheet getting used where a database might be more appropriate.
It uses data from a database and puts it in a nice format for them. But yeah, this one tab they use that OMG LIKE AFFECTS EVERY OTHER TAB OMG is formatted in such a stupid way. It's tracking headcount, and we end up with multiple lines for each person because they move departments or leave the sector or what not. And then I end up updating the wrong line and it gets to be such a mess and there's GOT to be a better way of doing this. The rest of the spreadsheet is actually quite well done, but the Detail tab is a nightmare.
Posted by fugu13 (Member # 2859) on :
Yeah, sounds like there's definitely a better way to do it.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I was thinking at the very least I'd write some VBA script to automate most of the process so there was less chance of typoes.
But that's for the future. Tomorrow, I just want to finish the frelling thing. And then I get to move on and do the rest of the spreadsheets that are overdue because they require data from this one. Woo. Am so far behind.
Supervisor really is very supportive, though. I worry a bit about the people I am actually doing the work for being upset, but honestly, they would likely be in the same boat if they had just hired someone off the street. This stuff is NOT easy.
Good news is that it really should get easier next month. A lot of the issues this time around had to do with getting it prepared for the new year--of which there were no procedures for. Good thing I'm so intuitive and able to figure things out on my own.
Also, sup-I-like is already talking to sup-nobody-likes about getting me more money. Yay!
And I am venting all over the place now. But it's either this or go crazy. This is helping--I'm not curled up in a tight little ball anymore, though I still feel very frazzled.
Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
That reminds me of that cartoon about the kitten that adopts the bulldog and then he hides it in the flour bin and the housewife makes cookies. I don't know why.
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
Xnera, I know you're not up to human interaction at the moment, but when things settle down a bit and you feel up to it, would you like to try and coordinate lunch downtown? Get both of us out of our offices and into the fresh air for a bit, even if it means brownbagging and parking our butts at Millenium or something?
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
"It uses data from a database and puts it in a nice format for them."
Bah. A proper query is what's needed here, not a spreadsheet.
Posted by fugu13 (Member # 2859) on :
Sounds like a large number of queries, but yes .
A large number of queries combined with some judicious XSLT stylesheets and then either excel or PDF serialization.
*sigh* people should just use cocoon more.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
The google ad below is for gay alcoholics anonymous.
(((xnera)))
I understand of not being around like minded people. And there is something to be said for friends you can hang out with and do things with in person, sometimes online contact, great as the people are, is not enough.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I'm just getting ads for AA.
I will attempt to influence Google ads by posting fluffy keywords!
In other news, I think I FINALLY got the spreadsheet to balance out, so I am feeling better now. I was very tired when I came into work this morning, though; it was hard to get started.
The benefit to being so busy at work, though, is the day goes extremely fast. I can't believe it's lunch time already.
Also, the new team leader is a real peach. So very friendly. I love her. She's new, too--came on board when I did. Frankly, I don't think I'd be holding up as well if I still was dealing with the old team lead. I knew her a bit and she always struck me as a tough cookie who wasn't very approachable.
Goody, I'd love to get together sometimes for lunch. I'll let you know when I'm available. Right now I'm still too busy to say if I will have time this week.
Today is PB&J, rootbeer, and Janet Evanovich. Yay!
(bunnies, bunnies, it must be bunnies!)
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
silver white packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things.... *grin*
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
rotfl. I clicked on the "Gay AA" ad below and the link was just an informational site on AA having nothing to do with gayness.
Puppies fuzzy puppies, lots of puppies, healthy doberman pinschers (though with my luck it will go to a puppy mill)
AJ
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
xnera, I don't know what to say. I hope it gets better soon.
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
Still the ads which will not be named in case they're overpowering the bunnies unicorns chickies kittens puppies horsies peeps
And as for lunch, anytime you're ready. I'm at Mich & Wacker, so even if you only get an hour's notice....
[ February 08, 2005, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: Goody Scrivener ]
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Perhaps I need to start talking about Mormon Singles. Or, let's see, what was the other one? Biker attire?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Perhaps Mormon singles in biker attire?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Ooops. Forgot to say . . . bunnies!
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I gmailed your number to myself, so you can delete that now, Goody.
And omg, there really is an ad for that thing that people said there was an ad for. I was thinking there were two different ads, but nope, just one. How odd. But it's still not ads about fluffy bunnies and cuddly kitties and cute puppy dogs that are so unbalanced on their oversized paws they go crashing into the wall when they run because they can't quite put the breaks on.
I am mood swinging these days, which should pass in a few days, but it is still not fun to go from bouncing with squee to feeling overcome with stress in a few minutes.
Today I thought of two things.
First: this spreadsheet feels like those bosses that keep coming back in the Final Fantasy series. You know, the ones that when you see them you scream out "HAVEN'T I KILLED YOU THREE TIMES ALREADY?" It's the spreadsheet that refuses to die! And since all bosses have a name, I decided the spreadsheet should have one, too. So I named it Seymour, because just like Seymour in FFX, it started out all sexy and alluring with its slick pivot tables and shiny graphs, but eventually became ugly and rather creepifyin'.
I am proud to report that Seymour (the spreadsheet, not the FFX character) finally went down at 11:34 this morning. Woohoo!
I also thought that while things may be tough right now, I am, for the most part, doing well. There were times when a situation like this would have me wishing to be elsewhere. I'd want to quit my job and find something better, or I'd completely shut down and find myself unable to work. That's not happening here. I'm tired, but I'm doing what needs to be done, and I don't feel like fleeing (though I do have a bit of a cocooning urge right now). I find myself wanting to STAY in this job, which is not something I'm used to feeling. And I think it's because I know for a fact that this tough period is only temporary. Give me a few months, and I'll have it all down and I won't have to work overtime to get everything done. That's not something I could say about past jobs--because with past jobs, I never knew what was coming down the line. I could keep imagining that it would get worse and worse as bigger and bigger things were demanded of me until it became too much and I couldn't do it.
It's weird, because I always though I was someone who wanted flexibility. I do still like the idea of having more flexible working hours, but to my surprise, I find myself really enjoying the scheduled, orderly nature of my current job. It really is just a bunch of reports that are due at various times during the month. And maybe that's what I really need right now, especially since my life has been so topsy-turvy over the last few years.
So yeah, I'm a bit stressed out and tired at the moment, but underneath it all I feel pretty good. Just, sometimes I need to vent. But then we all do sometimes.
[ February 07, 2005, 11:07 PM: Message edited by: xnera ]
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
You're doin' good. Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
What mack said.
Seymour?!? Whatever you do, don't feed its friend! Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
i'm goin to see that live in April!!! Can't wait to see how they do Audrey on stage.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Today I am battling another spreadsheet which I have lovingly named Yunalesca. Yunalesca is impossible to beat--until you learn her trick, and then she's merely very, very tough.
Yunalesca is due at 2 p.m. EST today, so I got started as soon as I walked in this morning. Opened the template, connected to Essbase, attempted to retrieve data--and got errors.
So I check out the help site and see it's a normal error, and to "try again later". I know they're doing lots of calcs on the Essbase cube today, so I wait ten minutes and try again. This time I do not get any errors. It acts like it is retreiving data, because there's the computer on the pipeline image, but I just get zeroes.
WTF?
So I try loading the 2004 data just to prove I can get some data, which I can. A few more tries at the 2005 data, and nada. I then call the help desk, and am informed that the data I am looking for hasn't been loaded yet, and I can't beat Yunalesca without it.
So now I get to inform my team leader that this report is likely to be late for the second month in a row. At least it's because of circumstances beyond my control--again.
In the meantime, I am working on the travel report for this month. Now, last year my company switched their ledger data over to a new database schema (they're still using DB2 tables, but the table layout is a bit new). That was back in 1Q, but the old tables remained available for use throughout the end of the year. Everyone was supposed to translate their queries to pull from the new tables, which they had over a year to do. You would think that the guy I replaced would have translated his queries at some time. Nope.
The old tables were sunset at the end of January. So I get to waste my time translating some queries now for a report that is wanted Real Soon Now. And I'm supposed to do this and about five other reports that are past due because their queries aren't working correctly because the frelling procedures haven't been updated in a year.
If you hear some insane laughter coming from the direction of downtown Chicago, that'd be me. Talk about a comedy of errors. *laughs*
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE HAD IT WITH REPORTS NOT WORKING CORRECTLY!!!!!!!!!!!
NONE OF THEM HAVE GONE RIGHT. NONE OF THEM!
They are complaining my travel report has duplicate lines in it. WTF, man. I followed the directions EXACTLY, and it's really just a bunch of copying and pasting from one report to another. And no, I didn't hit paste twice or anything.
Now I don't know what to do with this. Besides say "Um? I don't know why it's doing that, since I just followed procedures." I'm just so bloody sick of this (and yes, I am pretending to be British, because the swear fits my mood).
I just want something to work correctly, already.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Karen, I don't understand the workflow here. Are you just massaging data -- taken from a backend database -- and moving it from one spreadsheet to another?
If so, why aren't you using scripts to do this? It seems to me that everything you've described so far could be completely automated in order to take less time and introduce less potential error.
[ February 10, 2005, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Yeah, a lot of the work involves retrieving data from various databases (DB2, Essbase, Brio, some other web-based DB that I'm not sure what it is) and manipulating it into the format they want. And yeah, a lot of it could be automated. We had this really slick spreadsheet to do miscodes (basically, a travel expense that was entered into the system incorrectly) in my old position. There was still a fair amount of copying and pasting involved, but it would match data and find the actual miscodes for you. This new position does miscodes in a completely different way, and I don't like or trust it.
If I had the time, I would be writing macros and VBA to automate a lot of this stuff. But I don't have the time right now, because I've got to get these reports finished before I can work on making them better. And it's impossible to get these reports to work, because the queries are all outdated and the table structures have changed, or the procedures just don't explain how to do a step. These are some VERY involved spreadsheets I have here, and even the most intuitive person is bound to make mistakes if the procedures don't say what the heck the report is used for or what the final result should look like. Which none of them do - they just say how to do it, and even then they leave much to be desired.
I emailed my onsite supervisor asking for help. At this point I simply am too far behind, and I need someone to either work out a few queries for me, or handle some other things while I work on the queries.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I'm in trouble at work. I don't know how much, but I know they are not happy with how things have been going. (I knew this internally, but I overheard my supervisor talking on the phone, and I gather that there will be a meeting something soon to discuss stuff.)
I can't go through this again. I just can't. I don't know what to do.
I know what my two biggest issues are right now--not starting tasks early enough, and not staying focussed. I also feel like I've been working slowly, but I don't know if that's really true or if this stuff simply takes that long to do.
The workload difference between this position and my previous one is staggering. I know that's not helping issues. But really, it's the same old stuff that always gets me in trouble. Not allowing enough time for projects. Not staying focussed on the work. Letting my emotions get the best of me so that I *can't* focus.
How do I fix these things? Because right now I despair that I will never be an adequate employee.
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Okay, I've given this some thought (and oh, how much do I love that I actually THINK about these things instead of just react emotionally to them?).
I have two choices: I can correct the issues so that they are no longer a problem, or I can seek employment elsewhere.
Well, actually, there's a third choice--I could fall apart emotionally and not fix anything and end up being fired, but gosh, I've done that twice already, and frankly I'm rather bored with it.
Ideally, I would like to solve the issues. These have been ongoing problems I've been having, and jumping to another job won't make them go away. Plus, I don't hate my job. Just today I was feeling rather happy while at work. I don't dread going to the office. I don't hate my coworkers. The work itself can be boring or frustrating, but it can also be fun, especially when I have an epiphany about how to solve a problem with a spreadsheet (like the one I had tonight as I was entering the house, which actually made me wish I was back at the office so I could test it and see if it works and FINISH THIS FRELLING THING ALREADY!). Plus, I like my cubicle, and you can't beat the downtown location.
Yeah, this job has some strikes against it, but I'd say the positives far outweight the negatives, so staying is in my best interests.
I have to update my resume anyway because we're switching consulting firms, so I think I might start looking around to see what's out there, just in case. Besides, I might find something more interesting, or that fits me better. It's also a nice backup plan in case things are worse than I think at work.
I have a question for you all: how many of you care about your work? I sometimes wonder if half my issues are caused by my natural inclination to put my emotional needs before anything else. Sometimes it feels more "important" to check my friends page or write a LiveJournal entry than it does to complete a spreadsheet. Maybe this is because the entire team I support is remote... but maybe not. Because I don't recall really caring about work in recent years. I cared about the computer lab when I first joined the staff, but towards the end of my time there I let the emotional needs of myself and others get in the way.
Maybe it's not that I don't care about the job, but that I have a hard time keeping emotions seperate. I'm much better at it now, but I still need some practice. There was a lot of tension in my personal life this past weekend, and I basically lost two days of work to it, which upsets me because if I had just distanced myself from it all for eight hours, I might have had this latest spreadsheet done already. So first thing to practice: not letting emotions overtake me.
Second thing to practice: starting jobs earlier. I have a horrible tendency to underestimate how long it will take to complete something, which means I am constantly rushing to meet deadlines and then missing them. I learned with time to double (or even triple) the travel times that Yahoo! Maps would report to me; I think I need to start doubling my estimates of how long it will take me to complete a task.
Third thing to practice--and this is stolen from Bob Scopatz, who is very wise--Enjoy it all immensely. I often procrastinate because I imagine the task ahead will be boring or frustrating, so I think a little reframing would be helpful. Most things are not COMPLETELY boring or frustrating, so if I try to focus on the good stuff about what I'm doing, maybe I will resist it less. Heck, just today I gratefully and happily spent an hour copying and pasting rows of data, which is not something I normally like, but I enjoyed it today because nothing else I was doing was working, and I just needed to complete SOMETHING to feel like I was making progress. It felt good to just work on it, even if it was mindless, because I could see the progress, and soon it was done.
Fourth thing to practice: status reports. I am not good at these, because I often feel like they're excuses and worry that I will come across as being weak or dumb when I admit that a task isn't complete yet. I remind myself now that honesty is always good. Also, to put some logic on it, writing a status report will show that I am making progress, because for all they know I could be not working on it at all, when I actually am (well, most of the time, anyway) and have merely ran into issues.
Fifth thing to practice: asking for help. There are still things I am unclear on about my new procedures, and I need to ask about them. It's also possible that if I say "Hey, I can't figure this out", that somebody WILL have the answer and can help me, rather than just struggling through it all on my own. I often do figure things out, but I could save myself some time if I asked for help sooner.
This is long already, but I have more to add. I need to tell my therapist what I need from her. I like her, but I feel like I go in every week and just spew the surface issues and she says something that makes me feel better. Truthfully, that's not what I want. I'm not going there to feel better about myself; I'm going there to resolve issues and continue growing. I feel like we're not working enough, or that she is not understanding what I'm trying to say. I need to talk to her about this so that the sessions can become more beneficial.
Finally...although I'm not really looking for another job right now, I would like to ponder what kind of job I might decide to move into. Right now I'm doing finance, which isn't so bad. I like working with Excel and producing really slick-looking reports, and I could see myself staying in something similar. But I'm also considering going back into a technical field. A friend of mine thinks I could get hired to do web programming, since I've been playing with Perl for almost a year now, and have used it to interface with AIM, MySQL, LiveJournal, and FTP. I've also used it to generate HTML. So I do have some experience with it, but I worry that it's not enough. I can write some neat code and get it to do what I want, but I'm slow sometimes because I just haven't had enough practice with it. Frankly, if I were looking to hire a Perl programmer, I would want someone with more experience than me. It's too bad I couldn't do an internship, because that would be ideal, I think.
Otherwise... well, I'm just not sure what else I would like to do. There's still the dream of writing or editing, but I'm not ready to do that, I think. Though it's something to consider. Maybe general tech support, but this doesn't interest me very much these days. Thoughts?
Okay, I've written enough, I think. Thanks for listening.
[ March 03, 2005, 10:22 PM: Message edited by: xnera ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Very well thought out. Detailed and reasonable plan. *applauds*
Good luck! Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
I think this is a good plan.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I'll be brutally honest with you, since this isn't the first time you've asked this kind of question and, as a potential employer, I might be able to give you an angle on this: your skillset is a mess.
From what you've told us so far on various threads, you're a pretty decent -- but not masterful -- Excel user. Many of the things you've mentioned doing in Excel could and should be automated in better ways; I would find myself also incapable of doing your job simply because it sounds like so much of it could be replaced by macros or data integration. This is not abnormal in large corporations -- I know many, many people at many, many companies who basically spend their day massaging spreadsheets in inefficient ways -- but it's not good for long-term professional growth; it's a dead end.
You dabble in coding and web design, and have an interest in both. Six years ago, this would have guaranteed you an office job somewhere. Unfortunately, this is no longer a possibility.
You are personable and enjoy interaction, but are a bit insecure and worry constantly about failure and other people's opinions of you. You also have some trouble prioritizing. This makes administrative assistant/project manager work unlikely.
So where do you go from here? One possibility, of course, is learning more about web design and making the leap to a company that's hiring. Unfortunately, to my knowledge, most companies nowadays are not hiring inexperienced webmasters; if they let a webmaster go, they either hire someone with more experience (having been dissatisfied with the previous employee over the long run, or having discovered that they need someone with a more professional skillset) or outsource.
The second possibility, then, is outsourcing. Either try freelancing or offering your services to a consulting firm. There's still money to be made doing this kind of thing, although again it's a little late in the game unless you're able to offer something unique. I went this route myself for years until the local market dried up and I got married, which necessitated a move to a more stable career.
The third possibility, and the one I think I'd recommend to you based on what you've described so far, is that you train to become a database administrator on Oracle or MSSQL. You like spreadsheets, you'd benefit from scripting and automation, and you like working with people on your own terms. A MCDBA would go a long way, and isn't that expensive or time-consuming if you've got a basic understanding of data structures already.
The fourth possibility is that you work to impress your bosses in your current position, thus making it possible to achieve promotion to a more viable long-term position within the company. IMO, the best way for you to do this would be to become an Excel guru -- and I don't mean just mastering functions and ODBC calls. (The danger here is that you're going to have to start bringing suggestions for process improvements to people to get noticed, and that could rankle feathers if there's a long chain of command that's determined the process in the first place. You're better off establishing that you can do the work smoothly and quickly before trying to change things, unless you honestly think that you can't work smoothly and quickly until things are changed.) If you go this route, I would suggest taking your supervisor to lunch, playing politics, and saying things like, "Hey, I'm always looking for ways to improve on the job. I've been here long enough now: is there anything you'd like me to change or do differently? What am I doing right, and what would you like to see happen?" You want to move when you employ a strategy like this; you need to grab at things and claw at them and, above all, act like there are places you have to be. Once you start doing this, for better or worse, you will be a target (unless you luck out and can find a sympathetic person above you who's willing to protect you and work as a "mentor;") you need to be a moving target.
[ March 04, 2005, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
Thanks Tom. That was very helpful.
You're absolutely right that my skill set is a mess, which is why I'm having such difficulty deciding which path to take. There doesn't feel like there's any clear answer.
You know, I've never been interested in having a career, or getting promotions, or climbing the coporate ladder. I've always just wanted a job--something that will pay the bills and give me enough leftover to buy books, and maybe hire a maid (I will never be a good housekeeper). But maybe it's time to think long-term and actually work towards a career. This still doesn't excite me at all, but it sounds like the smart thing to do.
I could never be at admin assistant. I'd be horrible at it. And I also don't think this is the right time to attempt web stuff, given my lack of experience. By now, there's LOTS of people who are into web design, and they're much better at it than I am. I think I will keep it a hobby.
I hear there's room for advancement at my current job. And I don't think they would be opposed to changes in procedures or workflow. They just updated one of the spreadsheets I do to have yet additional metrics for tracking hours. And a coworker of mine is on a team that is working to automate the journaling process. So automation, macros, and better workflow would be welcome, I feel. I don't know if this would really improve my chances of advacement, but it might help.
I also think the MCDBA is worth a look, though to be honest the thought of studying doesn't excite me. But I've really enjoyed playing with my MySQL database, so maybe it wouldn't be too bad. Would you know if the MCDBA is something you need a lot of hands-on practice for? I don't know if I have the capabilities to practice for it at home.
Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
I don't really have much in the way of salient advice, but I have really been enjoying having a livejournal, which you got me into.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
"Would you know if the MCDBA is something you need a lot of hands-on practice for?"
Sadly, yes. Without going through a training course, it'd probably require around four years of SQL administration experience. There's also a basic server networking requirement, which you won't pass without some experience or training.
That said, a MCDBA boot camp might be a good investment.
[ March 04, 2005, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
I haven't updated this in a while, so here is an update!
I nearly lost my job. But it was due to budget cuts, not anything I did. Luckily, I was able to get a position in another division the same day I found out for sure that my job was being cut.
This new position's a LOT easier. I also get to do some training here, which is fun! I like teaching people stuff. The work can be boring, but you know? I don't care. I have a job. I almost didn't. I'll do boring stuff or stupid reports as long as I can keep getting a paycheck.
The finances are getting a lot better! I'm caught up in my mortgage and many other things. I'm now starting to save money, which is a great feeling. It's because I started saving money that the AC breaking didn't throw me into a panic, because I had the money to cover it. I had to watch my spending for a few days, but I handled it just fine. I can't tell you how good that feels. My current goal is to save three months living expenses, and then start saving up for a car.
I'm going on vacation later this month! Going to Detroit to see the Dear Friends: Music for Final Fantasy concert. I'm very excited. I'm a bit nervous about traveling on my own so I'm not sure how long I'll stay, but I'm sure I'll have a good time, even if I just go up there for the concert and come right back the next day.
Probably the BEST thing, though, is that I finally have an answer for some of the health issues I've been having. I went to the doctor last month about the rash on my legs, and also complained about other stuff: feeling dehydrated all the time but never being thirsty, gaining weight, feeling depressed, etc. We did a blood test, and it told us what I long suspected: I'm hypothyroid, and have slightly elevated cholesterol. I've been on a low dose of Synthroid for a month now, and it's already made a HUGE difference. The skin on my legs thickened and is healing faster than it was before. I'm no longer as dehydrated as I was. I actually get thirsty sometimes now! I can stomach drinking water (before, I had to force myself to do it). My hair is starting to feel silky again, instead of brittle and dry. I have more energy, and I've lost a little weight. It's like a miracle!
There's still things we need to fix. I'm also taking Zoloft for depression, but it's not helping very much. I'm going to try it a little longer and see if it's just taking a while to kick in. I already have a followup appointment scheduled for next month, so I'll discuss it with my doctor then. And the legs still have a while to go before they will be fully healed, but at least they're looking better. But overall, I'm doing pretty well now. Things are definitely good. Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
Wow! Things sounds like they are finally looking up for you. It really is empowering to be able to hold down a job and keep in control of your finances enough that a small emergency doesn't throw you for a loop. I'm also so excited that you're finally getting some answers for some of your health issues. There are few things more frustrating than having something wrong with you and not knowing _what_ the problem is. Keep hanging in there! I am so happy for you! Posted by rubble (Member # 6454) on :
Congrats on achieving your goals.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Sounds like things are going really well, xnera! I'm so glad!
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. Good luck.
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Last week, I took a guess at how long it would take me to accomplish each task, and then kept track of my time. That was fun, and kept me pretty motivated for a day or two. I also seem to do pretty well when I have a specified deadline to meet. I often wonder if a lot of my issues at work is that I get these requests that don't have any obvious deadline, or whose deadlines are too far in the future, so I put them off because I don't feel any urgency to do them.![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Meant to find my stickers last night, but I forgot. Maybe I will buy some during lunch.![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Making the original list was very liberating, but reversing it was even more so.![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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I rolled out of bed sometime around ten, and immediately stumbled to my computer. This is what I normally do, but today, it wasn't just for fun. I was working.![[Cool]](cool.gif)
They are here: http://www.cafepress.com/warpedpearl![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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You do give good advice, and I appreciate it. But there are times that advice is wanted and needed, and there are times it is not necessary. I don't think I need advice now because I know what I need to do. I just don't like what I need to do. ![[The Wave]](graemlins/thewave.gif)
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Hi xnera (It's formerly pooka). I'm so glad for the update. Hatrack: Well, as far as I know, I came back just after Christmas (all that true meaning of Christmas/make amends stuff got to me) and then the T_Smack wedding happened, and then Icarus was very nearly on who wants to be a Millionaire and AK left. Annie got a cool job doing PR for a studio that specializes in Native American Art. Hobbes needs a suit. I am attempting to leave the ranks of Stay at home Moms and enter the ranks of working moms. And I still haven't completed my step four. ![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
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But I did complete my nano, though not in as spectacular a nail-biting fashion as Annie. Celia is crazy busy and Noemon got busted for posting from work, so they are more scarce. CT/Sara/CT is attempting to moderate her hours. Ralphie was around quite a bit for a while, though I haven't seen her as much this past week. Mayday and Bernard just celebrated their 2 year anniversary of dating. When Jon Boy and Brinestone went out of town, Galacticcactus got so slow that Pat even posted here a couple of times. But we are having muppet mafia over there. Doesn't sound like you'll have the free time, but we need a Beaker. And that is my admittedly subjective take on what's been up at Hatrack. I started using my pooka50 ID at livejournal again and using my other one just for writerly stuff. I mark an awful lot of my entries "private".![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)