This is topic The monkey's paw -- a game in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Here's the game:

Person 1 posts their wish.

Person 2 "twists" it into something dark and evil that backfires on the wisher.

Some simple rules:
You can't make compound conditional wishes like:
I want all the money I could ever use, but I don't want it to be inheritance as all my relatives die and I don't want it to be post-humous or to get it because I'm discovered to be a rare medical freak who gets paid to show off...

No, your wishes have to be simple things like:
I want to never have to worry about money again.

or

I want to be the most beautiful person in the world.

Simple. one verb, one subject, adjectives to your hearts content.

Points (ha, like I'm actually to score these) awarded for:

wishing for something that the next person can't twist into something REALLY REALLY EVIL.

and for

twisting the wish into SOMETHING REALLY GRUESOMELY CREATIVELY EXTRA SCRUMPTIOUSLY EVIL.

Once you've posted your evil twisting of the previous person's wish, post your wish so the next person has something to work with.

First wish to get us started:

I wish I had unlimited free cell phone minutes everywhere in the world.

[ September 27, 2004, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
 

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Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
 
Bob, do you *wish* those rules were applied? :innocent face:
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Sorry, I was busy editing the post.

Your turn! Twist the wish!!!

Wish your own wish.

Do you dare?

The monkey's paw is laughing.

Well...sort of scratching in that way that dead severed monkey hands have...

Spooky!
 

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Posted by vwiggin (Member # 926) on :
 
Kenny G has your cell phone number.

I want to score 100 points in an NBA game.
 

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Posted by Scythrop (Member # 5731) on :
 
Wish granted. Subject to an annual connection service fee, monthly subscription fee, weekly system access charge,handset registration fee....

Edit: clearly that was intended for Bob's post. I wish I hadn't replied so slowly.

[ September 27, 2004, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: Scythrop ]
 

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Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
 
vwiggin: You're one of Jerry's kids and they let you play out of pity.

edited for clarity.

[ September 27, 2004, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: PSI Teleport ]
 

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Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
 
[Loud announcement]

And Mr. Viggin scores his 100th point in this game! His team-mates don't know what to do anymore, his trainer wants to get him on the bench, the adversaries are just sitting and laughing... When will Mr. Viggin realize... he's scoring at THE WRONG END?!
 

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Posted by Anthro (Member # 6087) on :
 
You're recruited by the Milwaukee Brewers.

I wish to pass a Darwin-istically competitive chemistry exam.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
The final exam involves sampling the compounds made by your competitors. You win by guessing why your intestines have liquified.

I wish to be popular.
 

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Posted by Lost Ashes (Member # 6745) on :
 
Your wish is granted! You are very popular, most popular of all folks.

But you can't get rid of all of the house guests.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Um...now post your wish.

is this so hard?

Twist a wish
Post a wish.

Sheesh!

I wish people would read carefully!
 

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Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
 
For the record, I didn't post one because Corwin posted right after I did and I figured that kinda forfeited my turn.
 

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Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
 
Ah, Bob, I'm just twisting your wish for the rules to be enforced... Probably so are the others?!

Edit: About your last wish:
So did the guys who put the sign: "Danger! High voltage! Don't come near!"

Too bad for the 100 year old grandma who had to walk right next to it in order to READ CAREFULLY!

[ September 27, 2004, 10:22 PM: Message edited by: Corwin ]
 

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Posted by Lost Ashes (Member # 6745) on :
 
I wish I had a 1969 Jaguar XKE.

(I really wanted to say "I wish Cotton was a monkey" but I remember how that turned out on the Lil Rascals...)
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
1969 Jag on it's way. It'll be shipped to you in 673 pieces over the next ten years.

I wish I had good high-speed internet.
 

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Posted by Anthro (Member # 6087) on :
 
Well lookee here, you got yourself an AOL CD in the mail.

I wish I was six foot six inches.
 

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Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
Wish granted. You are now a party platter sub from sub-way, devoured by starving sub-way employees.

I wish for global domination.

Edit: D'oh.

Edit #2 - forget my wish

Edit #3 - why don't i just do one to Anthros

Edit #4 - AHHH!!!

Edit #5 - I think I'm just going to delete this post

Edit #6 - Wait, I appear before Corwin, he should edit his post

[ September 27, 2004, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: kaioshin00 ]
 

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Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
 
Arthro: Granted! That's why people always jump over your mere two feet instead of going around all those six...

I wish I had enough time to sleep.

Edit: kaioshin: there's always the TIME when you edited your post to show that your edit was actually AFTER my post!

And yeah, wish granted, I edited mine... Happy?!

[ September 27, 2004, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: Corwin ]
 

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Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 

 

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Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
 
Err... Are you trying to tell me something, kaioshin? If I do that, I'll finally get enough sleep?!
 

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Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
Corwin, you take the big sleep. Rest in Peace
Kaish, You get "World Domination" a very bad and virus infested video game that not only is boring and has 8-bit graphics, but it eats your hard drive and downloads all your credit card info and sends it to a clearing house in South Africa.

I wish for Peace on Earth.
 

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Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
 
Cockroaches do not fight wars, even mutant cockroaches.

Edit : Oops, forgot my wish. I wish to pass my Qualifying Exam.

[ September 27, 2004, 10:43 PM: Message edited by: King of Men ]
 

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Posted by Dead_Horse (Member # 3027) on :
 
Wish granted. But unfortunately, you drove right by the building on your way to take the exam, and now you are in Florida and out of gas, and the test is over.

I wish the hill between my house and the nearest wireless service was 200 feet shorter.
 

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Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
 
Certainly, an earthquake just made it so. Pity about your house. But I think you misunderstood my wish : I've already taken the exam, I'm wishing the graders will be kind and gentle.
 

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Posted by narrativium (Member # 3230) on :
 
Granted. The graders put a sympathetic note on your exam next to your miserable score.

I wish I had an airplane.
 

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Posted by FoolishTook (Member # 5358) on :
 
Wish granted! Fully-loaded, but with a 0% survivability rating.

I wish I could get a story published by a respectable magazine.
 

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Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
 
Granted. Don't unfold it or it won't fly real well.

I wish that Mt. St. Helen's would go to sleep and stay that way.
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Foolish Took: Granted! They want it to illustrate their article on how not to write.

I shall leave Shan's wish to be granted next.
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
Here it is: Sorry, it's a bit low quality but toilet paper was all that was available.

EDIT: Too slow.

[ September 27, 2004, 11:17 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]
 

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Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
 
Foolish Took: Granted! Unfortunately, that respectable magazine is out of Tunisia.

I wish to be the star of a Broadway musical!

[ September 27, 2004, 11:17 PM: Message edited by: Leonide ]
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Shan: Granted. Too bad the seismic disruptions leveled Seattle. And lots of puppies.

Leonide: Granted. Paint Yer Wagon is gonna be GREAT!

I wish I could lose 20 pounds.

[ September 27, 2004, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Granted! Shall I chop off your left leg or your right?
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
Sorry about your head.

I wish I could write a wish that nobody else could twist.

EDIT: Is that mine since ElJay forgot to wish?

[ September 27, 2004, 11:20 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]
 

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Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
Your wish goes untwisted, but it is also ungranted.

I wish for an endless supply of skittles.
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
Too bad about kaio...

buried alive under a mountain of skittles.

I wish I had perfect understanding of American Constitutional law.
 

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Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
The skittles are those terrible English skittles where the purples taste like decaying raisins or something.

I wish I could kill a man with a powerful gaze.

EDIT: Too slow.

The total comprehension of the American Constitution is so twisted and erratic that your brain dissolves in a series of anyeurisms.

See above wish.

[ September 27, 2004, 11:28 PM: Message edited by: Book ]
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
Geez, when you get riled, your loved ones and familt drod dead left and right. You have to wear an eyepatch all the time to keep it at half-power.

I wish I could turn invissible whenever (and only when) I wanted to.
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
EDIT: That was terrible.

I'm sorry? Did someone just speak? Hello?

EDIT: Explaining my answer: well, I was going to pretend you were invisible at the time that you spoke and therefore your wish confused me. But it's true, it was a bad twisting and I apologise.

I wish I could calculate square roots in my head.

[ September 27, 2004, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
I don't get it. How does that twist my wish? I think you're cheating!

Savantism is sure nice isn't it. You can calculate square roots better than anybody. It's just things like public disscourse and social interaction that are impossible.

I wish I could fly.
 

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Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
You gain the ability to calculate square roots in your head. One day, you happen to be thinking of the square root of 65536, and you randomly wander in the path of road runner, who stops near you and says *beep beep*. At this very instant, Wile E. Coyote drops a 1 ton anvil aimed at road runner but it indeed lands on you, and you are crushed.

I wish I could flyyyyyyyy.

Edit: oops, too late, but we wish the same thing!

[ September 27, 2004, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: kaioshin00 ]
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
American Constitutional Law: You receive a perfect understanding by traveling back to the days of John Jay, but your time machine breaks and you can't get back to the land of warm showers and toilet paper.

(And only when) constitutes a violation of the rules. But I'll do it anyway... Unfortunately when you rematerialize you are always nude.

You can calculate square roots in your head, but you can't stop... you just keep calculating and calculating until you run out of memory and fall into a coma.

My wish is to be a rock star.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Sadly, you wish you could land. But you are out of wishes so you just crash instead.

Rock stars are the ones that are out of helium and hydrogen fuel. You are dull and lifeless.

I wish I knew in high school what I know now.

[ September 27, 2004, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
I think the twist should have to be a direct cause or result of the thing being wished for. Some of these are just silly. Too tangential ruins the game.

For example, OSC's story Middle Woman includes a game much like this. The woman swishes her farm will always and forever produce enough food for her family. The dragon gobbles up her family so that even if it produces nothing, it will always produce enough. It wouldn't have been any fun if he had said "Okay, but it produces so well that one day you will be walking in the fields and the plants will be so heavy with bounty that they will obscure your sight and a skunk will be hiding and spray you and you will be so startled you will back off of a cliff.

Keep it simple.
 

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Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
 
Pooka, the rocks quite love you. However, human beings can't stand that horrid screeching you call music

I wish I could eat anything and not have to watch my weight.

Goody
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
You don't have to watch it because it will always stay at 300.

I wish hot dogs didn't cause cancer.

[ September 27, 2004, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: pooka ]
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
You can eat anything and not have to watch your weight, because you are so incredibly obese it doesn't matter in the slightest.

I wish I DID have a time machine, that could go both ways. (No random breakages, please. How is having a time machine IN ITSELF evil?)
 

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Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
 
You go back to high school now.

I wish I was self confident.
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
Idem: your time machine only travels 5 seconds in both directions.

blacwolve: Your self confidence is so great that you cease to rely on anyone's frame of reference, even for the definitions of prepositions.

My wish: That dogs and chewing gum were illegal.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
A massive black market in dogs results. And the chewing gum street wars -- let's not even talk about it. Pushers on every corner selling Chiclets!

I wish I could come up with the unifying theory of EVERYTHING!

[ September 27, 2004, 11:50 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
You do. Talk about a Cassandra complex, though. Nobody believes you.

I wish I were God.
 

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Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
 
congratulations, Bob! chiclets have permanently glued together all previously discabobulated parts of the universe - unfortunately, there is no known way of unsticking anything.

I wish I had a lollipop.(and that I could type faster)

[ September 27, 2004, 11:56 PM: Message edited by: Shan ]
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
Idem: Granted, unfortunately people are always killing each other and blaming it on you.

I wish I could write a best selling diet book.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Angry hungry people force feed the book to you on National TV.

I wish I had no body hair.

[ September 27, 2004, 11:59 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
I don't really have a problem with tha, actually!
 

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Posted by Human (Member # 2985) on :
 
Wish granted! Unfortunately, you lose all your skin as well.

I wish I could find true love.
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
You marry you true love, only to meet your TRUE LOVE on the honeymoon.

[ September 28, 2004, 12:00 AM: Message edited by: pooka ]
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
Pooka, you have just published the best selling diet book, but three years later it turns out that in fact, the diet you reccomend also shrinks the kidneys into unusable raisins. You, as a user of your own diet, die taking half of the USA with you.

Bob, you have no body hair. Too bad about that gorgeous woman you just met whose only stipulation for making love to a man is that he must be very very hairy.

I wish I my boss would die of heart failure.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You find true love in a magazine. From 1947.

Your boss is driving you to a meeting at the time.

I wish politicians told the truth all the time.

[ September 28, 2004, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
Politicians always tell the truth, leading to a massive failure of government, rioting, and anarchy. (I honestly believe that would happen, to be frank.)

I wish I were immune to all harmful diseases.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You get ALL the non-harmful diseases.

I wish they would name a street after me.
 

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Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
Crime and prostitution abound on Bob Scopatz Lane.

I wish I could punch through brick walls as a party trick. EDIT: and then all the ladies would be all up ons.

[ September 28, 2004, 12:06 AM: Message edited by: Book ]
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
Can you name a non-harmful disease?
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
Delilah, at any rate, is all up ons.

I wish I could learn foreign language vocabulary by taking a pill.
 

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Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Wish granted, but at the loss of your native tounge.

I wish I could solve this cursed rubiks cube!

[ September 28, 2004, 12:16 AM: Message edited by: Vadon ]
 

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Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
You do, but your raucous celebration over such an irrelevent vistory alerts everyone in the room to your spectacular nerdulations.

I wish I could uplink my brain to the internet, like JC Denton from Deus Ex.
 

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Posted by Human (Member # 2985) on :
 
Granted! Unfortunately, you contracted a virus, and you now spew ads for penis enlargement 24 hours a day!

I wish that could shoot fireballs from my hand, like Ryu from Street Fighter.
 

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Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Wish granted, but your hand will catch fire each time, going your clothes destroying them; only to publicily humiliate you upon each use.

I wish that others' wishes were granted as they want them.

(twist that)

[ September 28, 2004, 12:23 AM: Message edited by: Vadon ]
 

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Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
Thousands of men and women die from inability to circulate blood efficiently due to monstrously oversized phalluses and breasts. You are forced to spend your life with self-centered, egotistical jerks.

Sure wish I could move super speedy fast.
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
You are Idem's boss.

Book: your feet get super speedy sore.

I wish to play the piano like Vladimir Horowitz.

[ September 28, 2004, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: pooka ]
 

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Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
I agree, that would be nice. However after five years of overusing your gift you wind up with a severe case of carpal tunnel syndrome and aare unable to type and post on hatrack, forever denying us your clever company.

Man, I dunno. Wolverine's power, how about that. That'd be nice.
 

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Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Edit, to make book happy ^_^, He is able to heal, but from lack of saying how much he heals, he can only heal his left eyebrow.

I wish robots that obeyed me would rule the world

[ September 28, 2004, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: Vadon ]
 

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Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
No, see, the correct way to twist it back on me is to say that I horribly break my leg and the tissue around it heals up immediately, freezing the shattered bone in place.

Pretty sure healing anything can heal a blood infection, too.
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
Vadon: Unfortunately, since you don't know how to make chocolate this cyber-utopia has no chocolate.

Book, you have a blood infection? Yeah, Wolverine could even keep from being affected by tranquilizers. At least in the movie.

I wish butter were a vegetable.
 

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Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
Carb counters consequently lose one of their staples and become very crabby, causing a 27% increase in murder and, surprisingly, a 63% rise in rape.

I wish for once I could have dinner with a celebrity who wasn't bound and gagged.

[ September 28, 2004, 12:52 AM: Message edited by: Book ]
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
You have dinner with Christopher Walken, who insists on you being bound and gagged.

I wish I could get a full night's sleep in under 7 hours.
 

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Posted by narrativium (Member # 3230) on :
 
Congratulations. You can now get a full night's rest in 4 hours. Unfortunately, you are unable to sleep more than that, and you develop acute noctiphobia.

I wish I could see a much wider section of the electromagnetic spectrum.
 

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Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
You can finally see the horrific monsters that hide in the shadows and the light, feeding on your sorrow and anguish. Congrats.

Sure wish parts of me weren't chapped.
 

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Posted by narrativium (Member # 3230) on :
 
I ain't touching that one with a 10 foot pole. And I'm going to bed.
 

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Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
I guess.... I win?
 

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Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
 
*uses 11 foot pole*

Chapped parts have been removed.

I wish for more free wishes.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
You get them, but use them wishing for wishes until you forget to eat and starve to death.

I wish I had some chocolate.
 

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Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
 
Book: Any and all chapped parts have been amputated. Have a nice day.

Ketchupqueen: You have mounds and mounds of the finest dark chocolate. Laced with cyanide.

I want to be blissfully happy forever.

[ September 28, 2004, 07:07 AM: Message edited by: Shigosei ]
 

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Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
 
Wish granted
*pat pat, here is a doggy biscuit*

I wish to always make the morally correct decision.
 

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Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :
 
Gilded copies of the following books appear on your bookshelf.

The Holy Bible
The Book of Mormon
Ethics for the New Millennium: His Holiness the Dalai Lama
The Book of Jewish Values: A Day-By-Day Guide to Ethical Living
Cyberethics: Social & Moral Issues in the Computer Age

I wish I could eat yummy meals everyday without gaining an ounce of weight.

*edited because my first wish was impossible without divine intervention*

[ September 28, 2004, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: Tammy ]
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted. The massive tape worm in your stomach robs you of all nutrients, regardless of how much you eat. You waste away, and eventually die of starvation.

I wish to attain enlightenment.
 

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Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :
 
You are immediately enlightened, you transcend and attain Nirvana.

Unfortunately Kurt Cobain is no longer with us, so you obtain Courtney Love instead. This immediately counteracts your initial enlightenment.

I wish to be parasite free.
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
Wonderful. You are completely parasite free. You no longer have a single parasite, not even the beneficial ones that aid in digestion. You have an eternal case of the runs.

I wish I were TomDavidson.
 

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Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
 
If someone wishes something evil and destructive for themselves, should we twist it into being positive or what?

Hobbes

[ September 28, 2004, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: Hobbes ]
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
:: poof! ::

You are now Tom Davidson. Unfortunately, not five minutes ago The Pixiest decided that you had to be taken out, and even as we speak she is contracting the job out to a radical right wing militia group in your area.

I wish for a lifetime of good health.
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
You get your wish.
This was much funnier before Noemon posted...

Noemon, you have a lifetime of perfect health. Your new lifespan is 30 seconds.

[ September 28, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: Dagonee ]
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
There are radical right wing militia groups in East Texas?

Dag, you didn't post a wish, So I will post another one.

I wish I had spent the last four years building up an immunity to iocaine powder.
 

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Posted by Polio (Member # 6479) on :
 
Um, run that by me again. What's iocaine? (Dictionary.com doesn't know either.)
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
Iocaine comes exclusively from Australia! And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, as everyone knows. And criminals are used to people not trusting them as you are are not trusted by me so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!

You have a dizzying intellect.

Wait till I get going!... Where was I.

Australia.

Ah yes. And you must have suspected I would know the powders origin. You would have counted on it! So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
...
...
...
(argument continues)
...
...
...
You've made your choice?

Yes. Let's drink. I from my glass, and you from yours. (they drink)

(smirks)You guessed wrong

You only think I guessed wrong, that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia. But only SLIGHTLY less well known is this. NEVER go in against a sicilian, when DEATH is on the line! Ahahahahahahah Ahahahahahahah Ha Ha HA... (dies)

Princess Buttercup: And to think all this time it was your cup that was poisoned.

Who can finish this quote?
 

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Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
 


The Princess Bride
 

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Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
 
Your wish is granted, but when the test of wits comes it involves almond cookies and cyanide instead.

I wish I had infallible gaydar.
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
You do. Now you know eery single person in your life who is living a lie. You know every public figure who has a secret. You know every politician whose career you could end with a phone call. Now you will be tempted. You will live a life conflicted by whether or not to resort to blackmail. If you ever do, you will end up being killed by your target. If you don't, you will always, always be tempted. Enjoy your living hell, my friend.

I wish I had the complete Black Adder box set.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You now own the entire run of Black Adder. On Betamax. Good luck finding something to play it on. If you manage it, you'll discover that the whole thing is a pirated version of the series, dubbed in Cantonese.

I wish to know what the consensus of future generations will be on the events going on in the present.

[ September 28, 2004, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
Congratulations. Although everyone looks back on the events of these years with fond remembrance, you discover everyone in the future hates you and your birthday is a day of mourning on which everyone wears black. You immediately commit suicide.

I still wish I had a million dollars

[ September 28, 2004, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]
 

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Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
Congrats Teshi, you have a million dollars, and three million friends, family, and large muscular men who all want a donation.

I wish I was in the land of cotton.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
"Welcome to the land of cotton, Dan_Raven" says your overseer, flicking his whip in your direction. "You'll be clearing half of this field before you'll be be given lunch."

I wish I'd gotten to reply to Teshi's "million dollar" wish.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
To respond to Teshi's wish, you go back in time. Unfortunately, this causes a rift in the space-time continuium, and you are stuck in a bad Star Trek TNG episode for all eternity.

I wish I could control the speed that time flows for me, as in the book Treason.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Hey, as long as there isn't a malfunctioning holodeck in the episode, I consider myself fortunate.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
I said it was a bad TNG episode, so there has to be a malfunctioning holodeck.
 

---

Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
m_p_h, this you now have the power to do. But, er, not very well. While dreaming of your powers you mistakenly age yourself rather quickly, and well... rest in peace, my friend.

I wish I could emit light from my hand just by willing it.

EDIT: I also wish I had grammar skills.

[ September 28, 2004, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Curse you, MPH! Truly, you are an evil genie!

Teshi: An ultra-secret branch of the NSA takes an interest in your glowing hand, and kidnaps you. You spend the rest of your (brief) life being vivisected by government scientists.

I wish that I knew what Book's background was in Firefly.
 

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Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
You find out about Book, and realize that if they had continued, Firfly would would become the greatest work of cinema, art, and literature in the history of mankind. It would have issued in a new era of world peace, eliminated poverty, and given everybody a purpose to their lives.

But you can't get anybody to make it.

I wish that I had access to a library of all works of art, all books, all TV shows, all movies, etc. through all time.
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
*poof* You have all works of stuff, but only this life in which to read it. Also, a lot of it is either in a language you don't know or translated by a darned Yalie.

I wish I could play guitar.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
A dizzyingly alien, dizzyingly beautiful spaceship descends gracefully, landing in Porter's back yard. With a quiet hiss, the airlock opens, and a ramp descends to the ground. Down it, a being that can only be described as "angelic" strides purposefully. Although her lips do not move, Porter hears, in his head, a voice saying "Take this, brother; may it serve you well," and hands you a storage device which contains all works of art, all books, all TV shows, all movies, etc. through all time. As Porter watches in stunned silence, she re-enters her craft and disappears into the heavens, having completely forgotten to provide a reader for the storage device.

[Edit--pooka develops an uncanny ability to play the guitar. Unfortunately, she'll now spend the rest of her life with hellhounds on her trail, since she happened to find the "genie" who granted her this wish loitering at a crossroads.]

I wish that I had the ability to observe history as the characters in Pastwatch do.

[ September 28, 2004, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

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Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
 
Noemon, you observe your parents in the act of creating you and are totally squicked. Not only is observing history wrecked for you, but so is any thought of a normal sex life.

I wish I could write a great book.

space opera
 

---

Posted by Carrie (Member # 394) on :
 
45,383 pages later, no one's reading. Too bad no one actually picked it up in the first place!

I wish I could sight-read ancient Greek well.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Space Opera!

Carrie--you pick up a copy of The Illiad in the original Greek, and are delighted by your ability to sight read it. Well, for the few moments you have remaining before macular degeration claims your ability to see, anyway.

I wish I were capable of voluntary telekenesis.

[ September 28, 2004, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

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Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
Granted. Though every time you teleport, you lose a limb (of your choice).

I wish that I could bake cookies. Good ones.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
pssst! That's teleportation, not telekenesis!
 

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Posted by Polio (Member # 6479) on :
 
Kaioshin: Your future senile mother-in-law spends three weeks with you to teach you to bake good cookies. Then, because she is a mother-in-law and thus conniving and manipulative, she moves in with you so she doesn't have to bake and eats all your cookies.

I wish I knew how to fix my car.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. But you will forget how to breathe.

I wish I got an A in Spanish.
 

---

Posted by Polio (Member # 6479) on :
 
You get an A in Spanish, travel to Cuba, and are killed by the government.

I wish I looked better in my yearbook photo.
 

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Posted by IdemosthenesI (Member # 862) on :
 
Granted, but you will forget how to breathe.

That one works for freakin' anything! I mean, even Hitler could use that one.

I wish Goodwin's law didn't exist.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted... but you soon wish it was Murphy's law that didn't exist as you get hit by a truck after exitting your house.

I wish i didn't have to shoot that mountain lion.

[ September 28, 2004, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: Turgan ]
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
You don't. But perhaps you should have; he just ate you.

I wish I could write with only my mind thinking the words.
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
You can, but you can't stop - wherever you go, everything you thought is written in large letters.

I wish I'd gotten the job I wanted.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
damn.. i was foiled...

Granted: unfortunately you die the very next day because your face gets smashed in the copier. O_O.

I wish i had my own company that could successfully compete with Starbucks.

[ September 28, 2004, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: Turgan ]
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
But now Starbuck's is taken over by the mob in response to your competition.

I wish I had a Moller Skycar.
 

---

Posted by Carrie (Member # 394) on :
 
You did.

I wish I had someone to buy my ticket.
 

---

Posted by Little_Doctor (Member # 6635) on :
 
They pay in monopoly money!

I wish I had uncontrollable heat vision that will destory everyone I see.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
you DID??? what kind of grant is that?

Granted. Unfortunately, you kill too many people, get the governments attention, and they kill you. Because, hey, you're an alien. Or so they think.

I wish i would go to Heaven when i die.

[ September 28, 2004, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: Turgan ]
 

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Posted by Carrie (Member # 394) on :
 
It's a very short one. See, you had it, then... POOF! - you didn't. Sorry.
 

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Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
 
Turgan- Unfortunately, you step on a duck.

I wish I had some fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

(edit: I doubt anyone will recognize the joke...)

[ September 28, 2004, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: Eruve Nandiriel ]
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
You get to heaven and it is full of people who also wished their way there.

I wish I had a bowl of rice pudding.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
I recognize the joke, amazingly.

Granted. Except you soon realize that the gods misunderstood you and you are actually eating LICE pudding.

I wish i had a number one from Burger king. With no onions.
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
Number one has recently changed to a single pickle. One pickle, with no onions, coming right up.

I wish I could get away from this thread.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
You leave this thread and step out your door and are immediately devoured bya gelatinous beast.

I wish my cat had short hair.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, the barber also cut off your ears. Can you hear me now? Good.

I wish I had some cheese sticks.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
I took my cat to the barber?
 

---

Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
Granted, but the barber bill is $80.

I wish I knew how to wear makeup.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Here you are - a big bowl of our special - cheese sticks and pus.

I wish my toes weren't cold.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Pooka - you're the best made-up hooker in the state of Utah.

I still wish my toes weren't cold.
 

---

Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
 
Wish granted! No more toes!

I wish I could call evil good, and good evil.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
afr: Celia is elected Pope.

I wish chocolate wasn't fattening.
 

---

Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
 
Fine. Chocolate isn't fattening, but it is now against the Word of Wisdom.

I wish I had a million wishes.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Ok, you get a million wishes, but you've suddenly developed Tourette's.

I wish I had pink hair
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, the only way to get pink hair was to stain it with your own blood. Do you feel feint?

I wish i had green eyes.
 

---

Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
 
Turgan- You also go blind.

I still want fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.
 

---

Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
You get fresh baked chocolate chip cookies but someone was in such a hurry to make them for you they put in double soda and you have no milk.

I'm enjoying my rice pudding, by the way.

I wish for all the veal calves to be freed.

[ September 28, 2004, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: pooka ]
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
The veal calves are freed, but have a nasty run-in with a rabid skunk. And they're milling about your backyard.

I wish Pedro Sanchez could be our President.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
Now that veal calves are free, prices for veal plummet. For a while, it is the cheapest meat you can buy. The entire world develops a taste for it, and within a year there are ten times as many veal calves in cages as there were before.

edit: ignore my wish

[ September 28, 2004, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: mr_porteiro_head ]
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Pedro Sanchez becomes president. But is assassinated the next day and Carlos Santana succeeds him... he is then assassinated and we all have to deal with Ricky Martin as president.

I wish Eruve could get a chocolate chip cookie
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Eruve gets a chocolate chip cookie laced with cyanide and you get your ears boxed for being insolent.

I wish I talked with an exotic accent
 

---

Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
 
You talk with the accent of a Klingon, and no one can understand you.

I want to be a really good artist.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GAH! DOES IT NEVER END!?
*hates being foiled*

[ September 28, 2004, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: Turgan ]
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
You are now the worlds best artist in your chosen medium.

Unfortunately, your medium is piles of dung.

I wish that I could retire right now.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. unfortunately you die from excitement when you realize it's possible.

I wish i had a larger attention span.

PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE! PAGE!

[ September 28, 2004, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: Turgan ]
 

---

Posted by Stray (Member # 4056) on :
 
You concentrate on one thing for so long that you forget to eat and starve to death.

I wish I could take off work the rest of this week.
 

---

Posted by Richard Gere (Member # 6534) on :
 
You're Fired!

I wish the media had never found out about the Gerbil incident.
 

---

Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
 
You get the whole week off! Unfortunately, you get a lot more off, since your company went under, taking whatever pension funds of yours it had with it.

I wish I could get enough sleep every night.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Wish granted, however you are stuck asleep not able to wake up, causing you to die of starvation.

I wish I had a Fresca.

[ September 28, 2004, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: Vadon ]
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, I spiked it with Arsonic not five minuites ago. heh. Sorry.

I wish I lived next door to blink 182

[ September 28, 2004, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: Turgan ]
 

---

Posted by Stray (Member # 4056) on :
 
Blink 182 have a big raucous rock-star party and accidentally burn your house down.

I wish my husband would take over cleaning all the litter boxes, once a day, forever.

[ September 28, 2004, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Stray ]
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, your husband inhales too much ammonia fumage and suffers from brain damage, maiking him unable to do the litterbox, causing you to do it again.

I wish it was 1pm tomorrow.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Granted, but from the jump in time, many catostrophic events that could have been stopped by you have occured, You now have no family, no friends, and no house... But it's still one P.M. tommorrow.

I wish I didn't grow facial hair to be shaved. ^_^
 

---

Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
Granted. You're now a woman.

I wish my dissertation would write itself.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. unfortunately, since you have no idea what it wrote, you din't know that it dropped many many f-bombs and your life is ruined.

I wish i had a G5 powerbook
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Granted. But it's still a Mac.

I wish my pizza was here now.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
that's not an insult.. that is TOTALLY what i like. Pee cee's are stupid.

Granted. But now it's all cold and not made correctly. And food poisoning decides to attack.

I wish I had a G5 desktop.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Wish granted, however, when you are setting up your user account, a power-blink happens in the process of saving user information... causing it to break forever.

I wish, I wish, I wish I were a fish!
(Mr. Limpet)

[ September 28, 2004, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: Vadon ]
 

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Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
Granted. You're EATEN! by a SHARK!

I wish to win the powerball tomorrow night.
 

---

Posted by Stray (Member # 4056) on :
 
And you do! But by a freak coincidence, so do four million other people, and divvied up amongst you the prize money is negligible.

I wish I could lose weight and get in shape without having to diet or exercise.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted: You now look like Paris Hilton because Annorexia hates you.

I wish i had a spoon.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Granted, but the spoon is dirty, and has been used by someone else. You can't wash it either!

Edit: Oops need a wish

I wish... I could get my homework done sooner.

[ September 28, 2004, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: Vadon ]
 

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Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
Granted. However, it is absurdly incorrect.

I wish Mommy and Daddy would stop yelling.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
granted. unfortunately, they start hitting each other.

I wish I lived next to Jenna Jameson

 

---

Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
You do. If she's even aware you exist, she thinks you're a puerile wiener.

I wish I didn't have to eat dinner alone tonight.
 

---

Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
 
Granted! Unfortunately, the woman is rather creeped out by all the longing stares. She builds a fence and files for an order of protection with the police.

I wish my papers would file themselves, neatly and in a way that makes it easy to find the articles I want when I need them.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Granted, a lone mouse will crawl on the table and join you for a lovely meal, putting germs in everything.

I wish OSC himself would post in these forums.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
granted. Unfortunately, he posts so much he forgets to write and consequently makes no more great novels.. no more money.. and he starves.

I wish I was famous.
 

---

Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
 
After lengthy trial plays out in media, you are convicted of child rape.

I wish my eyes weren't so dried out.
 

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Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Granted, however you lose your eyes completely. No more dry eyes!

I wish that I could draw hands.

[ September 28, 2004, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: Vadon ]
 

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Posted by Fyfe (Member # 937) on :
 
Your eyes are scooped out with a spoon and pickled.

I wish I had an internal alarm clock that would wake me up when I wanted it to.

(Curses! But I'm not deleting mine anyway. We had ours pickled.)

[ September 28, 2004, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: Fyfe ]
 

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Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
 
Vadon

PS. I once lived in Monroe, WA.
 

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Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
*blinks* I lived in Snohomish. Anywho.

Wish granted, but it breaks and is contantly ringing, making you deaf to everything else.

I wish I lived in Washington again.
 

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Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish I lived in Washington again

---

Yessir, good ole Washington County, Alabama . (be sure to click on "bar")

I wish I could have found gold when panning last week.
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
The Gerbil incident: Granted, but it is now replaced by "The Badger incident"

OSC posting here: Granted, but he is brutally honest about the average poster's intelligence.

Drawing hands: Granted, because all human hands now look like your drawings of them.

Internal Alarm clock: Granted, but it only works while you are licking a 9 V battery

Washington: You are back, but it is either D.C. or state, depending on which one you didn't want.

Panning for Gold: You do, but then you get poisoning from the quicksilver.

I wish my house were clean

[ September 28, 2004, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: pooka ]
 

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Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
You do...but it turns out it's not all it's cracked up to be, and you're BORED SILLY.

I wish eating chocolate made me lose weight.

Edit: Shoot! Now this makes no sense! AArgh!

[ September 28, 2004, 06:54 PM: Message edited by: Megan ]
 

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Posted by Just another Dharma bum (Member # 6879) on :
 
Granted, but you continue to eat chocolate and die of anorexia.

I wish I reached bodhi (enlightenment).
 

---

Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
Granted. You go to a Hatrack get together .

I wish my room was made of candy, and I could it eat and it would regenerate itself into more candy.
 

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Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish my room was made of candy, and I could it eat and it would regenerate itself into more candy.

---

quote:

---

is made of liver and onions

---

quote:

---

I wish I had a pet bunny.

---

This is the bunny.

P.S. It's worth clicking through some of the others.

[ September 28, 2004, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: Dagonee ]
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
I wish that everyone was named Bob
 

---

Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Damn you. It took me years to get them to stop calling me Bob, so now I have to hunt you down for making it start again.

I wish people would just pay attention.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Attention is $5.95 a minute, and they only take American Express.

I wish we were all bilingual.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Wish granted, however, The two languages people know are Klingon and Vulcan.
(suprisingly though, my name is Bob... Well sorta)

I wish I had a free dragon army t-shirt!

[ September 28, 2004, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: Vadon ]
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Wish granted: Just in time for the rounding up of all dragon army sympathizers by the evil sociopathic genius who was kicked out of Battle School. You die a slow and squishy death.

I wish I had my Hot Wheels collection back.
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish that I had a room of my own.

---

quote:

---

I wish my papers would file themselves, neatly and in a way that makes it easy to find the articles I want when I need them.

---

quote:

---

...will be found guilty of having a monopoly

---

But now the court dockets are so full of Microsoft appeals that all the other monopolies are getting away with murder.

I wish my wife hadn't volunteered me and my truck to help the white trash people move out of their apartment.
 

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Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
 
Your wife leaves you and move in with them, taking your truck with her.

After making you move her in with them.

I wish I was in good shape (fitness wise).

[ September 29, 2004, 12:21 AM: Message edited by: Kwea ]
 

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Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
 
You are buff, you are ripped, you are exactly what women want in a man. You are perfection incarnate. However, your wife knows the old you too well, and could never believe you could look like this. At first she puts out a missing persons report, then a restraint order on you for stalking her, and finally she gives up hope on finding you again and moves in with her mother.

I wish for an exciting job.
 

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Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
 
Congratulations! The nuclear bomb squad is glad to have you aboard!

I wish that I would stop forgetting to put a wish.

[ September 29, 2004, 01:10 AM: Message edited by: Shigosei ]
 

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Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
 
Uh... I wish for an exciting safe job.
 

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Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
 
Your wish, not yours T, is granted, you now add your heartfelt wish onto everything you say, including when you say hello to that guys you've had your eye on. Needless to say your popularity drops about as a fast a fish out a plane. Good luck winning him over now!

Hmm, perhaps I got a little too into that.

I wish for proper perspective.

Hobbes
 

---

Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
 
Congratulations, Hobbes, you can now draw in 3 dimensions... just not very well.

I wish for some skills.
 

---

Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
 
Congratulations Nate, you're now the proud owner of the new skill brand tool set. It's a shame that it literally cost an arm and a leg to purchase them.

I wish for courage.

Hobbes
 

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Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
 
Silly Lion, you've had it all this time...

Actually, you get a Courage the cowardly dog stuffed animal.

I wish for a pepsi right now.
 

---

Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish for a pepsi right now

---

A Pepsi suddenly appears in your hand as you are being interviewed for VP of sales at the CocaCola corporation.

I wish I had season 3 of Lost in Space on DVD.
 

---

Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
 
You get it... but there are NO SPECIAL FEATURES!! MUAHAHAHAH! Joking. I pass. Someone else do it.
 

---

Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
 
You recieve the DVDs only to discover that they've all been redone by an Italian film maker who thinks 8-1/2 was a crowd-pleaser.

I wish for 8-1/2 on DVD.

Hobbes

[ September 29, 2004, 01:43 AM: Message edited by: Hobbes ]
 

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Posted by Sunil (Member # 6892) on :
 
You get it, but as when you watch it Fellini climbs out of the TV like that girl from The Ring and kills you.

I wish I was murdered by a nun.
 

---

Posted by Sunil (Member # 6892) on :
 
OK, here's my real one:

You watch your DVD with a friend (who's elitist and only watches DVDs). Unbeknownst to you, this friend is a mad scientist. He hates the movie so much that he invents a time machine and kills Fellini's mother (ala Terminator) thereby preventing the movie from ever being made.
 

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Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
 
Skittles! <conspiratorial grin>
 

---

Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
 
This needs a slight nudge...

quote:

---

I wish I was murdered by a nun.

---

quote:

---

I wish i could fly

---

quote:

---

I wish i had about 400 dollars to balance my bank account out and pay for college.

---

quote:

---

I wish i didn't have to urinate so badly.

---

quote:

---

I want to have a body like Linda hamilton in Terminator 2

---

You get that body by doing pullups on an up-ended bed in the psycho ward. You also inherited a droning, monotonous voice...like dashed, yellow highway median lines.

I wish I had a bicycle like Cousin Hobbes'.

[ September 29, 2004, 05:03 PM: Message edited by: skillery ]
 

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Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
 
Done, you now have both the bike, and the unfortunate appearnce of our friend, Cousin Hobbes.

I wish that I didn't skip lunch today.

Hobbes
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish that my wish would not come true.

---

quote:

---

the unfortunate appearance of our friend, Cousin Hobbes

---

quote:

---

I wish that I didn't skip lunch today.

---

quote:

---

I wish that I had a photographic memory.

---

quote:

---

I wish I could always see next week's stock prices.

---

Everyone wonders why you jumped out of your office window.

I wish that they made tricycles for adults.
 

---

Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
They do. In the place of cars and other powerd vehicles.

I wish I could write in shorthand.
 

---

Posted by Fyfe (Member # 937) on :
 
You can. Unfortunately you are completely incapable of deciphering what you write.

I wish for some delicious freshly baked bread to eat.

Jen
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, this human intestine wished to live INSIDE a piece of freshly baked bread. And this piece was the only one left on the planet.. so... enjoy.

I wish the girl across from me would talk to me. She's really pretty.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Wish granted, she says she needs a pencil, only to never speak to you again.

I wish I had... Some New Duct Tape
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Granted. You have a brand new roll of duct tape.... wrapped around every inch of your body. You have to pull it off starting with the hairiest part of your leg.

I wish I had more trendy clothes.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Nobody granted Celia's fat cat wish - so here you go. Your fat cat, after bankrupting you with 3 bags of Iams a day, eats you while you sleep.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Here you are, the latest in ethiopian footwear!

I wish my cell phones screen hadn't broke.

(I know that's not entirely grammatically correct.. but hey... who cares?)
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Granted, to insure that it was not your Cellphone that broke, someone else owns it, even though you pay for it.

I wish that out tenents would move out.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Tenants have moved, to a tent city on your front lawn.

I wish I had a phone headset that worked well.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Granted. Your tenents move out, and you're left with no principles and no purpose to life.

I wish I wasn't such a grammar nazi.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
granted. Unfortunately, your phone line jumped to 3000 dollars a month.

I wish i was good at comedy
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Granted, however no one will ever take you seriously again.

I wish I could have proper grammar at all times.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Now you just need to learn how to speak again.

I wish I had a Fender Strat.
 

---

Posted by Polio (Member # 6479) on :
 
You get it at an auction for charity. It has been signed by Paris Hilton.

I wish I had smaller hands.
 

---

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
smaller hands in porportion to your 6-inch tall self.

I wish I had a puppy.
 

---

Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
ASPCA Alert: The tender hearted should skip this post:.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
Granted, with a side of fries and a coke.

I wish I had 1,000,000 euros.
 

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Posted by Anthro (Member # 6087) on :
 
You are very accomplished. Mostly because your manager whips you after concerts when you hit a wrong note.

EDIT: Gah! Post deleted! This was in response to a wish to be an accomplished cellist.

For pooka: you have 1,000,000 euros. Of course, they really belong to the head of the French mafia.

I wish to have a copy of Ender's Game..

[ September 29, 2004, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: Anthro ]
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Wish granted, but it's a copy with the cover removed and you go to ask OSC to sign it and he beats the living cr@p out of you.

I wish I had perfect teeth.
 

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Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
Granted, you have perfect teeth from a lifetime of eating only macrobiotic sprouts. Wait- you're vegan aren't you?

I wish it weren't so seemingly tricky to eat macrobiotic.
 

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Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish it weren't so seemingly tricky to eat macrobiotic

---

You are admitted to a Buddhist monastery, where a skillful chef helps you to balance your yin and yang.

I wish Pooka hadn't forced me to Google on macrobiotic on that last wish.

[ September 29, 2004, 11:40 PM: Message edited by: skillery ]
 

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Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 
Okay. Your significant other catches you looking up illegal internet porn instead.

I wish my eyes would stop hurting when I put my contacts in.
 

---

Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
 
Granted. Your eyeballs fall out, thus saving you the trouble of them burning from contacts.

I wish for no homework.
 

---

Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
 
Congratulations, you just got kicked out of highschool.

I wish for a non lethal, totally legal donut.
 

---

Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
 
The donut doesn't kill you, but instead sends you into a year-long coma.

I wish for world peace.
 

---

Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
 
Welcome to the world population explosion.

I wish for a scratch and sniff internet.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
*granted* Now you can smell everybody on hatrack.

I wish I were king for just one day, and I won't give it all away.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Your mouth is sewn shut and hands glued behind your back for a full twenty four hours.

I wish didn't have to hear people chew at breakfast.
 

---

Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
 
Granted, everyone who lives with you has been shot through the head and their bodies burned like so much kindling.

I wish DVDs were cheaper.

Hobbes
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! Unfortunately, you didn't specify. Here you are. A million "Gigli" DVD's on sale for forty three cents.

I wish Jay And Silent Bob were still making movies.

[ September 30, 2004, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: Turgan ]
 

---

Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
Granted, but now they just make gay porno's starring themselves.

I wish the universe got destroyed.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, you didn't die... Neither did Carrot Top.

I wish Naomi (my fiance) was here.
 

---

Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
 
Granted - however, due to time-space continuum oddities, every point of destruction leads you back to the exact same wish over and over again.

I wish this day would hurry up and be over.

Edited to add (while wailing): I give up!!!! I just don't type fast enough . . .

[ September 30, 2004, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: Shan ]
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
ha ha ha.. i beat you.
Just do my wish.

[ September 30, 2004, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: Turgan ]
 

---

Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
 
Granted, Turgan . . . Naomi IS with you and her NEW fiance . . . (mwha-ha-ha)

I wish Turgan typed slower . . .

(Edited for sloppy fast typing mistakes)

[ September 30, 2004, 10:18 AM: Message edited by: Shan ]
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
granted. unfortunately, this also means you type slower... and still slower than me.

i wish I had a huge bowl of tapioca pudding right now.
 

---

Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
 
GFranted: it looks very nice dripping down your face with the bowl upside down on your head.

I wish that everyone practiced the Greatest Commandment all the time, perfectly.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. But, just yesterday, the greatest commandment was changed to "Thou shalt eat cheese sticks whenever possible"

I hope (or wish.. whatever) that i passed my History 1301 test.
 

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Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
 
You pass your test...and didn't put your name on the paper, so you don't get the grade.

I wish I could concentrate on school.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! Unfortunately, you concentrate so hard your brain explodes.

I wish I could get that chick right over there to smile. She seems so sad. I think i see a tear.
 

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Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
 
Granted. She smiles at you because she has found her next ritual sacrifice.

I wish I had a copy of the Princess Bride dvd.

[ September 30, 2004, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
nevermind...

[ September 30, 2004, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Annie ]
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Granted - you have a copy of the Princess Bride, but your dvd player now only plays zone 3.

I wish I knew how to fish.
 

---

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
Granted, now you know how to fish, and 500 kindergarten kids come over and play "Go Fish" with you all day long, every day, for the rest of your mercifully short life.

I wish I had one moment of perfect bliss.
 

---

Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish I had one moment of perfect bliss.

---

Granted, but you were so worried about finding that one moment that you missed it when it came.

I wish for a new kate spade Rachel handbag <g>
 

---

Posted by docmagik (Member # 1131) on :
 
Granted, but now Kate Spade Rachel's family is looking for her.

I wish instead of going to work I could stay home and see what daytime Hatracking is like.
 

---

Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, hardly anyone is on during the day.

I wish I could type faster.
 

---

Posted by docmagik (Member # 1131) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, you miss all those other words you used to be able to type.

I wish I was a NYT bestselling author.
 

---

Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
 
Granted. You become a hack.

I wish I could get over my addiction to Fable.
 

---

Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
edit: same diff.

You addiction to Fable ends with you lying in a gutter in tattered clothes, holding the X box close to you and murmuring "For every choice a consequence" as you succumb to starvation.

I wish the water main in my house weren't turned off. (

[ September 30, 2004, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: pooka ]
 

---

Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
 
Granted. It's turned back on but no one's checking to make sure that the sewer and water lines are kept seperate.

I wish that Tom Davidson was as silly as Carrot-top.

[ September 30, 2004, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately.. Tom Davidson is now as LAME as carot top, too.

I wish i was 16 again.
 

---

Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
 
You are now 16 weeks old.

I wish that everyone in the world spoke the same language.
 

---

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
Granted, but its German, which means we all spread horrible diseases while spitting angrilly at each other.

I wish I were a rich man.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. You're 80.

I wish i was hotter than hell.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
*bump* heh...
 

---

Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
 
Your wish is granted, because the true temperature of hell as proved by that urban legend thermodynamics essay e-mail is absolute zero. You are just above at 1 Kelvin, my friend. It's warmer on Pluto.

I wish our house was already remodeled.

[ September 30, 2004, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Granted, AJ - you get a remodel by these guys - complete with Kama Sutra barbie doll accents.

I wish I had more food in my house.
 

---

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Granted. You have two closets full of dwarves' bread, made with the finest gravel.

I wish I had a new laptop.

[ September 30, 2004, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
 

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Posted by dabbler (Member # 6443) on :
 
Granted. Your house is filled with the common protein substitute... insects. Your shelves are filled with grasshoppers, locusts, and crickets. Your fridge is filled with beetle larvae, and your table is covered in termites.

Kat: Granted. Your laptop, unfortunately, comes with the newest kind of battery which turns out to leak battery acid all over you.

I wish I were a skilled acrobat.

[ September 30, 2004, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: dabbler ]
 

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Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Dabbler: you're the most amazing acrobat the professional world has ever seen. unfortunately, your partner is not and drops you during a very simple move. The safety equipment guys aren't quite world-class either, and you plummet to the floor hundreds of feet below, breaking your neck.

I wish I had a free pedicure.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
You get a free pedicure. The foot massage they give you, however, is $500,000. You will be paying it off for a long time. You might as well forget about that mission of yours.

I wish that my children never had to deal with other children being cruel to them.
 

---

Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
 
Granted. Too bad it was at a place that doesn't sterilize their equipment, so you get a horrible infection that requires you to have all your toes amputated.

[curse you mph *shakes fist*]

Granted. Your children, however, do not thrill to the idea of being chained in their rooms for the duration of their lives.

I wish I had a corvette.

[ September 30, 2004, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: ludosti ]
 

---

Posted by dabbler (Member # 6443) on :
 
Granted. You have a corvette, and no keys. And no registration letters, so the key people won't believe it's yours.

I wish I had as many kinder eggs as I wanted.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
::poof:: you now own a corvette. However, due to the landlocked nature of the Phoenix area, there is nothing you can really do with your little warship, and no submarines for it to engage in combat. Also, the police want to know if you've got a liscense for that thing.

[Edit--curse you Sun! You beat me to the punch. Well, let's see...

You now have as many kinder eggs as you'd like. Unfortunately, you choke on the little plastic interior egg while eating your first one.]

I wish that I were fluent in Nahuatl.

[ September 30, 2004, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
*granted* Now you just need to re-learn English.

I wish that I had started playing guitar 10 years ago instead of 1 year ago.
 

---

Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
 
Granted. You have now spent 10 years of your life playing the guitar and are no better at it than if you'd just started playing 10 minutes ago.

I wish my new house was free.

[ September 30, 2004, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: ludosti ]
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
*ouch*
 

---

Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
mph:
Granted, and as a major talent your dripping lake picture now graces the big windows at Media Play.

Ludosti: Granted, but it is made of straw

The water is back on, by the way.

I wish I had a robot that washes dishes.

[ September 30, 2004, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: pooka ]
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted. As it turns out, though, your skill in guitar playing, moments before you made this wish, had just plateaued. You're no better at the guitar now than you were nine years ago.

I wish that I had a bowl of grapenuts. I've been craving them ever since pooka mentioned them in the fibre thread.
 

---

Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
 
Ludosti, your house is now free. If it loves you, it will return.

I wish I didn't have to work with sub-contractors.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish I had a robot that washes dishes

---

quote:

---

I wish I didn't have to work with sub-contractors.

---

*poof* You don't have to do anything now but stand in lines at the unemployment office.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
I wish people would stop failing to post wishes after they grant the previous poster's wish.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, some of them also forgot to grant the previous postes wish. *see my last wish.. oh WAIT.. you couldn't.. you just skipped riiiight over it*

I wish i didn't have any kind of weird taste in my mouth.
 

---

Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
 
/sidebar

Annie, you forget, I like both nudes and the Kama Sutra. Plus if it meant I got to meet the sexy Maori carpenter on that show, I'd put up with it looking like it came out of Moulin Rouge.

AJ
/end sidebar
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
::paff:: Turgan is transformed into a sea sponge. Given that they don't have mouthes per se, he no longer has a mouth in which to have a bad taste.

I wish that I hadn't tried to manually remove that spyware from my home computer the other day (ever since I did so, I haven't been able to get online at home).
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Magically, the spyware is back on your system and you can connect to the internet no problem. Unfortunately, all you can do is go to spyware sites that keep loading, and loading, and loading.

I wish I had 20/20 vision.
 

---

Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
 
Granted. Now all you see are the numbers 20/20.

I wish I could dance well.
 

---

Posted by Anthro (Member # 6087) on :
 
You dance very well. In fact, you dance with such passion and beauty you've been cast in a sappy Disney channel movie.

I wish my Brett Favre jersey fit me.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Wham! It fits! ... Your left arm.

I wish I had a flying car!
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
OK, Bob. Here is your very own flying car. Only, you live in rural Mongolia. Good luck finding gas!

I wish I could bake the perfect cookie
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You bake the perfect cookie and the Keebler elves come and burn your house down around your ears.

I wish I could think at pedaflop speeds.
 

---

Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
 
Your brain circuitry burns out within seconds.

I wish there were a presidential candidate worth voting for.
 

---

Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
 
He is...and his name is Ralph Nader, who will never win anything again.

I wish I could meeet more Hatrackers IRL.
 

---

Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
Kwea: Legions of hungry hatrackers descend on your next wedding anniversary and put their stinky feet on the sofa and dining table.

I wish I could change out this yoda green shag rug.
 

---

Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
 
Granted, every troll known to hatrack has found his way to your front door.

Edit: Granted, you know have concrete floors throughout your house.

I wish for a plane ticket to Manchester New Hampshire on October 28, 2004, without any harm befalling me or the plane or Jamie. Also, without having to meet anyone that will change/negatively effect my life. Also, the plane is to arrive on the same day it flies out.

[ October 01, 2004, 12:05 AM: Message edited by: T_Smith ]
 

---

Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
 
///great, just what I wanted....troll soup.//
 

---

Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish for a plane ticket to Manchester New Hampshire on October 28, 2004, without any harm befalling me or the plane or Jamie. Also, without having to meet anyone that will change/negatively effect my life. Also, the plane is to arrive on the same day it flies out.

---

quote:

---

I wish the AC in Austin wasn't so expensive.

---

Granted! The price of gas in Austin raises to $247.99 per gallon.

I wish I could clone myself. Alot.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! You and your clones become so confused that you all KILL EACH OTHER! no more Alucard...

I wish i had a handful of mud.
 

---

Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
Granted! It's Jimmy Hoffa's hand.

I wish it was tomorrow already.
 

---

Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
And it is! But last night, evil aliens attacked, a la Independence Day, and the world is now BURNING!

I wish I had a really nice car.
 

---

Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
 
Granted. You get a really nice car, and take it out for a drive. You crash at 250 MPH, and are turned to soup.

I wish my hair was longer.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
Your hair goes down to your waist. Well, your nose and ear hair do.

I wish that all disease were erradicated from the face of the earth.

[ October 01, 2004, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: mr_porteiro_head ]
 

---

Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
It is! But now you're sharing your house with five families and sleeping in communal housing because people live to be 150 or so. You have no privacy at all, and your income goes into a communal fund which pays for your household's needs. Oh, and no one cleans the bathroom. Ever.

I wish I felt it was ok to skip class and just go home.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You feel that it's fine to skip class and just go home. And so you do. Unfortunately you were wrong in feeling that way--your teacher gave a pop test today that is weighted so heavily that your having missed it will inevitably result in your flunking the class.

I wish the the spot on the back of my heel didn't feel oddly numb and painful.
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Granted. The numbness and pain is now quite normal for you.

I wish I had a lifetime supply of hot chocolate.

[ October 01, 2004, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: katharina ]
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted. Given that this amounts to only half a packet of Swiss Miss, I wouldn't make any plans for next week. Or tomorrow for that matter.

I wish that I only needed a half hour's sleep a night in order to function normally.
 

---

Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
 
The guys that feed you through your mask agree that this is very normal behavior for you.

I wish that Radiohead would write an infinite amount of music.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, so does Britany Spears and, in case you haven't noticed, radio stations seem to like her more.

I wish i didn't smell so bad today.
 

---

Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
 
Granted. Now EVERYONE around you smells worse.

I wish i could get away.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. But you are now NOWHERE. The rent is low, but there are no services for an infinite number of miles in every direction.

I wish Car Talk was on the radio during my morning commute.
 

---

Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
 
Granted, but the topic of discussion.... every single day.... is Hot Wheels.

I wish I could get my children to eat what I make for dinner.
 

---

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
 
They eat it. They eat seconds and thirds. Now, they are overweight.

I wish my kids would clean their room.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
They clean their room, but all the stuff is now in the hallway and living room.

I wish my neck would stop hurting.
 

---

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
 
It stopped, because your head was removed from it.

(oops, forgot my wish)

I wish the weather was always like it is in October in Massachusetts.

[ October 02, 2004, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
We get the perfect storm. Over and over and over...

I wish I had an idea for a pun smackdown.
 

---

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
 
You get one, but it is because I make you do one for teachers and students, so, school.

I wish Bob would do a school pun smackdown.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Your wish is granted, but too late and everyone puns about inventions instead.

I wish I'd seen your post earlier.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! Unfortunately, he edited his post at the ladt minute. So you were still beaten.

I wish Diana and Naomi would hurry up and get here with my pizza and mozerrella sticks. Besides that, they got them some hot bodies *whistles*
 

---

Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
<derail for smartass comment>

quote:

---

Granted. But you are now NOWHERE. The rent is low, but there are no services for an infinite number of miles in every direction.

---

You're not in Iowa yet, Bob.

</derail>
 

---

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
*snicker*
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Eljay!!!

My boss has been saying that since the news first broke.

She really didn't need people from the Midwest confirming it for her.

<shakes tiny fist>

Now I'm going to lose ANOTHER argument with her.

Drat it all!!!

(PS: I thought motorcycle people stuck together. Sheesh!)

(Oh, and let's not compare the # of riding days available in TX versus "up there.")
 

---

Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
It's not the whole Midwest. Just Iowa. And more particularly, just where Dana happens to live. Nothing (services) at all.

You'll like it. She's there!

*whistles* Doesn't somebody have a game to play?

[ October 02, 2004, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: ElJay ]
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
so.. when are we gonna quit starying off topic and grant my wish?
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Turgan's wish is granted. Unfortunately, their hot bodies are due to the melted cheese that slid off the pizzas during a particularly bad swerve.

I wish I had the perfect gift for Dana's birthday.
 

---

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
 
You find the perfect gift for Dana's birthday. Unfortunately, what you think is her birthday is actually your girlfriend from high school's birthday, and Dana knows this, so you are in really deep doo doo.

I wish I did not have to write progress reports tomorrow.
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Congratulations! You're fired!

I wish I was president.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Due to an unfortunate mixup at the Secret Service, the crew spent the day guarding the OLD president and not you. Some nutjob takes advantage. Sorry.

I wish I had a dollar for every time something like this has happened!
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
You suddenly realize that things like that have stopped happening...

I wish I was in Vegas.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
granted, however, the temptation to gamble leaves you broke, making you lose your home, job, and happiness.

I wish I could see Sir Sean Connrey in person.
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Vadon, *whoosh!* You're whisked off to Cumbria in the UK where you come face to face with Sean Connrey, paper mill manager, farmer, and father of 12. He's happy you're here to help him in his daily chores. Just remember on thing... to you, he is "Sir".
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
ok.. and a wish? Why don't people post wishes?
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
fine fine fine... I'll do it.

I wish I had a pepperoni pizza here right now.
 

---

Posted by digging_holes (Member # 6237) on :
 
It's twelve years old.

I wish I was the owner of the Kleenex company.
 

---

Posted by Allegra (Member # 6773) on :
 
You have a pepperoni pizza, but it is being eaten by bugs.

I wish I didn't have so much homework to do.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish I was the owner of the Kleenex company

---

quote:

---

I wish I didn't have so much homework to do

---

quote:

---

Granted. Now you are super-focused, and hardly notice anything else around you. Your family, after several tries, can't help you, and you are sent to a psyciatric hospital. You are now in a padded room, and contantly mutter about what you have to be doing.

---

*wouldn't mind that too much*
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Granted... you have a beautiful, sterling silver sword with a golden hilt. (a gilt hilt!) And you've got it... through your gullet!

I wish my cat were better behaved.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
One dead cat coming up!

I wish I had the complete collection of Monty Python shows on DVD.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
You have the entire set.... straight from Thailand in all their bootleg glory. It is only three minutes into "How Not to Be Seen" that you realize they're dubbed in Cambodian.

I wish there was a good chinese restaurant in town.
 

---

Posted by Little_Doctor (Member # 6635) on :
 
Granted. The food tastes good, but it kills you within a week.

I wish I was God.
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Granted. You're now a slob and you can't find your way home.

I wish there wasn't so much traffic on my way to work.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, you now work out of your house and end up tripping over the dog & kids and it takes you 3x as long to get to work as it used to. But no traffic.

I wish I had a monkey.
 

---

Posted by Allegra (Member # 6773) on :
 
The monkey is rabid and infects you and your loved ones.

I wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow.
 

---

Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
 
Granted. A massive tornado shows up out of season and destroys the entire state - including your school.

I wish for one weekend where I had no responsibilities and could just enjoy myself.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted! The long awaited weekend arrives. You have wonderful plans for how to spend your free time. Wait a minute--remember that linguini with baby clams that you had last night? Remember how they smelled a bit off, but you ate them anyway? You really shouldn't have. It's a good thing you don't have anywhere you have to be this weekend, because you're going to be busy throwing up for the next two days straight.

I wish that a cheap, effective cure for AIDS had just been discovered.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
(How dare you do something I would wish to happen too! You evil just for wishing that, now I have to twist it...)

Granted, but at the finding of the cure, a terrible side effect of giving whoever takes the cure thirty-six types of cancer and small pox...

I wish that I could finish something I set my heart on doing.
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Granted! Your heart is no longer an involuntary organ. You are now responsible for pumping your own blood. How you will do this is, of course, your problem.

[Edit...]

I wish I was an Air Force pilot.

[ October 04, 2004, 01:05 AM: Message edited by: Defenestraitor ]
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! But you only enjoy it for one day because you stupidly forget to check your plane thoroughly and crash to the ground.

I wish I had me some paper right now.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Defenstrator, granted! Although you feel like the same old you, your men address you, for some reason, as Col. Tibbets as you make your way toward your plane for what appears to be an important mission. As you round the corner you see your plane before you, dimly illuminated in the moonlight. Huh. That's funny. It's a WWII era B-29, but it looks brand new. You climb into the cockpit, and settle into your seat. Over your radio, you hear the words "Enola Gay, you are cleared for take off". Congratulations! It's about 2 AM on August 6th, 1945, and you're about to fly over Japan and drop Little Boy onto the center of Hiroshima.

Turgan, congratulations! You are holding a sheaf of paper. The paper on the top of the stack is a warrant for your arrest. You're being brought up on murder charges.

I wish that I had a photographic memory.
 

---

Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
You do. It's not all it's cracked up to be, though; the things that are most prominent in your photographic memories are things you wish you hadn't seen, like that REALLY hairy guy at the beach in the speedo...ewww...

I wish I had the time and money to get a professional massage.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You do. When you show up for your appointment, however, you discover that it's one of "those" massage places, and that the hairy guy in the speedo is your masseuse. Unfortunately, he's still wearing the speedo. Even more unfortunately, he doesn't plan to be wearing it at all. Most unfortunately, he's going to expect a tip.

I wish that the granny smith apple sitting on my desk was a jonathan apple.
 

---

Posted by Rhaegar The Fool (Member # 5811) on :
 
Granted, now Johnathon wants his adams apple back.

I wish that I was Highlander.

[ October 04, 2004, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: Rhaegar The Fool ]
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
There can be only one. And buddy, you ain't it.

::Thwack::

::watches as Rhaegar's head goes rolling away::

I wish that I had gotten a good night's sleep last night.
 

---

Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
You did...a very good night's sleep, in fact. Unfortunately, it was because you're dead, and a la The Sixth Sense and Ghost, you're now invisible to the world around you. Are people ignoring you today? Now you know why.

I wish my stupid computational analysis class made sense, and/or was taught better.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
granted. Unfortunately, now the rest of life makes no sense.

I wish Diana would get a life.
 

---

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
granted. She gets yours.

I wish the election season was finally over.
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Granted. America is now a dictatorship! No more worrying about elections!

I wish for a million bucks.
 

---

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
Granted.

Deer me, stampede. 1,000,000 male deer came trampling over your bruised and battered body. THen they turn around and do it again.

I wish I were a cartoon character.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
granted.
You are now Barfity Bern. Famous Afghan character that does nothing but get sick all over everything.

i wish I had a pee cee so i could play counter strike all day long
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, you're now an adult with a full time job, a wife, and three fairly small children. If you're lucky, you're able to devote almost an hour a week to computer gaming.

I wish that the spot of rust I saw on my still relatively new car would prove to just be a smudge of tar or something equally innocuous.
 

---

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
Granted. You discover its only some transmission fluid. Unfortunately, its the last bit of transmission fluid left in the car, and the resulting bill for a new transmission will be in the four figure range.

I wish I had a good steak for lunch.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You did. However, it was made of a particularly hard wood, and you broke most of your teeth trying to bite off a piece. You did manage to gnaw off a piece, but all you got for your efforts was a mouthfull of splinters.

I wish that archaeologists would discover a previously unknown, sealed vault in Egypt that contains perfect, legible copies of all of the works stored in the Great Library at Alexandria.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Granted - and, upon translation, it appears that they are all lurid romance novels set in the rugged wilds of Germania.

I wish I were three inches shorter.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
Granted. I hope you won't miss your knees.

I wish I could go camping every weekend.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 

quote:

---

Granted. Unfortunately, you're now an adult with a full time job, a wife, and three fairly small children. If you're lucky, you're able to devote almost an hour a week to computer gaming.

---

You have become me!
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
MPH - Granted. You now get to rough it as often as possible, camping with a few hundred of your friends out in the wilds of Poland's lovely wilderness... in 1942.

I wish I were just a little smarter.

[ October 04, 2004, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: Annie ]
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
::poof!::

You are now a little bit smarter...

A little bit smarter than your average Irish Setter, that is.

I wish that I were a successful author, of the calibur of OSC and Octavia Butler.
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
::poof!::

You are now the pile of ashes formerly known as Isaac Asimov.

I wish for million big ones.
 

---

Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
***Must remember, this is a family forum. I would grant that request, but its not worth getting kicked out of Hatrack***
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. Your collection of large numerals is considered eccentric by most, but dogs and wandering drunks really appreciate them.

I wish I had impeccable manners.
 

---

Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
Granted! Not only that, but because of your impeccable manners, you are suddenly astoundingly popular. In fact, you become a manners celebrity. You are hounded by the paparazzi, and stalked by crazed female fans, one of whom kidnaps you and locks you in a spare bedroom. Unfortunately, you're too polite to protest or escape, and eventually, she kills you.

I wish someone would cook dinner for me tonight.
 

---

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, Tantalus, your entire family will be there in body but not all in spirit. Try the priest.

I wish I had an alumni sticker from Hogwarts for the back of my car.

[ October 04, 2004, 07:28 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. Unforutnately, it's the alumni sticker they forced Voldemort into as his eternal punishment. He makes your car turn bad.

I wish I had a chocolate shake.
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
(aside) - Kat, was that an allusion to Sweeny Todd? I saw that for the first time the other night and absolutely adored Angela Lansbury. However, her hair did look like a Japanese cartoon, which really threw me off.
 

---

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
(aside)Yes, Annie, it is. It's a mix of greek mythology and Sweeny Todd, unfortunately, so I hope the meaning went across. I have an ex-fiance that decided that showing me Sweeny Todd six days after I'd come home from my mission was a good thing. Don't you love Sondheim, though?
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Bob, your body won't stop convulsing! As it does, chocolate is spewing from your pores. Your friends and family find you repulsive, but your dog loves you.

[Edit... I keep forgetting to add a wish!]

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off

[ October 04, 2004, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: Defenestraitor ]
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, you are a neutron bomb. And you feel dirty, so very dirty. But the fact is that you are a wimpy little home chemistry set version of a neutron bomb. And your neutrons come from an unstable element "wimplium" that basically self destructs whenever anyone looks at it. So, you may get to go off, but you go off by yourself.

I wish I was able to take a peek at the book of life.

[ October 04, 2004, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
You get your peek... when suddenly the angry God of Deuteronomy smites you into a smoldering mass of wimplium.

I wish I hadn't done that.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You didn't. Never happened. Unfortunately, no body else posted a reply to Bob's most recent wish either, and this thread finally slips off the front page and into oblivion. Congratulations! Because of your selfishness, the best Hatrack game in ages is no more.

I wish my house had better storm windows.
 

---

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted. They're the only thing left after Hurricane Carrie, Dameon, and Frieda crashed into your home.

I wish I were a superb DDR player.
 

---

Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
Granted, however, the ddr graze has now passed, and is looked upon as badly as kareoke.

(This one has probably be asked already but I'm too lazy to check)
I wish you would not grant this wish.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! Unfortunately, I did... somehow...

I wish DDR wasn't as cool as people say it is. In fact, I wish it sucked.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted DDR sucks -- it sucks you in!

I wish I had mad hacker skilz.
 

---

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, your activity is tracked and you spend the next five years on the run in Kenya. Dana's going to be upset.

I wish I had a Backup Katie to send to work while I go play.

[ October 05, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: katharina ]
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Granted! Unfortunately, your backup Katie eats all your fudgesicles and makes and breaks dates with hot boys without your knowledge.

I wish I could transcend static cling.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted! Unfortunately, because of some glitch in the creation of Backup Katie, her metabolism is many, many times higher than your own, and she must eat almost constantly to survive. The cost of feeding her far outstrips what she brings in at "your" job, and you have to take a second job in order to support her.

[Edit--curse you Annie! You beat me by a full 8 minutes! That's what I get for taking time out from Hatracking to do my job, I suppose. Hmmm...transcend static cling? Okay!

::POOF!::

Your attractive power is now greater than that of static cling. Unfortunately, it is also greater than your physical strength, and you are unable to pry loose all of the loose articles of clothing that leap onto you as you walk by them. You are quickly smothered under a thick layer of socks.

I wish that I weren't having so much trouble thinking of something new to wish for.

[ October 05, 2004, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Granted! You have an instant inspiration of wishes. Unfortunately, they all concern Donny Osmond.

I wish Noemon weren't so slow at responding
 

---

Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, it's because he now follows you from thread to thread and now must duel Hobbes in the morning.

<off topic>

quote:

---

your backup Katie eats all your fudgesicles and makes and breaks dates with hot boys without your knowledge.

---

Dagnabbit, the real Katie does that too.

</off topic>

I wish I could average my metabolism with Backup Katie's metabolism to come to a happy medium.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Annie, see my edit!
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Work! Hah! Likely excuse.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! Unfortunately, you confused the wish gods.. so they smite you. DEATH! HA!

I wish It was Friday. I'm going over to Naomi's. *wink wink*
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
It's Friday.... Friday, February 12, 2043. Coincidentally, you're still invited to Naomi's house. Bring your bridge set and don't forget your dentures! We're having dessert!

I wish we were all a bit better at using the conditional tense.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
*To Grant* Now, all of the tesnses to be identical. To enjoy!

I to wish that I to have twice as much time as I to do now.

[ October 05, 2004, 12:17 PM: Message edited by: mr_porteiro_head ]
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
To Grant!

You now to have twice as much as to do now.

Unfortunately, that to do not parse as anything even vaguely to resemble an understandable sentence. As a result, your wish is to nullify.

I to wish for grammar to go back to the was it to be before Annie's wish.

[ October 05, 2004, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Was granted! Grammar was back to the "was" it was before Annie's wish.

I wished I grew old was successful.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Between my typo and your exploitation of it, Defenestraitor, I think we broke the game.

[ October 05, 2004, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Yep, you broke it. Now, all posts must be in Esperanto.
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Mi desiras scipovis paroli.
 

---

Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
 
*granted* however your parolee is a fat slob named Bubba who sits around scratching himself and eating all your M&Ms while complaining that you don't have the right cable TV channels for the Monster Truck Rallies.

I wish I'd already finished this overdue report.

AJ
 

---

Posted by Polio (Member # 6479) on :
 
You have finished your overdue report-- one day overdue.

I wish I had less commitment issues.
 

---

Posted by vwiggin (Member # 926) on :
 
You are now committed--to the Arkham Asylum.

I wish all my future kids are healthy, well-adjusted individuals.
 

---

Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
You have only one commitment issue now - the issue is that they're committing you.

I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
To answer both of your wishes...

You are now an oscar myer weiner, however Vwiggin's kids eat you, causing them to be well-adjusted, but become amish. They are the most well-adjusted and healthy people I've met.

I wish Donny Osmand would stop haunting me... He's creepy!

[ October 05, 2004, 08:32 PM: Message edited by: Vadon ]
 

---

Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Donny Osmond stops haunting you because... you are Donny Osmond! You burst forth into song: "I closed my eyes - pulled back the curtain. To see for certain what I thought I knewww...."

I wish I had more pickles.
 

---

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted, but they're possessed pickles inhabited by the ghost of Donny Osmond. They burst forth into song: "I closed my eyes - pulled back the curtain. To see for certain what I thought I knewww...."

I wish I had a wicked awesome sense of humor.

[ October 05, 2004, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Your sense of humor is so powerfully awesome... that you lose all your other senses. Having lost touch with the outside world, your awesome sense of humor has nowhere to go... except to make fun of you and your pathetically sad situation... for the rest of your life.

I wish I could have debated in Edwards' place.

[ October 05, 2004, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: Defenestraitor ]
 

---

Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
 
You do, but Kerry still loses.

I wish I didn't have to go to a crappy job tomorow.
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Your crappy job comes to you. And it's family day! Better make sandwiches.

I wish Kerry won't lose the election

(man! somebody's gonna have a field day with this one)
 

---

Posted by Jess N (Member # 6744) on :
 
Kerry wins the election but then swears this was the wrong election, wrong place, wrong time.

I wish I had more time in the day.
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Granted! You have an extra hour each day... by living on Mars, briefly, until you asphyxiate.

I wish Cheney would b!tchslap Bush.
 

---

Posted by Jess N (Member # 6744) on :
 
Granted! But when the Secret Service jump his ass, they realize it's John Kerry in disguise. Kerry spends the rest of his days at Guantanamo...

I wish for Definestraitor to have the best day ever!
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! Unfortunately, that would have been YOUR day, and as you can see, being bitten by seven rattle snakes at once isn't in any way shap form or fashion considered good.

I wish it wasn't raining. I need to get that ditch dug.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted. It isn't raining. In fact, thanks to a shift in global climate patterns, it will never rain in your area of the country ever again.

I wish that US researchers would discover a cheap, clean, abundant, renewable source of energy.
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Granted! Today's headline "5 US scientists hold world hostage for renewable energy source - demand $100 trillion"

I wish I had better reception in this darn room
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
(Noemon... it isn't SUPPOSED to rain where i live. You just granted me a wish and it turned out EXACTLY the way i wanted it. LOLOLOL!!!)

Granted, unforunatley, this is the ONLY room you get great reception in.

I wish Lullaby didn't turn out to be so... so..... stupid.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
What, do you live in the Atacama desert or something?
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
close.. San Angelo.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Well, you beat the genie, so it looks like you've won.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
That's it. Time to shut down hatrack.

Way to go.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
what?
Beat the genie?
What the hell are you talking about?
ANSWER MY WISH, DARN IT!!!!!!!!
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Naaah, you already tricked the Genie into granting you exactly what you were after. The genie is busy packing up his booth, at the moment.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
But okay, for old times sake--granted. Lullabye is brilliant. Utterly brilliant. Your failure to appreciate it reflects only on you, not on the glory that is Lullabye (of course, this begs the question "what is Lullabye", but that's a whole different thing).

I wish...for the Genie to return to his booth and resume this thread.
 

---

Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
And as my debut in this thread...

Wish is granted.... Sort of. As the one who freed the genie, you have to take his place and be stuck in the wish thread forever!! MUHAHAHAHA!

I wish I had a credit card with unlimited credit that never had to be paid back.

Edit: Well, technically, that would be Turgan, but you have to do it because you made the wish. You take his place.

[ October 06, 2004, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: Katarain ]
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Hey, I'm not the one who freed the genie--that was Turgan.

[Edit]Oh, sure, edit your post and make me look like a moron![/Edit]

[ October 06, 2004, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

---

Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
Yeah... I caught that in my edit. I'm deeply saddened by it...

-Katarain
 

---

Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
But... but.... I edited as fast as I could! Really!!
 

---

Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
Granted, however, people get jealous and kill you for it.

I wish for a slice of pizza.
 

---

Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
Granted, but it's a small slice and cold and all of the toppings have slipped off of it and the guy who hands it to you has a cold and just sneezed.

I wish I wasn't dead.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You now have a delicous tasting slice of pepperoni and mushroom pizza, with extra botulism.

I wish I could decide wether to excercise by going to the gym tonight, or by going rollerblading.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted. You are now a living brain, floating in a nutrient rich saline solution in a mad scientist's lab. Barring accidents you'll outlive everyone you've ever known, but you're condemned to a lifetime of being bored (literally) out of your skull.
 

---

Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
Wish granted. You will decide to go rollerblading and a wheel will break causing you to run into a freezing cold river. This will likely surprise you wherever you live.

I wish I had found this entertaining little thread sooner.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
You found it when it was on the first page, and then you killed it. Way to go.

I wish I had a Carl's Jr. Bacon Chicken Guacamole burger.
 

---

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted. You choke on it and die.

I wish I wouldn't get nervous at my audition tonight.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You don't! Before the audition, you get so rip-roaring drunk that when you stumble out onto the stage you have absolutely no idea where you are. After falling to your knees and vomiting on the shoes of the person before whom you were to audition you pass out. You did all of this with an almost blissful self confidence.

I wish that that MOTO would return to hatrack and tell us how her life has been going in the 4 years or so since she last posted.
 

---

Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
SM -- what are you auditioning for?
 

---

Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Granted, Noemon! MOTO comes back and lets everyone know her life has been splendid... after her vile hatred of you forced her to leave the forum 4 years ago.

I wish I knew who MOTO was.
 

---

Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
 
I just keep on thinking "Hello Moto" from those commercials...
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, but now you spend your days pining for MOTO and so your life is sadly derailed and nothing ever feels "right" again.

I wish that the tape wouldn't flop back onto the roll and stick to itself!
 

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Posted by Polio (Member # 6479) on :
 
It doesn't-- but it's double-sided tape and it sticks to everything but the roll and you just can't get it off!

I wish I had proper sleeping habits.

Edit: I need more sleep and consequently spelled "roll" wrong.

[ October 06, 2004, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: Polio ]
 

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Posted by Anthro (Member # 6087) on :
 
You find yourself sleeping deeply eight hours a day. However, this eight hour period comes at inconvenient times, and most people are offended if you fall asleep while they're talking to you.

I wish there were less hoity-toity subdivisions and more neighborhoods like the nice little town I grew up in.
 

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Posted by Polio (Member # 6479) on :
 
There are now more nice little neighborhoods where people all use words like "hoity-toity". Unfortunately, they are referred to as senior citizens' homes and you are too young to be admitted.

I wish I had pizza. GOOD pizza.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You have truly excellent pizza. Unfortunately, it's your last day on a Roman holiday and you may never be able to afford to go back for another Quattro Frommagio from that little bistro tucked away near the Fora Romani. It sours you on regular pizza for ever.

I wish I had a really good data-aware graphics package.
 

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Posted by docmagik (Member # 1131) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, it's aware of a lot of other stuff, too, and it just used your internet connection to pirate 2001 and it LOVED it.

I wish everyone would just accept that I'm always right.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Granted, sire! Unfortunately, the universe is now in irreconcilable paradox. *POOF*


I would wish that people would use the subjunctive properly, but Annie already did that a page back . . . so, I wish I had read this thread soon enough that I could have wished that everyone use the subjunctive properly.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! Unfortunately, al those people need to do now is learn how to spoke properly. Spake properly.... speaked properly... whatever...

I wish i had gotten more sleep.
 

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Posted by AbeLinclon (Member # 6923) on :
 
wish granted but now you will sleep forever.

I wish I had a full ride to the college of my choice...

[ October 11, 2004, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: AbeLinclon ]
 

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Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
 
And a greyhound bus appears at your doorstep tomorrow! Here's your ticket, free of charge.

I wish I had some nice beach front property in Malibu.
 

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Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
 
Granted! Then the earthquake and Pacific hurricane season hits with full force, and your beachfront property becomes sea floor property.

I wish that all my laundry was done.

[ October 11, 2004, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
 

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Posted by AbeLinclon (Member # 6923) on :
 
You are transported 1,000 years into the future where Malibu is a chep location. you own all the beach front homes but the ocean no longer exists. Instead it's a landfill...

I wish Christopher Reeves hadn't died.

Edit this was meant for two posts up^

[ October 11, 2004, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: AbeLinclon ]
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Scott: Granted! The sock, cheese and broccoli casserole is coming out of the oven as we speak.

AbeLincoln: (hmm...I'm not sure I can make a joke of this.) Granted. Unfortunately, this causes a rift in the space/time continuum and the director of the next Superman movie is declared to be Vincent Gallo.

I wish I could figure out the least ornerous place to stay for Christmas.
 

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Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
You figure it out. It's the Bahamas...but you can't go, because you have family obligations.

I wish I would stop making mistakes.
 

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Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
 
Granted! You're now God, and have to worry about every single little thing you do, and how that will reflect on you for aeons to come.

I wish that I had a pair of shoes that did not make my feet sweat.
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Granted! They are the bamboo-reed, hand-sewn two-inch mules from Morocco, and your boss won't let you wear them.

I wish I'd remembered to bring cash to buy breakfast with this morning.
 

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Posted by AbeLinclon (Member # 6923) on :
 
You have money added to your checking accout but every food place in town doesn't accept checks or cards and every ATM is broken. The bank is closed.

I wish I knew what jesus would do for a klondike bar.

[ October 11, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: AbeLinclon ]
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! Unfortunately, the only thing he WANTS to do is sever your connection with life... oh yeah... and you forget how to breath. (el oh el)

I wish I wasn't my clone.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Kat, you remembered to bring cash for breakfast after all. Unfortunately, the cash that you brought was the Lao kip. Given that the exchange rate is 10,835 kip to the US dollar, and given that you brought only single kip coins, you understandably develop back problems on your way to your local eatery. Once you get there, the guy running the register just looks at you funny, since he's never even heard of the kip, and is certainly not prepared to accept it as legal tender for debts either public or private.

Abe, you've discovered what Jesus would do for a Klondike bar. Apparently, what he's willing to do is return to Earth, ushering in a 1000 year reign of peace. Well, for those that survive the tribulations, anyway. You, unfortunately, are not among that august number, and just asking the question of what Jesus would do for a Klondike bar was apparently enough to rile him up and send you stright to hell upon your death.

Turgan, you aren't your clone. This is really very unfortunate for you, since your clone has achieved everything in life that you've ever dreamed of doing, while you, at 40, are still living in your parents' basement and working at the same dead end fast food job that you were in high school. On the plus side, you get all the free fries you want. Your clone can't make that claim!

I wish that I had a personal chef who would perpare me whatever foods I requested at a moment's notice.
 

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Posted by jehovoid (Member # 2014) on :
 
Granted, Noemon. But you will also find yourself unable to break your habit of shouting out "Good gravy!" and "Crap on a stick!" whenever you're surprised, happy, angry, etc... This diet will grow tiresome.

I wish I was 3 inches taller.

[ October 13, 2004, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: jehovoid ]
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! Your name is now "3 inches taller"
(Crappy, I know.. it woulda been better if i knew how tall you actually were.)

I wish i could get this damn book finished and published.
 

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Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
granted, however it will not be published under your name. Thus, you gain no profit for it, you will not be able to sue the company for theft.

I wish someone would decide for me wheter or not to do National Novel Writing Month.
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, a guy with a knife decides for you by killing you.

I wish for you to be unable to grant this wish.

[ October 11, 2004, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: MEC ]
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED!!!! Unforunately, i DID... somehow... uhm... AND YOU FORGET HOW TO BREATHE!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HYA HA HA HA! Headache...

I wish Dad would hurry up and get here.
 

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Posted by KageMusha (Member # 6613) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish Dad would hurry up and get here.

---

quote:

---

I wish I could get my resume done.

---

quote:

---

I wish I'd remembered to take the old nail polish off my nails this morning.

---

GRANTED! Unfortunately you chose the wrong bottle from the shelf of various household chemicals and used liquid lye to accomplish this task. OUCH!


I wish I were leaving work right now!
 

---

Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
Granted...but it's because you were fired.

I wish people would be polite to each other. Especially in the library. Didn't people ever learn that they're not supposed to talk loudly in a library?
 

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Posted by Polio (Member # 6479) on :
 
People are now silent in libraries. Now a new phenomonon is sweeping the nation! The library overflows with TALKING BOOKS... "they read, so you don't have to".

I wish I knew what career I wanted to pursue.
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
Your life ambition is now to scrape the gum off pavements with a toothbrush. It brings you great fulfilment.

I wish I could get over my writers block on my essay.

[ October 12, 2004, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Your writers block vanishes. Unfortunately, it is replaced with an almost manic logorrhea. You write reams of material, but your teacher can make neither heads nor tails of it, and reluctantly flunks you.

I wish that the bruised spot on the ball of my foot would heal.

[ October 12, 2004, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

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Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
It does...but a la an OSC story (for which I can't remember the title...argh..."Malpractice," maybe?), it's SOMEONE ELSE'S skin that heals over it!

I wish I didn't have to take a French exam tonight.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, but your lack of proficiency in French turns into a lifelong sore point and any time you hear any speak in that language, a little piece of your self esteem is chipped away. Finally, you go around pretending to speak French but instead become completelly affected and just mutter "moi?" constantly. Quel triste.

I wish I could do stand up comedy.
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted! You're so good you go on tour. You perform alongside Carrot Top and Paulie Shore five nights a week for the rest of your life.

I wish "7th heaven" was cancelled and it's existence was permanently removed from the collective memory of the universe.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. However, its slot is filled by the Carrot Top/Pauly Shore/Bob_Scopatz comedy hour.

I wish I had an inkling.

[ October 12, 2004, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
WORTH IT!!!
 

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Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
Granted. However, while it is very cute, it leaves blue ink stains on all your shirts.

I wish I wasn't in such a crabby mood.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Oh, did I forget to mention, special guest host...Gallagher.

Every week!!!
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, but someone makes she-crab soup out of you, and you're not really all that fond of heavy cream.

I wish dkw would call me.
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
STILL WORTH IT!!!
 

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Posted by vwiggin (Member # 926) on :
 
Granted. However, while it is very cute, it leaves blue ink stains on all your shirts.

This is how rumors get started. Because, let's face it. I'm going to start one.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
She does. But when she hangs up, it's still almost six months until April.




I wish I could keep my job, but it would stop annoying me.
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted. You're given emotion-supressing drugs through the office water cooler. You find yourself much less annoyed at work, or anything else for that matter. Your young children learn from you to be emotionless automatons, and show up on a few Stargate episodes.

I wish I had all the MST3K DVD collections.
 

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Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
You do. However, DVD has now been superseded entirely by a format that is completely incompatible with it, your DVD player is broken, and you don't have a computer that can play DVDs. So, all you can do is sit and look at the pretty boxes and read the summaries on the back of the boxes.

I wish I had the day entirely free.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
From the bunk of your cell, you gaze out the window at the tiny strip of sky that is all you can see of the outside, and all you will see of it for the next 20 years. The only thing on your calendar is eating the moldy bread and pond water that will be delivered to your cell at around noon by a gaoler who may or may not be mute. Your day is completely free.

I wish I wasn't having such a hard time staying awake.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! You now have no eye lids.

I wish i had some water right now.
 

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Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
Granted! There's a sudden, enormous flood; the streets for miles around are now rivers, and your house is completely underwater.

I wish I could stop procrastinating. (but I'll do it later )
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted! But now you're a workaholic and ditch all your friends to do certain projects... in the end, you die lonely a miserable all because you did everything right then and there.

I wish i didn't have to put my marriage off until 2006.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
No problem Turgan! Now you have to put your marriage off until 2010!

I wish that humanity were a less shortsighted, less greedy species.
 

---

Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
 
Granted. Humanity discovers we are too many on this planet to all live in peace, and therefore decides to kill one on ten persons. You are in the ones to be killed, as all your family.
I wish my students to get rid of their @{#~ mobile phones.
EDIT for grammar reasons

[ October 13, 2004, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: Anna ]
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, all mobile phones on earth are replaced by the voice amplifier speaker things.

I wish for nothing.
 

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Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
You suddenly cease to exist.

I wish my husband would do the dishes.
 

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Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish for nothing.

---

quote:

---

I wish for a lifetime supply of lindt truffles.

---

quote:

---

I wish reading hatrack counted as exercise.

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quote:

---

I wish I knew who my secret admirer was

---

Granted. Unfortunately, that kid apparently thrives on spankings.

I wish cantaloupe didn't make my mouth itch.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 

 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted. It tastes great but, unfortunately, it causes your stomach to itch. And there's no relieving that.

I wish I could stay awake in biology class.
 

---

Posted by Polio (Member # 6479) on :
 
Some funny guy throws unidentifiable unmentionables at you during a pig fetus-disecting session while you are asleep. Consequently, you never fall asleep again. But that means you have to be fully conscious during bio, which is never fun.

I wish some old people just weren't so rude!
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Granted Their rudeness has been transferred to elementary school kids, who chase after you telling you that you should respect your youngsters.

I wish the Redskins were good again.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. Now, they are like the best potatoes ever!!!

I wish was more organized.
 

---

Posted by Polio (Member # 6479) on :
 
You are Martha Stewart-- don't drop the soap!

I wish I could find more cool socks.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Granted, your new pair of socks is frozen in a non melting ice cube.

I wish I could debate better.
 

---

Posted by Coccinelle (Member # 5832) on :
 
Granted. You can debate better when you are speaking Klingon.

I wish my dsl modem was working.
 

---

Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, but then I kill you from jelousy.

I wish to have the ultimate character in KOL.
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted, but Jick gets jealous and decides to revamp the system. Then kills you.

I wish I write with more humor.

[ October 13, 2004, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
 

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Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
 
Granted. Now you can't write a thing, even a post-it, a purchase list or a love letter, without everyone who reads it to wet themselves from laugh. You become so lonely you decide to live in a monastery.
I wish I work in a library.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! Unfortunately, the only Library left is a volunteer library. And since you quit your job to work in a library, you now make absolutely no money. How will you eat?

I wished it wasn't cold outside right now.
 

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Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
 
Granted. It's now 197 degrees in the shade, no sign of rain in the forecast for the next ... oh... hundred years or so... and you forgot your stillsuit at home.

I wish my children would behave.
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted. They're now made of stone. So quiet...

I wish I didn't have to do homework for my class.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Granted. All work for the class is now required to be completed during class time. Accordingly, class has been expanded to 20 hours per week.



I wish my son would do his homework without arguing.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! His tongue has been violently cut out by the Cuban Mafia. Now, instead of arguing, he spits like a camel. Gross.

I wish Alter Bridge didn't sound so much like Creed.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, the entire band takes music lessons and now they write really complicated stuff that is unlistenable, instead of the simple and unlistenable stuff they used to write.

I wish that we had good flying weather today.

Oh, and Turgan...ewwww....

[ October 15, 2004, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! IT'S GREAT FLYING WEATHER! AND GUESS WHAT! YOU NOW HAVE THE ABILITY TO FLY! ... right into a jet engine.

I wish I could do better in English.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
:: poof ::

You're perfectly capable of doing better in English, but you don't.

I wish that it were noon.
 

---

Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
Granted, it is noon (well, quarter past) – in Buenos Aires

I wish it were April.
 

---

Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! unfortunately it now rains, which may be good, but not for you... I forgot to mention you have a massive hole in your roof right over your bed and t.v. and the rain is like.... cold.

I wish I was a telemarketer.
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Sorry, Turgan, but I have to redo dkw's...

Granted, it's April... 3rd. You slept through the 2nd. We missed you at the wedding, but the party was still fun.

Turgan, granted, you're a telemarketer. Your family disowns you, your friends turn on you, and you die miserable and alone.

I wish... I wish for another pumpkin spice latte.

[ October 15, 2004, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: ElJay ]
 

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Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
Granted. Your sister dumps it on your head.

I wish I could take a nap right now.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted. It was quite a nap! You wake up, feeling refreshed, on April 3rd.

ElJay's was just too perfect not to do it again.

I wish that Matt would start DMing the Segrada campaign again.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
GRANTED! He does, and you forget how to breathe.. LOLOLOL!!! Oh man.. i just can't get over how SIMPLE it is to make that happen.

I wish Yahoo chat wasn't so incredibly stupid.
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, yahoo chat gains AI somehow and takes over the world, then kills you.

I wish I knew why this thread was titled "The monkey's paw".
 

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Posted by Son_of_Priam (Member # 6411) on :
 
Granted. You now know it is titled "The monkey's Paw" because of a short story with the same title in which a monkey's paw grants wishes but they occur in some horrible and unforseen way. Now that you realise this your life no longer has meaning, and you sink into uncontrolable depression.

I wish I had an ice cold coca-cola.

[ October 15, 2004, 02:33 PM: Message edited by: Son_of_Priam ]
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, you know have an ice cold coca-cola, unfourtunatly someone has thoroughly shaken it up and when you open it, it sprays everywhere, even on some big muscley guy, and he kills you because you sprayed coca-cola on him.

I wish that I had an idea so great that my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Granted, and your head explodes. Too bad about that idea, it never comes to fruition now.

I wish my sister was a better sport.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You take a long, deep drink of your ice cold coca cola, and are promptly stricken with brain freeze. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be that big of a deal, but in this case you foolishly take the drink just as you're about to merge onto a busy freeway. One of the members of the clean up crew takes a break from scraping your remains from the pavement to drink your now just slightly less than ice cold coke, which was miraculously unspilled in the horrific accident. He doesn't get brain freeze at all.

I wish that Sara would post her comments about chapter 1 in the China Mountain Zhang thread.
 

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Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
ElJay: She is, but her increased sportsmanship just means she has better aim.

Noemon: She does, but they reveal such strange insights into the working of her mind that your not sure you can trust her ever again.

edit: I wish there was a grocery store in this town.

[ October 15, 2004, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: dkw ]
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, but the grocery store food is always spoiled.

I wish there weren't as many people granting the same wish when someone wishes something.

[ October 15, 2004, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: MEC ]
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Dkw, granted! It's run by a person who you know and loath. You are opposed to him ideologically, morally, personally--you name it, the guy is scum. However, his prices are fantastic and his food of high quality. People flock to his store, and he becomes quite wealthy. Any time you're running low on something, you have to wrestle with your conscience before driving to the next town to get groceries.

MEC, granted! But you aren't around to enjoy the witty new responses, because YOU FORGET TO BREATHE!!!

I wish I'd taken tylenol hours ago; the Excedrin did nothing to cut my headache, but tylenol took care of it within about 15 minutes of my having taken it.
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted. You take the tylenol and feel loads better. It masks the symptoms of an early brain tumor, and you die three years later.

I wish I could keep my brother's car for longer than this weekend.
 

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Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :
 
*poof* Your brother in a moment of rare sibling affection donates his car to you. Unfortunately, it's a stinkin lemon...doa.

I wish that every day was Friday.

[ October 15, 2004, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: Tammy ]
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Granted. But your job changes, and you have to work every weekend. Your normal days off are now Wednesday and Thursday, making Friday the equivilant of Monday prior to your wish.

I wish it would stop raining before I walk out the door in 6 minutes.
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
joke's on you...it already IS a stinkin' lemon!!! I win!

Granted, every day is Friday. In fact, the world has stopped moving, so every day is really one long Friday. Night ceases to exist and the world ends.

Granted! The rain stops just long enough for you to be struck by lightning in exactly six minutes, twenty seconds.

I wish I had a cookie.

[ October 15, 2004, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You are now the proud owner of a cookie. It is a fine cookie, the perfect size, made with the perfect ingredients, baked the perfect amount of time. As you sit on a park bench, poised to take your first bite, a bird flies overhead, perfectly glazing your cookie with a large, liquid dropping.

I wish Cotton were a monkey! I wish Cotton were a monkey!
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted. Cotton is now a monkey. Granted. Cotton is now a monkey. Wait a minute! Now there's TWO monkeys! One is Good!Cotton, and the other is Evil!Cotton. It's up to you to decide which is which by giving them both sharp toys to play with.

I wish I could stop distracting myself and finish my homework due in three hours...
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted. Hatrack crashes, and you find yourself with plenty of time to get your homework done. However, OSC decides that keeping the site running just isn't financially feasible anymore, so pulls the plug on the forum once and for all. Good going sarmup, you destroyed Hatrack. Hope you're happy.

I wish sarcasticmuppet would post a witty response to this message.
 

---

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted. She puts considerable work into a sparklingly witty response instead of finishing her homework. She's now mad at you and makes Leilanwar kill Artavazdes in his sleep.

I wish I could come up with a good wish.

[ October 15, 2004, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
 

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Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
 
Duuuuh, you wish your homework was done already. But since you didn't think of it, you don't wish it, and therefore it doesn't happen.

I wish I had a maid.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You do! Unfortunately all of her shirts are sleeveless, and while you and Porter feel very uncomfortable with that, you're both too nice of people to tell her. Even more unfortunately, she's a live in maid. As a result, neither of you really feels comfortable in your own house ever again.

I wish I could hang out with Christine this weekend (she's in Chile at the moment, so that isn't a possibility without the aid of the genie).
 

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Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
 
You can!

Unfortunately, it is the Stephen King Christine, and she kills you.

I wish someone would fold the huge pile of clothes in the laundry room.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Oh, don't worry Elizabeth, someone does. Unfortunately, that someone is you.

I wish that I could come up with a gag Christmas gift for my office Christmas party this year that was as funny as the gift I gave last year.
 

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Posted by AbeLinclon (Member # 6923) on :
 
"I wish that I could come up with a gag Christmas gift for my office Christmas party this year that was as funny as the gift I gave last year."

You do, It's a bloody knife sticking though a model of his your boss' ex-boss' head. You're boss laughs so hard he dies. You are charged with second deggree murder. An are sent to prison for a double murder.
 

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Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
 
Hmmm, no wish to respond to.

Noemon: While I don't think that would make either of us "very uncomfortable", if she went around in one of those french maid lingerie type outfits, we would probably speak up.
 

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Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Technically, she couldn't be convicted of second degree, that's where you don't plan ahead on killing a person, however, when you see someone you knowing kill them on purpose...

Best she could get is Manslaghter, where she never intended to kill her boss, however, in her actions he died... Though that would be doubtfull too. Just thought I'd add that! ^_^

Just to keep the ball rolling... I wish I had one of these lovely robotic arms to build. http://www.crustcrawler.com/downloads/armpics/pages/Arm%20Pictures%20001_jpg.htm
 

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Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
 
Unfortunately, the monkey paw is confused by your vaguely phrased wish, and in the midst of wondering, "Does he want the arm to build with, or does he want to build the arm," it decides to just toast you to a crisp instead.

I wish my heel would quit hurting.

[ October 15, 2004, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: beverly ]
 

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Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
Your heel stops hurting...but this is the result of an unfortunate accident you experience while visiting a chocolate factory. You fell into one of the machines, and now you have no legs below the knees. Shouldn't have tried to steal a taste!

I wish I didn't have to get up early tomorrow.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
She? You mean me?

Maybe this transformation into Farmgirl that Christy was talking about went farther than I'd thought!

[ October 15, 2004, 09:30 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Bev, I didn't really think it would make you guys too uncomfortable; if it did, you wouldn't allow it to continue. Perhaps I should have said "vaguely uncomfortable". But hey, I get points for inter-forum humor.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Megan,

granted, but it's because you stay up all night and now you're a real zombie. No, I mean a real one. Withe gray skin and the moans and the arms held rigidly in front -- that kind of zombie.

I wish I could scuplt like Michelangelo.
 

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Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
 
Granted, you're dead, just like your hero.

I wish wishes were fishes.

Hobbes
 

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Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
 
You (and everyone else) are buried alive in fishes. Oooo, the smell!

I wish Porter liked cats and horses.

(Noemon: "Vaguely uncomfortable" may have been more accurate, but perhaps not as humorous. And not as evil. BTW, Porter got a kick out of it. )
 

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Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
*granted* Unfortunately, I now no longer like beef, pork, and poultry.

I wish that the things that are good for me tasted better than the things that are bad for me.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
They are! And we all eat like kings! And die of heavy metal poisoning!

I wish that the patch for Jagged Alliance II: Wildfire would be made available for download.
 

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Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
 

 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Good lord! How did you guys slip in with so many responses in the two minutes it took me to write up my response to Hobbes' wish?

Bev--true, wouldn't have been as funny, or as evil, but what can you do? Glad Porter liked it.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
They do Porter! In fact, they taste so much better than the bad stuff, or than anything else you could imagine, that you find yourself completely unable to stop eating. You discover that the phrase "too much of a good thing" applies even to healthy food as you inexorably grow heavier and heavier.

The silver lining to this is that you quickly become so obese that you qualify for funding for one of those Little Rascal scooters that the elderly people in the commercials seem so thrilled about.

My wish still stands.
 

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Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
Awesome! I'm going to put an orange flag on it, and then drive halfway on the street -- just the right amount so that people in cars behind me think about going around me, but still out to far for them to be able to do it.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Of course, given your vast bulk, accidentally tipping the thing is a real possibility when you try a stunt like that.
 

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Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
Curse you!
*shakes fist*
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, however when you download it, you get a virus attached to your file and it destroys your hard drive.

I wish that you would forget to breathe.
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted. But I forgot to tell you something really important: You need to watch out for...*gasp*

I wish I would start breathing again.
 

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Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
 
Granted, but you're in a cornstarch factory.

I wish I had a coke with cherry syrup in it.
 

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Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
 
You start breathing again, but unfortunately you've already been buried.

I wish I could go home early.
 

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Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
You’re fired.

I wish I had some chocolate.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You do, but it's really old and terribly bad waxy kind of chocolate, so you have to struggle with yourself NOT to eat it, but you give in and get terribly ill and now have a taste aversion to all things chocolate!

I wish people would do what I told them 7 years ago.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted! Unfortunately, what you told them 7 years ago was (and I quote) "I really don't get this whole 'internet dating' thing. Do me a favor, would you? If you ever hear that I'm doing something crazy like marrying some woman I met on the internet after only having met her a couple of times, shoot me, will you".

Nice knowing ya'

I wish that someone would buy my house from me for 1.5 million dollars.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. Too bad your house was sitting on top of an oil field and the largest find of gold in the last 72 years. It's worth billions.

I wish I had the mineral rights to Alaska.

by the way Noemon...that was HILARIOUS!!!

[ October 18, 2004, 09:30 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Granted. Sadly, they come with a lifetime of haunting by Seward's ghost . . . and he's had over 100 years to get creative, and is still ticked about the whole Folly business.



I wish all my students' tests were properly graded already.

[ October 18, 2004, 10:42 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
To celia60's: granted, however the coke is stale.

To Rivka's: granted, however they are now graded properly because you have been replaced by a new teacher, because you died.

I wish I wasn't sick right now.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
MEC...talk about a death wish!!! LOL

I wish for my next 3 days of interviews to go smooothly and provide needed data...
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Thanks Bob! I was pretty proud of that one!
 

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Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
 
Bob, granted. The needed data reveals that you must spend the next 6 months on this issue with lots of unpaid overtime.

I wish someone would grant my wish in the next post instead of having to wait for a later user to pick up on the fact that I've been skipped yet again.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, however the thrill of having this wish granted is blunted by the fact that you've essentially wasted a wish since you gained absolutely nothing and, in fact, being noticed isn't really all it's cracked up to be.

I wish I could eat out every night!
 

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Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately you’re going to live in Radcliffe and there’s only one restaurant. And it’s not exactly haute cuisine.

I wish the above wasn’t true for me as well.
 

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Posted by Little_Doctor (Member # 6635) on :
 
Granted, But you are in an alternate universe Radcliffe now!
 

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Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
" "
Granted! You are now lost in oblivion.

Celia... your wish was so powerful that it is still being granted.

I wish the next poster would grant Celia another wish.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted! Of course, you should have taken into account the fact that celia is Evil, and that biting the hand that feeds her is almost a matter of course. Her wish would have been to see you twisting in the wind. You are now hanging from a gibbet.

I wish that Porter would grow a moustache that looked like this guy's.

[ October 19, 2004, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted. But now Porter's the evil twin instead of you. And kills you.

I wish I had the perfect halloween costume.
 

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Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
 
You have. Unfotunataly, it is so perfect that people actually think you're a real mass murderer, and you're hanged to the first tree.
I wish I have the big book about the Sims 2 (easy to guess the drawback for that one )
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, however you can never enjoy the game as you would have if you had not gotten it.

I wish that I had knowledge of everything and could completely control time and space.
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
I have decided to grant all the ungranted wishes.

shan page 2: granted, but it fell in the dirt, and bugs are all over it.

polio page 3: granted, however whenever someone seeks you out for a date because your picture is so hot, they punch you in the face when they meet you and see what you really look like.

kaioshin00 page 4: granted, you burn your hands every time you do it though.

That's all I've found for now, I'll put some more up when I get some more free time.

[ October 20, 2004, 01:53 PM: Message edited by: MEC ]
 

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Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
 
MEC : granted. Unfortunately, those annoying humans keep bothering you with their ridiculous prayers.
I wish I could keep the books from the library as long as I want.
EDIT to add : I thought someone would tell me that any thing from the Sims 2 would destroy any private life, I was surprised to see your answer.

[ October 20, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: Anna ]
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
T_Smith page 5: granted, welcome to the nuclear bomb in a safe squad.

Annie page 6: granted, now you're a normal nazi, and no one likes you.

Stan page 6: granted, the world has suddenly exploded.

Noeman page 7: granted, they have now colonized all the unused space in your house.

Turgan page 11: granted, however you missed the pile of free money on the way you would go home if you weren't suddenly transported there.

Anna this page: granted, but the library never lets you take books anymore because they don't know when you'll return them.

I wish that all wishes in this thread would not be ignored.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
MEC, granted! Unfortunately, they're all granted by people who don't quite get the thread, and whose replies aren't particularly funny.

I wish that the general level of focused thinking, enthusiasm and well being that I'm experiencing right now were my normal state and not the result of drinking an assload of coffee.
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, because you forget to breathe (how's that for funny)

I wish wishes were no longer answered with the wisher forgetting to breathe.

[ October 20, 2004, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: MEC ]
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted...because YOU DON'T REMEMBER TO BREATHE!

I wish I would remember to breathe.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately you forgot that you were in space holding your breath for a reason.

I wish that I had warmer socks.
 

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Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Granted! You're burned alive.

I wish for this wish to be wished undone by the next person's wish
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, the next person will take care of undoing it.

I wish that the previous person's wish was granted.
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted, but you get caught up in a weird time-continuum as a result, all coming back to Defenestrator's original wish.

I wish I were cool.

[ October 20, 2004, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, you are cool, chilled even. As in on the slab, ready for your autopsy. How cool is that?!



I wish I had another cannoli right about now.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You spy another cannoli, just sitting there on the plate of that burly guy sitting at the table next to yours. Your lust for one more cannoli overwhelming your good sense, you wait until he glances in the other direction and then grab his. You must have had more to drink than you'd thought though (which would explain this whole cannoli stealing tear you've suddenly gone on), because you overbalance and fall into the guy's table. The table is upset, and you and it go crashing to the floor amidst a shower of cutlery, wineglasses, plates, and all manner of food (the waiter hadn't yet cleared the table from the guy's meal, I'm afraid). Through all of this, all you can focus on is the cannoli. You discover that you crushed it underneath yourself as you fell, but in your frenzied state you aren't about to let that stop you. You grab at the mashed bit of dessert, rubbing some of it into your shirt more deeply, but succeeding in getting a handful of the heavenly stuff, which you proceed to cram into your mouth. Whipped into an an almost feverish lust by the taste of the delicious cannoli (its taste only partly spoiled by the carpet fuzz that you crammed into your mouth along with it) you tear your shirt off and begin sucking on it with abandon, trying to get every last bit of that cannoli.

Dana, still sitting at your table, doesn't seem particularly impressed. Neither does the man who had ordered the cannoli, I'm afraid, but at least he's too stunned by your display to do anything rash.

I wish I hadn't stayed up this late--I need to get more sleep than I have been this week.

[ October 21, 2004, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

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Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Your wish is granted. You fell asleep hours ago, but Hatrack was deprived of one helluva zany insomnia-induced Noemon style post.

I wish Noemon lots of sleep tonight.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Noemon sleeps the sleep of the dead. R.I.P. van Winkle has nothing on him, let me tell you. In fact, he sleeps so long he wakes up decomposed and wearing fashions that are horribly out of date. People are repelled and repulsed. But he sure is rested.

I wish I had a flight to MSP tonight.
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, but you miss it.

I wish I didn't need to be up at 5:30 on thursdays.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted! It's now 4:30 by which you need to be up.

I wish I had a cup of coffee.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
Granted. Here you are, COFFEE!!! yay. unfortunately, you drinking this coffee mean you're ignoring your doctors warning that too much caffeine will.. not can.. WILL kill you. You're caffeine level is so high that this will be the last coffee you ever have. Enjoy the after life.

I wish to never go to hell.
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, hell comes to you!

I wish hell would go away from you.
 

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Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
granted, hell comes to you!

I wish hell would go to the next poster.
 

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Posted by Turgan (Member # 6697) on :
 
granted. but the next poster is me and I already have hell. so, hell goes to YOUR LOVED ONES!.. and.. YOU FORGET HOW TO BREATHE!!! MUAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!

I wish hell would go to uhm... him. *points*
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, but since you didn't grant his wish correctly(I had hell, not you), you get hell.

I wish hell went away.
 

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Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish hell went away.

---

Granted. 'cept now you're homeless.

I wish I had a 35-foot offshore racing boat.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted! And it's right there, offshore, racing away. From you.

I wish I owned my own toy store.
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, but it's an adult toy store, and the town shuts you down.

I wish I had a home now.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted...nice dog house. Too bad you're a weiner dog.

I wish my sinuses would clear up.
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
(at least i'm not a chiwawa)

granted, your sinuses are removed, and you die.

I wish I could grant my own wishes.
 

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Posted by Defenestraitor (Member # 6907) on :
 
Granted, you can now grant your own wishes.

I wish MEC could no longer grant his own wishes.
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, I can no longer grant my own wishes, however you failed to twist my wish to grant my own wishes, so I can now grant my own wishes again.

I wish everyone could grant their own wishes.

[ October 22, 2004, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: MEC ]
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, but now everyone will post post after post in this thread.

Ok, I wish noone could grant their own wishes.
 

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Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
granted, but that includes you.

ok, I wish for someone to grant this wish.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Someone grants you wish and with it, every wish of every person who has ever wished. Sadly, this just levels the playing field again and you feel oddly "normal" and just like everyone else.

I wish my entire house was lit by lavalamps.
 

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Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
Granted. Now you're so incredibly mellow that nothing ever gets done.

I wish I had today to do over.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, you get it over, but that just puts off the wedding yet another day, and sadly, you're in the universe created by 2004 -1 days and I'm stuck in this other universe that's just plain old 2004.

Drat!

I wish I could be with Dana in 2004 -1.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You were with Dana for all of 2003, and it was a great year. Unfortunately, you've had to spend most of 2004 apart, and 2005 doesn't look much more promising.

I wish that Chocovic chocolate was made from free trade cocoa beans.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
They are, but the price increase for raw materials was so drastic that they had to cut back on the processing -- now instead of mechanical rollers to mash the beans, they hire old toothless women to chew them.

Yum-----meeeeee!!!

I wish I knew what those chocolates were that he was talking about.
 

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Posted by Marlozhan (Member # 2422) on :
 
Wish Granted. Now you are able to personally taste what this chocolate is like. Just as you swallow, you remember that the mechanical processors are still too expensive to run.

I wish I had more bonsai trees in my collection.

[ October 23, 2004, 01:50 AM: Message edited by: Marlozhan ]
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, you are surrounded by strangely stunted trees, and some of them are very, very angry.

I wish I had strangely stunted animals to go under the strangely stunted trees.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Granted. And you thought the stunted trees were angry!



I wish there were fewer people in this house!
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, they are no longer people. They look like people, but, well, they're just sort of faking it. They are something else and while it creeps you out slightly, you have noticed that they don't mind doing the odd bit of cleaning or dish washing just to fit in.

I wish I knew what my dog is thinking.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
And you thought the stunted animals were angry. Someday, when you least expect it, the "Mr. nice dog" routine is going to be dropped, and boy will you be sorry.

I wish that it were 12:04 pm Eastern time, on October 24th 2004.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You jump 3 minutes into the future.
There's no one there. Nothing. A void to be avoided is what it says on the travel brochure. Sadly, you have no obvious way back to the real place and time from whence you came.

I wish to send Noemon a corned beef sandwich on rye, 3 minutes into the future.
 

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Posted by Xavier (Member # 405) on :
 
Hey Bob, I liked this game the first time when it was called the Evil Genie Game.


 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Well I'll be hornswoggled! I never did see that earlier thread. Evil genii, you say? How odd that you would retroactively steal the idea for the monkey's paw thread. How very odd indeed.

I wish I'd thought of this first.

[ October 24, 2004, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
 

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Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
 
You send Noemon said sandwich, but due to the vagaries of time travel, it stays continually uptime by three minutes, meaning that Noemon never actually receives the sandwich. Kind of a weird reverse Langoliers thingy.

I wish I had enough money to cover my bills and the holidays this year without jeopardizing anything else.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, you've got the money you need to cover the bills and the holidays without jeopardizing anything else. And then you go on a three week bender in Las Vegas and lose it all and you end up doing unspeakable things just to earn bus fare home. You arrive on January 2nd and your kids tell you "it was the best holidays EVER!"

whoa! Beware the monkey's paw. That was harsh!

I wish our government would stop calling for "war on <insert whatever social problem you like here>"
 

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Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
 
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was wondering how you guys were going to twist that one!
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
The government decides to stop calling for a war on this or that social problem, and instead begins prosecuting wars on those problems. It decides to start with Poverty. Unfortunately, it sees "the poor" as enemy combatants in the War on Poverty, and so calls out the troops to begin leveling the homes of those suspected of being poor. Given that the majority of enlisted personnel in the US military aren't of the highest socio-economic status, they rightly see this as a war on their friends and family, and so great numbers revolt. The result is a chaotic civil war that sees the use of atomic weapons used by Americans on Americans. The rest of the world takes sides with one faction or another, and is drawn into the conflict. Soon Earth is little more than a dimly glowing ember circling the sun. The few astronauts who happened to be in space when everything went to hell eventually asphyxiate, and with them the last vertibrate creatures perish. Intelligent life does evolve again, many billions of years in the future, but it does so just in time to be fully aware of the horror of being snuffed out by the sun's violent death throws.

Good lord, the Monkey's Paw is getting pretty rough, isn't it?

I wish that the next five Monkey's Paw responses be side splittingly funny.

[ October 24, 2004, 11:30 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
You laugh so hard you break three ribs.



I wish Xavier would post more often than once in three months.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Xavier becomes an almost constant presence on Hatrack. Unfortunately, his posts are restricted entirely to the last post thread.

I wish that I had gotten something worthwhile accomplished over the weekend.
 

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Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
 
I want to build a school for orphan girls in Africa.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You do, and orphan girls flock to the building from across the country. It's too bad you didn't hire more experienced help to aid you in building the place, though. In the middle of the day the buiding collapses, killing many of the orphan girls and maiming the rest.

I wish that my natural inclination was to use my time more efficiently.
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Done, but you come to the sinking realization of how incredibly inefficient Hatrack is.

I wish I had a sweet, sensitive boyfriend who dotes on me.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You do! And he's definitely sweet. Sickeningly, revoltingly sweet. He attaches himself to you almost like a human lampry, and refuses to let go no matter what you do. You grow increasingly annoyed by his co-dependent clinginess, and find yourself intentionally doing things to try to anger him, to provoke a reaction, to get him to stop smothering you. No matter what you do though, he just hangs on tighter, refusing ever to respond to your lateness, your intentional bitchiness, your flagarantly displayed affairs. You find yourself hating the shrew you have become. You are completely miserable. No one can understand why you're so unhappy, though, when you have such a sweet loving guy by your side.

I wish that I had finished my modifications to the rough draft of the powerpoint presentation I put together for tomorrow's meeting.
 

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Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
*granted* You finished the presentation, and you did such a good job that your presentation is a roaring hit for all that attend. This begins your rise to success. Over the years, you start your own company and end up as the CEO of a billion-dollar company. You enter politics, and get elected as president of the United States. Your are the most beloved president in known memory, and your approval ratings never fall below 80%.

Unforunately, none of this helps fill that ugly void in your heart. You're miserable, and those that really know you are repulsed by you.

History remembers you as a great man, but you die miserable and lonely.

I wish that I could see things are they really are, and cause others to do the same.

[ October 28, 2004, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: mr_porteiro_head ]
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted, everyone can see everything as it truly is. Unfortunately, everyone can see YOU for what YOU truly are. They shun you, and you are left with the humiliation of having your true self exposed.

I wish I were a good person.

[ October 28, 2004, 01:58 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
 

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Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
 
So do I.

*flees*
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 

 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, you are a good person...to avoid. People run from the room at the mere mention of your name.

I wish the monkey's paw thread would stay on the first page all the time.
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Granted, but Turgen grants all the wishes and we all FORGET HOW TO BREATHE AND DIE.

I wish the sun would come out.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, and we are all happy living under a gay sun.

I wish that people would keep their opinions to themselves.
 

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Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 


Granted, including Dana. It's pretty hard to build your life together when she won't tell you how she feels about anything... and you kinda miss how she used to tell you she liked you, thought you were handsome, and loved the poofy-sleeved shirt.

I wish the coffee shop was open on Saturdays.
 

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Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted, but everyone bottling their emotions inside causes everyone to reach their breaking point and blow up and kill all of their friends and family. Nice one.

Eljay, Granted: but...YOU FORGET TO BREATHE!!!

I wish my MST3K DVD set would arrive today.

[ October 30, 2004, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
It does. It's broken. And out of print so you can't replace it except at great cost from sources like avid collectors. So sorry.

I wish I could both pack and go out with friends today.
 

---

Posted by Boris (Member # 6935) on :
 
Your friends decide to pack you.

I wish I was a little bit taller I wi...Oh...That's a song...

I wish I didn't have that song in my head now.
 

---

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
 
You don't. The song is now playing on every television and radio in your home, twenty-four hours a day, in whatever home you live in, for the rest of your life.

I wish that this cold would go away.
 

---

Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
 
Granted: Cold gets replaced by hot flashes every 5 minutes.

I wish I had my own Tropical Island.
 

---

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
 
You do. However, the island WAS tropicl ONCE, and is now Antarctica.

I wish someone would correct all these math papers.
 

---

Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 
Someone does! But he or she marks ever fifth correct answer wrong just for the heck of it, and angry parents overwhelm your voicemail with complaints.

I wish that the trick-or-treaters would all choose the 3 Musketeer and Reeses Fast Break bars from the variety packs and leave the other kinds for me.
 

---

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
 
They do! But they also leave gross little worms that burrow into the Snickers bars.

I really wish that I could find a babysitter for Tuesday night!
 

---

Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
 
My mother would hate it if the snickers were all gone. She used to steal em from me an' my sis after trick or treating.

*Shows up for babysitting gig. Commences to eat all food in house while Elizabeth is gone. *

I wish I really was good looking.

[ October 30, 2004, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: Stan the man ]
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, everyone says how good you look, just like when you were alive. So peaceful, as if you were only asleep.

I wish I had a costume for trick or treat.

[ October 30, 2004, 09:21 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
 

---

Posted by Chaeron (Member # 744) on :
 
Someone spills acid on your face.

I wish I could squish people's heads at a distance between my thumb and forfinger.

[ October 30, 2004, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: Chaeron ]
 

---

Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Granted! Ew, brains all over your hands...

I wish I was feeling mischievous enough to post these pictures I just found of dkw tightrope-walking without worrying what the payback would be.

[ October 31, 2004, 12:15 AM: Message edited by: ElJay ]
 

---

Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
 
You do! Now Bob feels he has to learn to tightrope walk too.

I wish this was a long weekend.
 

---

Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
Granted. Every day after today is declared "National poke Elizabeth day"

I wish I had a monkey's paw.
 

---

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted. Boy is that one-armed monkey pissed!

I wish I had good news.
 

---

Posted by Mr.Gumby (Member # 6303) on :
 
Granted, you become silent because "no news is good news"

I wish my dad would allow games on the new computer
 

---

Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Granted! He just no longer allows you on the new computer!

I wish I had weather-proofed my windows for winter today instead of taking a nap.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Granted! Your windows are weather-proofed -- and you are so tired you fall down the stairs and break your leg. Rotten luck, that.



I wish I could deal with my sister better.
 

---

Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
Granted. The two of you can hand out playing cards better than anyone else, and you soon work in a casino, dealing cards for the rest of your lives.

I wish I could see better. Without harming any of my other senses. Or body parts. Or harming anyone or anything else.
 

---

Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
 
Granted: You now have to wear contacts and bifocals.

I wish I had enough money that I wouldn't have to work another day in my life
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Wish granted, you have all of your bills paid... However, you are killed the next day before you go to work.

I wish... I could figure myself out...
 

---

Posted by Chaeron (Member # 744) on :
 
Granted, in a rare moment of clarity, you throw yourself off a bridge.

I wish I were a grapefruit. (has this been done already?)
 

---

Posted by Xavier (Member # 405) on :
 
During a deep couple hours of introspection, you realize that you are a figment of someone else's imagination, and *POOF*, you no longer exist.

I wish for someone to hire me .
 

---

Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
 
((Xavier))

Granted: you're a door to door salesperson in Greenland.

I wish I knew everything
 

---

Posted by TheClone (Member # 6141) on :
 
Granted: You knew everything, unfortuently now in your old age, you've forgotten it all.

I wish I wasn't so hungry.
 

---

Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
Granted. You are forced to eat pitted dates

I wish I could briefly visit the moon.
 

---

Posted by Xavier (Member # 405) on :
 
You briefly visit the moon, with no spacesuit on, and within moments you have massive hemorrhaging, your blood starts to boil, and then you freeze solid.

I wish for all nuclear weapons to be harmlessly destroyed, and then all plans and knowledge of their existance removed as well.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, our knowledge of physics is thrown back a thousand years and we all live in a brutal theocracy that punishes any attempt to study the natural world independently.

I wish we could end this Daylight Savings Time stuff and stay one way or the other year round.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Granted! Now Shabbos starts early ALL year, and millions of annoyed Orthodox Jews blame you. Tsk! You should be ashamed of yourself!



I wish my sister had been able to stay in Israel.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
She is! In fact, she has no choice, rotting as she is in a Tel Aviv jail, doing the time for a crime of which she is innocent.

I wish that whoever wins the election on Tuesday would do so by a wide enough margin that there was no question that they were the legally elected president of the United States.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 



It happened! Every election, Mickey Mouse gets the majority of the write-in votes; this year, he got the majority of ALL votes!



I wish there were more than 24 hours in the day.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
There are! The Earth collides with a massive asteroid--more of a rogue moon, really, which clips it at such an angle that, in addition to destroying all terrestrial life, it also slows down the Earth's rotation, resulting in a 32 hour day.

I wish that the next time I went to a social event, I would meet a person I really clicked with, and that we'd become good friends.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
You do. Really good friends. Your wife is NOT amused.



I wish for peace and quiet, but via a method that doesn't kill or harm anyone!
 

---

Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
 
Granted: You are placed in an insane asylum and given your own padded room. It even has a little window. Nice jacket.

I wish I had a fairly extensive wet bar at the house.
 

---

Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
 
*fishes Snickers bar out of Atlantic. Sets in Stan's living room*

Well, it's certainly wet.

I wish for a good boyfriend.
 

---

Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
 
Granted: Here you go.

I wish I could find the perfect woman
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You find her. Unfortunately, she's married to your best friend, and so deleriously happy with him that she barely even notices your existance.

I wish that I had gone to the gym today.
 

---

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted, but you drop a 2 pound weight on your foot and squeal like a girl in front of about five really buff guys.

I wish I could finish my homework in the next five minutes.
 

---

Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
 
Granted: A dog is sitting there by you with a huge &%$# eating grin on its face.

I wish I owned 100 acres in northern Montana.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
You do. 100 acres of prime swampland.



I wish we had better options in the presidential race.
 

---

Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
Now on the ballot, a fearless leader .

I wish I could hold a nitrogen atom in my hand.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You get a handful of liquid Nitrogen. Cool!
Owie, owie owie!!! I don't think lotion is gonna cure that cracking!

I wish I had a way to get a high speed internet connection anywhere, anytime for free.
 

---

Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
 
Granted, but AOL's solution of stapling a wireless access point to your brain just doesn't seem that satisfactory after all.

I wish Ray Charles was still alive.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Ray Charles is alive. Unfortunately, what you didn't know was the he despises you, and before his death had been plotting your murder. His death had been the only thing that saved your life. Nice knowing you!

I wish that the players and DM of the Overlook campaign had spent the weekend in a frenzy of Overlook centered role playing activity, and that today Mike would post the turns over on Sakeriver.
 

---

Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
 
Mike posts the turns. In a suprise move, the DM and the players agreed to change the campaign from a vibrant, fantastic, magical setting to the 'World of Garfield and Odie.' You go insane after reading the first four posts.

I wish that I could function on only 4 hours of sleep.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
You can. See here for the rules of your new life.



Let's try this again. I wish we had BETTER choices for president. (That was NOT better, kai! )
 

---

Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
You now get to pick between Bob_Scopatz and TomDavidson. Depending on who wins, either Christy or Dana get very mad at you for screwing up their life.

I wish y'all would help me bump all the games and fluff threads to the top, knocking down the election coverage for awhile.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
[side comment] See, now THOSE are better choices! [/side comment]
 

---

Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
[side comment] well, that's what you wished for, isn't it? [/side comment]
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, but since Hatrack is now the only reliable source of hard news in the world, you and the rest of us go into post-election day completely unaware of who will lead us.

I wish dkw were President!!!
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Dana assumes the mantle of the presidency, and proves to be a phenomenally able leader. Her passions, however, prove to be her undoing.

It is at a social function that she meets, falls in love with, and begins a torrid affair with the former Secretary General of the United Nations, Boutros Boutros-Ghali (click here for a picture of Mr. Boutros-Ghali catching his now-famous first glimpse of Dana). After a futile effort to hide their passion from the world collapses into messy failure, Dana renounces her position as president and runs away with Mr. Boutros-Ghali to his secluded getaway on the banks of the Nile, where they enjoy a life of hedonistic delight for several blissful weeks before Dana's libidinous demands send his into cardiac arrest.

A bereft Leia Maria Boutros-Ghali seeks comfort in the arms of former first man Bob Scopatz, but when her overatures are rebuffed the stress of her husband's betrayal and death prove to finally be too much for her. She empties a 9 mm handgun into Bob before reloading and taking her own life.

Dana, appaled by the damage her passions have wrought, and more than a little infatuated with melodrama, clasps an asp to her breast, succeeds in provoking it to bite her, and follows the Boutros-Ghalis and her husband into death.

I wish I were very physically fit.

[ November 02, 2004, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
 

---

Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
 
Granted. You are turned into a Schwarzenegger action figure.

I wish that paper was edible.
 

---

Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
 




[ November 02, 2004, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: dkw ]
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Just be glad I'm not really a genie Dana!
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
I found a great thumbnail of Boutros Boutros-Ghali staring at something in what looked like slack jawed wonder, but I couldn't get the larger version of it to display.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 


Granted, you eat your words.

I wish I had been kinder to Mrs. Boutros-Ghali!!!
 

---

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted--it's not your fault she shoots you.

I wish for more fluff.
 

---

Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
 
Granted. Snuggle the fabric softener bear is the new forum moderator.

I wish I was feeling more motivated.
 

---

Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
Granted, you are now highly motivated to run from this giant stone ball that follows you everywhere you go, similar to the one in UHF.

I wish snuggles the possessed by a demon fabric softner bear would go back to hell.

[ November 04, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: MEC ]
 

---

Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
 
I wish this thread would be brought back, but I can't really do it myself.
 

---

Posted by Little_Doctor (Member # 6635) on :
 
Granted. But in return, an angel just lost it's wings.
 

---

Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
 
Quick, everyone clap really loud so Tinkerbelle can live again!!!
 

---

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted, but the clapping hastened some 300,000,000 cases of carpal tunnel. Those tan brace-things have become incorporated into the fashion scene.

I wish I could win Rummikub just once.

[ April 03, 2005, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You do...Just once.

I wish the entire Central Florida Clump would move to Iowa.
 

---

Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
Granted. Every registered Hatracker in Florida moves into your house. (No, they don't help you unpack.)

I wish I had some candy.
 

---

Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
 
Granted. Candy is blonde, ditzy, and nineteen. She enjoys brainless chick flicks and Celine Dion. Have fun.

I wish I could fly.
 

---

Posted by Human (Member # 2985) on :
 
Granted. You can fly, all you want. Landing however, is a different matter...

I want to be able to make people explode!
 

---

Posted by Nell Gwyn (Member # 8291) on :
 
Granted. But they explode all over you, and the resulting mess can never be washed off, but clings in a rotting residue.

I wish I knew everything.
 

---

Posted by Human (Member # 2985) on :
 
Granted! Knowledge of absolutely everything floods through your mind! Unfortunately, the process renders you insane, and unable to coherently express anything you've learned.

I wish I could make beautiful music.
 

---

Posted by Nell Gwyn (Member # 8291) on :
 
Granted! You receive a package in the mail containing every aesthetically pleasing musical instrument known to man...in pieces.

I wish I could stay in perfect shape without ever having to exercise or watch what I eat.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted! That shape happens to be a perfect sphere.

I wish I'd gone to bed an hour and 45 minutes ago.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. You awaken in the morning perturbed by the obvious fact that you are now a sleep-poster. The concern over what sites you may have visited and posts you may have made begins to eat at you. You check and discover that you are the daughter/chief accountant for the deposed ruler of Nigeria and have to hide a few million dollars in a hurry!

I wish I could think up plots like Philip Jose Farmer, describe characters like Orson Scott Card, and write compelling narrative like Victor Hugo, all the while being as funny as a combination of Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, and P.G. Wodehouse.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Granted. Too bad you -- like Adams, Wodehouse, and Hugo -- are dead.



I wish my kids were perfectly behaved.
 

---

Posted by genius00345 (Member # 8206) on :
 
Granted. They've been sent to a boarding school and been beaten and mistreated anytime they ever did anything wrong and they now hate all people, but never misbehave.

I wish OSC and his family were my neighbors.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Rivka, that's a perfect response. I was trying to come up with something that hadn't been done already, and was drawing a blank.

You congratulate yourself on your perfectly behaved children. You find that they always do exactly what you want them to do, before you can even articulate the desire. Some part of your mind begins to question this; they seem almost too good to be true. In a jarring perceptual shift, you realize that the objects you have always thought of as "your children" are in fact the crudely made stuffed dolls that the staff at the mental institution in which you actually live have allowed you to keep with you because you are so much easier to handle when you are allowed to have them. The moment of sanity passes, and you gaze down lovingly at your perfectly behaved babies. It seems like something was wrong with them a moment ago, but you must have imagined it. Your perfect babies could would never misbehave.

I wish sakeriver were back up.
 

---

Posted by Zarex (Member # 8504) on :
 
Granted, but one of your family members contracts a strange lingering disease and your family is placed under quarentine.

I wish I had the willpower to do my homework instead of spend time on hatrack.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You have the willpower, but YOU FORGET TO BREATHE!!!!


I wish that I had another of the wasabi, ginger, and black sesame seed chocolate bars that CT brought to my house last weekend.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
(Noem, thanks. Sometimes dry wit is useful. And I love your response to mine! )

You have another of the chocolate bars. It was brought by your new tenant . . . who is <insert horror movie score snippet> worse than your previous tenant!



I wish the pile of tests I need to grade were already magically graded, and that my students all did better than expected, without cheating.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Rivka, yeah, sometimes the occasion just kind of begs for it, doesn't it?

I'm glad you liked my response, by the way; I was a little concerned that it was too dark for the thread, but then I went back and actually read a couple of pages from the middle of the thread, and my fears were assuaged.

quote:

---

You have another of the chocolate bars. It was brought by your new tenant . . . who is <insert horror movie score snippet> worse than your previous tenant!

---

Now you're playing dirty!

The pile of papers is magically graded, and all of your students did better than you expected, although the wide range in scores helps assure you that none of them cheated. However, the golden ink that had magically appeared on their papers and in your grade book turns into wisps of straw the next day. There is no record of the scores at all, and you are forced to take the papers home and grade them by hand. As you do so, you swear that you can hear the tittering of mischevious faeries.

I wish that the movie Serenity do extraordinarily well in the theater, prompting Joss to write and direct two more movies set in the Firefly universe that star the same cast as the first movie and are financial and critical successes.
 

---

Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
 
Granted, complete with a Sigur Ros soundtrack, although financial and critical success in Iceland may not mean as much.

I wish I were human.
 

---

Posted by Zarex (Member # 8504) on :
 
You are a human, specifically a eighty seven year old man lying on his death bed. As your new memories flood you, you realize that the eighty seven year old man is a horrible miser, former murderer, money launderer, and fan of Martha Stewart. Just as you're about to scream in horror, you die and are sent to judgement.

I wish I could step into any book and experience the events and settings of the books I choose to step into.
 

---

Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
Granted. Before you can use your newfound ability a series of freak library and bookstore fires sweep the planet. The only books remaining in existance are copies of Galaxy 666.

I wish I had a pet monkey.
 

---

Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
Granted! Your monkey is charming and exhibits peculiar intelligence. Before you know it YOU and all your friends are the pet.

I wish I had a brilliant mathematical mind.
 

---

Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
Granted. And when he isn't flinging poop at your head or self-pleasuring, he's picking off fleas to put in your ear.

I wish I would always have pleasant dreams when I sleep.
 

---

Posted by Zarex (Member # 8504) on :
 
Teshi-- Granted, you have a brilliant mathematical mind, but you hate math.

Sterling-- Granted, you find out that you will always have pleaseent dreams right before you discover that you have the worst case of insomnia known to man.

I wish that you will not grant this wish. (Try to puzzle that one out. Or, if you can't puzzle that one out:

I wish I had a lightsaber.
 

---

Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
Zarex wish #1: Granted. Unfortunately, in fulfilling this wish you've created a paradox in the fundamental nature of reality and everything that exists suddenly ceases to. Way to go.

Zarex wish #2: Granted: The lightsaber is irremovably lodged in your intestine. I suggest you be very, very careful not to accidentally jostle the "On" switch.

I wish I didn't have to go to work today.
 

---

Posted by SC Carver (Member # 8173) on :
 
Granted: You don't have to go to work, but it because the CIA has discovered most of your co-workers are actually aliens trying to take over the world and have shut down your office seizing everything to prevent any evidence of extraterrestrial life getting into the public.

I wish the SC Gamecocks had a good football team
(I don't think even a genie can grant that one)
 

---

Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
 
Granted: They now have a good football team! Unfortunately, all of the players are either injured or serving jail time.

I wish I could sleep better at night.
 

---

Posted by JemmyGrove (Member # 6707) on :
 
Granted with a bonus -- you now sleep better all the time. (You could call it a coma, although that one has been used a few times already.)

I wish I had webbed feet.
 

---

Posted by Zarex (Member # 8504) on :
 
Granted: you suddenly find yourself transformed into a duck.

I wish I could leap tall buildings in a single bound.
 

---

Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
 
Granted: You are a giant flea.


I wish for a new pair of fuzzy sippers.
 

---

Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
 
Granted! A couple large vampire bats are now sipping away at your precious bodily fluids.

I wish my house was paid off.
 

---

Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
 
Granted. The last of your cash is drained from your accounts, and the mortgage papers arrive from the bank. In the midst of burning them, you go to rub off what appears to be ash on one wall, and as the sheetrock crumbles before your eyes, torrents of black beetles tumble out and spill across the floor. Your house was built on an ancient burial ground, and the curse of a fallen people now rests on your shoulders. It is inescapable, for with the deed of the house goes the curse.

I wish I knew what to have for lunch.
 

---

Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
 
(damn my crappy keyboard! )
 

---

Posted by Kent (Member # 7850) on :
 
Granted! But what to have for lunch is good for you and you don't enjoy it.

I wish for no human to do harm to another human.
 

---

Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 5938) on :
 
Positronic robots are invented. Unfortunately, the version of Asimov's first law imprinted on their brains says "A robot can harm a human being, but not, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm."

Therefore, robots kill all human beings to prevent them from harming each other.

I wish I could touch-type.
 

---

Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
Granted! You quickly learn how to touch type, out of necessity because you've just gone blind.

I wish caffeine still gave me the buzz it used to.
 

---

Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
 
Eric, you're chained to the typesetter's table in the Church of Scientology's printing plant and forced to manually set up the presses for the umpteen millionth run of Dianetics.

I wish I had a monkey.
 

---

Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Granted. Have fun cleaning up the poop it flings all over your walls.

I wish my morning sickness would go away.
 

---

Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
 
Granted. You get to be in labor.

I wish my favorite pants weren't getting too tight around my rapily-growing belly.
 

---

Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
 
oh, kq, I wish you wouldn't wish such a wish, because I can think of the worst possible reason for it to go away.

Instead, because I'm a weinie: Granted! As the morning sickness comes from hormonal changes, those symptoms must be suffered somewhere (part of the Law of Conservation of Hormones and Consequences) so this Genie does what she can by transfering the sickness to the nearest non-pregnant person. As a result, Emma bursts into tears for no reason and begins raging around the house, tearing apart the Air Conditioner and purposefully NOT putting it back together properly.

I wish the sql query I need to write was all written and I could stop worrying about it.
 

---

Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
Granted. It's written, it's hundreds of thousands of characters long, there's a bug in it somewhere- and you get to find it.

I wish I could get what I wanted to done without staying up until ridiculous hours.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. There are no longer any ridiculous hours. They are all serious, and they are all work hours. Thanks.

I wish I was still at the National Storytelling Festival.
 

---

Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Granted. You have been turned into a stone statue and will stay there forever as their mascot.

I wish the cat box was clean.
 

---

Posted by genius00345 (Member # 8206) on :
 
Granted. All the litter and feces that WAS in the box is now on your bed and the floor around it.

I wish that I had high-speed internet instead of this dial-up!
 

---

Posted by Toretha (Member # 2233) on :
 
Granted, now popups come up so fast you have no hope of closing them quickly enough to actually read the webpages you're on

I wish I wasn't compelled to pull out my hair
 

---

Posted by Coccinelle (Member # 5832) on :
 
Granted, in addition to no pulling, you have no desire to remove any excess hair so you now have a unibrow and very hairy legs.

I wish that I could finish my grading this week without staying at work late.
 

---

Posted by Zarex (Member # 8504) on :
 
Congratulations, you finish your grading this week by taking the work home with you. You work tirelessly and get no sleep at home, but at least you didn't have to stay late at work.

I wish I could get my story done for Scott Card and get an A on it.
 

---

Posted by Vadon (Member # 4561) on :
 
Granted, but the A stand for awful.

I wish I had soft padding on my speakers. (I have my reasons.)
 

---

Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
Granted. Your entire speakers are extremely soft- to the point that the first time you touch them, the internal components are crushed.

I wish I didn't get heartburn.
 

---

Posted by Epictetus (Member # 6235) on :
 
Granted, but now you have no stomach acid and your food moves through your esophagus like light through a fiberoptic cable.

I wish for a bottle of premium Scotch
 

---

Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
 
Yuck. I mean, really, what'll that be, a conversation piece? Hopefully a bottle full of well-mashed Scotsmen will satisfy your blood lust.

I wish my essay was finished and beautiful.
 

---

Posted by Treason (Member # 7587) on :
 
Granted. But you stayed up all night hopped up on caffine to finish it so you overslept for class and didn't make it there at all so you failed.
(gotta love the run-on sentence)

I wish I could talk to animals.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
*POOF!* You can! And you can understand them, too. Trouble is, now you know they all hate you . . . and some of them are rather angry.



I wish the other person in the office were less annoying.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Your wish has been granted! You are now working in the bowels of the Post Office, and the other person you are working with isn't so much annoying as unnerving.

I wish I had a pony.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
You do!

In your living room. And he's hungry. Have fun!




I want out of the post office!
 

---

Posted by Miro (Member # 1178) on :
 
Granted: You're now on top of Mount Everest - in your Postal Service uniform.

I wish I was fluent in Matlab.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
(So I've gone from working in a school office with a frequently exasperating co-worker, to the bowels of the PO to the top of Everest. Huh. Am I getting frequent flyer miles?)
 

---

Posted by Miro (Member # 1178) on :
 
(Yes, but then the airline goes bankrupt.)
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
( )
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Miro

Good one!

I wish I had Alice the maid to clean up after me and my family.
 

---

Posted by Miro (Member # 1178) on :
 
(Hey, don't I get my wish?!?!)

Granted: Now you have Alice and Alex and Anna and Amelia and Ashton and the rest of the Adamson clan. Gets a little crowded, doesn't it?

I still wish I was fluent in Matlab.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Granted. However, you are no longer fluent in any non-geek language, so are able only to converse with the geeky set. (Fluent in Klingon is a side effect of fluent in Matlab).

I wish I had answered Miro's wish earlier.
 

---

Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
 
You do, but destroy part of the space-time continuum in the process. Now you're your own Tante; Serenity was made by George Lucas instead of Joss Whedon (with Harrison Ford as Mal, and Jar Jar Binks as Kaylee; there are hints of an incestuous relationship between River and Simon); Tom DeLay is an unassailable paragon of virtue; the Great Red Spot of Jupiter dissolves and astronomers have to look for large rings to tell it and Saturn apart; Jon Stewart is President of the United States; Einstein caused Hitler to disappear before World War II, thus causing a massive Soviet rise to power; Ronald Reagan was successfully assassinated, thus causing a paradox in 1991 with the collapse of the Soviet Union; a butterfly sometime during the Jurassic period is killed, with no apparent ill effects; Hurricane Katrina struck Asia instead of the U.S. and the energy stored in the faults somehow cancelled out the energy in the hurricane, thus dissipating the hurricane and preventing earthquakes in the region for years to come.

Hey, that last bit would be pretty good!

I wish that I could keep a normal sleep schedule.
 

---

Posted by Miro (Member # 1178) on :
 
Granted: You don't sleep at all - which is normal for an insect.

I wish it was yesterday.
 

---

Posted by Toretha (Member # 2233) on :
 
Granted, you now move backward in time rather than forward like everyone else/

I wish my class would be cancelled today.
 

---

Posted by genius00345 (Member # 8206) on :
 
Granted. Your class was cancelled today...and the next day...and the next...Now you can never get that credit.

I wish that normal work/school hours were at night instead of during the day.
 

---

Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
Granted. The change was effective a month ago, and nobody bothered to tell you about it. You've been fired from your job and/or kicked out of school for missing so many nights.

I wish sweaters weren't so itchy.
 

---

Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
 
Granted. Now nothing is itchy. Not your sweaters, not that terrible rash that is eating away at the layers of your skin. In fact, you've lost most of the nerve sensation in your skin. Burns at the kitchen stove top go unnoticed. You forget to blink because the nerves don't tell you your eyes are uncomfortably dry. Over time, the cumulative injuries and lack of care to your eyes renders you a blind, crippled wretch.

I wish I had a nice big bowl of ice cream.
 

---

Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
 
Granted! Unfortunately, it's peanut butter-asparagus ice cream.

I wish I had some dark chocolate.
 

---

Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
Granted. You have the darkest chocolate ever. The chocolate depresses you with its brooding, melancholy poetry and cynically bleak worldview. Nobody wants to spend time with you because the dark chocolate talks about famine and nuclear winter and serial killers all the time. Eventually you and the chocolate enter a suicide pact, but you get the order of it wrong, hanging yourself before eating the dark chocolate. Unable to fulfill its end of the suicide pact without you to devour it, the chocolate becomes darker than ever.

I wish I wasn't a blind, cripped wretch!
 

---

Posted by Treason (Member # 7587) on :
 
Granted! But now all your sweaters are filled with fleas and you itch so bad that you scratch all your skin off.

I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener...
 

---

Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
 
But if you were an Oscar Meyer Weiner, everyone would be in love with you. And let's face it, it's hard to get to work when seven billion people are clinging to and hitting on you.

I wish I didn't have a cold.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Granted. It's not a cold. It's Something Serious.

I wish I had three free wishes -- no strings attached.
 

---

Posted by Treason (Member # 7587) on :
 
Granted! But since you didn't have strings attatched to them they all floated away and now god gets them.

I wish I wasn't smoking again...
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Granted! I've doused you with a bucket of water. Now you are cold and wet.

I wish it rains again tomorrow.
 

---

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Granted...but it rains somewhere else.

I wish I could destroy my alarm clock and just sleep until I wake up.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Granted. However, you wake up about five minutes before your alarm clock was set to go off.

I wish I had a snow globe that had a little snow plow inside that would plow away all the snow when I wound it up.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, all that snow has to go somewhere and you wake up in the morning completely plowed in to your bed. And the electric blanket is still in the closet.

I wish people would stop disagreeing with me.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Your wish is my command. People no longer disagree with you. Coffee, however, totally disagrees with your stomach, and causes you all types of gastric and colic distress.

I wish the pi button on my calculator would really and truly calculate the real value of pi, and not just some wussy, rounded off estimation.
 

---

Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
 
It does. But it takes it so much time it won't work again until 2015. If its battery holds on until that date.
I wish my workday is over and I can go to the cinema.
 

---

Posted by odouls268 (Member # 2145) on :
 

quote:

---

I wish the pi button on my calculator would really and truly calculate the real value of pi, and not just some wussy, rounded off estimation.

---

Aside: Did you know that in July, a Board of Education in Australia ruled that physics calculations using acceleration due to gravity (9.8 m/s^2) is too difficult for students during standardized tests and they are now to use the rounded off figure 10? When some wacko math 'purists' pointed out that using this method for calculations would cause rockets to carreen out of control and bungee jumpers to crash into the ground, the Board responded with "Well, students won't be penalized for using the actual figure."

How nice of them? A little amnesty for the sinners who provide correct answers.

End of Aside.

No derailment intended.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Granted. You're fired.

I wish heating oil and gasoline weren't so expensive.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Granted. They are now dirt-cheap -- or they would be, if you could buy any. Have fun shoveling coal!




I wish I could fall asleep when I wanted, for as long as I wanted, and awake rested.
 

---

Posted by odouls268 (Member # 2145) on :
 
There's a fine line between "really lazy" and "corpse".
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Congratulations rivka, you're now able to fall asleep when you want, for as long as you want, and awake rested. I'm afraid that there is a little bit of paperwork involved, however. There is a 30 page form that you have to fill out in triplicate and file at least one week before each period during which you would like to sleep. The forms are constantly being updated by the central office, and outdated forms are not acceptable, so be sure you have the latest version of the form before you submit, and hope that an update doesn't become available before the sleep request has been approved.

I wish that I were fluent in all forms of spoken and written human communication.
 

---

Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
 
Granted. Tomorrow the aliens will be arriving to wipe out the human race--except for you. And your vocal cords aren't equipped to speak their language.

I wish I had a piano.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Something blots out the sun, and you look upward just in time to see your new grand piano as it hurtles toward you. Before you can even react it has landed, pulverizing you.

I wish that my workplace would decide to start having me telecommute rather than having me actually go into the office.
 

---

Posted by Zarex (Member # 8504) on :
 
Granted, it will fall on you from on top of the next sky scraper you walk on. (Cliche as hack, but I like it.)

I wish I could play the guitar.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted! You could play guitar. You were a virtuoso. You also owed money to the wrong people, and to teach you a lesson they broke every bone in your hands. So, no more guitar. Because I'm a benevolent genie, though, I'll give you a freebie--now that you don't have to spend so much time practicing your guitar, you've had time to get really good at the kazoo.

My wish from above still stands.
 

---

Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
Granted; you're now allowed to telecommute. Unfortunately, under the new arrangement, you must be visible on webcam at least 6 hours out of the day. Should you fail to do this, you will be asked to wear a dress and a wig while at work and visible on the webcam. Should you fail to do this, you'll be fired.

I wish I had already written my dissertation.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Oh, but you DID write your dissertation. You were about to print out the whole thing when your hard drive went kerflooie, and you lost all your precious work. Back up copies? Oops!

I wish my fingernails were prettier.
 

---

Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
 
They're so pretty, an art-afficionado gang rips them off and rushes them away to their private museum. And each time they regrow, they do the same.

I wish I had a nice, cool glass of iced tea.
 

---

Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
You do! Unfortunately, that's because it's just been poured down your pants.

I wish none of the cars in my household would ever break down again.
 

---

Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
 
Granted! This ends your relationship with your auto mechanic, who was slated by Fate to be your True Love. You were to have fallen into the most inspiring example of love for your generation, spawning songs and movies that, by its sparkling purity, brought fighting couples to reconciliation, new lovers to deeper commitment, and joy to many, many children. The love between you and your mechanic was to be the first link in a long chain that would have resulted in World Peace. Instead, by your perfect cars, your auto mechanic died of a broken heart and a violent, loveless world went on for another generation of hopelessness.

I wish for Peace on Earth, Good Will toward Men.
 

---

Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
 
Granted! Unfortunately, for this to happen, Megan must get together with her mechanic. Therefore, your granting of her wish is reversed and you must commit seppuku to retain your honor.

I wish I had prettier Sharpies.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
You have the prettiest Shar Peis around -- they've been totally facelifted and botoxed and their wrinkles are unwrinkled. Unfortunately, the Society for the Protection of Shar Peis brings you up on charges of defacing the face of the Shar Pei.

I wish I had a nice bowl of warm tapioca pudding.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Poof! You do. Of course, it's milchig (dairy), and you just had fleishig (meat). You wait six hours, right? It won't be all that warm then. And it will have a skin too.

Enjoy!




I wish it would stop raining now, and not start again for a week.
 

---

Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
 
Okay! Worldwide, the rain stops for the entire week. Clouds waddle around the skies getting fuller and heavier, darker and ponderous. They slowly congregate over the area of Southern California and hang for days. Then... KABLAM!!! A week's worth of rain for the whole world comes down on LA and Orange County in one day.

I wish I had a '58 Thunderbird.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Poof, you have 1958 Thunderbird. Like the oenophile you are, you screw off the cap and take a hearty wiff. The wine has turned on you in a way only cheap rotgut can. Your liver revolts and takes up residence in a nearby rock star for safe keeping.

I wish had a nice curvy road and another hour's daylight to go riding.
 

---

Posted by firebird (Member # 1971) on :
 
A 58 foot bird arrives in your garden and farts repeatedly and loudly, sounding errily like thunder. This petrifies your childen, cats and dogs and leads to mayhem in the house for an entire 24 hours.

I wish for a kinder tougue, a softer hear, a prettier soul and a bag of nachos.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, unfortunately, the genie is confused utterly by your spelling and you get a kindly tug, you go partially deaf, a nice set of leather soles on your favorite loafers, and a big gloppy mess of tortillas, beans, melted cheese, sour cream and guacamole. In a bag.

I still want a nice curvy road and another hour's daylight in which to go for a ride.
 

---

Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
 
Bob
 

---

Posted by firebird (Member # 1971) on :
 
Damn my inability to spell ... or more ot the point proof read!


 

---

Posted by firebird (Member # 1971) on :
 
You're given a beautiful curvy road in Nice, France but the hour's daylight in the US. So close and yet so far, the agony is unbearable.

I wish to be able to spell and proof read.
 

---

Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Granted. You are now a copy of Word Perfect for Windows.

I wish those danged kids would stop setting off fireworks!
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
They're done with the fireworks. Does your renter's insurance cover damage done by Molotov cocktails?



I wish I had gotten more sleep last night.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You did, and slept through today. It was all a dream. A boring and utterly routine dream.

I wish I could eat sugar without having to pee 6x during the night afterwards.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 

quote:

---

Poof, you have 1958 Thunderbird. Like the oenophile you are, you screw off the cap and take a hearty wiff. The wine has turned on you in a way only cheap rotgut can. Your liver revolts and takes up residence in a nearby rock star for safe keeping.

---

Bob, this is the funniest response I've read on this thread since it was revived. Hands down.

Just so you know.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Thanks ...mon.



I kind of liked it too.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Granted. You can now eat sugar without having to pee six times a night. It is the six episodes of explosive diarrhea in the night that is now disturbing your rest.

Bob, do you have diabetes? If you haven't already been, I wish you'd get tested.
 

---

Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
 
Bob gets tested for diabetes. Turns out he doesn't have it, but they also run a few other little tests and--guess what?--you've got syphilis, the plague, and an embarassing rash.

I wish my iPod had unlimited battery life.
 

---

Posted by Zarex (Member # 8504) on :
 
Granted, now if only you could find a pair of headphones.

I wish I had a puppy.
 

---

Posted by Carrie (Member # 394) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, your human significant other has several questions for you... and your new puppy-child.

I wish it were tomorrow night.
 

---

Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, it's also _tommorow's_ tommorow night, and tomorrow's, and... Oops, out of time.

I wish I was truly great at swing-dancing.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You're a monkey. You swing. You dance. It's great!

I wish my bills paid themselves.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
OK! They paid themselves. They just didn't pay the power company, the phone company, the credit card company, the mortgage company...

I wish my desk at work had a rocking chair instead of a regular chair.
 

---

Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
Granted. Your new chair rocks out with 10,000 decibels of the most rockin' out eighties power-rock hits! Duuuude!

I wish I had the good sense to let sleeping dogs lie.
 

---

Posted by firebird (Member # 1971) on :
 
You filled with the irrational urge to poke all dogs that you see ... including the rather fearsom dobberman under my desk that promptly savages you.

I wish I wasn't so easily distracted from my work.
 

---

Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
 
Granted. You're now utterly focused on your work. So focused, in fact, that you forget everything else in your life. I hope you really, really love your job.

I wish I had a cup of nice, hot, Starbucks coffee right now.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Poof! You do. But everyone who has ever loaned you money happens by at just that moment and they realize that if you've got the bucks for Starbucks, then you have the bucks to pay them back. Too bad about your knee caps.


I wish that artificial sweeteners didn't taste so artificial.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
OK! They taste delicious and natural. So wonderful, in fact, that you consume far too much of them, realizing only years later that over consumption of artificial sweeteners has the unfortunate effect of causing something serious. And you spend the rest of your days hideously compromised by your serious condition.

I wish there were a sure-fire cure for Bob's serious condition.
 

---

Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
 
GRANTED! Along with your wish, this Genie takes the liberty of curing everything from tennis elbow to AIDS as well. She also takes care of the pesky problem of pain and suffering and evil. In djinn-generated peace, a utopia the sort of which only dreamy eyed authors could conceive is established. That is until God notices and in a fit of pique wipes out the universe.

I wish I had enough will power to work out regularly.
 

---

Posted by JenniK (Member # 3939) on :
 
Granted, but now your boss and coworkers are wondering why you keep having your desk moved outside everyday... especially with all these pesky hurricanes. The boss decides not to fire you, but to have you committed to the psych ward as it is more humane than allowing you to continue working in such weather.

I wish I were a member of the Voices of Liberty at EPCOT (at Disney World).
 

---

Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
Granted! Unfortunately, they don't give anyone the day off for the latest hurricane...

I wish my metabolism was a little faster.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
It is a little faster...than a tortoise's. You are barely moving!

I wish someone would make me some brownies.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Poof! hundreds of little girls in brown uniforms suddenly appear in the space you so recently occupied. They spend your remaining days learning kitschy songs and hoping to grow up so they can sell cookies to strangers.

I wish it had stayed above 55 degrees while we rode home on the motorcycle today. <brrrr>
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
It, your bike, does indeed stay above 55° North the entire way home. In order to accomplish this feat, the North American tectonic plate is forced to crack into many pieces, with the chunk on which your path and your home reside moving violently northward. It finally settles down at 66°33' North, which is well above 55°. Still pretty chilly, though. Or it will be once the lava flows that were unleashed when the plate broke up cool down.

I wish that an affordable over the counter drug without side effects existed that could cancel the effects of caffeine in one's system.
 

---

Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
Done! The Drug is a huge success in 99.99999% of cases--Flaming Kidneystones are such a unlikely side effect, but the odds were with you.

I wish I had a fabulous broadway voice and dance skills.

[ October 23, 2005, 01:25 AM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately for you, no one will ever know it, due to your massive stage fright.

I wish I knew just what to wish for.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
You know exactly what to wish for! You wish for it, and your wish is so perfect, and so perfectly worded, that no one on Hatrack can come up with a way to twist it. As a result, you kill this thread.

I wish I had 20/20 vision.
 

---

Posted by Treason (Member # 7587) on :
 
Granted! You now have 20/20 vision. Unfortunately, you've gone insane and all you can see are the spiders crawling all over your body. You constantly try to scratch them off and are left with bloody stumps for fingers. Have fun with that!

I wish I was a little bit taller...
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
You are a little bit taller -- than the Statue of Liberty. Good luck finding clothing that fits. She seems to be wearing a sheet or something.

I wish my brother-in-law wasn't so supercilious.
 

---

Posted by Zarex (Member # 8504) on :
 
Granted, he is no longer supercilious. He is just ordinary cilious.

I wish I had a cellphone.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Granted! Here is your Firefly. Unfortunately for you, it has been set so that you may only call and receive calls from 5 people. And you had been avoiding them all . . .



I wish I was done assembling furniture.
 

---

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Granted -- one cellphone! Not granted: cellphone reception, adequately charged battery, calls from anyone you actually want to talk to.

I wish that wishes really do come true.
 

---

Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
Rivka: Granted. You've just finished assembling your last piece of furniture, your coffin. Time to get in!

Tante: Granted. All of the horrible wish fulfillments from this entire thread come true, ruining the lives of every hatracker who posted here. And it's all your fault.

I wish that Jack Thompson would just shut up already.
 

---

Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
 
Granted: Jack Thompson takes a vow of silence, but you are now appointed his personal mouthpiece for life.

I wish I didn't have so much homework.
 

---

Posted by Pariah (Member # 8773) on :
 
Granted, they kicked you out of school and now you never have to do homework again! Oh and don't worry about trying to make it to the bank on time to cash a paycheck 'cause oddly enough that's been taken care of too!


I wish I had a really cool title.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. You are now Ender's Game. Unfortunately, having a good title doesn't get you as far as it once might've. Especially with that copyright infringement lawsuit hanging over your head.


I wish I had the money that a certain state paid for its failed data system.
 

---

Posted by solero (Member # 8668) on :
 
Granted. You have all the money that a certain state paid for its failed data system. You now have Millions of $$$. you run into the girl/guy of your dreams, but she doesnt like your rich like attitude. try again....


I wish that I found a way to make spyware never exist.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, we're bombed back into the stone age and there won't be such things as computers or the Internet for ANOTHER million years. Thanks a bunch!

I wish a major meteor would strike the moon in my lifetime so I could see it.
 

---

Posted by CRash (Member # 7754) on :
 
Granted. The meteor completely shatters the moon, sending large pieces spinning toward Earth, resulting in the ultimate destruction of our planet.

I wish more people liked peanut butter M&Ms.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Psych!

Granted, so many people like Peanut Butter M&Ms that it is now the only candy sold in the world and you soon gag at the mere idea of the little colored ovoids.

I still wish a major meteor would strike the moon in my lifetime so I could see it.
 

---

Posted by krynn (Member # 524) on :
 
The meteor hits the moon, but it happens while u are getting "lucky" with some exotic brazilian woman and all u see are the highlights on the news the next day.

I wish i was already done with college.
 

---

Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Congratulations! You've finished college. You spend the rest of your life working in a cube farm, wishing you were still in college.

I wish that I would win a cutting edge gaming PC, so perfectly equipped that nothing could possibly be done to improve its performance on even the most graphics intensive games.
 

---

Posted by krynn (Member # 524) on :
 
Noemon, u finally get that awesome computer, and no game will ever require more than what that computer has. only problem is that the people who made it forgot to add the slots in the back and there is no way to connect a mouse or monitor or keyboard. The company that made it just went bankrupt and you cant return it now to be fixed.

I wish to never be in another arguement with my girlfriend ever again. (hehe, dont go easy on this one just cuz i mentioned a girlfriend)
 

---

Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
Granted. Looks like that gun she has pointed at your forehead will guarantee that.

I wish all my moving boxes were put away.
 

---

Posted by krynn (Member # 524) on :
 
another hurricane hits and wipes out everything. now u have to evacuate your state and move in with relatives. but hey, no more boxes to put away.

I wish that i had taken the time to think of something original and witty, not cheap and lame like that.
 

---

Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, it takes all the time you had left to live.

I wish I could articulate thoughts better in English.
 

---

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Poof! You can now articulate thoughts better in English than in your native language. Unfortunately, you can't actually speak English, but, if you could, you would definitely be able to articulate your thoughts better in it.

I wish I didn't have to tell people tomorrow how badly they are doing and that the fault lies not in their database, but in themselves.
 

---

Posted by Carrie (Member # 394) on :
 
Granted. Now instead of "having to" tell people, you just really really want to tell them how badly they are doing... which leads to lots and lots of personal complications.

I wish I had one of my papers written.
 

---

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Congratulations! One of your papers is written . . . in a dead language. A very dead language. So dead that only one person currently living speaks it. And he lives on the other side of the country, and isn't expected to live through the night.


I wish I had gotten done all the things I had been planning to do today.
 

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Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
Granted. But to accomplish all of that you didn't spend any time on Hatrack today!

I wish there was a Halloween every month.
 

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Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
Granted. No Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, Easter, birthdays, or any of that rot. But _plenty_ of Halloweens. Oh, by the way, your dentist wants to have words with you, and there's some kids coming your way with rolls of toilet paper. Have a good 'un.

I wish my computer would stop humming so loudly (WITHOUT DYING OUTRIGHT, THANK YOU!)

[ October 28, 2005, 04:08 AM: Message edited by: Sterling ]
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Your computer is now completely silent. That's right, the humming is gone! Sadly, the mike and speakers are completely dead too.



How about brownies that come in the night and complete the assembly of the cabinet that is currently lying in pieces all over my living room floor?
 

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Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
The brownies come in the night and assemble the cabinet lying in pieces all over your living room floor. Unfortunately, they assemble the cabinet pieces into shoes.

I wish I was asleep half an hour ago!
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Sterling! Wake up! You are posting on Hatrack in your sleep! Now go to bed, you nut.

I wish I had a pair of special magic shoes.
 

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Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately their power is to make anyone who wears it look stupid. Also you can't take them off.

I wish I would be better at Morrowind.
 

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Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
 
Granted! This Genie is a bit deaf as well as not being into games, so she assumes that Marrowmind is 'narrowmind'. She thinks it's a very odd wish, but transforms you into Rev. Fred Phelps with a shrug, then, with a rainbow colored poof of smoke, diappears.

I wish it was Saturday.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Granted. It WAS Saturday -- six days ago.

I wish I had a helicopter so that I could avoid traffic.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
And you thought that automotive fuel was expensive!


I wish that the SW Ohio had a huge population of interesting, thoughtful, sociable Jatraqueros.
 

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Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
 
It does--they are all camped out in your back yard indefinitely.

I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
"Well, c'mon, this is like shooting fish in a barrel," the genii mutters as he causes a regional recession to ensure that your job is gone and you can't find a substitute.

I wish that all my favorite foods were sugar free, fat free, and tasted great!
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
They do! Unfortuntely they cause such extreme flatulence as to actually be dangerous. There is a rash of incidents in which people actually rupture, so rapid and violent is the production of gas.

On the plus side, the gas doesn't really smell any worse than normal gas.

I wish that Vosges would lower the price of their candy bars to fifty cents without changing the quality of their product.
 

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Posted by solero (Member # 8668) on :
 
DONE! you buy so many that you become SO Fat you cant lift up the remote and are stuck watching reruns of the crapy show that aired for 1 month in the 80s

I wish my brother didnt get killed in a car accident
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Ah, man, no fair whipping out a wish like that. How can we twist something that sincere into anything funny. If I were the genie I'd just grant you your wish, straight up.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Yeah. And I wish that Noemon posted a new wish so that the thread wouldn't just fade away.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, Noemon posted a new wish, and you are now responsible for the disaster this thread will become in the future.

I wish we had a maid.
 

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Posted by Pariah (Member # 8773) on :
 
Granted you now have a maid. You don't have any socks however because she put them away in some magical drawer nobody knows about but her. Looks like blisters and cold feet for you buddy.


I wish I had a 1969 z-28 Camaro RS in mint condition.
 

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Posted by aiua (Member # 7825) on :
 
Granted. You'll find it in your next box of Lucky Charms.

I wish my nose would stop bleeding.

*Edited for spelling*
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. Of course, having the contents of your entire circulatory system replaced by Play-Doh is really no picnic either.

I wish there was a way to carve a pumpkin and have it come out the way I'm imagining it.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Granted. You sick, sick, sick man! The cops are going to want that as evidence, you know.




I wish I didn't have to go into the office shortly (while still keeping my job, thanks).
 

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Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
You don't have to go into the office shortly. No one could expect it of you, really, seeing as how all the exits to your home have been bricked over.

I wish I knew a competent, non-psychotic, low-priced babysitter!
 

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Posted by firebird (Member # 1971) on :
 
Granted, you have eben indroduced to the most fantastic baby sitter, she is amazing and great price. Unfortunately, she has no time for you.

I wish I had that time resinding devise Hermione had in Harry Potter.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
One time-turner, coming right up! Unfortunately, you meet yourself both coming and going, and the resulting time paradoxes cause the universe to simultaneously implode and explode.



I wish the other person who I work with could develop a pleasant, non-passive-aggressive disposition.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Again? Back to the post office for you!

I wish that when the boss treats the office to goodies, just once, it would be something kosher that I could eat.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
(I call foul! I was carefully specific that this time it was the person who needed to change! )
 

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Posted by aiua (Member # 7825) on :
 
Granted! But in the time that you spent reading this, your co-workers finished the lot.

I wish I could find a dark green robe somewhere in this house in the next half hour.
 

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Posted by firebird (Member # 1971) on :
 
Granted, unfortunately, Voldy is in the dark green robe and low and behold performs the cruxio curse upon you leaving you in utter pain.


I wish for a helicopter (and the ability to fly it!)!
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted. You got your helo and you can fly it. Unfortunately, you didn't learn about restricted airspace. Flying that close to the White House, you were just asking for trouble. The good news is you were insured.

I wish that we get more kids for Halloween next year.
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
HA. Granted. Next year, kids storm your house in the thousands, demanding candy. When you run out they steal all your food and your DVD collection and leave your house torn into shreds.

I wish I could travel in time and get Chaucer to help me write my assignment because that would be awesome.
 

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Posted by Pariah (Member # 8773) on :
 
Granted, Chaucer wrote your paper. Your teacher knows YOU had almost nothing to do with the writing of it, Must have been the difference of vocabulary. Oh by the way he spent so much time working on your paper the Canturberry Tales never were/are/will be Thanks a bunch!

I Wish for the perfect sandwich.
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 

quote:

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Your teacher knows YOU had almost nothing to do with the writing of it, Must have been the difference of vocabulary.

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That's the point of the paper, heh heh, which is why Chaucer writing it would be awesome. .

Granted. You have the perfect sandwich. It's been left out for two weeks though. Now it's the perfect ex-sandwich. It is no more.

I wish I had a day off.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, you are now one day behind the rest of the world. Nobody notices you, but the history books are full of your antics. Weird.

I wish Donna the Buffalo was playing a gig on our block.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Sure. Donna the Buffalo is playing on your block. Your cell block.

I wish I could play guitar.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You can. Badly.

I wish my dog liked baths.
 

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Posted by firebird (Member # 1971) on :
 
Granted, he now loves them, and I mean love. Every little pool of water and there he is rolling in it, a puddle, a pond, a lake. he even jumps into the bath with you!

i wish I knew all the funky restaurants in town.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You know them all. From the quality of their dumpster contents. Mom would be so proud.

I wish the elves had moved my new computer into its new spot for me.
 

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Posted by krynn (Member # 524) on :
 
The dwarves did all that damage your your house just by adding a new cable outlet for your computer?

No, she didnt think that was funny at all actually.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
I wish krynn didn't keep getting "Monkey's Paw" confused with "Begging the Question". They are really not at all alike.
 

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Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
 
Granted. Of course, by giving krynn a lobotomy with a soup spoon you've also given yourself a free ride to Rikers Island. Enjoy life imprisonment.

I wish fried foods were good for your health.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Granted! They are good for MY health. You, however, still can't eat them.

I wish my office were kept at a comfortable temperature.
 

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Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
 
You got it. It has, however, been transplanted to the surface of Venus, which makes the commute slightly less pleasant.

I wish it would rain. La la la la la lalalala.

[ November 01, 2005, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: El JT de Spang ]
 

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Posted by krynn (Member # 524) on :
 
sorry tante, i really enjoy both threads and usually post around 6 in the morning right when i get up and am putting clothes in the dryer so i have something warm when i get out of the shower. bleh.
 

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Posted by krynn (Member # 524) on :
 
granted, but then it starts to hail too and your car is severly dented and windshield is smashed.

i wish i had a PhD in playing video games and made 6 figures a year.
 

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Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :
 
Granted, but then after the first year, they make you sign a noncompete contract and then lay you off, replacing you with a kid straight out of college.

I wish I could get a day job and be home in the evenings with my kids.
 

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Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
 
Okaaay, but your new job is disimpacting elephant bowels at the zoo, and when you get home you smell so bad your kids won't come near you.

I wish alcohol made you smarter.
 

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Posted by Zarex (Member # 8504) on :
 
Granted. However on the day that this happens right before you can take that first sip a knock comes on the door. With a sigh you set down your drink and open the door. Standing on the other side are two young men wearing dark suits and nametags. One of them reads Elder Anderson, the other reads Elder Cluff. They share a message with you about Jesus Christ and his church. They also tell you about how they have a prophet today and impart many glorious truths to you. The message touches your heart and you say you want to be baptised. They agree and you forever more abstain from alcohol.

I wish I could buy Star Wars Battlefront 2 which came out today. (yes I'm a geek)
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Well, go ahead and buy it.

I wish I could come up with a better wish than this one.
 

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Posted by Pariah (Member # 8773) on :
 
Granted you now have the ability to think of a better wish, but the process drains you so much that you'll never get to post it.

I wish that for the next 3 weeks 2+2=5
 

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Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
 
Granted, of course by the new math '3' has been replaced by '2' and '3 weeks from now' is undetermined.


I wish George Lucas had gotten another director for the Star Wars prequels.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Granted. He decided to go with the director that beat him out for best picture when the original movie was released. Yes, Woody Allen directed all three of the prequels. He wasn't happy with the source material, however, and he...well, he changed things. A bit.

Okay, a lot. The true prequels to the original Star Wars trilogy are acually Sweet and Lowdown, Small Time Crooks, and The Curse of the Jade Scorpion.

Lucas felt that these movies didn't hew closely enough to the Star Wars canon, so he went ahead and made the three movies that are commonly thought of as "the Star Wars prequels". For purists like you, though, there will always be the Woody Allen films to console yourself with.

I wish that I had had just exactly the right number of trick or treaters last night to take all of my candy--no kids going away empty handed, and now candy left in my bowl.
 

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Posted by krynn (Member # 524) on :
 
granted, but tonight you have thirty more kids coming to get more candy.

I wish money really did grow on trees.
 

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Posted by Zarex (Member # 8504) on :
 
Granted, too bad you live on easter island (where there are no trees.) However the good news is that that is the only place in the world where the financial economy does not immediately crash.

I wish I could pass all of my classes this semester with a 4.o
 

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Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, this term your school is experimenting with a new grading system, and a 16.0 is a straight 'A' average.

(Remind me to tell you about how I went to college the year they decided to move from a trimester to a semester system, and launch an entirely new core curriculum as well. Or better yet, don't.)

I wish our telephones didn't interfere with our network.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Granted, but they sure do sound tinny and you have to keep the string between phones really, really tight in order to hear anything.

I wish I knew the future.
 

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Posted by aiua (Member # 7825) on :
 
Granted. Hi, my name's Krista.

I wish I were never tired but could still sleep whenever I wanted to.
 

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Posted by Avery Good Schreibner (Member # 8772) on :
 
*Ping* Granted. Here's a sleeping pill. Place it on your forehead. Here's a hammer. Now, drive the pill directly into your frontal lobes. You'll sleep like a babe.

I wish the moon were made of cheese.
 

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Posted by Pariah (Member # 8773) on :
 
Granted the moon is made of cheese now. Of course Now that the moon is made of cheese it can not withstand the gravitational pull of the earth, it breaks apart and splats down right beside your home covering everything in a 20 mile radius in nasty millenia old space cheese, that slightly melted in the atmosphere!

I wish I could write the worlds greatest most original story, that everyone will love.
 

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Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
 
Granted! The only problem with this request is that great original stories are so progressive for their time that it takes a generation for everyone to evolve enough to truly appreciate and love them. As a result, you acheive limited acclaim in your lifetime and die penniless, believing your masterwork was a dismal failure.

I wish there were three more hours in the day.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
OK! Granted. Tomorrow will have only 21 hours, to compensate.

I wish the shoelaces on my winter boots wouldn't keep coming untied -- I can't retie them with my gloves on.
 

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Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
 
OK, but now your gloves have laces.

I wish George Bush was smarter than he currently is.
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
Granted. And what I thing to wish. Now George Bush is very, very intelligent and very very manipulative. He's a political genius. He pulls the strings of the world like a master puppeteer. Soon, the entire world is ruled directly by the American government, and no one can really figure out how it happened. On top of that G.B. is democratcially elected Emperor for Life with an overwhelming majority of the world's people.

There's nothing you can do. George Bush is just always one step ahead of you.

I wish I was doing better in my classes.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You are! And as long as you don't ever give over the negatives, you should graduate with honors.

I wish I'd gotten the motorcycle out tonight.
 

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Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
 
Granted! Time reverses, and you make the choice you wished. The motorcycle breaks down on a nice long stretch of country road that would have been sheer pleasure to ride. No one seems to be coming by either, so you can't hitch a ride into town. And it happens that this is a dead spot for your cell phone, so you can't even call Dana to come rescue you. The moon rises overhead as you slowly walk back to civilization.

I wish the research I have to do was all done.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Well, since you didn't specify...ALL the research is done, for all time. It's over. We've learned everything we can possibly learn. And darn it all, we still don't know enough. Scientists are totally depressed being out of work and horribly unsuited for any other profession. They take over the world out of sheer boredom, and blow it up so they can start over.

I wish I had surround sound.
 

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Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
Ooh. Be careful when you comb your hair, you'll hurt those extra ears. And you don't want to know where your subwoofer is.

I wish my hair didn't tangle itself in knots!
 

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Posted by Pariah (Member # 8773) on :
 
Granted! Your hair just all fell out in a nice straight pile on the floor, No more knots for you huh?

I wish my watch would stop breaking!
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Having deteriorated beyond the point of no return, your watch has indeed ceased to break and now must simply be called "broken."

I wish I had some coffee.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
With a satisfied sigh, you take a sip from your cup of coffee. It is startlingly good--quite possibly the best coffee you've ever had. "Hey, this genie's alright!" you say to yourself as you place the mug on your desk. Well, you think, to work! You pull your keyboard forward, preparing to type something, but the corner of it knocks the cup. Your keyboard, desk, shirt, and your lap are all doused with hot coffee. You clean up as best you can, wincing at the burns the coffee left on your chest, stomach and crotch, and change into something clean and dry. With a sigh you sit back down at your desk and pull open the pencil drawer to get something to write with. Unfortunately, the pencil drawer was pretty much filled with coffee in the spill, unbeknownst to you. It's cold now, so the sliver lining here is that your burns don't get any worse as the coffee slops out of the drawer and into your lap*


*Yes, this is fairly closely based on something that happened to me a few months back.

I wish that I were allowed to visit Sakeriver from work.
 

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Posted by firebird (Member # 1971) on :
 
You get fired from your job, get a job as a saki taster at Nobu and hence are allowed to visit sakeriver (.co.uk) as much as you like.


I wish I had a magic carpet!
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Congratulations! You are the proud owner of one magic carpet. The carpet is imbued with a dweomer that causes all those who look at it to feel sick to their stomachs. Gazing at it for more than a few seconds can actually induce vomiting.

I wish that humanity would colonize the moon and Mars.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
All right, they are now colonized-- with clones of Rush Limbaugh and Martha Stewart.

I wish I weren't so cold.
 

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Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
 
Edit: Too slow!

Granted. You turned up the heat and now have a shockingly huge heating bill for the month.

I wish I weren't sick.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Oh man, ANOTHER dead body. This plague is really getting to be a pain, y'know? Oh well, at least the poor thing isn't suffering anymore.

I wish I'd understood Brinestone's first (pre-edit) post.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
You are granted the ability to understand the invisible and obscure. It is the normal day-to-day stuff that leaves you baffled.

I wish I was not lactose-intolerant.
 

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Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
 
Granted. Unfortunately, you're now allergic to calcium.

I wish I had whatever I needed when I needed it.
 

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Posted by Juxtapose (Member # 8837) on :
 
After twenty or so odd years of receiving everything you need as you need it, you realize that you're completely satisfied and for the first time ever, against all conceivable odds and logic, you need absolutely nothing. Sadly, all of creation instantly winks out of existence. sorry.

I wish I had a pygmy marmoset for a pet.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
Congratulations! Too bad it's illegal to keep them as pets. Have fun in jail. Maybe you can nickname your cellmate "Pygmy."




I wish my eye would stop bothering me so I could put in contacts.
 

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Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
"Fine!" your eye says in a huff, "I never knew I was such a pest. If that's how you feel about it I'll leave right now and never bother you again!" Your other eye chimes in "If she's leaving, then I'm going to!" Your eyes pack their bags and storm off, and you never see them again.


I wish I wasn't so far behind on NaNoWriMo.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :