An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy. How about you?"
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Posted by Koga (Member # 5646) on :
Posted by Speed 2: Cruise Control (Member # 6765) on :
A man goes to a bar to get a quiet drink when he is spotted by the local barfly. She walks over to him and says in a sultry voice, "I want you to make me feel like a real woman." So he takes off his jacket, hands it to her, and says "here, iron this."
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Posted by Eduardo_Sauron (Member # 5827) on :
Oh, man, can't control myself...
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Two men walked into a bar. The third ducked.
Posted by Eduardo_Sauron (Member # 5827) on :
You should really warn people about this thread. It hurts! Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
A man walked into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The duck said "Doc, can you get this guy off my ass?"
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
Raia:
My uncle would have a fit over that joke. He says that there is no such thing as a cowboy, but that "cowboying" is a verb that is used to describe all the things that you mentioned. He really gets his dander up over that.
That said, he's a cowboy. : D
His name is even Dude.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
PSI:
Yep. I've got ranchers in my family line -- but no cowboys.
There's a few sheepherders in my family line as well but we don't talk about them.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
PSI: Haha... right. I know what you mean.
quote: You should really warn people about this thread. It hurts!
Awww, Eduardo, you take all the fun out of it! Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
PSI, does your Uncle abide?
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Have you guys heard of the famous French general who was known for throwing hand grenades into kitchens that he conquered?
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Linoleum Blownapart.
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
Annie, I think that's the worst joke I've heard in the past year or so. And I read a lot of popsicle sticks.
*shakes head solemnly*
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
The secret is, Goat, when you become really smart and really cultured, you will find this joke inexplicably and transcendently funny.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
quote: PSI, does your Uncle abide?
No, he don't.
Posted by signal (Member # 6828) on :
too funny Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
What do you get when you cross a mafioso with a deconstructionist?
An offer you can't understand.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Megan, I'll have to say that your jokes are the funniest I've read in a while. I've been telling the buddhist hot dog one to everyone I see.
Posted by Eduardo_Sauron (Member # 5827) on :
Somebody, please, make the pain go away!!!
I'll be back 2 AM. Then, I'm sure, I'll find these jokes very funny. Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Speed, the last time I heard that joke, it was about 5 times longer and on an airplane. Buildup, man, buildup!
So, a guy decides he needs an outhouse in his backyard. Heads over to his local Home Depot, and buys a handy-dandy Backyard Outhouse Kit, with Real Bricks!
Reads the instructions, and tries to put it together. Has one problem after another. Finally goes back to Home Depot to complain. The guy who sold him the kit agrees to come help him put it together.
The Home Depot clerk begins by tossing out the directions. Soon he has the outhouse put together . . . except for one leftover brick. He examines the brick carefully. Measures it. Weighs it. Pulls out a magnifying glass, and inspects it minutely. Sticks out his tongue and TASTES it.
Finally, he takes the brick, and with one mighty heave, tosses it skyward. The proud owner of the newly-completed outhouse has watched all this in puzzlement. Now he looks up, waiting for the brick to fall back down.
Minutes pass. The clerk packs up his tools and leaves, barely noticed by the befuddled man. Hours pass, then days -- no brick.
[ September 10, 2004, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
That's IT?????
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Oh, didn't like that one? Hmm, ok, how about this one:
Among the people boarding the cross-country flight were a tiny woman with an itty bitty yappy dog (in a carrier) and a large obnoxious fellow with an (unlit) cigar in his shirt pocket.
Her seat was right across the aisle from his, and each eyed the other with distaste. After they had reached cruising altitude, she took her lapdog out of the carrier -- a violation of airlines rules, and clearly an affront to the man's sensibilities.
He asked her to put the dog back in its carrier. When she refused, he angrily pulled out his cigar, lit it, and blew smoke in the woman's face -- and that of the dog, for good measure.
"You jerk!" she screeched. He puffed away. She screamed some more, to no effect. Finally, the woman grabbed the lit cigar, ran for the nearest exit, wrested it open a crack, and tossed the cigar out. With difficulty, she closed the exit again.
The now-apoplectic gentleman seized the yappy dog -- left on its owner's seat, and barking furiously -- and headed for the exit in the opposite direction. To the horror of the woman and the other passengers -- not to mention the airline attendants -- he proceeded to toss the dog out that exit.
The woman burst into tears, and sobbed hysterically for ten minutes or more -- until a fellow passenger noticed something perched on the airplane's wing, visible out their window. "LOOK! Look!"
What had they seen? A small dog smoking a cigar?
No, it was a lone, red . . . brick.
*flees*
[ September 10, 2004, 12:48 AM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
Run fast woman.
Posted by Rappin' Ronnie Reagan (Member # 5626) on :
But... but... cabin pressure! That joke isn't LOGICAL!
...I still laughed though. Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :
what I want to know is - does the dog fall on the outhouse or the guy?
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
A middle-aged married couple were working in the back yard, the husband cleaning the barbeque grill and the wife bent over pulling weeds from the flower garden.
The husband began trading glances between the grill and his wife's posterior. Finally he went to the garage and returned with a tape measure. He proceeded to measure the width of her bottom and then measured the grill. In response to his wife's glare he responded, "Your butt is as big as this grill. The wife didn't respond and the day continued.
That night the husband began to make amorous overtures to which the wife commented, "If you think I'm gonna fire up this grill for one little wiener you are sadly mistaken."
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
If I had read your second joke, rivka, at 10:00 pm, I could have legally had a beer to stem my reaction!!!!
As it is, I have to content myself with leftover pizza and coffee.
You are cruel.
Posted by Eduardo_Sauron (Member # 5827) on :
punwit
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
Annie, missed your post earlier...thanks! Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
DO you realize you couldn't hang a man with a wooden leg in the old west?
Nope.
Not allowed.
You had to use a rope. Do you know how hard it is to make a noose out of a wooden leg?
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
You know why I never watch pirate movies?
They're all rated ARRRGH!
Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
My buddy at work once commented how I must be some kind of software pirate, since my install disc had no label.
Does anyone recall that 80's tune in which the video featured Ronald Reagan and Nancy and the chorus went along like this:
"I wanna be a cowboy . . . And you can be my cowgirl . . . "
Frightening.
Posted by BelladonnaOrchid (Member # 188) on :
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants and the bar-tender looks up to him and says,"You know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants, don't you?"
The pirate looks at him, squints and says,"Arghh! I do and it's driving me nuts!"
[ September 10, 2004, 09:54 PM: Message edited by: BelladonnaOrchid ]
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
<checking calendar> is it the 18th already?
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
19th. We're just gearing up.
You know what a pirate's favorite fast food joint is, don't you?
Arrrby's.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
What type of footwear do pirates wear when they are planning a sneak attack?
Arrrguiles with sneakers.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
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