I got a letter from my dad the other day telling me that some aunt or other has relatives in Dallas and may call on me when she is in town. I know her by name, and met her years and years ago when we first moved to Utah. That's fine.
It was the second line that killed me.
quote:You remember Hillary. You attended her wedding at the capitol last year.
Yes, I remember Hillary. No, I did not know she was married and I did not attend the wedding. I was not invited.
This should be a surprise to no one.
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Ouch. *huggles*
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
You're invited to my wedding.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Damn. Kat, I'm sorry that they do this. At least in this case is wasn't a family member that you were theoretically close to.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
That is really weird. Well, I give you permission to make a point of not seeing her as long as you let her know the non invite was the reason.
Posted by the master (Member # 6788) on :
i'm not sure that makes any sense. i certainly wouldn't be expected to be invited to the wedding of a relative of an aunt i'd met once in my life.
of course, if i were in kat's shoes i'd be pretty furious about my father bringing up weddings i wasn't invited to.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
((((((((((((((Kat)))))))))))))))
Oh dear, I'm so sorry. Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I think there's an obvious answer. The reason Katie occasionally feels ignored and/or slighted by her family is that an evil imposter -- one who looks almost exactly like her -- has been showing up to events and usurping her life.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I think it's the good twin that is usurping my life. Judging from my dad's descriptions of me and his puzzlement when we do interact, this other Katie is a delight.
She goes to family weddings, she didn't go on a mission, she got married a long time ago, and I think she was a cheerleader in high school. She's definitely blonde. She works at the family business, along with my dad, my uncle, my grandfather, two of my cousins and four out of four brothers.
She must be ignoring the baby brother, though, because the baby loves me.
[ September 01, 2004, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Kama, I am SO coming to your wedding. I have a plan for decorating the car.
Posted by the master (Member # 6788) on :
that's going to be a fabulous movie staring that lost in translation chick. it already sounds better than the preview for that movie about one girl taking the other's place that they showed before garden state.
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
I realize you have no idea who I am, but I'd be happy to come to your wedding if it would make you feel any better.
Or I could dress up in drag and go to a relative's wedding, claiming to be you.
-Trevor
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Oh, kat. That really sucks...
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
(((kat)))
Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
(((kat)))
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
Can you write back to your Dad and say something like,
Hey Dad, it's me, Katie. You remember me, you attended my wedding at the capitol last summer.
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
Actually, when I think of all my potential respsonses to that letter the inevitable conclusion I reach is that you're a much nicer person than I am.
But at the end of the day, it still stinks. Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Ooooh, cheap shot Bob.
I love it.
-Trevor
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote:Hey Dad, it's me, Katie. You remember me, you attended my wedding at the capitol last summer
You know, I was so tempted. When I do get married, I'm seriously tempted to elope. That would keep with tradition.
*sigh* The problem is, I think families are important and mine obviously missed the boat somewhere, so while I want to elope, I'm pretty sure that the guy I'll pick won't.
----
It is ironic. I barely know this cousin, so it's not a crisis. It just adds to the pile. I'm more offended that my dad doesn't remember that I wasn't there. Tom's explanation makes much more sense.
I don't know that I'm more nice. What I sent back was this:
quote:If they called, I would delighted to see them. I think I know who you are talking about. I remember Hillary, but I did not attend her wedding. I was not invited.
Katie
[ September 01, 2004, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by raventh1 (Member # 3750) on :
I'd invite you to mine, but well, I'm pretty sure I won't be getting married within the decade; By then you will have forgotten. So consider yourself invited to the party that isn't getting planned .
Well, thats the best I could do: Next!
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
Dear family,
While there have been some happy moments in this family, I have decided to adopt myself out. The family I'm a part of now invites me to huge reunions and is happy to see me. If any of you are interested in breaking free and joining me in this new family, we will welcome you.
Sincerely, Katarina Rack
Posted by MaydayDesiax (Member # 5012) on :
(((kat)))
Yes, I agree with Tom.
Dopplegangers!
"Tell it to Queen Dopple-popple-opolous!"
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
*hugs kat*
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
See, that's so much more nice because all you do is state, quite simply, what happened. Although I suspect "delighted" might be a bit of hyperbole. I would totally succomb to my baser desires and have a little fun with the response. Where's the joy of being confused for someone else if you don't get to play another part? While I might be more satisfied with snarky and biting replies I think I may think less of myself at the same time. It's trading one sort of satisfaction for another. Stupid cake that I can't eat.
But please, for my sake, even if you do invite your family to your wedding at least write a letter pretending you didn't. You don't even have to send it Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Well, since there were pictures taken of me at KamaCon for the first time in a year or so, I have been e-mailing him pictures for the past week.
I could just e-mail one with me in a dress and someone's arm about my shoulders. Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
That's a great idea kat! Actually, make it the picture in Kama's album of the two of you. Posted by the master (Member # 6788) on :
*beaten by the tick*
*shakes fist*
[ September 01, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: the master ]
Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
You must've rubbed of on me. ::bows to the master::
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
Or you could just stop sending pictures of you and start sending ones of Kama pretending they're you.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Dear Katie,
I'm not surprised you don't remember -- see, we had you kidnapped and brainwashed so that we could make you forget ever attending all of these family functions. We thought that would be better for you than remembering them, since they're so frightfully dull. Next time you see me, if you REALLY want to remember the wedding, I can give you the memory trigger.
Dad
P.S. Sorry, I just watched the 1962 film version of The Manchurian Candidate. Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
I note that Kat deleted the post concerning giving her grandfather a heart attack.
-Trevor
Posted by Zevlag (Member # 1405) on :
**hugs for Katie**
Atleast stuff like this doesn't come as a shock anymore...
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I'm starting to think my dad has lost his grip on reality. I haven't been home in almost two years except for a 48 hour jaunt to put in an appearance. Did he honestly not notice?
[ September 01, 2004, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Or it was an indirect barb of sorts.
-Trevor
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
((Kat))
Damn evil twins...
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
Kat, it could certainly be something very innocent. I've missed quite a few family events over the years and frequently Mom forgets that I wasn't there. It was a family thing, the family did it, I'm family, I must have been there. I do similar things within my group of friends. Heck, give it two years and I'm sure people who went to KamaCon will assume that some people who weren't there were.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I know - that'll be weird. At least you, me, twink, and Banna got to hang out, though.
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
That was really cool. Did twink and I tell you about sneaking back across the border when we left? We actually didn't have any problems on the American side but one of the Canadian border guards noticed us. It's too bad we didn't see more people that night, but we were in and out of there so fast that it was nice to have quality time with the two of you rather than trying to fit in the whole crowd, y'know?
Anyway, hopefully we'll be able to stay longer at the next one.
Posted by AmkaProblemka (Member # 6495) on :
Men who've had women take care of family things their whole life are often somewhat oblivious to those family things. If the woman passes away, the widower often does not have the skills necessary to keep up good contact with family, to smooth over rough spots, to simply remember who was where when. They can feel abandoned and lonely, especially if they've always had a woman take care of them in some way, and suddenly they are 'on their own'.
Also, in my experience, people can often mix events together in their memory. This is especially true of family functions where there are quite a few over the lifetime and most of the faces are always familiar. It wouldn't suprise me if sometimes your dad tells your stepmom, remember when X happened? And she says no. But you were there. No, that was your first wife.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
It's been seven years. When does he get to stop playing the widower card?
quote:They can feel abandoned and lonely, especially if they've always had a woman take care of them in some way, and suddenly they are 'on their own'.
Gee, I wonder what that feels like.
[ September 01, 2004, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Bob, yeah - at least y'all could make it. The sharpie finally washed off. Did twinky ever find his other sock?
Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
If you ever do want to adopt yourself out, Katie, you know where the Fowler clan lives. We'll laugh at your jokes and tease you mercilessly about the litter of broken hearts you've left behind.
Thus concludes my daily post. Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
kat, Kama took the sock back to Narnia. Duh.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Olivia!!!! *hug* Thanks.
Posted by AmkaProblemka (Member # 6495) on :
It isn't a question of when he can stop playing the widow card. Many of the skills he may never, ever acquire. Especially since he married another woman and now feels comfortable. It appears as if the stepmom can't or won't step in to fill in some of the gaps left.
When you left on your mission, you didn't do anything wrong. Kids grow up, move out, do what they need to do. But suddenly, he was 'alone'. Yes, there were sons but to the man who has always been taken care of by women, this may have been very frightening. This may be why he couldn't wait to get married. He may have felt guilting for getting angry at his wife dying (a natural reaction). So he got angry at you, because you could control your actions. If he never really wanted you to go on a mission, then that only validated his anger. See! You weren't being the proper woman and taking care of the man. His anger at you may very well be why he wouldn't even wait a couple of weeks to get married.
I don't know how angry he is now, but it seems by his letter that he is at least trying to reach out, and quite obliviously pushed a sore spot. The very fact that he remembers you at an event that you weren't at suggests to me that he misses you.
The whole situation is very painful to everyone involved. It sucks pretty badly. I hope you and your whole family can find a way to heal.
edited for spelling
[ September 01, 2004, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: AmkaProblemka ]
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
So my sin was that I didn't stay home and keep house for my dad like a good girl? Instead I went off into the world?
This is why proscribed gender roles can be so incredibly destructive.
I do not believe that noticing whether or not a child is present is the sole province of the mother. To excuse it because "he's just a man" is doing great fathers everywhere a horrible disservice.
----
ETA re: master's post: I agree that I don't think this is a big thing at all. It was almost funny. Other things, however, HAVE been big things, and this stirred that up a little bit.
[ September 01, 2004, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by the master (Member # 6788) on :
given that he can also control his actions, even if your reasoning was dead accurate, it in now way makes it acceptable. she can't be mad at him because he's mad at her and that's why he makes these kind of remarks? even her angry at him sends polite responses.
Posted by the master (Member # 6788) on :
and i think it's much more likely that this is a small issue of memory slipage than an deliberate insult, so really i don't think it warrents this level of character analysis.
Posted by AmkaProblemka (Member # 6495) on :
Of course it isn't your sin. I'm just saying my admittedly ignorant speculation on what it appeared to be to your father. I'm not saying that your father's perception was good. I don't think it was. Just understandable. Understanding something doesn't mean you agree with it. Edit: But I think understanding makes things much easier to deal with.
It isn't a matter of him being a man or not. It is a matter of him probably mistaking seeing you in one event for seeing you in another. This is common enough among people of both genders, and gets even more common as memory piles on top of memory. My mom has forgotten many important details in my life that she was there for. I'm just saying that I think that particular misstep on his part was innocent of any anger or getting back at you or an intent to offend at all.
[ September 01, 2004, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: AmkaProblemka ]
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
To give my dad credit, he is trying. He's started calling me (this is new), and last week he excitedly shared an article he read where 60% of Australian women in their late twenties aren't married.
He's trying to understand. This is nice. This is an improvement. This is hilarious, but I appreciate the effort.
[ September 01, 2004, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by AmkaProblemka (Member # 6495) on :
Being angry is fine, good, healthy. Staying angry hurts only the angry person.
And I agree, Kat has dealt very politely with her family.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Kat, you aren't in your late twenties. It's OK if you don't point this out to him, but I just thought I'd point it out to YOU. You are in your mid-twenties.
Posted by AmkaProblemka (Member # 6495) on :
I'd also like to add that denying anger is also very unhealthy and that it can take quite a while to honestly let go of anger.
Posted by AmkaProblemka (Member # 6495) on :
Well, Kat, I'm glad it wasn't my parents but my grandma was getting worried about me not having a boyfriend when I was 16.
And my grandpa had reservations that my husband was a red commie. He still brought up an old BF of mine that he liked well into my marriage.
[ September 01, 2004, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: AmkaProblemka ]
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
On a related note, I'm in my early twenties.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I'm not sure where you're going with this, twinky. *grin*
-----
My grandmother has wailed several times, but I don't have a problem shutting that down. My grandfather, bless his heart, has supported me in every decision in my life and always comes up with reasons as to why what I'm doing is good.
[ September 01, 2004, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Posted by AmkaProblemka (Member # 6495) on :
That would be my other grandma (like your dear grandfather, Kat).
![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
*huggles*
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
I'm more offended that my dad doesn't remember that I wasn't there. Tom's explanation makes much more sense. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
.![[Smile]](smile.gif)