My mother's friend, whose parents were missionaries to India and who married an Indian engineer and now lives in India herself, that I have met twice in my life, just sent me a wedding invitation to her son's wedding in Iowa.
I don't really know these people and have no desire to drive to Des Moines for a wedding of people who I don't know at all. The only thing that has ever dragged me that far away from home in that direction was dkw. And I knew and wanted to se her!
What is the polite thing to do?
AJ
And it ticks me off that by virtue of the fact that this woman knows my mother I am now likely obligated to send at least a small gift which is the only option I can see out of it.
[ July 13, 2004, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by ak (Member # 90) on :
The polite thing is to write a nice congratulatory note and send your regrets. I'm sure they will not take it terribly amiss if you simply fail to reply, given the lack of closeness between you. But it takes little effort to write the note, and it is a good and friendly thing to do. If you want to be very friendly, you could send some sort of gift, however this is not required.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Gifts are never required. Don't feel bad about not sending one, but do send a small note.
It is disconcerting to get reply cards with nothing but the impersonal check, even from people you only invited because your mother wanted to.
You don't even have to give a reason, just an "I'm sorry, we can't make it."
Dagonee
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
at least I don't have to pay postage...
AJ
Posted by Lupus (Member # 6516) on :
just send a note and say that you cannot attend due to a scheduling conflict, and congratulate them. If you don't want to lie...just find something else to do that day. Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Well I'm simply checking the "regrets" box on the rsvp card and sending it in the enclosed stamped envelope. Her family doesn't know me from Adam anyway.
I'm guessing that they feel just as squicked about inviting the future mother in laws strange friends as the other way around and they couldn't get out of it either.
My mother wants me to go as her representative to appease her own guilt trip for not going.
Though this whole predicament is normal for fundamentalist Christians. Most of them just don't realize how rude they are when they "mean well"
AJ
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
quote:My mother wants me to go as her representative to appease her own guilt trip for not going.
Glad you're not falling for that. *shudder*
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
but I still feel guilty
Stupid parental guilt trips.
AJ
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
"And it ticks me off that by virtue of the fact that this woman knows my mother I am now likely obligated to send at least a small gift which is the only option I can see out of it."
Banna, a different take on this.
My step-father in law is Indian American. It is a very tight-knit group. Find out what the Indian custom is. It might be VERY different from American etiquette. It might be simple and easy. My feeling is that you are, to them, family. Don't take this as rude on their part. They might feel obligated to YOU.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Or you could go and take the opportunity to visit friends in the area.
Just a thought. Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
Give them a big, big gift. Something truly fantastic. That way they'll love you more.
And love is good! Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
Generally, way more people are invited than are expected to attend. Many of the invitations are sent out to help the invitee feel included, and in order to announce the marriage. Also, if the invitees feel bad enough to send a gift or money, so much the better for the couple.
Posted by Zeugma (Member # 6636) on :
On theknot.com, it's known as a "gift grab". :-P
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Or, in the case of my family, I routinely get invites from people I've never known before because they're getting married or some other special
It's hard for me to know or care if you never show up at the local family functions.
-Trevor
Edited: Just because
[ July 14, 2004, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: TMedina ]
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
And a ton of invitations sent are parental favor grabs. At work it's why we suggest ordering another 25 invitations than your guest list suggests. There's always an old business associate a dad wants to invite, or one of Mom's old college/bridge party buddies that have no real connection to the bride or groom.
It's just part of the wedding deal. Sounds like you received one of those invitations. The polite and easiest way to respond is to simply put a check in the "regretfully cannot attend" space and leave it at that.
Chances are that the bride and groom will simply pass it over and not give it a second's thought. They've got bigger things on their minds than whether Mom's friend's daughter they haven't met will be able to attend.
An explaination isn't really necessary and if given, might make them feel obligated to drop you a line in return during this busy time.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Obviously you're going on a bike ride that day and can't make the wedding, but if they're ever up for waching le Tour de France with you they should feel free stop by in July.
Hobbes Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
So your mother's friend's daughter's son is getting married and you've never met this person, and you're wonderng about etiquette?
Forget the gift. Send me money so I can finish the Implacable Engine of Ultimate Destruction sooner. It is utterly guarenteed to make all questions of etiquette moot.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I'm still not happy to know that the IEUD is being tested in the same metropolitan area I live in.
Dagonee
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
None of us are happy about that Dag, but sometimes we can take refuge and comfort in the fact that we have no clue what you're talking about.
Hobbes
[ July 14, 2004, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: Hobbes ]
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Dag, can't you sue him before he even marets the thing? A pre-emptive suit?
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
As for parental guilt trips, I have a time-honored technique:
"Waaaaah."
or
"Bite me."
and a personal fave - "If its not important enough for you to worry about it, why should I?"
-Trevor
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
*pat, pat* Dag.
Poverino.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I think I'm just checking the box. Haven't actually mailed it cause I'm swamped at work again.
AJ
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Elizabeth, I could. But that's so messy. I'm thinking of sending the covert team in to take care of it. There's a lot less paperwork for one of those.
That makes me curious, has there ever been an intra-Hatrack lawsuit?
And Hobbes, you're not the only one who doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about. Read the post above mine - both Scott and I are in Northern Virginia.
Dagonee
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
I've officially lost the funny.
Hobbes Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Hatrack Court. I like it.
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
They will probably be relieved that you aren't attending. We had X seats available at the reception, but sent out >X invitations because of all the "required" invites, like family I hadn't seen or talked to in 30 years.
We had it carefully determined who would and wouldn't attend. We hit the mark dead on. No empty seats and we didn't have to bring any extras in.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Banana, that is where you regift some hideous gift that you want to get out of the house. Send something really tacky in the hopes of collecting the stamp they send on the mandatory "Thank You" note they write while they should be enjoying their honeymoon.
Intra-Hatrack Lawsuit? The only one I can think of was between Geoff and his father over whether Ender's Game was a rip off of Geoff's adventures at summer camp.
Geoff lost.
Big time.
However, I would love the position in Hatrack Court. I could be the sleazy reporter who likes to lie about what happens in the closed court sessions.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Bring it, Dagonee.
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
I hope we aren't talking Jatraquero Grande Jury here.
I don't need anymore jury duty, thanks.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Scott, your taunt just doesn't have much oomph without the "on."
It would be kind of like high-fiving someone and saying, "Right!"
Posted by Happy Camper (Member # 5076) on :
Got a quick and utterly unrelated question, other than the fact that it has to do with wedding invitations and this seemed as good a place as any. I just got a wedding invitation for some close friends of mine, and I plan to go, but the RSVP card just has a blank for the response. Is there something specific (etiquette wise) I'm supposed to write in there? Or can I write anything indicating the affirmative?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
If the invitation was addressed to you "and guest" or "and family," be sure to say how many will be attending.
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
I'm SO up for Jury Duty. I just did one, but I'm looking to convict somebody. Err, I mean, my prior court experience will not affect my ability to judge fairly.
Rant for lawyers: When you make the jury believe that X was guilty, please provide enough EVIDENCE so that we can actually convict, instead of sitting in deliberation for two days trying to find a way that we can. And when we come back, frustrated that we weren't able to bring justice to a wronged little girl, please don't roll your eyes at us as if we had somehow failed in OUR duty. WE are not the ones charged with presenting the proof.
*Points angry finger at annoying attorney* (Not you, Dag.)
/rant
[ July 14, 2004, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: PSI Teleport ]
Posted by ak (Member # 90) on :
"Thank you, I shall certainly come." Then sign your name.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
That is so annoying, PSI. We were taught in persuasion for advocates that the job of closing (never "summation") is to teach jurors who want to vote your way how to convince other jurors to do so. This necessarily means showing them how the elements of a crime are satisfied for a prosecutor (as much as you can - technically you have to let the judge explain the elements).
Dagonee
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
PSI – if there wasn’t enough evidence to convict, why do you think you should have?
Posted by UTAH (Member # 5032) on :
Check the box. Send it back, without a gift, which is not obligatory. As for guilt . . . let me know how you do on that point!
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
That's actually the action of a responsible jury - one who's been persuaded the guy did it, but are living up to their oath.
This "innocent until proven guilty" thing doesn't mean you can't form an opinion as to whether the guy did it.
Dagonee
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Maybe it's time to register Member 6700, Judge Mental.
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