quote:

---

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a f**king big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of f**king fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the f**k you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing f**king junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f**ked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.

Choose your future.

Choose life.

I chose not to choose life. I chose something else.

---

quote:

---

You're a son of a *****, you know that? She bought her first new car and you hit her with a drunk driver. What, is that supposed to be funny? 'You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God,' says Graham Greene. I don't know whose *** he was kissing there, 'cause I think you're just vindictive. What was Josh, a warning shot? That was my son.

What did I ever do to yours but praise his glory and praise his name? There's a tropical storm that's gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since you took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year. Sixty-eight crew. You know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns. Just goes around fixing other ships and delivers the mail. That's all it can do. Gratias tibi ago, domine.

Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased you, you feckless thug? Three point eight million jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, thirty million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children. That's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto, a deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem. Tuus in terra servus, nuntius fui. Officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem!"

---

[ July 08, 2004, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
 

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Posted by fil (Member # 5079) on :
 
Yes, that was clearly Trainspotting.

Great Rant. This last one, though...hmmm...

fil
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Martin Sheen in the American President, aimed at God?
 

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Posted by Fishtail (Member # 3900) on :
 
The second rant is directed at the Almighty. The last Latin bit has something to do with suffering, I think.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
Maybe something from one of the short stories in Morrow's Bible Stories for Adults kat? It doesn't quite read like one of Morrow's pieces, but thematically it's quite a bit like him.
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Dagonee was really close. Can anyone get more specific?

[ July 08, 2004, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
 

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Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
 
Bother. I was so proud I knew the Trainspotting one, and then I realised it had already been answered.
 

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Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
 
That last rant was obviously directed at a muggle.
 

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Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
 
I didn't think Martin Sheen was IN An American President. Maybe West Wing?
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Maybe I got the title wrong. It's the one where he's dating Annette Benning.
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
The president in that movie was played by Michael Douglas. Martin Sheen was the chief of staff. But you got two out of the three right.

Added: Yeah, it was West Wing.

[ July 08, 2004, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
It was the season finale of the second season.

And to not tie up the thread and let it move on, here's what the Latin said. I have no pretensions to being able to do without a Latin dictionary. I miss school. No liberties with the original Latin - this is not pretty, it's literal.

Gratias tibi ago, Domine.

I give thanks to thee, Lord.

Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto, a deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem. Tuus in terra servus, nuntius fui. Officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem!

I am to believe this from a holy God? A just God, an omniscient God? To hell with your punishments. I was your servant on earth, your messenger. I have completed my office. To hell with your punishments! To hell with them!
 

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Posted by fil (Member # 5079) on :
 
In that vein...

quote:

---

I want you to be yourself. Y'know, boy, guilt is like a bag of f%^&*&% bricks. All you gotta do is set it down.....Who are you carrying all those bricks for anyway? God? Is that it? God? Well, I'll tell ya, lemme give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts! He gives this extraordinary gift and then--what does he do? I swear--for his own amusement--his own private cosmic gag reel--he sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time! Look. But don't touch! Touch. But don't taste! Taste. Don't swallow! [laughs] And while you're jumping from one foot to the next, he's laughing his sick f%^&*&% ass off!! He's a tight a$$, he's a sadist, he's an absentee landlord!! Worship that never!

---

quote:

---

From space, it seems an abstraction -- a magician's trick on a darkened stage. And from this distance one might never imagine that it is alive. It first appeared in the sea almost four billion years ago in the form of single-celled life. In an explosion of life spanning millions of years, nature's first multicellular organisms began to multiply... and then it stopped. 440 million years ago, a great mass extinction would kill off nearly every species on the planet leaving the vast oceans decimated and empty.

Slowly, plants began to evolve, then insects, only to be wiped out in the second great mass extinction upon the Earth. The cycle repeated again and again. Reptiles emerging, independent of the sea only to be killed off. Then dinosaurs, struggling to life along with the first birds, fish, and flowering plants - their decimations Earth's fourth and fifth great extinctions.

Only 100,000 years ago, Homo Sapiens appear-- man. From cave paintings to the Bible to Columbus and Apollo 11, we have been a tireless force upon the earth and off cataloguing the natural world as it unfolds to us. Rising to a world population of over five billion people all descended from that original single cell, that first spark of life. But for all our knowledge, what no one can say for certain, is what or who ignited that original spark. Is there a plan, a purpose or a reason to our existence? Will we pass, as those before us, into oblivion, into the sixth extinction that scientists warn is already in progress?

Or will the mystery be revealed through a sign, a symbol, a revelation?

---

quote:

---

*sad that this turned into a "be-obscene-towards-God thread*

---

fil

[ July 08, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: fil ]
 

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Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
 
I'll go ahead and guess on fil's:

Job?

Or, wait....Job's wife?

[ July 08, 2004, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: PSI Teleport ]
 

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Posted by fil (Member # 5079) on :
 
Olivetta, hint: Think big time scene chewer...and though not from the same movie, the words "Hoo haa."



fil
 

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Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
 
Oh! Al Pacino as the Devil.... the one with Keanu...
 

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Posted by fil (Member # 5079) on :
 
Bingo! Now yours...er...doesn't sound familiar. Book? Movie? Hints?

fil
 

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Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
 
TV show. Famous for vague, pseudo-scientific voice-overs.
 

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Posted by fil (Member # 5079) on :
 
Olivetta, if yours ended with "Pull the string! Pull the string!" I would say the beginning of "Plan 9 from Outer Space."

"Future events such as these will effect us in the future."

fil
 

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Posted by fil (Member # 5079) on :
 
Golly, it has to be Fox from X-Files rambling on about stuff?

fil
 

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Posted by fil (Member # 5079) on :
 
Another pop cult classic:

quote:

---

You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.
We use words like honor, code, loyalty...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

---

Too easy.

fil
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Jack Nicholson to Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men (by Aaron Sorkin, no less. That man can write rants!).
 

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Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
 
That particular 'Duchovnian rant' was actually delivered by Scully, but Chris Carter is still responsible for this shite.

P.S. The term 'Duchovnian Rant' was cribbed from Dennis Miller (hilariously appropriate because of the times David Duchovny had to deliver rants like that for the X-Files)
 

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Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
 
way too easy fil... even *I* got that one...

(Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men)
 

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Posted by fil (Member # 5079) on :
 
Last easy one for day... :-)

quote:

---

Do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake? Children's ice cream!...You know when fluoridation began?...1946. 1946, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works. I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love...Yes, a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence. I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women...women sense my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake...but I do deny them my essence.

---

quote:

---

A gun rack? A...a gun rack. Yeah, right! I don't even own A gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?

---

 

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Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
 
"How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb."

One of my favorites!
 

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Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
 
not the last easy one...

there was Mike Myers in Wayne's World above, and then there's this one...

quote:

---

Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman? Huh? No $h1t. I really wanna know. Or do you think it was another one of His minor mistakes like tidal waves, earthquakes, FLOODS? You think women are like that? S'matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Of course He does. We ALL make mistakes. Of course, when WE make mistakes they call it evil. When GOD makes mistakes, they call it... nature. So whaddya think? Women... a mistake... or DID HE DO IT TO US ON PURPOSE?

---

quote:

---

We can never talk about God behind his back. We cannot speak of God in His absence. … The God who is being discussed is also there. The attitude people take to Him can never be merely theoretical. To deny Him is to spite Him to His face.--
A. Skevington Wood

---

quote:

---

For the past fifteen minutes now, you've been droning on about names. Toby, Toby, Toby, Toby Wong, Toby Wong, Toby Wong. Toby Chung, ***king Charlie Chan. I got Madonna's big d**k coming out of my left ear, and Toby the... I-don't-know-what, coming out of my right.

---

quote:

---

I once knew an Episcopalian lady in Newport, Rhode Island, who asked me to design and build a doghouse for her Great Dane. The lady claimed to understand God and His Ways of Working perfectly. She could not understand why anyone should be puzzled about what had been or about what was going to be.

And yet, when I showed her a blueprint of the doghouse I proposed to build, she said to me, "I'm sorry, but I never could read one of those things."

"Give it to your husband or your minister to pass on to God," I said, "and, when God finds a minute, I'm sure he'll explain this doghouse of mine in a way that even you can understand."

She fired me. I shall never forget her. She believed that God liked people in sailboats much better than He liked people in motorboats. She could not bear to look at a worm. When she saw a worm, she screamed.

She was a fool, and so am I, and so is anyone who thinks he can see what God is Doing

---

quote:

---

So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?

---

quote:

---

Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies -- :
'God damn it, you've got to be kind.'

---

quote:

---

...life is like a mop, and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff.

Well, you, you gotta clean it out! You gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad that a mop is not good enough, a mop isn't good enough. You gotta get down there with a, with a toothbrush ya know! You gotta scrub, you gotta get it all off, you gotta really try to get it all off.

And if that doesn't work, you can't give up! You gotta stand right up, run to the window and say: "HEY! These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

---

quote:

---

'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

---

I couldn't find the God rant from George Spigot in "Bedazzled", so I setttled for this.
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
John Cleese in his most famous role!
 

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Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
 
Robin Hood in Time Bandits?
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 

 

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Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
 
I really wish I could find the script for "Bedazzled" though.
 

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Posted by Ben (Member # 6117) on :
 

quote:

---

Problem? I haven't got a problem. I've got ****ing problems. Plural. Well, most recently, there's room 309, there's this scary Mexican gangster dude poking his finger in my chest. There's his hooligan kids snapping their fingers at me. There's a putrid, rotting corpse of a dead whore stuck in the springs of the bed. There's rooms blazing afire. There's a big fat needle from God knows where, stuck in my leg, infecting me with God knows what. And finally there's me, walking out the door, right ****ing now. Buenas noches.

---

 

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Posted by fil (Member # 5079) on :
 
Tim Roth in "Four Rooms?"

fil
 

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Posted by Ben (Member # 6117) on :
 
hooray! somebody got it.
 

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Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
 
I hadn't even seen Four Rooms, and I knew that one.
 

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Posted by Ben (Member # 6117) on :
 
how?

it is a damn fine movie by the way. i own the script book. you should see the movie. i'll loan you my dvd.
 

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Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
 
It just sounded like something that would fit into what I know of Four Room's premise. That and it sounds like something Tarrantino might write.

Here's another:

quote:

---

I have something to say to all the sons out there. To all the boys,
to all the men, to all of us. It's about women, and how they are not
mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No, they are our wives,
they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our
nieces and nephews---well, not our nephews...

---

 

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Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
 
Noemon, your last guess is correct.

-Bok
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Homoer Simpson, in a strip club.
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
With the lead pipe?
 

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Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
 
Very good, Dag!

I'm fresh out.
 

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Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
 
Not sure if this is technically a rant, and it's pretty easy, but anyway:

quote:

---

The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules or took a few liberties with our female party guests--we did. But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few sick, perverted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you--isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do what you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you bad-mouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!

---

quote:

---

Well I had no choice, did I? I'm a woman. Women are obliged to be far more skillful than men. You can ruin our reputation and our life with a few well-chosen words. So of course I had to invent not only myself but ways of escape no one has every thought of before. And I've succeeded because I've always known I was born to dominate your sex and avenge my own.

---

 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Martha Stewart?

(I know that's not right, but it felt right. )
 

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Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
 
Dag -

It's not that far off when I think about it, but it's still not her.
 

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Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
 
Madonna?
 

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Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
 
You mean Esther?

Nope.
 

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Posted by fil (Member # 5079) on :
 
Whatshername from that Cricton movie? Er...dang. I could google, but not allowed! Aiiee! Uh. You know, the one with that older actor's son. And Bruce Willis' ex-wife? And...virtual reality...and...er...

That's it, I'm out of here. (work fried brain today...must get new one).

fil
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Okay, I can't guess because I have to admit that I googled it, but hot dang. That lady has ALWAYS creeped me out.
 

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Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
 
I cheated and looked it up. Which is just as well cause I've never seen the movie.

AJ
 

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Posted by UofUlawguy (Member # 5492) on :
 
Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happended to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from highschool becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?
 

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Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
 
I've heard the age one, but I don't remember what in.
 

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Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
 
its a commencement address but I don't know who said it.

AJ
 

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Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
 
that would make sense because I read about 20 commencement speaches this year (in speech class with)
 

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Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
 
It's not a commencement speech, it's said by Billy Crystal's character to an elementary school class in City Slickers.

Edit: I believe the event in the movie is some sort of career day, but I could be wrong.

[ July 09, 2004, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: saxon75 ]
 

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Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
 
Well it looks like those commencment speeches that make the e-mail spam rounds.
*sigh* I clearly haven't seen enough movies, good or bad to play this game.

AJ
 

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Posted by UofUlawguy (Member # 5492) on :
 
saxon's right. It's Billy Crystal in City Slickers.
 

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Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
 
that makes sense too, I saw that scene from that movie a couple weeks ago on tv.

AJ I haven't seen enough movies to play this game either.
 

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Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
 
Wait, no one got mine!
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Mrs. M - it's brilliant. I know it, but only because I googled it. I wouldn't have otherwise.
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Yeah, I want to know that one. With this much time having passed, should we let one of the googlers answer it?

Dagonee
 

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Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
 
Thanks, Kat. I have tons more quotes from that movie - I was a bit obsessed when I was in HS and I copied down all the quotes from the tape (this was a couple of years before DVDs and IMDb).

I could just tell y'all where it's from.
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Hmmm... was it Glen Close? I'm trying to remember the movie, but it was pre-VHS...
 

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Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
 
Dagonee you have the correct person.

I'm sure everyone will know where this one, possibly my favorite rant ever comes from.

quote:

---

Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll give it a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a sh**. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie takin' shrapnel in the a$$. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his a$$ got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his a$$ is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what do I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

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