This is topic Someone's died. Who takes care of the survivors? in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
When it's not technically your business, but those whose business it is may be thinking of other things, and it has to be taken care of, what can you do?

Backstory:

I have a middle brother who was married last year. His wife's mother was in a terrible, terrible car accident four years ago that left her with a great deal of brain damage. She was able to still live at home and her family took care of her, but it has been hard for everyone - especially the mom, because she had just enough left to realize all that she had lost. Yesterday, or maybe on Tuesday, the mom felt tired and a little out of breath and went into the bedroom. The nineteen-year-old daughter found her there, unconscious, about fifteen minutes later. By the time the paramedics got there, she was gone.

Now, the family has had four years to try to adjust to this, and the rest of the family was home. But I'm still worried about the girl.

I think someone needs to watch over her, specifically. It's the family's job, but they are caught in the same grief. They may or may not be capable of it, and you can't just hope that they will.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I called my stepmom to see what was being done. She didn't want to have anything to do with it, so I called my dad. I tried to explain why I was worried about her, and why no one could necessarily be sure that her dad was taking care of her, and my dad promised to follow up and make sure she saw a grief counselor if necessary, and to basically make sure she didn't fall through the cracks. Yes. Good. Thank you, Daddy.

But it made me think of the larger issue. My stepmother's reasoning was that it wasn't any of her business. Well, technically no, but those whose business it is may be busy with other things. How do you tell when it is needed and when it isn't okay to make sure someone is taken care of? Didn't Dickens say mankind is your business? But then there's the privacy and respect issues. What do you think?

[ June 17, 2004, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
 

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Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
 
You acted both appropriately and concientiously, with acceptable restraint. I don't think anyone could ask for more than that.

You rock, kat!
 

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Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
 
You just like asking questions with no answers don't you?

I don't think there is any response beyond you do what you feel is required. Which sets no standard to adhere to.
 

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Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
 
It's pretty simple, you do what is right. Which is, of course, infintly complex, but the idea's easy! You have to figure out how important their privacy is, how likely they are to take care of the problem, how bad the consequences will be if it doesn't get taken care of, how well you could take care of it, and then add it all up to figure out what level involvment to use. Which basically means, do what you think is right, as Celia said. Sometimes the world is more complicated than it lets on.

Hobbes
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
I think we should set a standard. Nothing terribly rigid, of course, but I don't think this is an area for relativism.

But there's some of that reticence even in myself. My response wasn't to do anything about it directly, because instead to try to find someone closer to the situation who could, but who wasn't so close they'd be ineffective.

[ June 17, 2004, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: katharina ]
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
Too depressing for a June afternoon?
 

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Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
 
Afternoon?

I wish it was...
 

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Posted by ak (Member # 90) on :
 
Katie, I don't know the answer to your question. All I do know is that once you've lost a good friend to suicide, the boundaries of what you consider an acceptable violation of someone's privacy bubble change.

When in doubt, ask, "Are you okay? Are you sure? If you just ever feel like talking, I'm here." You'd be surprised at how many people will not be offended by that.
 

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Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
 
It is also I think Katie that your concern is because you empathize so much with the girl, since you WERE her in a way at one time. You quite possibly could be the best person to talk to her as a result.

It really is a kind of judging or judgement call. Yes everyone glorifies non-judgementalness, but we do judge day in and day out. And sometimes we choose to take direct action and sometimes we don't. And when you do take direct action there will always be those who disagree. So you've got to figure it out with your own consience and that's about all you've got to guide you.

AJ
 

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Posted by Papa Moose (Member # 1992) on :
 
Kat, I have no answer for you, and it's certainly not my intention to make light of or belittle your pain or your sister-in-law's, past or present. But I have to admit, one of the first things I thought was, "Well, someone should find out what internet forums she uses."

Is that bad?

--Pop
 

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Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
 
Kat, you rock. What you did was caring for the girl and not interfering her life, IMHO. BTW, let me tell you something... When my mother died, I was... Well, grieving, like everybody would have. Point is, people around me started to treat me as a lost kitten, basically. They were so kind with me, and when I entered a room everybody immediately stopped to laugh or even to smile, and started to speak in a respectfull tone. Well, that was kind of them, but that wasn't at all what I needed. I had enough sadness at home, what I wanted from my friends was laugh and fun and friendship, and yes, sometimes, an attentive hear, but that wasn't the most imortant for me. I did tell that to some of these friends, some understood, some not. But anyway, that made me think a lot about how grieving can be different from one people to another. So now when someone I know is grieving, I just tell him/her that I'm here for him/her, for anything is wished, and I mean anything. Spend time together, or not. Have fun, or stay in silence, or speak... Anything. It may seem weird but I think it's the only way to be sure you don't hurt the person more. And it's something to do with close people.
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 

quote:

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You acted both appropriately and conscientiously, with acceptable restraint. I don't think anyone could ask for more than that.

You rock, kat!

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quote:

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I think we should set a standard. Nothing terribly rigid, of course, but I don't think this is an area for relativism.

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