Having an impromptu conversation with my dad and a neighbor about my Grandparents and their wills and finances, (apparently, my grandfather's family was bootleggers during the depression!! O.o) somehow led to a conversation between me and my father about what would happen if both he and my mother offed it. (I remember, he made me read his life insurance information, because he didn't have his reading glasses... In any case...)
It was weird talking about this unnamed tragedy, talking about having to take care of my family by myself, having to take care of the money and the house, having to forgo dorm life in favor of being with my brother and sister. The idea of my parents being.. well, dead, was just so terrible that I was tearing up even talking about it. I mean, I was seriously thinking about what would happen and there was this palpable eerie feeling, like speaking of it would bring it down upon us.
Thinking about it, I'm only 18, (19 on Thursday, wheehoo!) and barring something unfortunate, my parents will be alive for many more years. Will we have to continue having these periodic discussions? Will it get any easier to talk about this thing that is looming over our heads? And what happens when my parents actually are close to death? Will it become.. normal?
I hate to drag up sad emotions for those of you who have lost your parents, but what was it like? Is there a point at which people, maybe not all people, come to terms with their future and imminent death? Is there a point at which their family members are able to do so? I'm too young to have to worry about this!!! My parents are in their early to mid forties!!!
[ June 13, 2004, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: Ryuko ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
In my experience, not really. I'm the oldest kid, and the only one of the above-21s living in the same city as my parents. So I get to be the one who knows where all the papers are, and the one who is the one in charge of the life insurance, and all that kind of fun stuff.
But it helps that I do know where all the documents are, and that my dad has them all neatly filed together. He had to deal with the legalities of his parents' passings not so long ago, and having all the papers in order made a BIG difference.
That said, I hope and pray that it will be MANY years before I need to open that file drawer without my dad.
(((((Ryuko)))))
Posted by Troubadour (Member # 83) on :
If it's any consolation, I've been my parent's power of attorney for aber a decade now, and I hope to still be for several more! I felt the same way you did, still do, but don't think about the end - enjoy every moment you can with them.
Posted by Lupus (Member # 6516) on :
as the oldest I also had that conversation with my father. It is really strange to talk about death, and wills and such with your parents.
Like you, I hope it is a very very long time from now that I have to worry about it.
Posted by ak (Member # 90) on :
Does it get any easier? No.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Ryuko, I grew up without knowing my mother. I have always been a bit somber because of it, I suppose. The feelings have changed and grown with me all my life. I have always felt that she is around me, somehow.
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
Ryuko, Knowing where the paperwork is kept is important. Talking about what to do just in case is important.
Easy? No.
When hubby's mom went into the hospital for a heart problem, hubby's dad was flummoxed. He ended up bringing a box of bills and stuff to the hospital for hubby's mom to take care of, because he had never done the checkbook stuff in the family. When hubby's mom died, it was a mess.
Please don't be like hubby's dad. Oy.
Thank you for reminding me to ask my mom about this stuff. (I am also the oldest)
It's hard to remember that our parents are mortal, but it's ultimately a good feeling to know that things are in their proper place. I think it's a secure feeling. My mom is going through this with her mom (who is surviving cancer so far), and is heartbroken, but glad that there are plans in place.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
(((Ryuko)))
It does get easier. Once you're over the shock of the first time through this conversation, the necessity of it will sink in. And you don't have to treat it as a reminder of eventual death. You can treat it as knowing the family business. You have been entrusted to be the keeper of the flame, so to speak. It's important because there are people who will need you to make decisions when the time comes, so the fact that you are prepared makes sense.
It also means your parents trust you, neh?
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
My mom updates me on her affairs every time she gets on an airplane. I tend to think that if it is something that hasn't been mentioned till now, it may just be your family culture to avoid discussing such things.
If it's any comfort, I'm pretty sure this was brought on by you being older and not by them feeling unhealthy in any way. Up until now, they would have had to worry about someone else to assign guardianship to.
My husband and I are still at odds over who to appoint guardian of our children.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
No. It doesn't. The thought of losing my father keeps me up at night. It's much more of an immediate issue for me than it is for you, though, so I hope that it does get easier for you even though it hasn't for me.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
I found that once everything is orginized fir the first talk, the only time my parents now bring it up is when something mojor happens. New property bought, illness, that sort of thing.
They don't like thinking about their own mortality any more that I like discussing it with them, but it WAS important that I know where they want to be buried, and where all the legal docunebts are stored. Otherwise on top of dealing with the loss of them I would be even more stressed out about the legal ramifications, and where all the documents were, that sort of stuff.
So in a weird sort of way, that discussion brought us even closer and will make things...well, not easier, but not as bad as they could be without those plans.
Kwea
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
Neither of parents have discussed such a thing with me... at least for a while. Although I am not the oldest.
There was talk, in the past, of us going to live with cousins. I remember feeling kind of disconnected when the topic came up, but not worried or sad. I must have been about thirteen. Now, I'm not even sure if my parents have wills, or given wills any thought.
I wouldn't have a clue what to do, and now, that worries me...
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Now I'm worried that I don't know where the will is, though I can make an assumption. I'll wait for a proper time to ask at some point.
It's nice that my parents trust me. Scary, but nice. I think I'm young enough, still, to say that I want my mommy and daddy to live forever.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Ryuko, I'm a fair bit older than you -- and I still want my parents to live forever. Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
I'm kind of hoping Dad doesn't have too many years left to this world.
Don't get me wrong; I love my father as much as it is possible to love another human being. Maybe more. I don't know. But his mind and body has been eaten away by Parkinson's since before I was really aware of him. Now he's in a Nursing Home and is no longer mobile in any sense of the imagination, nor really aware of what's going on around him. I hope he peacefully slips away during the night both because it'll bring him peace (hallucinations are terrible things) and it’s the only thing that will free my mother. She's in a city that's in the middle of its own death throes because we couldn't afford to live in our home province and get him the care he needs. He's rotting and Mom's rotting. Only she doesn't have to. But she'll never, ever leave him (and don't I love and hate her for it). I realize that it'll be hard for her when he dies; almost 2 decades of her life have been devoted to caring for him. But, well, I guess I'd like to see her have her chance to live one or two of her dreams.
Is that wrong? *shrug* Unlike Ryoko, I'm not asking people's opinion of my story. So stuff 'em.
Posted by Dead_Horse (Member # 3027) on :
I don't know about easier...when my mom passed away, she and dad had already taken care of everything financially.
We had three years to prepare while mom was ill. Yet I do not have a good picture of her, or her exact recipes for most of the things she used to cook for us on special occasions.
I would love to have voice recordings of my mother singing the songs she sang to us when we were little, and the church hymns I heard sitting next to her every Sunday.
Talking about it may be difficult, but being prepared might make things less painful.
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