Beat yourself with a Miracle Whip. Don't get so incensed, it's all good. It's all God.
Allah be right back...
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
How could anyone be a match for THAT?
You're hilarious!!
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I've been accused of being an unwashed heathen. I'm guessing its sabbath I'm needing.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Not being a member of the Catholic church may hamper my ability to connect to the Almighty. Is there a wafer me to commune with God?
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I've already admitted I'm not a proponent of traditional religion. As well as being an unwashed heathen I could be called a nave.
Edit spelling mistake
[ May 29, 2004, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: punwit ]
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I seem to remember a biblical reference to the meek inheriting the earth. Let's assume that you believe this but aren't by nature a meek person. If you wish to inherit the earth and consequently subdue your assertive nature would that be called self-fragilation?
[ May 29, 2004, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: punwit ]
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
I was hurt once when someone called me a heathen.
But a friend told me not to fall pray to idol rumors.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Icon believe that.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
You know, an unrecognized benefit of kneeling in church is that it saves your soles.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
True but all that kneeling and bending and stooping might leave you with a worship joint.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Sometimes during the church service, the minister looks spaced out. We figure she's prayed too hard and reached an altared state of consciousness.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Careful! She might get cross with you.
edit to change gender of minister. oops! Better not make that mistake too often, eh?
[ May 30, 2004, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Cautioning people about their religious habits can be counter productive. Sorta like piscina wind.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
It's the devil I worry about it.
I'm afraid he'll hit me in the head to knock some sins into me.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
That's it! It's the absolute last time we will hire a folk singer to write a church play!
We became the subject of ridicule in our community for putting on a show titled "Waiting for God-oh."
Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
All of the dogs in the neighborhood are having a big backyard barbeque, but tell all felines to stay away from this cat-lick festival.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
We used to leave for church too early to eat breakfast. To keep from starving, I would sneak a container of cold porridge in with me.
During the long sermon, I would eat my homily grits while no one was watching.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
A local theology professor took a sabbathical to study how members of different faiths honored the day of worship in their respective beliefs.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I, uh, spire to make good puns like you do.
But then, I guess I'm just preaching to the choir.
Saints when did sndrake get so funny?
I'm having a Baal in this thread.
I hope our hosts don't get pissed about it, but I already scent urea around here.
You know, many Christian rituals are borrowed from the pagan religions that the early church leaders were trying to displace. It was not just a way to boost membership, but also a way to earn some much needed cash to help out the early missionaries. Often, in planning meetings you'd hear one of the apostles ask "ceremony lender around here?"
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Of course that last one is kind of a Thor point with modern Christian apologists.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
100 years ago, virtually every Catholic in Ireland went to church every Sunday and took communion.
Nowadays, attendance is much lower.
Communionism has fallen.
Posted by AmmonRah (Member # 6583) on :
Sports in the Bible?
They must have played tennis 'cuz "Joseph served in Pharoh's court" and there must have been baseball too; we read about things that happened "In the big inning".
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote:Of course that last one is kind of a Thor point with modern Christian apologists.
That's because they know it's a Baldur-faced lie! It's Loki for you I won't tell or you'd have good cause to be very aFreyad. You'd catch Hel from them and it would all end in Tyrs.
[ May 30, 2004, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
You know, lately, I've been thinking alot about faith and religion. I suppose if someone could guarantee that there was an after life that I might make some changes. Before I make those changes I need someone tonsure that I'm not wasting my time and energy. I'm sure that those of you with faith will assure me that my time and energy will be terrific in vestments for my future spiritual health. I suppose tho after having made those changes they eventually will become habit.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
My church has a place inside where you go to remember the departed. It's called a memory apse.
I was at my doctor's office yesterday. They were both sitting around arguing over which specialty paid the most money but had the lowest malpractice insurance rates. Finally an exasperated nurse chimed in and told them "it's ortho, docs."
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I've got a good friend that was raised Catholic. In fact most of his extended family is Catholic as well. He used to get a lot of mileage out of jesting about his mothers sister who left the fold. She found fault with a lot of the Catholic dogma and wasn't shy about broadcasting her opinions. He always referred to her as his Protest Aunt.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I've been revealing alot about my lack of membership to any organized religious affiliation. There are times that I consider joining/partaking in some form of ritualized worship. My problem is I never am fully convinced this is the right path for me. I'm halfway there. Could this be referred to as a demi urge?
Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
I asked my friend if he'd had lunch yet. He answered, "No, Jew?" I said "No, but mana I'd like some pasta!"
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
There are some people who will get offended at all this jove-iality.
Personally, I think they should all just lenten up!
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
It's too big a sacrifice.
After talking to God, the devil had a Job to do.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Hah! Some Job!
It's not like there was any prophet involved.
Edit to add: It just goes to show, though, that even the devil will turn to God for his Hire Power.
[ May 30, 2004, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
The church carnival has a new booth they hope will cash in on the karaoke craze. They invite people to come up and recite Gregorian chants, (for a fee, of course), and judges award prizes to the best performers. It's easy to find the booth just look for the large sign:
GAMES OF CHANTS! STEP UP AND PRAY!
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
A review of the relations between Jewish folk and Christian folk shows a history of persecution of the Jews. Christians were less than gentile towards Jews and those that didn't tow the line were encouraged to "Get with the progrom"
Disclaimer: No offense intended towards either those of christian or jewish faith.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Yahweh over your head on that one.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
punwit, your latest offends me.
So much so that I am sending it to all the Jewish humor lists I know. Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
rivka, yarmulking a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Shofar, all punwit has done is make a few humorous bows to tradition.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Just keep it up, Bob, and I'll unleash puns that you'll need a crash course in Yiddish and Hebrew to understand. Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Yehudah in the wrong direction there.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Suddenly, a great light shown around them, and an angel of the lord stood by them. The shepherd fell down on their knees with their face to the ground because they were afraid.
The angel spoke to them: "Halo! Let's have nun of that grovelling. Stand up."
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote: Just keep it up, Bob, and I'll unleash puns that you'll need a crash course in Yiddish and Hebrew to understand.
Is that offer open to all goys and goyls?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Right. You were warned.
Many people make fancy desserts for Shabbos -- cakes especially. When the weekly portion is Noach, mabul cake is popular; when Yaakov and his wives are featured, laya cake is preferred.
When the Temple stood, mimeography was unknown, but they did have korban paper. When it was necessary to resolve a dispute, they flipped a cohen.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
*thinks it would be better to Passover rivka's puns*
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Aaron you going to come up with some puns soon, rivka?
Actually, I capitulate, your puns are by far the more obscure. You have a real talit for this.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Yeah, Bob.
I nearly Torah muscle laughing over rivka's puns.
Meanwhile,
Our church is trying something new to encourage ascendance. The church bulletin has coupons that can be saved and traded for neat prizes. But you need a lot of coupons for one item.
So the idea is you have to savior coupons for redemption later.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I thank you for your indulgence.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
You really should be careful about assumptions.
Look what happened to Mary.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
It's a little known fact that about halfway through the voyage, Noah's sons noticed that some of the predators he'd brought on board were looking a little dangerous. They worried that something better be done to separate the prey from the predators and a quick inventory taken so they could tell if some of the more edible creatures started disappearing. But none of them wanted to show such little faith in God's ability to control the situation. Finally, with worried looks upon their faces, they approached their mother. She pointed to the back of the ark where the patriarch himself was tossing animals too and fro, all the time saying "yummy, one, two" over and over again. "Look," mama said, "there's Noah counting for taste."
[ May 30, 2004, 09:49 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
When the head of the Catholic Church dies, the Cardinals gather to elect a new Pontiff.
Essentially, it's a Popeularity contest.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
When Jesus kicked out the buyers and sellers, he was just having a temple tantrum.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
After Moses set up judges over the people, most minor matters were solved out in the open. This is, in fact, where the phrase "to air ones grievances" comes from. But still some things were too private and the complaints had to be brought before the man himself. Thus it was that Moses got the most in tents criticism.
[ May 30, 2004, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Lot's wife is a pillar of the community.
Carnivorous leafy vegetables have been attacking people all over the earth! Lettuce prey!!!
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote:Lot's wife is a pillar of the community.
Nimrod, on the other hand, just babels. In fact, he's known to just Babylon and on.
[ May 31, 2004, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
True Story. A friend of mine in High School was thrilled because he was going on a church trip to Chicago.
"Where you staying?" I asked. "In a convent." He answered. "A convent?" another friend of mine gasped. "What kind of fun can you have at a convent?"
"Nun" I answered.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
I can't think of any.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Did you hear about the young man that had an improper relationship with a nun named Chloe? She was removed to a distant location and he saw nothing of her for 4 years. He was overjoyed when he moved on to seminary and was told he was to be cloistered.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I heard about an artist that would use imitation human bones to make his point. For example he once used humerous, ulna, and radius bones in a piece he called "The Arms Race" His latest piece though has me scratching my head. He has a sacra all alone in the middle of a blank tableau. For the life of me I still can't think what the blessed sacra meant.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
A local Catholic church announced it was closing down. Seems that over the past couple of years, attendance at Sunday services has been steadily declining.
After months of denial, they realized they were looking at Mass extinction.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
This thread is leaving me unleavened.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I can't hold a candle to you people.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Poor Bob. It's sad to see his spirit descend so low.
What can we do for hymn?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Shaman you! That's the worst collection of puns I've ever seen.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Well, I'll take sanctuary in the fact that I only picked up where you lent off.
Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
That priest's habbit is digusting! He smokes in the church, which is so incense-itive!
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
The chief naval chaplain was furious when he saw the plans for the new ships of the battlefleet. He stormed into the office of the chief naval architect.
"You fool!" yelled the chaplain. "You didn't include chapels in your plans for the new ships!"
In response to the architect's puzzled look, the chaplain cried:
"Just where do you expect the crew to attend warship services!!!???"
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
One ice cream parlor in town figured out a new marketing gimmick. The owner knew a lot of families had trouble getting kids to attend church without doing some bribing - a promise of a reward in turn for good behavior (interestingly, when sermons stress the same thing, the term "bribe" isn't used).
Anyway, the ice cream parlor started a special offering after church services on Sunday. It was a huge bowl of three different kinds of ice cream, covered in hot fudge, fruit, nuts, and countless fixins. This huge glob of ice cream heaven became immensely popular.
They call it "The Sundae Mass."
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
The devil is misunderstood.
He really only wants to hellp.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Atheists accuse those who believe in God of being illogical and irrational, since atheists claim one can't logically prove the existence of a god.
Believers hold atheists in disdain as well.
They think atheists are irrational and that their beliefs deify logic.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
When Henry VIII kicked the Catholics out of England, he did it by de-creed.
Everyone likes to look at Pegasus' beautiful wings and his wavy mane, but he himself is proudest of his long flowing tail. Or as he likes to call it, his flying butt tress.
Some monks used to wear cloth made from burlap bags, but this all but died out once the church leaders started calling them "sack religious."
[ May 31, 2004, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
In the Catholic faith, priests are considered the intercessors between the parishioners and God. So, in a way, they're the kyrie liaisons.
In his later days, Paul took to writing vituperative letters to the editor about the decline of morality in the world, how unchecked immigration is ruining the country, and how much better things were when he was a kid. Although these letters never made it into scripture, they have been immortalized in the Apostle's Screed.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
People who join the clergy have made a Profession...of Faith.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
There was a hippy named Yun who lived in a commune. He was a Buddhist. After many years, he moved to the city and decided he decided to convert to the Catholic faith. He did, and from that day forward, he was known in the church as Commune Yun.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
A new archeological find here in America found evidence of a previously unknown religion. The news is bearly off the press, but essentially it's this:
A previous culture built its religion around worship of grizzly bears. At least once a year, they'd offer up a sacrifice.
One young man of the tribe would walk naked and unarmed to seek the bear and meet his grizzly faith.
[ May 31, 2004, 07:36 PM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
*Breaking News* (important news) A scientist has announced absolute proof of the nonexistence of God. (/important news)
Personally, I find the news very deisturbing.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Pew! These stink!
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Bob, your last comment really incensed me.
(please forgive me if I repeat a previously stated pun. I am coming late to this game, but I do not want to be Left Behind.)
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Did I hear correctly that Kama got a bad cut? I hope they closed it up with a good Kama Sutra.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote:Pew! These stink!
Bob,
you're acting pewbescent.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Just realized Bob implied my puns are pewtrid!
Bob's a pewphead! Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Bob is strangely quiet. No comeback.
He's probably afraid aisle akneelate hymn. Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote: Did I hear correctly that Kama got a bad cut? I hope they closed it up with a good Kama Sutra.
Puns don't karma any worse than that.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Sndrake, you've got some nerve on ya to ridicule me that way!
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
It's not nerve. It's karmic relief.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
That is tantramount to torture, S.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Sheesh. How did I get Indra this, anyway?
I Vishnu had some suggestions on a Veda make some good puns.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
A local Christian church choir director decided it would be neat to write a hymn that celebrated Christianity's roots in Judaism.
Nice sentiment, but I'm still not sure about the results. His title for the hymn?
"Kosher, My God, To Thee"
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Well zen, I will try to help you.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I heard ther was a real insect problem down by the waterside. The exterminator came in, though, and made them Ortho docks.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I'm glad they fixed that problem. Those are the fishing piers, the lifeblood of our economy. Just remember, in Cod we Trust!
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
I have to assume your fishing town is populated by Lutherans. After the Diet of Worms issued the Edict of Worms, Luther became the flounder of the Lutheran Church.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Aisle be damned!
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
That last canon fired a blank.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Jeez, I go to work and everyone shows up and goes crazy. Jihad to wait till I was gone didn't ya? Or this was intentional and I'm being cult from the herd?
[ May 31, 2004, 07:20 PM: Message edited by: punwit ]
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Did you all hear the story about the devout hemp maker? Apparently he was experiencing tough economic times but was loath not to contribute his normal monetary amount to the church. His solution was to donate an equivalent amount of rope. It was thereafter referred to as "The Tithe That Binds"
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Yes, I heard that guy made a ladder for Jacob, too.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Jericho again.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Oh, okay, after that last one I guess it's time I throw in the Tao.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Careful, Bob, or you might get a Canin.'
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Chi, Bob, your pun wasn;t that bad!
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Bob,
Don't be a poor Lao-Tsuer.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Snadrake, I think you are just trying to Cunfucious.
(I know, old joke, but i call it!)
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Josephus records that the two thieves crucified next to Jesus were heard to sing that immortal song Tomb by ya, m'lord, tomb by ya.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
It's so old, the copyrite has long expired.
Sing it shroud!
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I have two devout Muslim friends. One has a Sunni disposition. The other just doesn't give a Shiite.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Did Josephus write that in scrypt?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I just realized that mackillian is Mormon than I am!
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Hindu's where it's at, man.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Liz, Jehovah lot of explaining to do.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
As Miss Piggy might say, "vous do this so well."
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Do you 'ave Maria around here? And did my friends arrive yet? Allie, Lou? Yeah? Kyrie is. His dad is so untruthful, though. He is a liar's son.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:It's so old, the copyrite has long expired.
I'm pretty sure that was the Coptic rite.
As for your "shroud" pun, I think you'd better Turin the other cheek. Maybe you should think of the impression you're making. And here I was thinking you might be a man of the cloth. I pinned all my hoax and dreams on you.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Bob Dylan was recently made a Latin teacher. They call him Magister Dylan. Or, Mag. Dylan. He was very mary and joyful.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Ancient embalmers were known as myrrh men.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
We could all take a lesson from those fish down at the pier. They travel in large familial groups, thus leading to the aphorism: Clanliness is next to Codliness.
Of course, there's the other version about pheromones: Glandliness is next to cuddliness.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
You are getting really anointing, Bob.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Wafer it. That puns circling...landing...ah, it's just like Jesus, the man, uh, from Heaven.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
They were kissing. He nectar.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Or, as Moses said to pharoah on his 2nd through 7th visits to that game loving ruler of all Egypt, "plague in?"
<note: say that last bit with a good Southern drawl>
[ May 31, 2004, 08:34 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Some of the people mentioned in Genesis (Methuselah especially) lived so long that just making a cake big enough to hold all the birthday candles was the job of scores of skilled craftsmen working for months in advance. Then, just to bring the cake to the celebration, they had to build a giant boat and float it in. It became legendary! Surely you've heard of the pastry arks of the Old Testament.
[ May 31, 2004, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I remember those guys! I read a cartoon about them, by Doctor Zeus. One of them had red hera, right? And life was free. They did not have any charges, Or Fees? And no one tells you You're a disease.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I HATE it when the other pimps puts down the other guy's prostitute so badly. They are always saying:"Yo ho's so fat!"
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
My dog was filthy when we got home. I said, "Get in the bath, Sheba!"
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
There is a belief system called Monism. The belief that what people perceive as deity, humanity and the rest of the universe is in fact all of one substance - that divisions among the body, mind, flesh, spirit, material, physical are not real. All are simply aspects of one being. I'm curious if the LDS just think they are bigger and better and therefore are Mor Monism.
Or what about ascribing to Monism but trusting to your impressions of things and calling your religion Monetism.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
I had a friend who was nonspiritual as a child.
But when he guru up, he decided to Sikh the truth.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
I had a friend who used to hunt a lot. He had peculiar dogs. The dogs enjoyed the viscera from the kills, but they preferred them cut up into little bits and then burned.
Everyone knows that owners love to please their animals. So after every hunting trip, after dressing and preparing the kill...
My friend would give burnt offalings to the dogs.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I was reviewing this thread and wanted to clarify something. Bob, you related a tale about Noah counting animals. I'm pretty sure that Noah count stories are frowned upon.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
I know a town that is proud of its history. About 150 years ago, shortly after the town was settled, they were almost wiped out by a band of marauding bandits. The town was saved by three holy men, trained in martial arts, who were armed with only their bare hands. They beat the marauders off.
To this day, the town sets aside a day each year to celebrate the Fists of the Saints.
(this is probably it for me for a couple days - I gotta go catch a plane in a few hours and won't be back until Thursday afternoon. Not much access in the meantime. But I'll make notes of any ideas that pop up while I'm offline.
You've been warned. )
[ June 01, 2004, 07:37 AM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Salad lovers are more religious than the rest of us. They begin each meal with "Lettuce Prey."
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
@#$@#$ hail has ruined my mothers green house. Here prize winning red flowers are now kept in a Holey Rosery.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I've got a cousin that lives in California. His kids go to a school that rasises money through a effort known as scrip. He has volunteered to help with the scrip effort. He says he is not only helping his kids school become financially sound he is bolstering his spiritual bank. After all he is working at his scrip chore.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I guess you had better start calling him "Sir," Mon.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Then there's those little kids I guru up with who liked to play "hide and Sikh."
(got a few minutes of access to play with)
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Monasteries often devote themselves to one specialty. For example, "Monk's Bread" is a brand in New York that was originally baked by Monks.
My favorite is the monastery that specializes in cheese. I can't get enough of their monkster cheese.
Seriously, you have to admire the discipline at monasteries - no monkeying around allowed.
[ June 01, 2004, 08:18 PM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
I foresee some harsh pun-ishment for this grinners in the jeerafter.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
What do you use to open a monastery gate?
A Monk-Key.
What key locks the convent door?
Nun
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote: My favorite is the monastery that specializes in cheese. I can't get enough of their monkster cheese.
I've heard of them. They've spent millennia trying to emulate the cheeses of Nazareth.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Jesus' parents couldn't do anything with him as a teenager. Mary finally turned to Joseph and said "what are we going to do with him? Every day it's the same thing, he loafs and fishes, loafs and fishes. It's endless!"
"Well," Joseph said, "at least he's not out getting stoned."
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
God was baffled. He would take a girl out for a good time, show off his crappy Chrysler import from the 1980's, and BANG, she'd get pregnant. Turns out he was Omni potent.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I understand there is some fella, Ben something or other, with an VoIP speech website. It's called Ben E Diction.com
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
These Atkins dieters are becoming almost like a religion unto themselves.
The other day, I heard one of them talking about favorite recipes proclaim "Praise the lard!"
(now, believe it or not, I'm going to attend a plenary session on spirituality in holistic care.)
I am being holy serious here.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
How did cheese get its name?
If you ever smell milk curdling what else would you scream out other than,--"Cheeeses!"
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Bill's wife asked him what she wanted on her turkey bacon sub. He yelled: "Cheese, Louise!"
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Atkins is nothing compared to the Entertainment Channels new diet. I worship my Diet-E
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Yes, but Atkins has a great recipe for broiled mammon.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Before Jesus came of age, he was a minor deity.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I understand that Lucifer has applied for tax exempt status. He claims he is a "Not for Prophet" entity.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I've got a buddy that's been married for 10 years. He and his wife have been trying to have a child for 7 of those 10 years. So far they've had no luck and his wife has become a bit acerbic. She made reference to the size of his tool as being less than adequate. I believe she called him a needle d*ck and said that if they ever did concieve it would be an innoculate conception.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
There was this guy who hated Rome, back in the days when the Catholic church was seated there, and there only. He HATED the idea of being immersed in water for baptism. So, long story short, he moved west, to Turkey, because he said, "I Can't Stand in No Pool."
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
God and Lucifer were having a friendly chat about their unending competition. Lucifer had asked a pointed question about the sacrifice of beloved apprentices and if God ever regretted their suffering. God didn't answer the question directly and instead steered the conversation to New England in the late 1600's. God was curious if Lucifer felt any remorse over the loss of his witches in Massachusetts. I believe his question was, "Jerusalem?"
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Punwit, you do have a tendencey to Babylon, you know.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I've been told that alot yes.
BTW I have to say I'm particularly proud of the Jerusalem pun. I was just explaining it to my daughter. I hope it made more sense to you than it did to her.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
PW, I am sure you meant "alot" to be a pun? If not, just lie and said you meant it.
I did get the Jerusalem joke. It did make my friend Arty choke, though.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Umm Ok yeah I meant A Lot as a pun. Actually I saw it later. It was one of those unintentional ones. Is Arty ok? I'm concerned, don't want him to end up a vegetable.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
No, he is OK, not a vegetable at all. He is a pillar of the community. Ever since he was a-salted, he has worked hard to right wrongs. No one walking on the streets ever has to give a backwards glance.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Posting for Bob:
Zsolt, the Hungarian religious scholar, travelled east to study under the Buddha. The legendary holy man rejected this western interloper. But Zsolt persisted. Buddha tried simply avoiding the guy, hiding for long periods in a cave deep in a trackless mountain pass. But still Zsolt persisted. Finally, when he could take no more, the gentle soul turned to Zsolt and asked, "What do you want of Buddha, pest?"
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
A friend of mine belongs to a church that takes its prayers very seriously.
Recently, the church set up a bank of volunteers to come in at scheduled times and pray for parishioners who were ill or otherwise facing troubled times. As usually happens, there was some conflict and accusations about some people not meeting their commitments. A few people were accused of skipping their scheduled times and shrugging off their obligations.
So the pastor stepped in, saying he would check over the sign-in sheets and other documentation.
The following Sunday, he shocked everyone by alluding to the controversy from the pulpit. However, his purpose soon became clear.
After having gone over all the documentation, the minister said, he could now say with complete confidence that everyone was prayed in full.
Posted by BlueJacsFan (Member # 6590) on :
Zaccheaus was at one time considered to be the shortest man in the Bible. However, further research turned up Ne-Hi-miah.
Even further research revealed that even he was not the shortest, when they discovered Bildad, the Shuhite.
Posted by BlueJacsFan (Member # 6590) on :
Would a dissertation on the influence of Calvinistic theology in the Lord of the Rings be called "Calvin and Hobbits"?
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
The young nun at the convent didn't like the look of her worn-out habit. She also didn't like wasting money or material, so she was loathe to throw it out and get a new one.
Instead, she decided to restore the faded color of her gown and bought some dye. After following all the directions, she was unhappy to find that after all that trouble, the gown was only a little darker than before. She tried again. Same results. The third time an older nun found her distressing over the results. After asking what the problem was, the elderly nun nodded and said:
"Yes. I learned a long time ago. Old habits dye slowly."
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
As you may know, Galileo was tried by the Inquisition for his advocacy of Copernican theories. What you may not know is how he was rendered incapable of giving a real defense.
Each piece of evidence Galileo offered was ruled as inadmissable, being in some way tied to a concept or theory previously condemned by the church.
In the end, he was convicted because the Inquisition refused to admit heresy evidence.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I'm just a novice at this, whereas you are clearly second to nun.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I needed another flashlight for camping, so I ordered a co-light.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Can you touvh your nose with your tongue? Fran's sis can.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I love those McDonald's sundaes, which come in three flavors. Now, in the Age of Atkins, they even come in Caramel Light.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Mercy!
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Ha! I knew you would come into this thread a second time, Bob. I did not want you to leave us behind.
Posted by BlueJacsFan (Member # 6590) on :
"You like this kind of music?"
"Rap? Sure!"
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Rap is an a-choired taste.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
(Bob revealed in another thread that he has a chest cold.)
Bob, I heartily recommend getting some Vicks Vap-O-Rub or some similar salve.
Slathered liberally on your chest, it will offer sure-fire salve-ation.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
If Jesus were to visit modern day Paris would he take the popular Parisees tour and would that tour make him Sadducee the failing of tradition in favor of the quick buck?
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Nah, he would just Rome around some more. He figures you can't, er, bury things in the past. Things change.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
I would argue that there are some things that can't be altared.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Great hockey game tonight. The Snakes lost to the Saints. Some guy even scored a Pat Trick.
(oh, heavens, even I am groaning over that one, sorry)
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
elizabeth,
Don't flog yourself over that one. Say "cheese".
*snaps questionable piccie with his Canon*
fallow
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Is it my imagination, or are these puns getting repentitious?
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Michael Crichton revealed that his original draft of Jurassic Park included a character he ended up cutting.
In addition to the crew we've all grown familiar with, the original version included a character who was an evangelical Christian missionary.
Seems that in the original version, the character is separated from the group and is found by a lone velociraptor.
The Christian ended up being carried away by the raptor.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I'm surprised the editor had the nerve to mess with the director's conception on that one.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Recently, I joined a group of fellow agnostics for weekly meetings. As discussions ensued, we decided it might be interesting to get reports on how different congregations were engaging in worship.
So we broke up into teams of two people. Each week, a team visits a local congregation and reports to the group with its diagnostic evaluation.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Everyone in town knew Abe was an atheist. Mostly they didn't bug him about it. Mostly, that is, except old Widow Jones. She felt it was her Christian duty to seek him out, and pray over him for the sake of his soul.
So poor Abe would keep a constant eye out for Widow Jones when he was in town. If he was very lucky, he'd see her first and hide in safety somewhere until she passed by.
Abe was a pretty laidback guy, but he was really fearful of being prayed upon.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
The assistant to the bishop knew his boss didn't much care for the deacon they were visiting. He was still surprised, though, when the bishop insisted on rushing home after the meeting with the distasteful person. After they got in the door of the bishop's home, he rushed upstairs and the sounds of slammed doors and running water were soon heard. The assistant was left alone with the housekeeper.
"What gives?" he asked.
"Oh," she said. "that's just him undergoing his deacontamination procedure."
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
How could anyone be a match for THAT? ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
![[Taunt]](graemlins/taunt.gif)
![[Evil]](graemlins/evil.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
)