Last year, my grandma (mom's side) got leukemia, she had cemotherapy and was getting better, last time I saw her in december she was quite healthy and seemed to be making a good recovery, she barely lost any hair too.
Two days ago, my mother called me, her voice was rather hoarse. My grandmother suddenly had a remission and the doctors have discharged her saying they can't do anymore, they've given her one to three months to live, she was moving into the nursing home yesterday. The odd thing? I don't really feel anything. I know I should be feeling sad and remorseful but I can't bring myself to have any of those emotions. By the end of the call, mother wanted me to go back for a few days before I started working next week, and she had completely fell apart and couldn't talk...she barely croaked out a "Bye." Now, I was never too close to my mother's side of the family, I don't have any actual wonderful memories about being with or around them, I barely have any good memories about being with my mother, my parents having divorced while I was in third grade with plenty of bitterness (and money taken), but she's my grandmother never the less, having told my grandmother on my father's side today, I think she felt more remorse than I did. Shouldn't I be feeling something?
Satyagraha
Posted by MaydayDesiax (Member # 5012) on :
(((Melamin))) I think that you don't really believe that she's sick, since you've only seen her when she's well. Maybe when you go back to see her, it'll sink in.
And I'll be here for you, dear.
Posted by esl (Member # 3143) on :
That's a very good point.
An alternate explanation might be that you're not and won't be too sad because you don't know that grandmother very well. Sometimes I define knowing someone by how often I see him or her. I saw my grandmother at family dinners around ten times a year. I talked to her a little each time, mostly just hi and how old I am.. I was a wreck when my mom called and told me she had died. Funky timing by the way, it was 362 days ago. Anyway, so I'm connecting seeing my grandmother with knowing her even though we didn't really talk. Then a couple months after my grandma died, my parents' friend from college died. Sure, I've heard of him before but I'd seen him probably less than a total of ten times in my life. I didn't feel a thing. Well what I did feel was sadness for the family, not sadness that he'd died, really.. So I don't know. That's my experience. Everyone's different. If you don't feel sad I recommend you still consider the feelings of others. Actually I know you will, but I also know that I was pretty insensitive to my parents about their friend's death. Anyway, don't worry about it too much. And I'm sorry to hear the news. Everyone will pull through somehow.
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
I wasn't too concerned when my great-grandmother died. It took a while for me to realize what a loss it was, and I think I am more sad about it now than when it happened, over four years ago.
Posted by Alexa (Member # 6285) on :
what does your psychology training tell you?
Posted by Zevlag (Member # 1405) on :
Bernard, do you think you should be feeling something? Do you want to be? Or is it apathy?
Posted by Mabus (Member # 6320) on :
When my great-aunt (with whom I was quite close) died some years ago, I had much the same experience. I didn't feel much of anything.
For various reasons, many people distance themselves from emotional pain like this. It isn't anything conscious, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's simply how we cope. For some people, it comes back later; for others (like myself), not.
I've only had one incident in my life that truly devastated me, and it didn't even involve family or death. Pretty much everything else has just left me numb. I don't know if it was that the one thing was so bad that it broke my defenses, or if it was less bad and got in under them.
![[Kiss]](graemlins/kiss.gif)
And I'll be here for you, dear.