quote:Hey, Rain/Dead_Horse,
Oh, yeah. I was only thinking of myself there. Sorry. I should have said first that I would understand the frustration and embarrassment when strangers do that. I wouldn't be pleased with strangers doing it because I was in a wheelchair, especially if I didn't need it or ask for it. And I'd be really annoyed about having germy money tossed into my drink, especially if it wasn't enough to go get another one. And I'd be furious at having to go get it myself.
quote:Dead_Horse you are one sick puppy.
Beat me! Beat me!
Man, that feels good, too
quote:Stormie, I'm pretty sure that nobody is suggesting that people are deliberately trying to hurt or offend. In fact, I think the unexpectedness of someone not appreciating one's nice gesture is what drives a good bit of the being miffed.
I think the key point to remember, in this instance, is the motivation of the giver. The person dropping change into a cup is doing so to be kind. They aren't doing it to insult or to harm.
While I appreciate the desire to redraw the public perception of handicapped people as not being able to take care of themselves, I think getting angry at someone who is simply trying to do a good deed isn't going to help that fight.
quote:
Throughout history,
people with physical and mental disabilities
have been abandoned at birth,
banished from society
used as court jesters,
drowned and burned during the Inquisition,
gassed in Nazi Germany,
and still continue to be segregated, institutionalized,
tortured in the name of behavior management,
abused, raped, euthanized, and murdered.
Now, for the first time, people with disabilities are taking their rightful place as fully contributing citizens.
The danger is that we will respond with remediation and benevolence rather then equity and respect.
And so, we offer you
A Credo for Support
Do not see my disability as a problem.
Recognize that my disability is an attribute.
Do not see my disability as a deficit.
It is you who see me as deviant and helpless.
Do not try to fix me because I am not broken. Support me. I can make my contribution to the community in my way.
Do not see me as your client.
I am your fellow citizen. See me as your neighbor. Remember, none of us can be self-sufficient.
Do not try to modify my behavior.
Be still and listen. What you define as inappropriate may be my attempt to communicate with you in the only way I can.
Do not try to change me, you have no right.
Help me learn what I want to know.
Do not hide your uncertainty ehind "professional" distance.
Be a person who listens and does not take my struggle away from me by trying to make it all better.
Do not use theories and strategies on me.
Be with me. And when we struggle with each other, let me give that rise to self-reflection.
Do not try to control me.
I have a right to my power as a person. What you call non-compliance or manipulation may actually be the only way I can exert control over my life.
Do not teach me to be obedient, submissive, and polite.
I need to feel entitled to say no if I am to protect myself.
Do not be charitable to me.
The last thing the world needs is another Jerry Lewis. Be my ally against those who exploit me for their own gratification.
Do not try to be my friend.
I deserve more then that. Get to know me. We may become friends.
Do not help me even if it does make you feel good.
Ask me if I need your help. Let me show you how to better assist me.
Do not admire me.
A desire to live a full life does not warrant adoration. Respect me for respect presumes equity.
Do not tell, correct and lead.
Listen, support and follow.
Do not work on me.
Work with me.
(Dedicated to the memory of Tracy Latimer)
quote:Honestly, I'm not the one to ask. Just 2 days after being discharged from the hospital after open-heart surgery, I snapped at my husband for trying to push a cart of bricks for me at Home Depot. He was afraid I'd pop an important stitch (the actual surgery was only 6 days before). I was pissed at the inference that I couldn't do just fine by myself.
On the other hand, how would you feel if you needed help and people walked right by you?
quote:You are kind of pissing me off. Did you even bother to read what I wrote? I can see that you didn't, or else you would't have written the above.
Plus, you know, the best way is to ask whether and how to help.
After all, the person you are talking to would be the one to know. It's not like they are 3 months old and can't tell their hand from a hole in the ground.
quote:Yeah, it should. Like I said, the "being nice" part is admirable, but probably being on the receiving end of it constantly would get on my nerves. And it shouldn't be at all offensive if someone says "no thanks," but it still is (for me, too -- in fact, I get a bit pissy when people don't say "thanks" when I hold open a door. I wonder why that is.)
but it still doesn't mean that the giver doesn't just want to be kind and to do a good deed, and that if this is so, then that should be celebrated to some degree, shouldn't it?
quote:I think I've been done good deeds to too many times by too many persons with ulterior motives to be unbiased here. Part of it was being dirt poor in a family with some wealthy members, but part of it was also feeling like an object that charity was being exercised on.
Just as it would be wrong to pigeonhole handicapped people into a box of neediness and inhumanity because of their disability, it would be equally wrong to see in a giver someone who views those who are handicapped in only a certain way, rather than just trying to do a good deed.
code:With Norm, it's best to have scotch on hand, Dewars, I think.He sounds like a great guy to have a cup of coffee with.
quote:
Emma: When I tell people this story, or one of hundreds like it that centre around the deliberate or accidental insensitivity of non-disabled people, I am both amused and distressed at the reactions I get. "You have to understand," they say. I always know what's coming when I hear that phrase. I usually want to sigh when I hear it. Sometimes "understanding" is very tiring, especially when you "have to". "She didn't mean it," they go on. "She just doesn't know any better. In fact, she does it to everyone."
It's true. I actually do know that lots of people who do or say silly things don't mean to be offensive. I know that often they are just trying to be nice, or helpful, but operate out of a set of assumptions based in myth, misinformation or lack of information. And I also know that unfortunately, some people really do treat almost everyone (with the possible exception of those they perceive as more powerful...) with condescension and a lack of respect. I sometimes wonder if the people who listen to my stories don't think I know these things. Maybe that's why they feel that it's their personal responsiblity to edit my experience and provide me with a more "balanced" interpretation of events...
Have I lost my perspective or become unkind? I hope not. I do my share of embarassingly ignorant things. Most of the stories I tell are not without humour and perspective. I try not to blame people, or fall prey to "evil oppressor/victim" stereotypes. So why the knee-jerk reaction? How come the ten minute sermons on offering up the other cheek?
It occurs to me that there's more going on here than meets the eye. There's a message underneath the message. When people ask me to "understand" the ignorance and prejudice of others and swallow my pain, they're asking me to be quiet. They're saying, "It's not really like that. You're imagining things. You're overreacting. You're paranoid."
I guess I can't accept that it's OK for people to continue not to know any better. Silence and compulsive "understanding" never did much to challenge or change the status quo. [emphases added]
quote:Bob, I think you are correct. I also think it's a problem.
Hence, the coins in the cup of coffee. They aren't doing anything personal. There's not a person there as far as they are concerned.
quote:Reciprocity and self-determination is necessary for dignity.
Friendship between children is wonderful. However, it is not a big deal. If we commend and praise children without disabilities for their interactions with their peers with disabilities (either publicly or in other ways), we inadvertently make friendship a big deal and imply that all children are not created equal. We reinforce the idea that it is morally and socially admirable to "help the handicapped," and, thereby may remove the opportunity for equality and reciprocity.
quote:Why is it a breech of propriety for me to touch a stranger, unless they have a visible disability? I suspect we all are uncomfortable with being physically manipulated unexpectedly in ways we did not explicitly agree to. Yes, maybe someone is only trying to be nice -- really. But it still is likely to feel icky to the receiver.
Respect Personal Boundaries
Boundaries of touch that would not be crossed between kids without disabilities should never be crossed with their classmates with disabilities.
An unfortunate side-effect of tolerant or benevolent interaction is a tendency to treat the "different" child like a life-sized doll or pet, or a classroom mascot with whom the usual physical boundaries of touch may be violated. We must always ask, "Do the interactions between children in any way compromise the dignity of the individual with the disability?"
quote:
People with disabilities tell us that it is easier to be ignored than to be patronized or seen as a "class project."
...
Although a majority of educators acknowledge that the rights of students with disabilities should be respected, there is an ongoing debate about whether reciprocity is really possible, and what kind of contribution is realistic to expect. "What," we're often asked, "can a student with a disability really bring to a relationship?"
This question usually reveals more about our own stereotypical views about the idea of disability than about the limitations of a disability itself. ...
Dembo, Leviton and Wright (1975), first identified a a societal tendency to generalize and make broad inferences about the nature of disability. They called this common phenomenon "disability spread." Specifically, "disability spread" is what happens when we extrapolate the characteristics we associate with the notion of disability to the particular individuals we meet. These perceptions are often based on stereotypes, and what we think we know about a particular disability....
For example, we are inclined to see people with disabilities as a collection of needs and deficiencies (McKnight, 1977). We are led to evaluate people based on what is missing rather than what is present. When our perceptions are based on stereotypical myths and misperceptions we will not see a real person with any clarity. [emphases added]
...
quote:
Help outside the context of choice and self- determination is disrespectful. We all want to feel necessary. However, when our desire to feel needed is at the expense of someone else's sense of competence and autonomy, we commit a lasting act of injustice. People with disabilities literally spend lifetimes struggling to be heard. We must learn to listen. As Marsha Saxton (1985) wrote;
"All of those people trying so hard to help me...All of them hoping for me to ... do well, all wanting to be kind and useful, all feeling how important helping me was. Yet never did anyone of them ask me what it was like for me. They never asked me what I wanted for myself. They never asked me if I wanted their help. ...I do not feel entirely grateful. I feel, instead, a remote anger stored beneath my coping pattern of complacent understanding. People do the best they can to help in meaningful ways, I know. I just wish all the disabled children would say to their helpers: "Before you do anything else, just listen to me." (pp. 133 - 134)
quote:It seems that our society perceives anyone not meeting the stereotypical definitions of success as "needing" something and then get lost in the muddle of deciding how to give or not give that help.
our society still perceives those with disabilities as perpetual receivers of help.
quote:And perhaps that is what is preying on my mind - it is this sort of interaction with people that drive me nuts. I observed an integrated classroom two weeks ago - and while I am hearing clearly from my colleagues that the method of instruction for the autistic child was appropriate to his needs, I really question what I saw.
As the children talk and answer questions, it is interesting to watch the interplay between the subject of the discussion and the girl to his left. She has one arm around his shoulders, and in the other hand holds a washcloth. She wipes his mouth repeatedly. At one point, he appears to lose patience and struggles a bit. One hand jerks forward. His friend seizes his and holds it still. He makes a noise of clear irritation, and attempts to pull his hand free.
quote:
(A passerby drops coin--it hits the ground next to the vet. Jack picks it up for him.)
Jack: Ass___. Didn't even look at you.
Disabled Veteran: Well, he's paying so he don't hafta look. Guy goes to work eight hours a day, seven days a week. Gets his nuts so tight in a vice that he starts to question the very fabric of his existence. Then one day about quitting time, boss calls him in the office and says: "Hey, Bob, why don't you come in here and kiss my ass for me, will ya?" Well, he says to hell with it. I don't care what happens, I just want to see the expression on his face as I jam this pair of scissors into his arm. [sighs] Then he thinks of me. He says, wait a minute, I got both my arms, both my legs, at least I'm not begging for a living. Sure enough, Bob's going to put those scissors down and pucker right up. You see, I'm what you call kinda of a moral traffic light really. I'm like, (robotically) "RED! Go no further! Beep beep beep beep beep beep..."
quote:Ick, for what it's worth, that sounds both respectful and honestly helpful to me. It would, I believe, to most people I know who have more noticeable disabilities than I have.
The other day, I was coming home from a night class I take. I saw a young woman with one prosthetic leg limping as she carried two briefcases and an armful of books. I walked up to her and said, "I don't mean to be rude or insulting, but would you like me to carry some of that for you?" Notice how afraid I was of giving offense, but I would have felt pretty crappy about myself if I had not at least offered. She was very gracious. She turned me down, but she assured me that I had not been at all rude or insulting.
Did I do wrong?
quote:I think it's pretty strange too.
I think an arbitrary "help women" policy is a little odd, wouldn't it be better to have a policy to help people with small children and/or disabilities? Or to offer to help? I don't like it when someone takes my buggy and starts wheeling it to the parking lot even after I've told them I don't want them to.