But, for those of us that second-guess, future-trip, plan and struggle, struggle and curse, curse and cry, cry and - finally - pray, it’s a life-saving grace.
One which slips through fingers clenching ever more tightly, not trusting enough to . . . just . . . let . . . go.
How do I find that place of peace, of surrender?
How do I stay in the safe folds of “life is, simply because it is” and live in each moment as it happens?
What is so wrong with me that I can not slow down long enough to truly savor the hug of my child, the quiet stillness in the night air listening to rain trickle down the gutters? What is so uneasy within me that I miss the graciousness and courtesy of those around me, only to later cry desperate tears of loneliness and despair? What is so angry within me that I have no tolerance or patience for the myriad differences expressed by God’s children in this world?
When will I learn to let be, to open myself to the beauty, the joy, the sorrow . . . to life just as it is, here and now? When will I learn to pause, to breathe, to rest between tasks completed and conversations and hand-holding and the flow of each day’s movement?
When will I be - just me. And okay with that. With the actuality and the dream.
I’m tired of continually reaching that place of exhaustion. Of that place where all looks so good on the outside, but feels dull and barren on the inside - but is it really? Or is it merely the by-product of time wasted in a perpetual striving that never allows for savoring sights, sounds and smells of the day gone by? Life is well. If I let it be? Or is discontent just a part of the scheme of things? My discontent causes rifts and keeps bridges from being built. It focuses on all that still needs to be done without ever recognizing all that has been done. It stunts growth and warps the loom that holds the fabric’s promise. It keeps me from me. Maybe that was a good thing in some distant past, but it does not serve me now.
Live in the now. How simple - and how far away.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Wow.
*plans trip*
Posted by Dead_Horse (Member # 3027) on :
Ow! (((Shan))) *cries*
must...not...start....thinking...
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
I know exactly how you feel Shan...
It's just that it seems to me that sometimes thinking too much can save you from a lot of pain later on...
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Living in the now is why we eat dinner so late most of the time Posted by ReikoDemosthenes (Member # 6218) on :
heh...I have a friend who is able to just not think about anything and still manage...he is able to laugh at anything and just live...I cannot manage it...I hopelessly over-think and over-analyze everything...I suppose I might be happier and more relaxed if I could just live without thought, but I have a need to study and know everything before it happens...needless to say my 'life' is rather melancholic but I have yet to find a way to change, so I'll deal with it... *is tired and highly suspects that at least one thing has been said twice in this post but can't find what*
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
Shan I feel the same way at times. When I was growing up, I was so focused on preparing myself for my "future" that I never really enjoyed my teen years. Now I'm almost thirty, stuck in a job I have worked all my life to get but could barely stand...
You have to do something to shake things up once in a while. Today, it was raining hard in Los Angeles and I had a ton of work to do. But I did the irresponsible thing and left work early to watch 50 First Dates with some friends. I had a blast.
I should feel guilty but I don't. I feel energized and empowered. Just for one night I did what I wanted to do instead of what people expect from good old responsible Beren. I know it is much harder for you, being a parent. But you should take time out just for yourself. Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
I'm gonna whine in anthro's thread killer threads more often . . .
Thanks. Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
I'm going to wish for a pony in that thread. Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
My mind races so much at night that I find it hard to settle down and sleep. When you find the answer, let me know, will ya?
Posted by Rhaegar The Fool (Member # 5811) on :
Shan, you should put that into stanzas, it would make a great poem.
Rhaegar
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
no doubt.
Thou shalt not burden thyself with feelings of woulda-coulda-shoulda.
Turn coulda into can-do.
Turn shoulda into "well, at least I got THAT right."
Turn woulda into will do (taking care of 'shoulda')
fallow (formerly "flish" <- erased his password)
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
Flish!!!!! Hi! You do choose the most interesting names. Nice poem. To the point and all that - I like it. Whaddya think, Rhaegar - that do it for you?
I'll certainly clue you in if I ever become so enlightened as to sleep comfortably at night, Jenny.
Beren - do you realize that if you had a pony, sweet thing, I'd be handing you a pitchfork along with the rake? Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
Wow. When they said labor of love, they weren't kidding. Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Flish is back!! Missed you, guy!
Jenny: I used to think a lot a lot before bed, so I started to keep a journal to put all my thoughts into. And as soon as they're down on paper I can let them go and get them out of my thoughts. It's really useful... Then I can go to sleep.
[ March 03, 2004, 12:34 AM: Message edited by: Ryuko ]
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
*Nods solemenly* Do you realize, Beren, how many hours of cooking and cleaning I'd be doing to keep your asparagus and choclate chip cookie cravings satiated?
Jenny - you might try Sleepytime Tea (with the valerian root), too - let the cup steep for 5 minutes. It will have a n accumalative effect (i.e., takes a few days to build up in the system.) Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
Yes dear. Shan!
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
*Grabs pitchfork after laugh attack passes and goes out to help Beren. After all, mucking out stalls is ever so much more entertaining than cooking and washing dishes.*
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
as..... you...... wish..... Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
*Swoons at Beren's feet, again!* Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
speaking like a martian again? must be me flishy insides.
I hate tea. speaking as a former martian, we tried it once.
well, more than once. more like every day.
day in and day out. the boiling, the bubbling... the soothing effects. then our herbs ran out, and lifting our soothed eyelids to scan the landscape, we realized we'd laid waste to our lakes.
our seas and our oceans. all in the name of hearsay sooth-sayers.
then the little golf-carts came. them. with their clicking cameras and their whirring drill machines. seeking our tea. trespassing on our time.
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
ryuko,
good to see you, too!
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
*rubs eyes suspiciously*
*not sure what the second next to last post meant*
*thinks it must be time to go to bed and sleep*
*wonders if anyone will sing a lullabye and rub her back*
*yawns and says good night*
[ March 04, 2004, 01:24 AM: Message edited by: Shan ]
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
*clickety clack*
"hrumphrlglglgl!"
"click*
*clack*
"mmmruthfulGULLLGGGGLGLLLLGLE"
"whirrr*
"mmm.. flghlghtlGRLRGL...flurfll!..."
"whirr*
good night.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
Well, thank heavens I was already awake! Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
I know exactly how you feel Shan...![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Sleep]](graemlins/sleep.gif)
![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
![[Hail]](graemlins/hail.gif)
Shan!
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)