I write 2 haikus to my girlfriend every Valentine's day, of which this is our second. I like doing it because despite my general inadequacy of the english language, if I restrict myself to a formula, I can come up with something that expresses my love in a new way, without offending too many dead white guys.
So last year my haikus were love haikus, with the season winter and summer. This was largely because I couldn't think up any good spring/fall haiku to go along with the others. She liked it, so now I am writing two more for her with spring/fall seasons. I know Japanese rules -> english rules for haiku differ, but I've kept myself to two basic rules: 5/7/5 syllable count, and the have to evoke the seasons as well as my love.
So here they are, I'll be making them permanent later tonight, so any criticism could be helpful, nut remember: I'm a Computer guy doing this in his spare time.
SPRING Tulips bloom again! Melting snow nourishes all, Our mouths meet sweetly.
FALL Leafy Vertigo-- Pumpkins toothily grinning. You land in my arms.
--
Fire away!
-Bok
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
i love the second one
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
I thought the first one said "Our mouths melt sweetly." That could be good too!
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
"leafy vertigo"
I love that phrase-ology!
I also read the first one as "melt" instead of "meet" -- didn't realize I was wrong until I read above post.
FG
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
Hmmm, I was going for that evocative feeling (melting snow, lips), as well as the more punny, and more signature-me style, (tulips, our lips). Maybe I should change it to "melt".
As for the "leafy vertigo", I spent a while trying to use "vertiginous leaf", but I scratched that as too distracting...
-Bok
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote:Maybe I should change it to "melt".
I don't know - you end up using forms of "melt" in two successive lines if you do that. While I don't have coherent asthetic defense of this, I prefer the sound of "meet sweetly" over "melt sweetly."
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
No don't change it....it's better the other way and melt's already in there.
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
That was my original worry, but if people are reading it there anyway, and liking it, maybe it's good. A more objective defense is that it reinforces the earlier use, in the moment I am describing my girlfriend and I, perhaps?
-Bok
Posted by Traveler (Member # 3615) on :
Here's one:
Roses and Candies Gifts to reflect my feelings Celebrate our love
Here's another:
Valentine's Day Blues O' Loneliest day of the year Cupid find me soon
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
Not bad, but missing the seasons references.
-Bok
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
I probably shouldn't have spoken at all. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm much more prose than verse oriented.
Posted by Traveler (Member # 3615) on :
OK...sorry. I missed the whole season thing:
SPRING:
My heart, like snow, melts Our budding love begins to bloom Happy Days ahead!
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
No, it was good, I had/have the same worry. Nothing is cast in stone yet...
-Bok
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
So I'm gettign the vibe that the Fall one is pretty decent, but that Spring is a bit less compelling?
-Bok
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
Bumping to avoid having 13 replies on Friday the 13th, the day before Valentine's Day.
-Bok
Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
I actually preferred the Spring one over the Fall one, myself...
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)
I probably shouldn't have spoken at all. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm much more prose than verse oriented.