quote: For the third time that week, the black Camry had been parked outside of my house. The first two times I hadn't taken much notice of it, assuming that it was someone visiting a neighbor or something equally mundane, but now… As the old saying goes, "First time is happenstance, second time is coincidence, third time is enemy action." I knew something was up. Working as an agent to protect the cause had heightened my senses and I could tell when something was wrong. Now was one of those times.
Then the phone rang. A normal occurrence you might think, but my phones had been unplugged since the last incident, seven months before. Looking around to make sure it wasn't a ploy to distract me from something important I hurried over to the phone table and picked up. "Hello?"
"Amy, I need you to pick up some milk on the way home." Said the smooth male voice on the other end. I was puzzled; my name wasn't Amy. How could someone dial a wrong number and reach my unplugged phone? Then the voice continued "Refina, don't say anything, you're being watched."
I wanted to yell, 'I know that! How did you get my phone to work?' but I obeyed.
I apologize for the weird symbol in the first paragraph. I usually try to clean up all the cut and paste formatting errors, but I have no idea what punctuation mark that was supposed to be. If the author sends me an e-mail I’ll fix it.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Two points for providing critique. Critique must be more substantial than “I like it” or “good flow.” If I’m not sure if something counts as critique, I’ll award one point. Critique points can be earned even after the round is officially over.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
Care to give a rationale for that guess? (You get points that way.)
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
LOL, it reads like a detective skit from Whose line is it anyway. I love it. The whole phone thing totally hit my funny bone! As well as the whole offbeat stuff about the milk.
AJ
A guess: I think it is one of the _ or Papa Moose due to the sense of humor. Since Dan Raven has already been guessed I'll go with Bob_Scoptaz!
aJ
[ January 30, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
It seems to me that we are starting out here all mundane and normal, and so our heroine was not very concerned about the car.
But then, if she wasn't that paranoid, why is the phone unplugged. If she was that cautious, she would likely suspect every car that came along.
I like the tone. I really love that funky symbol stuff too!
I'll go with a female, just 'cause our protagonist is female.
Ryuko is my blind guess.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to all.
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
The first sentence was really redundant, but now that Banna mentioned Whose Line and I picture Colin saying it, I'm pretty sure it was redundant for humor's sake.
quote:Looking around to make sure it wasn't a ploy to distract me from something important I hurried over to the phone table and picked up.
I'm pretty sure that needs a comma after "important".
I'll say saxon75, simply because my first choices have already been guessed.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
My rationale was that it sounded similar to the rhythm of what Dan wrote on the mother tribute post.
But I was wrong. <SIGH>
No other guesses at this point.
Farmgirl
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
This is too vague. To make it exciting, add some particulars. What cause? What incident?
The POV sounds nothing like a secret agent with any experience (at least if you read this kind of stuff). She's not on her toes at all and very slow to realize what's going on. Give her some more street smarts. Make her quicker on the uptake. Add a little spice to her narration. The staid style she tells the story in does not fit the excitement and mystery of what's happening.
All right, I'll say it, she sounds like a housewife dumped into international intrigue. Which is an OK situation for a story, but it needs to be more obvious.
I'm assuming this is a female author, and I'm going to guess JaneX.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No and no.
Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
I think this sounds really cool, but for some reason I had to read this sentence a few times to get it:
quote: Working as an agent to protect the cause had heightened my senses and I could tell when something was wrong.
I was reading it as, "Working as an agent to protect the cause that had heightened my senses I could tell when something was wrong. Whoops! I'm really curious to find out what happens next. I'm also going to guess a female since it is narrated by a female, so... jeniwren
[ January 30, 2004, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: MidnightBlue ]
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
To steal Banna's idea, I'll say Papa Moose.
If I'm right, sorry Banna.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
I didn't get a humorous tone from it the first time I read it.
There are some verb tense problems in the first paragraph and those last three sentences have a lot of redundancy in them.
I don't understand the phone call at all. Did he say "Amy pick up the milk" to allay the suspicion that she's an agent to anyone who might have tapped the phone? If so, he ruined it by telling her she's being watched.
And if she's being watched, having her answer the phone and not say anything is weird. It would be better to say "Just act normally, you're being watched."
I have no idea who it is.
I'm gonna say sarahdipity just because I think her name is cool.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No, no, and no.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Based on both his writing style and his post above, I guess eslaine.
Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
Maybe she's a whistle blower, or her husband was the secret agent. I want more details. What happened the first time?
Is it Banna?
Posted by Scythrop (Member # 5731) on :
Like Belle, I'm afraid I missed the humourous tone of the piece on the first reading. I Like it, though, particularly the feeling of justified paranoia which the author has managed to accomplish.
Comments on reduntant sentences have already been made, and I'd concur with them, however I'd also like to see the piece given a really tight edit with particular reference to word repetition - one of my little bugbears:
Eg:
quote: I hurried over to the phone table and picked up. "Hello?"
"Amy, I need you to pick up some milk on the way home."
For me, the use of "picked up" and then "pick up" within two lines interrupts the flow and pace of the narrative, and detracts from the overall enjoyment of the plot. My feeling is that this is important, particularly in a piece with this kind of 'film noir' undertone to it - the suspense and paranoia of the character need to build quickly, and there are a couple of places where it is slowed by this repetition.
::Gets off high horse::
That said - I liked the piece, and found a definate and clear character's voice coming through, which is an achievement in such a short passage. I'd love to read more and see what becomes of this phone call. (I should mention that I also love the ringing phone as a motif in a suspenseful story - it's been used by so many of the masters - Calvino, Hitchcock, and of course, our host Mr. Card among others, so well done there, author)
I'd be guessing someone young, and probably male, but will happily admit that this guess is a random one - jaiden?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
This has mackillian written all over it. Sardonic wit, a troubling "encounter" with a parked car, bells going off while unplugged. It's just her.
Okay, now, the critique.
The sentences beginning "I knew something was up." and ending with "this was one of those moments" spoil the mood. I think it detracts from the suspense. I'd delete it. We get that this was one of those moments without you saying so. I think you can rely on the readers' knowledge of the archetype for this kind of story to bridge the gap, rather than you having to spell it out for us. You could replace that stuff with maybe some more description. Not internal thoughts though. more like looking at things and trying to decide whether something is out of place or not.
The phone call is hilarious! Brilliant. In fact, I think this is a great intro to a story because it really has me wanting to find out what's next.
Great suspense.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to all.
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
I was going to be the nice kid who waited for somebody else to guess before he did, but I'm too impatient.
Leonide? She hasn't been guessed yet, and though I've only seen a few of her posts, this looks like something she might write.
[ January 31, 2004, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Da_Goat ]
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Psssst... Leonide is a SHE Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
<cough>
But of course! What did you think I said?
<sigh>
Sorry Leonide.
I think from now on, I'll just refer to everybody as "it". That way, I only offend everybody instead of a select few.
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
That's okay, Da_Goat. It's been awhile since anyone's made that mistake, so seeing it happen again is almost sweetly nostalgic. Or something. Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I guess: TomDavidson
Not the Ma-- err, Author: Dan_Raven Bob_Scopatz Ryuko saxon75 JaneX jeniwren Papa Moose sarahdipity eslaine BannaOJ jaiden mackillian Leonide Tom Davidson imogen Tresopax Da_Goat rivka Brinestone Gottmorder Ethics Gradient Tristan
How About: Dragon Dante sndrake
[ February 02, 2004, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No and no.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
I'm going to keep this thread moving a little, even though most of what needed critiquing in this piece has already been dealt with.
quote: Said the smooth male voice
This is a personal thing, but it might be better if it were "a smooth male voice."
Also, the reaction to yell is unusual. I'd be outright scared if someone said that to me down a phone.
I guess...
imogen Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
no
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Tresopax?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
no
Posted by Tristan (Member # 1670) on :
I don't think this piece is about a real, serious agent working for an intelligence service. Rather, I'm guessing the "cause" that she serves is something more odd and humorous and that the story is intended to be comical with perhaps an ironical undertone. I'm amused by the paranoia displayed by the heroine. Especially the sentence "[l]ooking around to make sure it wasn't a ploy to distract me from something important I hurried over to the phone table and picked up" is well done. Immediately thinking that a phone call might be a distraction from something else is the mark of a true paranoic.
I have some nit-picks with punctuation.
quote: The first two times I hadn't taken much notice of it, assuming that it was someone visiting a neighbor or something equally mundane, but now… As the old saying goes, "First time is happenstance, second time is coincidence, third time is enemy action."
Discounting the funny signs, I would change it thus: "The first two times I hadn't taken much notice of it, assuming that it was someone visiting a neighbor or something equally mundane. But now, as the old saying goes: "first time is happenstance, second time is coincidence, third time is enemy action"."
Next, I would put "Hello" on a line for itself.
quote:"Amy, I need you to pick up some milk on the way home." Said the smooth male voice on the other end.
The period after "home" is unnecessary and disturb the flow of the narrative.
Despite this piece having a female protagonist, my first impression was that it was written by a male writer, perhaps somewhat inexperienced (due to my issues with the punctuation).
I'm going to start guessing:
Da_Goat.
[ February 02, 2004, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: Tristan ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No.
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
I'm going to try Tom Davidson's trick and guess rivka, assuming the author would not have avoided posting, and she's the only one who did post, didn't critique harshly, and hasn't been guessed yet. We'll see if I get lucky.
[ February 02, 2004, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: Brinestone ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Turnabout is fair play. Brinestone?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No and no.
Posted by Tristan (Member # 1670) on :
Gottmorder?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Ethics Gradient?
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
Tristan?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
no no no.
Posted by Tristan (Member # 1670) on :
I have two young men (well, whom I believe to be young men) left on my secret list. First:
Dragon.
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
Dante?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Ding ding ding. It's Dragon.
Posted by Jeni (Member # 1454) on :
I also didn't catch a humorous tone the first time through this. Actually, I was confused the first time through, but that's not unusual for me...
I don't really care for the old saying in the first paragraph. I don't think it flows very well. Also, personally, I would never happen to notice such an average car as a black Camry and remember it a week or two later. Especially if I hadn't taken particular notice of it in the first place.
I'm a little thrown off by the whole unplugged phone thing. We started out with a perfectly average setting involving a Camry, and all of a sudden unplugged phones are ringing. I suppose it all works out with the larger story, though.
I'm not sure where to begin with guessing. Dragon, maybe?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
sndrake?
Posted by Jeni (Member # 1454) on :
Grrrr!
By the way, I'm pretty sure Dragon is not a young man.
[ February 02, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: Jeni ]
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
I'm pretty sure I'm not a young man either!
Thanks for the critiques guys! This piece was written for English class: we had to take a random first sentence from a list and creat a story to follow it and as it was a one night assignment I just wrote it out and turned it in. Now I'm definately going to have to go back and fiddle with it...
I'm so honored by these!:
quote: Dan_Raven
quote: A guess: I think it is one of the _ or Papa Moose due to the sense of humor. Since Dan Raven has already been guessed I'll go with Bob_Scoptaz!
btw, I have no idea what that set of symbols was for... a mystery!
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
I apologize, phantom bumper (and anyone else who’s getting impatient for the next round), but I’m going to be out and about today and wouldn’t be able to answer guesses. So I’m going to wait to post the next round until Monday.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
I have never been able to figure out how people phantom bump these threads with no new messages. FG
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
You reply and then delete your post. The thread stays "bumped" even after the post that bumped it is gone.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
But then that would show on the new post indicator -- even if they deleted it before I read it. Instead of saying no new posts... (at least, I would think it would)
FG
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
It does, actually. I know the phantom bumper(s) has been at work when there's a white folder in among the yellow. Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
You could probably check each person's list of most recent posts to find out who it was. I think deleted posts would still show up on that list, since it just tells you the thread.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
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