Most of you know I've been struggling a great deal lately with my illness. This month proved to be the nastiest of them all with two hospitalizations for acute manic episodes. The first one was for three days. The episode was brought under control by adding Topamax to the Lamictal I'm already taking.
Now, the Lamictal has done most of the job already. It's basically removed the depressed and mixed episodes that plagued me. The manic episodes had been few and far between, so it was the depression and mixed stuff that really needed to be taken care of.
HAHA, NOT SO! said my brain.
Stupid brain.
I started having a LOT of trouble with manic episodes since July. Various medications were attempeted.
All the atypical antipsychotics: Zyprexa, Risperdal, Seroquel, Geodon, Abilify, I might be missing one, but we did try all of them. Typically, the atypicals are the meds used to control mania.
Well, I am quite sensitive to medication. The worst atypical for me (Zyprexa) caused me to sleep for 32 hours straight (One potty break, I fell over twice trying to get to the bathroom and it's barely ten feet from my bedroom). The easiest atypical (Abilify) caused me to have all the symptoms of an anxiety attack (tachycardia, hot flash, sweating) and I couldn't get up off the floor (after collapsing there) for an hour.
I don't respond to lithium.
For anti-convulsants used as mood stabilizers, we've tried trileptal, depakote and most recently, topamax. Trileptal and depakote have some icky side effects for me (and half of the others who take it). Trileptal gave me tremor and slowed my reflexes to the point where I could no longer play racquetball, and I dropped stuff and tripped constantly. Depakote, after five days, made me ravenously hungry all the time. Literally. You can never be satiated. Not wanting to gain 50+ pounds, I opted not to take any more depakote.
Enter the topamax at the beginning of this month. At first, it did control the mania. However, it caused severe nausea, so I didn't eat. It also gave me malaise, so I felt physically like crap and couldn't work out. Then, even though I was taking my meds as prescribed, I STOPPED SLEEPING AGAIN.
When I saw my psychiatrist for my regular appointment, he decided that I needed hospitalization AGAIN.
Boy, was I pissed. He let me go home and grab clothes. He also decided to keep in inpatient for five days and have me to partial hospitalization (groups, groups and more groups) for four days so that he could monitor my moods closely.
Whee.
He also decided to experiment. (Guinea pig, anyone?) He and my psychologist have been throwing around the possibility that I have AD/HD for a couple months. They were reluctant to try a stimulant outpatient because if I didn't have AD/HD, it would send me off the walls.
But inpatient, my psychiatrist decided, what the hell, might as well try it. He also added a second mood stabilizer at night (Gabitril) to help regulate sleep (it's short acting in the body, 7-9 hours) but you get real sleep, not the pretend sleep of Ambien (or other benzodiazepines) or Trazodone.
Sleep started to come back. The first night, I woke up every two hours and slept total only five. A start.
The next morning, we started Ritalin, 5mg at 8 AM and 5mg at 12 PM.
Within two hours, the nurses, the doctor, the other PATIENTS, and myself noticed that I wasn't as restless, I could sit down for longer periods of time to read.
Hmmm.
Next day, doctor increased Ritalin to 10 mg at the same two times.
Enter the magic pill.
I felt relaxed and calm. I could just sit and do one thing at a time. I didn't feel like I needed to run off the unit. My thoughts weren't scattered everywhere, they could follow each other one by one. I could still think FAST, but in a logical progression instead of haphazardly. I didn't feel overwhelmed or frustrated. I didn't fidget and squirm.
The real test came the next morning in my 3.5 hours class (I got a pass off the unit to attend class).
I have NEVER had an easier time in school. Ever. See, when I was in school, especially college when I WAS interested in the topic, I hated going to class. I'd get bored within ten minutes. I'd be restless in my seat. I'd have to be doing at least three things at once (I wrote novels while watching the lecture and taking notes). I'd feel trapped in the room. Even when I was highly interested in the topic. Even in clinical psychology, my favorite class. All of them.
This time, that Saturday morning, I could just pay attention. I could concentrate and focus. I could SIT STILL. My classmates commented on it, "You're sitting SO STILL." My professor noticed my attention span had changed remarkably. I participated more because I was totally following the lecture. I didn't feel the need to draw or write stories or run from the room, just because. I didn't desperately want class to be over (usually, I did, even if I had nothing to do after, I just wanted to do something different).
All of that changed.
The same in my daily life. I stopped getting overwhelmed and frustrated so easily. I was calm and relaxed, I could physically feel it.
I felt NORMAL.
I still feel the same way.
Now, I know there's no such thing as a magic pill, but the Ritalin LA (long acting, so I don't have to take a pill in the middle of the day) has made an incredible difference in my life. Coupled with the Lamictal and Gabitril, I think I have my life back.
My doctors are fantastically positive (their own words) that I have, too.
Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
mack, I love that you're nearly as crazy as I am.
Is there any way we can keep your manic periods while getting rid of the depressive ones?
I don't want to lose posts like that last one in the speeding tickets thread.
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
mack,
You don't know how glad I am for you. I know that school is important to you (and heck, staying out of the hospital!), and finally you have some help. *firm hugs*
Now, about the appetite suppression...grrr...you just need to live with me. I fatten *everyone* up. Rocky used to be lithe and lovely, now he's a lumpy fat@ss--I can do the same for you! *grin*
I'm so pleased, punkin.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Hooray for Mack! Really, I admire your courage, lady. We so often like to disparage psychological medication, but even though it's easily abused, it works wonders for those who need it.
My Dad has clinical depression, and as much I hated admitting to a magic pill, the times he was on prozac were the times he was finally himself again. I admire those who dedicate their lives to research and develop treatments to help people live normally and enjoy life.
I'm glad you're doing well and happy. Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
Yippi for you, Mack ! (((Mack))) you're a great person, I'm glad you're feeling better.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Yay for Mack!! It's amazing what modern medicine can do, and I'm really glad it's doing well by you at this point, mack. Keep us updated!!
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
I'm glad you found the magic bullet for your problem. Posted by Papa Moose (Member # 1992) on :
I'm so happy things are working for you, mack. I'm still looking forward to playing racquetball with you eventually, though if your concentration improves too much I'll have a tougher time of it. Well, that's the price of considering my friends' health and well-being to be more important than my ego, I suppose. But if you could let me win a few points, that'd be nice. (((mack)))
--Pop
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
mackillian, I can't stress how much you impress me. Even through your toughest times, you keep working on solving problems, keep on staying as good and kind and strong as you can, and keep on taking care of others as best you could.
Remarkable. You are one of my heroes.
*three cheers for mack
*three cheers for magic pills Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Good deal, mack.
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
Sweet! *whoops and hollars* That's excellent news. Congratulations on making it through all that to find something that worked!
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
Yay! Posted by BYuCnslr (Member # 1857) on :
Wee! They got it right now! Satyagraha
Posted by ae (Member # 3291) on :
That's wonderful. Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Glad you're back!
Posted by Theca (Member # 1629) on :
Posted by kwsni (Member # 1831) on :
Mack, that is so great.
Ni!
Posted by peter the bookie (Member # 3270) on :
isn't that what the doctors say? when they find the right mix you feel normal?
i'm so happy for you, mack.
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
This one's for you, Mack...
--|--
I'm really glad you're feeling better.
Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
Hooray! It's great that you finally seem to have found the medication that works for you. You are an amazing woman to get through all this trouble your brain's been giving you. You completely deserve to finally have a normal life. Congrats!
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
mack, I am SO GLAD for you!!! I am also really really glad that you keep us posted on how you're doing. We really do care a lot (especially those of us that have been around here long enough to follow your story).
YAY!!!
Posted by Dead_Horse (Member # 3027) on :
Oh, so cool, Mack! I hope it works for a long, long time, and without problems.
I don't have the same thing as you, but your perseverance keeps me working on mine. You are my hero!
Posted by Jill (Member # 3376) on :
That's really great, Mack. I was young when I started taking Ritalin, so I didn't immediately notice a difference, but my parents and teachers certainly did. I'm really glad you've found a medication that works for you. By the way, what do you mean by "fake sleep"? I'm just asking because I'm on Trazadone right now, and I'm wondering if that could be why I'm always so tired even though I get a lot of sleep.
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
*tackle hugs mack*
I'm so happy for you.
But you knew that already.
**Ela**
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Jill, that's exactly what I mean by "fake sleep." You sleep, but it sure doesn't FEEL like it.
Thanks all Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
YAY! (((((mack)))))
<party smilie omitted here>
Posted by MaydayDesiax (Member # 5012) on :
(((mack))) Congrats on feeling better
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
Mack, you are an amazing person and I admire your strength and courage. Congrats and I hope that the "magic pill" continues to keep you feeling normal.
(((((Mack))))))
Posted by Richard Berg (Member # 133) on :
Yay Mack! Glad to hear Ritalin works for you. If it does push you into mania, you might try Strattera (it's not a stimulant).
Posted by Wendybird (Member # 84) on :
Mack,
I can't thank you enough for sharing that story. My 8yo heart transplant boy is really having problems with depression, frustration, anger etc etc. His psychologist, transplant team, and therapist have been examining the ADHD issue for a while now and we've been reluctant to add one more med to his mix. But I think we are going to give it a try. Something has to give soon or we won't make it through this.....
Anyway, I'm getting quite a bit of flack from family members insisting that ADHD is not real and I'll screw him up if we "diagnose" him with it and put him on medication, that we'll turn him into a zombie, really heated stuff. Its been tearing me up because I feel so weary and scared we'll make the wrong decision. Your post gives me hope that maybe we can solve some of his issues and I can have my sweet son back, not this monster he turns into...
(((Mack))) (no flying tackle hugs from me though I'd love to give them, I hurt my toe )
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Depression is co-morbid with AD/HD a lot, Wendy. The thing about ad/hd medication is that if it is ad/hd, then the med isn't going to turn him into a zombie. Instead, it will help with concentration, focus, frustration and the feeling of being overwhelmed.
Richard, we did consider strattera, but my psychiatrist thought that as a norepinephrine inhibitor, strattera would be MORE likely than a stimulant to trigger a manic episode.
Go figure. Posted by Wendybird (Member # 84) on :
Thanks mack. Thats what we figure too. I know he gets overwhelmed and frustrated easily. It would be nice to have some help with that.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
((((((((((((Mack)))))))))))) Further proof that Mack rocks.
Hobbes Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
Your story really made my day, mack. Thanks for sharing it.
Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
Ela and I were just talking about you the end of last week! I'm so glad to hear that there has finally been a break-through for you! You've had to wait way too long to feel normal! I hope you get to feel normal for good now! Isn't it great that there really can be "better living through chemistry"?!
[ December 08, 2003, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: ludosti ]
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
mack, this is the best news I've heard in a long while. I am thrilled for you.
Posted by Miro (Member # 1178) on :
That's awesome. It's so nice when things actually work out.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
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Then, even though I was taking my meds as prescribed, I STOPPED SLEEPING AGAIN.![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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