I don't know if I'll suceed because I don't have an _ in my name like Dan_Raven or Bob_Scopatz, but I'm going to attempt my complaint in true Scopatzian fashion. Please accept my humble imitation.
I don't mind Christmas really, I don't. I have issues with people gypping me for my birthday but those are personal. I can't help the fact that due to my mother's unfortunate Christmas Eve consumption of corned beef and cabbage (which I loathe to this day) I was born on Christmas Day.
My little brother and I used to put our lights up every year. Our theme was "simple but tacky do-it yourself." The problem is now, with all of the commercial decorations on the market, the tackiness quotient has soared, and the do it yourself quotient has drastically declined. I have seen Christmas decoration abominations on lawns this year that would have our gentle and dignified Mrs. M cringing with the garishness even though she's Jewish and is under no obligation to celebrate the holiday.
First on the list: these trendy rope lights that look like the love child of an electric eel and a garden hose. Please realize that if they are flashing solid Red, White and Green they appear to be a Mexican Independence Day celebration at a restaurant owned by a Jose Hernandez. They are more appropriate in that bar where you have friends in low places than on your house or in your windows. In addition, all of the pre-fabricated pre-coiled ropelight decorations of santa and stars and christmas trees just make a statment on your laziness since you weren't willing to do the work yourself to advance the holiday spirit. No, you sold out to crass commercialism when you purchased those hidous things, and are putting them on your lawn to insure your neighbors that you actually do have more "holiday spirit" than they do by one upping them.
In this same vein are the light nets. Why oh why must you put these on bushes? Imposing the artificality of straight lines and orderly rows on any bush except W. is a crime against nature. The rainbow ones are particularly the worst because you can see the straight lines of each color runing along the poor shrub like skunk stripes. They look like they would be more at home in a gay pride parade with these than celebrating the Christmas season. These throw nets also have the intent of making it look like you did a lot of work getting every light in place. Well we can see through it, they are ugly and we know you are just plain lazy and trying to take a shortcut for doing things the old fashioned way!
The last thing is a decoration that is not only ugly but trite and reduntant as they are on nearly every lawn as they are bought to keep up with the Jones'. They have me contemplating going out and buying a shotgun and indulging in a hunting spree. The culprit would be those wire deer coveredn in lights that look like topiary frames. Well guess what guys, the whole point of a topiary frame is to get a topiary to grow on it. When it is just wire it is UGLY, lights or no!
Here's a salute to all of the Christmas decorators out there who haven't indulged in cheap tricks but stuck with the oldfashioned do it yourself method which is far more meaningful and in the spirit of Christmas.
AJ
[ December 13, 2004, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
:completely agrees with BJ:
Farmgirl (who does NO decorating for Christmas whatsoever)
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
How do you know your neighbors didn't weave their own light net?
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Hello, my name is Jennifer and I...I....I'm a Christmas Lightaholic.
It all started a few years ago when my husband and I bought my first house. I thought I was safe to start off with just afew strings of lights. But they're addicting, I say! Addicting! After that first Christmas, I couldn't help but buy every After-Christmas-Sale string I could find. And at such a bargain, who could resist? Now, I confess, I have a premade star of those rope lights. It hangs in an upstairs bedroom window, like the star of the night. And I have four nets of twinkling multicolored lights, but wait -- before you judge me a complete junkie, I don't use them on bushes. I have them zip tied together to cover the boulders in our front yard. And then there are the ribbon lights, which hug the pillars of our porch. And the swag lights that hang from the upper eve. And the garland lights that outline the stairs.
I was thinking about getting some of those new ropelights, because there's a new set out, of just green and white, which would go with my theme...mostly.
*sobs into hands* Is there any hope? I don't think I can stop on my own...
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Having spent the last 10 christmases in a neighborhood with many Mexican Americans and Homosexuals, I would say your comments could conceivably be offensive to some. Now just becuase the people had rainbow lights doesn't prove they are gay, though the fact that most flew an American flag with rainbow stripes the rest of the year would seem to indicate it.
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
<sheepishly raises hand>
I have net lights on the bushes.
I also have icicle lights on the roof. Yes, I suppose I could have created my own icicle effect with regular light strands, but I'm not particularly fond of heights so I prefer to limit my time up there.
BTW, every year I remind my wife not to move the ladder while I'm up there. She did that one year. It got real cold (for Florida) when the sun went down. Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Banna, I herby recommend you for an honoray __
Pooka, I suggest you post your holiday electric bill somewhere you can see it. That may be the best way to break this disgusting habbit.
I beleive that the 1 color lights, outlinging a house like candy on a Gingerbread House looks the best.
Plastic Creatures with a 60 watt light bulb look the worst, especially after they've faded and cracked.
Though running lights up half a tree is also bad taste.
I did Holiday lights for 2 years. Then I discovered how high up my roof really is, and haven't gotten the courage to go back.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
pooka, I would contend that most gay people posess fashion sense and therefore not be seen any where near those rope net lights. Plus it was spposed to be satirical! I invoked Bob_scopatz at the beginning for that reason. And I slammed on G.W. Bush the sentence before, I thought the juxtaposition was actually quite nice. I tried to write it with Caleb Varns in mind and if he is offended I will change it.
Also, probably the reason why the lights do remind me of Mexican independence day is because my childhood was spent as the only white kid in a latino neighborhood in California. I have extremely fond memories of eating their grandmother't tamales and being welcomed into everyone's homes. Jose Hernandez is the hispanic equivalent to saying "John Smith" which is why I picked that arbitrary name. I wrote the peice with all my hispanic friends in mind as well, and I know they would have been laughing too.
AJ
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
What about those inflatable Santas and snowmen? Are we allowed to use those?
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
ack, I knew there was a rant I had planned that I was forgetting!
I won't be surprised if there is a rash of broken limbs of children this year after they jump off the roof expecting said inflatable to cushion them a la stuntman style...
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
The Christmas curmudgeon does not object to icicle lights of any sort unless they are icicle rope lights. If you make the "icicles" by hand, they turn out to be much more zig-zaggy than purchased icicle lights. If you do choose to make them by hand by doubling up on the lights the Christmas curmudgeon recommends (after trial and error) rubber bands as a quick and dirty fastener to hold them together.
Dan, One of us must have gotten the wrong envelope from the society to promote the illusion of free will this morning. That or you mixed me up with Jeniwren.
AJ-I'm just trying to keep us politically correct. That's the most important part of the holly-day season. Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Being unable to stay in any sort of character, no matter how similar to my own for any length of time is why I don't role play. THis is most recently seenn from the schizophrenia between my above posts as both AJ and the Christmas curmudgeon. Sometimes I wish I could though!
AJ
Posted by Trisha the Severe Hottie (Member # 6000) on :
Well I think they're nice. Putting down anyone's attempt at Christmas lights is like saying they shouldn't bare their midriff unless they have a six pack. No, wait...
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
quote: It got real cold (for Florida)
And here I was, imagining you in -30 degree weather. I have no pity. Sorry.
My house has a string of lights around the edge of the ground floor, and ridiculously few strung one-and-a-half times giant blue spruce which, when turned on, look really pathetic.
But no tackyness, right?
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Sorry Pooka, I did get you and Jen mixed up. See, I forgot who said it, hit back, saw your name, and wrote.
My bad.
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
Dan, just as it makes no difference for a crack addict what the going price is, neither does an electric bill that would rival that of an aluminum smelter. That is what Christmas is about, don't you see? A zillion twinkling, chasing, pulsing lights, to guide dear Santa to our humble home. The cost is of no consequence.
I do draw the line at lit up animals, especially the animated ones. Those are just garish, and could not be considered adequately satisfactory to a true addict of Christmas lights.
Posted by Scythrop (Member # 5731) on :
Personally, I prefer a minimalist approach. I just turn the porch light on and off five or six times every night Dec 23-26th inclusive. Usually leaving about five seconds between each flash.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
btw, my gay, mexican-american friend from college read my piece and thought it was funny. I figure if I hit both the special interest groups with one person and he got offended over either section I would change it. Thanks JJ
AJ
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Well done!
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
I put blinker lights on a strand that outlines the door of my dormroom, and half the supid thing blinks at a different time from the other half--and it's only one strand!!!
stupid retarded light strand.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
The people on the corner of my street are the worst. Not only can you see their house from a mile away because of all of the blinking multicolored figures, they have a couple santas and some snowmen right next to baby Jesus and Mary! Either be religious or not, don't do both!
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
quote:I have seen Christmas decoration abominations on lawns this year that would have our gentle and dignified Mrs. M cringing with the garishness even though she's Jewish and is under no obligation to celebrate the holiday.
They do. Today I saw a sleigh on a lawn and instead of the usual elegant plastic reindeer, they had plastic PINK FLAMINGOS! In Richmond, Virginia! Why? WHY? I didn't even see any of these when I lived in Florida.
Posted by aspectre (Member # 2222) on :
The official new name for is "Gay Pride Parade."
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
Posted by kneelunge (Member # 6010) on :
at least y'all's loving SOs do NOT put Hallmark collectible ornaments commemorating Star Trek and Star Wars on your blasted Xmas tree Posted by kneelunge (Member # 6010) on :
Oh, and everyone congratulate Banna for *finally* luring me onto this board....!
[ December 07, 2003, 11:30 PM: Message edited by: kneelunge ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*congratulates AJ* Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
you don't know though kneelunge, there are quite a few starwars fanatics and trekkies on this forum. You might be surprised...
AJ
Posted by kneelunge (Member # 6010) on :
Sheesh, as long as I can have a couple of normal ornaments, I'll be happy....just not a complete acttion figure set on my tree!!
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Well I'm sure some of the Hatrack Wenches have complete sets of Lord of the Rings (LotR) action figures hanging from their trees. (Or if they don't they will now that I suggested it!) I guess Elves fit in with the Christmas theme.
AJ
Posted by kneelunge (Member # 6010) on :
ack, noooo.... ....I want my cutesy tinsely tree, dangit.
Seriously - we decided to put a pretty enameled butterfly instead of the usual star or angel at the top of our tree. Himself's mom and sister believe that Grandma comes to them as inspiration and strength in the form of a butterfly...and butterflies are associated with marriage in my cultural/religous tradition...so it seemed apropos. :-)
[ December 08, 2003, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: kneelunge ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Actually, I went home over thanksgiving and my mom decided to decorate the tree. And what do you know, she pulls out DS9, a large Defiant, a large Klingon Bird of Prey, a large Enterprise D, and three miniature ships to go on the DS9 model.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
So does that make it your mother's fault you are an engineer?
Maybe it is my mother's fault too. Though she was kind of humoring my father. Their entire Christmas tree, except for the tacky ornaments we kids made when we were three, is bicyle themed. Santa and Mrs. Santa on a tandem, Frosty on a tricycle etc.
I'm no longer a Christmas curmudgeon btw, I pulled out my little fiber optic Christmas tree, that I redid the gearbox on so that the color wheel still spun but the tree didn't. (The spinning tree was cheaper than a standing still one at time of purchase.) I also hung some lights, but only inside where the only person I'm disturbing is Steve, not the neighbors.
AJ
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
After my older brother developed the delightful habit of pulling the tree over, my mom created a Teddy Bear Christmas and hand-made all the ornaments, which were basically indesctructible.
*misses her mom*
Posted by Happy Camper (Member # 5076) on :
Actually, no, my mom isn't good in any of the subjects that engineers need to take in their education. I blame that on my dad, and his dad, and his dad. Only my dad managed to escape the whole engineer thing eventually. I'm not sure where this Star Trek fascination of my mother's came from. I think it was my dad originally. But the beast that is my mother's Star Trek obsession has grow far beyond anything appreciation my dad ever had.
Did that make sense...?
-Mike
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
*hugs kat*
Happy at least you have easy Christmas present ideas that you know she will like. Just get her another startrek ornament and all will be well.
Lest everyone think I loathe Christmas, which I don't, I was just grousing about ugly lighting arrangemnts, I got my mother a dog this Christmas, over my father's dull grumble, though I don't know if it will actually arrive before then or not. She is getting impatient, but since it is a toy Brussles Griffon and it has to be two pounds before the breeder can fly it from Kentucky to California.
My dad, is getting a gadget in true engineering style. He's already worn out one of these , and my mom says his second one is on its last legs. Last time the company asked him to send the broken one back to them because they'd never had one wear out before, but he kept it for parts.
My youngest brother is getting Tasmanian Devil boxers, (highly appropriate if you meet him, he's a whirling dervish) and I still have to come up with something for the middle brother, but I don't know if he wears boxers, he always used to wear briefs. He's a college student, maybe I'll just give him cash.
AJ
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
Wait, AJ, is the Flowbee a real thing?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
It certainly is. I don't own one, but I know several people who do.
How do you break one? Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Yes the Flowbee is real. My dad has used it for at least 10 years to cut hair (maybe more) He cuts his own hair and my brothers' and grandfather's hair.
He wore it out from excessive usage I guess. Really $60 every five or so years is pretty cheap in terms of haircuts.
AJ
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
OMG, Andrew can never find out about this! I finally have him going to my stylist before important events (job interviews, etc.). The rest of the time he goes to Supercuts, which I plan to cure him of in the next 7 years. His hair is hard to cut because he has side cowlicks.
I think I'm going to print out that site and take it to my salon on Wednesday and tell my stylist that I'm going to get one. He probably won't believe me, but it would be hilarious if he did.
AJ - your father has paid less for a decade of haircuts than I pay for one!
edit: I did mean less. I was thinking that I pay more for one than he has for ten years' worth.
[ December 08, 2003, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: Mrs.M ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Mrs. M, I think you mean less in a decade than you have paid for one. I could be wrong; I'm having a grammar problem tonight.
I still remember my first good haircut. My parents don't believe in spending money if they don't have to so I didn't have my hair professionally cut til I was 17. I was tutoring a hairstylist with ADD in math. She wanted to go to physical therapy school, but had to get through this math class. I managed to pull her through using some unorthodox techniques and a lot of kinesthetic learning.
Anyway, she got tired of me flying into the tutoring center with my long, unkempt, scraggly, chlorine-damaged hair flying everywhere. So she brought her scissors with her one day and gave me a professional haircut, just a dry cut, not wet or anything. It was so awesome I couldn't believe it.
Since than I've mostly sucumbed to vanity and gotten it professionally cut. Though I still feel guilty about wasting the money on myself.
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Mrs. M, I have a picture of my dad cutting my brother's hair that will be enough to make both you and your stylist cringe. If I can find it I'm going to e-mail it to you!
AJ
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
That would be awesome. I love to make John cringe. The best is when he puts down his comb and scissors and closes his eyes and shakes his head.
I don't know if it will make me cringe, though. When Andrew came home from his most recent visit to his parents, he brought a picture of himself when he was 12. There are no words to describe how awful his hair was. It was somewhere between a bowl and a mullet. It was a bowllet. It didn't help that he was already six feet tall. Good thing he didn't show it to me before we were married.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
rats I can't find that picture on my entire hard drive. Now I'm wondering what happened to it. Maybe it is on my work computer. If I find it I will e-mail it though!
AJ
Posted by kneelunge (Member # 6010) on :
...I have a picture of my dad cutting my brother's hair that will be enough to make both you and your stylist cringe. If I can find it I'm going to e-mail it to you!
I still have this picture (unless Bart at it...he actually died the other day...we may take the now-defunct THUNKpad and make a Bartenstein of it)...anhow, it is the absolute most HILARIOUS picture I've ever seen. Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
You have it!!!! Can you e-mail it to me if you can resurrect Bart? Because I can't effing find it on my computer's hard drive anywhere. I'm wondering if Steve inadvertantly deleted it in a fit of reformatting.
AJ (My brother may still have it, but he's in the middle of finals right now. Though I guess I shouldn't worry about disturbing him, it isn't like he is actually studying)
[ December 09, 2003, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Never mind, my brother is re-emailing them to me. If you want another copy let me know kneelunge.
AJ
Posted by kneelunge (Member # 6010) on :
Will do, though I think the tech we took it to, did burn all the stuff on my hard drive onto disks for me.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I have the infamous flowbee pictures in my grubby little paws again. If any one else wants to see them, let me know!
AJ (I just sent them to Ralphie for foobonic posting)
AJ
[ December 09, 2003, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
*bumpity bump*
I have a new abomination to rant on this year, but it's going to have to wait til after my meetings.
AJ
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
My outdoor Christmas decorations usually consist of popcorn strings and pinecones covered with peanut butter and birdseed. We make a bird tree, and it is soon decorated with red cardinals, blue jays, and other cute little living birdies!
Posted by AvidReader (Member # 6007) on :
I can't wait to see what's worse than those awful wire animals.
Posted by Stray (Member # 4056) on :
That's an awesome way to decorate for Christmas, Jenny! Only problem with doing it at our house is the cats would be desperately hurling themselves against the windows and patio door trying to get at the birds.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I thought this thread was going to be about Polar Bear the cat.
Polar Bear... Posted by signal (Member # 6828) on :
I saw this one house last year in Orlando with so much stuff around that you couldn't even see the grass... or the roof. This guy had the works. Snowmen, santas, those wire light up deer and other assorted things, the inflatable things, santas sleigh on the roof with more deer and stuff... And he had more rope lights than I'm sure his house was capable of powering. He was probably leeching power from his neighbors. It looked more like a creepy carnival than Christmas spirit of any sort. It was the ugliest (funniest) thing I have ever seen.
Posted by Zan (Member # 4888) on :
Excuse me Ms. Curmudgeon.
What happened to the rant?
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
I'm going to take a picture of my house and see if AJ has a problem with it. I'm scared now I may be crossing into tackiness.
I have greenery on every window, and a wreath on the door with burgundy and gold bows (I make the bows myself, mind you, so there is a significant do-it-yourself factor)
I don't have any hanging lights, but I do put floodlights in the yard to light up the house.
HOw am I doing on the tackiness scale?
Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
But what about the inflatable Homer Simpson with the box of donuts? Where your neighbor has the exact same thing?
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
I keep thinking about taking a picture of the house down the street and posting it here. They have at least 9 of those 8-foot high blow-up things. This is on a small city lot, so basically the entire yard is filled, and one on the roof of the garage. It is the tackiest thing ever.
I complained about it to my mom and she said she had been thinking about picking up a grinch one and putting it in my yard. I pointed out that I have no outdoor outlets. HA!
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
There are some people near here who have 17 of those blow ups. Their entire front and back yards are filled, plus there are 3 on the roof.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Nope, the grinch blow up strongly resembles a teddy bear... my next curmugenonly instalment is simmering right now and should bubble over from my brain shortly.
I'm planning on using the line "Since you clearly upgrade the Lexus and BMWs in your driveway, why not consider upgrading your Baby Jesus, instead of using that cracking and faded plastic nativity set..."
AJ
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
Christmas is about tradition, AJ. It wouldn't be tradition if they didn't keep things around until they fall apart.
Belle, burgundy and gold is always a tacky combination of colors. Might I suggest orange and blue which are much more festive colors.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
17 wouldn't fit on this lot. I doubt they could cram in any more than they have. (I live in Minneapolis proper, little houses less than 10 feet apart with garages in the alley.)
Posted by Carrie (Member # 394) on :
My family has never done much for outside decorating. We put lights in the bushes (by hand) and on the little pine tree we have in the front yard. We hang a wreath between the two front windows, and red velvet-y bows from the light fixtures. We've also got a couple big spotlights shining on our house, but it all looks nice. None of that inflatable crap. It just looks dumb.
As an aside, my friend's father refers to those net-lights as "roping bushes," so whenever I'm in the car with them, they point out every house who uses them and say "Well, guess they caught some bushes..."
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
zgator, an faded outdoor nativity set clearly purchased at your local walmart *isn't* traditional, it just says you were out to save a buck while making a "christian" statement...hmm how Christian is that? Particularly when your home is worth several million and you have 2 beamers and a Lexus SUV in your drivway?? (I drive by this house on my way home from work every day.)
AJ <with curmudgenon hat on>
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
My new neighbor only has 4 inflatables, but he also has a light-up Santa sleigh with reindeer (the kind that look like they're flying) and 2 light-up animated reindeer. His yard is outlined with light ropes and he has light-up candy canes all through his yard in every space not already filled. It's dangerous to walk through his yard because of all the extension cords branching everywhere.
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
<--goes to check tag on his indoor nativity to make sure it doesn't have a WalMart label on it.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
This year's Christmas theme is clearly "More is More" and if you aren't buying in you are Unpatriotic. Though if your decorations are patriotic you can get away with Less. An American Flag and a red, white and blue wreath as your only external decorations, make your lack of exorbitantly purchasing the Christmas decorations that drive our economy barely forgivable. Crass commercialism and wanton exhibitions of Christmas purchasing power are clearly more important than Supporting the Troops. Those who take the patriotic high ground are touching objects of amusement.
So More is More and those decorations from last year don't count in the tally either. You can buy 6 packs of candy canes to line your walks. But no one stops at 6. 24 is the required minimum. I've thought about getting two and using them them for guidance to find the edge of my drivway should the snow get piled too deep. Oh, but I can't buy just two? Hmm, maybe I'll simply snag them from somone else's yard. Which brings me to another point.
Considering that people have clearly spent hundreds putting up these displays, how much are they spending on the security systems to protect their purchases? Several times I've seen those air puff monstrosities totally deflated in the morning as I drive by and I suspect the work of teenage pranksters. Goodness knows that's what I'd be doing to those hideous things! It isn't just the wind, though seeing a giant air-sculpture Santa blown on its ass was one of the more amusing sights I drove by during yesterday's howling winds. Maybe they are drive by BB gunning? That would do the trick too.
I drive through a very affluent neighborhood on my way home from work. Although the "more is more" philosophy has gone down to the lowest common denominator, and Walmart has made decorations affordable to everyone, the truly blasphemous display of one upsmanship in this neighborhood is highly entertaining. Describing the edifices that go by the mocking term 'single family home' is the first problem, "luxury residence" is probably more accurate. The castle that I pass with tennis courts in the back has a blow up Santa larger than a Bus. The footprint of this things is at least the size of a Hummer, and it's fully three stories tall, taller than the roof of the aforementioned castle. For sheer size, this decoration takes the cake. It's competing with a blue whale for volumetric area.
Since no one else in the neighborhood could win the "biggest Santa" contest (one wonders if it is a statment on the owner's manhood) everyone else was forced to go with the More is More theme. The jury is still out on the most puff sculptures per yard, mainly because I can't count that fast as I drive by, but certainly the people that can win the "most convoluted theme" contest are the ones who have in their yard no less than: A Tweety bird, a snowman family, a snowman with a penguin, a penguin on an igloo, Minnie and Mickey in a sleigh, Scooby Doo, a Polar Bear, a Santa, a Grinch (a very freindly grinch that looks teddy-bearesque) and A Christmas Tree. I think they've gotten lost in a blender somewhere between the Disney channel and the cartoon channel and never quite realized where Warner Bros ends and Disney begins.
But let us examine, the messages that are being sent to our young impressionable minds. Of course the most important one is 'More is More'. But will they be scarred for life, by the incestuous and obscene positions of blow-up snowmen families stuck together in pedophilia forever? Or the even more obscene, penguin and polar bear stuck together, in what is undoubtedly a bloody struggle for Darwinian survival, considering that Polar bears are undisputedly the nastiest, bad tempered, most vicious bears alive today. Well the bloodbath would happen if Polar bears weren't at the NORTH POLE and Penguins at the SOUTH. For that matter when did Penguins become Christmas Fodder??? A Coke commercial that I have no memory of? Polar bears I can make the connection: North Pole, Santa's workshop etc. But a Penguin sitting on an Igloo?? once again we are mixing our metaphors. Igloo = Eskimo = North Pole; Penguin= South! This is on top of the Santa delivering Baby Jesus down a chimney problem that plagues the average four year old mind.
Now, there are a few residences in this wealthy neighborhood that I mentioned that have tried to do a more serious religious theme. Most of them I'm ok with, they haven't gone as extravantly, nor have they mixed their metaphors. But, the faded plastic nativity scene makes no such statement of humilty or tradition, when it clearly came from Walmart, and is sitting right next to 2 BMWs and a Lexus, on the lawn of a multimillion dollar estate. For God's sake, if you can upgrade your car, I think you can upgrade your Baby Jesus. It isn't like you were going to donate the money you saved to the starving children in Africa anyway!
The less wealthy people in my own neighborhood have definitely fallen in love with the plastic sculptures. They are apparently cheaper, than the air inflated kinds. If the puff sculptures are the dildoes of these masturbatory displays of holiday spirit, the rapidly fading plastic sculptures are the butt plugs. In some yards they are so thick one suspects that tipping one would start a domino chain stretching around the yard. But you can barely make out the features on whatever these holiday garden gnomes were supposed to be. They have faded into nearly white oblivion because they were made out of a cheap thermoset plastic that doesn't hold color well and cracks through so that we can see the light through it. Of course that just means becuase they last less then the Holiday season that they were purchased for that people will have to buy more next year, and so the Christmas marketing chain stretches on into oblivion.
The Christmas Curmudgeon also can't help but think that the mixed red and green lights that people are putting in their porch lights are sending mixed messages. I wonder how people have done that on houses near busy intersections? It would be an interesting lure for oncoming traffic, that's for sure. Or are they sending the message that they are giving the green light to having a red light district nearby? One can never be sure...
One last question before the Christmas Curmudgeon signs off for the year: What does the popular inflatable polar bear wearing a violet pointed wizard's hat have to do with Christmas? Did someone accidentally order their bears from Hogwarts??
Yours, the Christmas Curmudgeon
[ December 13, 2004, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Haven't quite read the whole thing, but just wanted to note that this year's air puff monstrosities run on electricity, so when you turn the lights off, they deflate.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
The lights were otherwise on
AJ
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
My outside outlet is tied to the inside one controlled by a wall switch. So if I have my front living room light (the one plugged into the inside wall-switch-controlled outlet), then my Christmas lights are also on.
I have no idea how long it takes to inflate one of those things, but with the seriously high winds and frigid cold (tonight's low is supposed to be single digit!), it's possible that the compressor just can't keep up.
And yes, I see lots of deflated balloon creatures in my neighborhood every morning. But every night they're back up in full demonic glory.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
Here, (now in Ottawa, not Toronto) it's not so much like a carnival because some people don't celebrate. I've also not seen a gaudy house yet, most have lights, and some have maybe a figure or two (we have plastic soldiers who guard the door outside on Christmas eve and only Christmas eve).
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
quote: For God's sake, if you can upgrade your car, I think you can upgrade your Baby Jesus
Best. Rant. Ever.
Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
This is the year of the light up reindeer. Now that they have been on sale for ~$15, they are EVERYWHERE. Some folks have 5 or 6 of the animated reindeer. Someone needs to tell them about overkill.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
wow I forgot to check on the comments since I've been sick. I'm glad you caught my subtlety Mrs. M. I'm wondering if I'm out of steam or if there will be more to rant on next year.
AJ
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
quote:This is on top of the Santa delivering Baby Jesus down a chimney problem that plagues the average four year old mind
I'm getting a beautiful mental picture here.
Posted by Sara Sasse (Member # 6804) on :
quote:This is the year of the light up reindeer. Now that they have been on sale for ~$15, they are EVERYWHERE. Some folks have 5 or 6 of the animated reindeer. Someone needs to tell them about overkill.
Good grief, yes.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
I'm considering hanging a couple of ornaments from our TV antenna this year.
Or, in the vein of less is more, maybe I should limit it to one?
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Banana
Send that, minus the sex toy references, to your local newspaper's editorial page today.
TheTick, there is only one proven cure for the overpopulation of any breed of deer.
It's rabbit season. It's Duck Season. It's Rabbit Season. It's Duck Season. No, It's Light Up Reindeer Season. oooh, Heck Yeah. Be very very quiet. We're hunting Light Up Reindeer.
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
I NEVER had my hair cut professionaly. Should I ?
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
I've developed a theory about those blow-up Santas, etc. It's called yard envy. The only people that I see with a bazillion of them in their yard inevitably have a teeny tiny yard. I've never seen those suckers done to over-kill by someone who owns a good acre or two. At least that's how it is where I live. Perhaps the people with land - after paying for the land - don't have enough money left over for thirty $40 inflatable Christmas decorations.
space opera
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Hey Dan, glad you liked it.
Here's a question for everyone. Which rant is better written? The 2003 rant or the 2004 rant?
Obviously if I was going to send either of them to a paper I'd have to take out the Hatrack references on the first one, and the sex toy references on the second. But if I was going to try to submit one which would you pick?
AJ
Posted by AvidReader (Member # 6007) on :
The first one's shorter and probably has a better chance of getting published just on that. But I think the second one is funnier.
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
I also like the second one better.
Next question: Tribune, Sun-Times or both? =)
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
My mother has succumbed to the demonic blow-up yard ornaments.... but as a result I discovered something interesting. The motors are only good for a maximum of 8 hours at a time. Run em longer and they overheat and blow a fuse to prevent serious damage. So now it makes sense to see balloon corpses all over the place from a safety standpoint... but I still say they're demons in disguise - especially that teddybear Grinch!
Posted by narrativium (Member # 3230) on :
All of these displays are a serious waste of electricity. I think it's time to institute some sort of power rationing system. If you exceed your allotment in a given month, they cut off your electricity, unless you have some sort of extenuating circumstance.
quote:If the puff sculptures are the dildoes of these masturbatory displays of holiday spirit, the rapidly fading plastic sculptures are the butt plugs.
Genius!
Posted by foundling (Member # 6348) on :
"a sweeping crackdown on all the hazards that make Christmas notorious as the season of misery and death" I know this person is being sarcastic, but really, isnt this how we all think of Christmas?
"People often use them to have open fires, complete with exploding embers that can land on furniture, on heavily gelled hair or even on a small furry pet that could suddenly go FOOF! and turn into the Yowling Fireball of Doom."
I just liked this mental image.
Posted by foundling (Member # 6348) on :
Oh, and these are wonderful to. And if you didnt read the link I'm refering to and are confused, it's your own fault.
"10. Shopping mall Santas. A strange man wearing a disguise who asks small children to sit in his lap. You make the call.
11. Reindeer. Lyme disease vectors.
12. Elves. Ideology and political allegiance unknown. Terror risk?"
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
hmm Goody you really think I should clean it up send it? It's probably too close to Christmas now.
As I have never actually wanted or intended to be a writer, the serious idea that you guys think it might be good enough to clean up send somewhere is kind of overwhelming.
AJ
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
quote:Some folks have 5 or 6 of the animated reindeer.
Um, I'm Jewish, but shouldn't there be 8 reindeer? And shouldn't they be tiny?
AJ, what about combining the two and sending it in?
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
Yes I absolutely think it's good enough to be sent in for consideration. =)
Posted by Amka (Member # 690) on :
Have I ever told you about our neighbors who had to install a seperate breaker box to handle all the lights they put on their house?
The problem is that there seemed to be no goal other than to completely cover their house in lights. Strings of lights were strung six inches apart to hang from the roof to the ground.
The house must be cursed with tackiness. These neighbors moved, only to be replaced by someone who puts those inflatable monstrosities in their yard. I have always hated the inflatable decorations. Previously only seen in car lots to warn customers away from seedy used car salesmen, the fact that they have appeared in people's yards has reduced my faith in humanity.
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
Here is a picture of our house, decked out for the holidays. I am not submitting this for the curmudgeon's approval, because if she doesn't like it, that says more about her than about anything else.
It includes icicle lights, storebought light garlands, nets, and prefab snowflakes. So there. Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
You're in luck Icky, my favorite color happens to be blue AJ
![[The Wave]](graemlins/thewave.gif)
than celebrating the Christmas season. These throw nets also have the intent of making it look like you did a lot of work getting every light in place. Well we can see through it, they are ugly and we know you are just plain lazy and trying to take a shortcut for doing things the old fashioned way!![[Hat]](graemlins/hat.gif)
![[Taunt]](graemlins/taunt.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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![[Grumble]](graemlins/grumble.gif)
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![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Monkeys]](graemlins/monkeys.gif)
![[Wall Bash]](graemlins/wallbash.gif)
....I want my cutesy tinsely tree, dangit.![[Angst]](graemlins/angst.gif)
![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif)
I still have this picture (unless Bart at it...he actually died the other day...we may take the now-defunct THUNKpad and make a Bartenstein of it)...anhow, it is the absolute most HILARIOUS picture I've ever seen. ![[Cry]](graemlins/cry.gif)
![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)
![[Hail]](graemlins/hail.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)