What is the best way of helping someone depressed? Do you sit and listen, or do you try to intervine somehow... I have a friend who needs my help and I do not how to give it to her. I need some advice.
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
I would say refer her to a doctor, counselor, someone with professional experience. If you don't know what you're talking about you may do more harm than good.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
I don't think the answer to that really can be given at this point, it depends on why they're depressed...
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
If you're worried that your friend might try to harm herself, then absolutely intervene. You might have to deal with your friend getting upset with you over it, but that's far better than having to deal with the regret and loss if she did end up doing something.
If you don't think that could happen, it's still not bad advice to refer your friend to a therapist. Of course, you should try to be tactful when doing so.
Overall, just be there and be a friend.
Posted by ana kata (Member # 5666) on :
Listen.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I agree with Julie - while you as a friend can listen, a professional can make a lot of difference.
Posted by Desu (Member # 5941) on :
Right, the situation has evolved since I last posted; she is talking about suicide now. I will not tell her to go see a shrink nor will I tell a shrink to go see her. I don't want to add betrayal to the list of things bothering her. Her parents have told her that she may not choose the college she will attend next year, they have also told her that they will live next to the college she attends and that she will live at home.
I need advice and I need it fast.
[ November 19, 2003, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: Desu ]
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
"Right, the situation has evolved since I last posted; she is talking about suicide now. I will not tell her to go see a shrink nor will I tell a shrink to go see her. I don't want to add betrayal to the list of things bothering her."
Because dying is bound to be less bothersome, really.
If you think she's genuinely suicidal, you must tell her parents IMMEDIATELY. Period.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
I'm telling you, if you think that there is a real chance of her harming herself, intervene. Betray her. Do whatever you have to do to make sure she's safe. IT IS NOT WORTH IT TO WATCH YOUR FRIEND DIE IN ORDER TO KEEP HER CONFIDENCES.
Posted by fugu13 (Member # 2859) on :
It is a sad day when saving someone's life is a betrayal of their trust.
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
First, calm down yourself. It does no good if you're both flying off the handle.
Two. Listen to Tom. If you think she's serious about committing suicide tell her parents. I know 2 people who have committed suicide in the past 8 months. Believe me, had I caught a wiff of it before it happened I would have told their parents/loved ones in a second. If you don't think she's suicidal sit down and listen to her and try to keep yourself grounded as well. Has she talked to her parents about this? Why won't they let her choose her own school? It'd probably help to understand their reasoning (it isn't because they want to ruin her life). If she does have to go to a university close to home, it isn't the end of the world. There's all kinds of perks to associate with it.
And, y'know. Listen, do fun things. The usual.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
quote: I will not tell her to go see a shrink
Why not? It may be the best course of action. Telling the parents is risky but probably neccesary, they are part of the problem but they could be part of the solution. If she's really suicidal and not just talking about it, she needs help, more than you can give, either from family or a professional.
How do you know if she's serious and not just talking about it? Beats me, that's why you need professional help.
You can call 1-800-SUICIDE=1-800-784-2433, Toll-Free Nationwide USA 24 hours / 7 days a week.
Try them , they will probably have useful advice. Also there are state suicide hotlines: http://suicidehotlines.com/ Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I agree, if you genuinely think she is a danger to herself you are OBLIGATED to tell someone either her parents or a professional.
However, I'm wondering if she just feels trapped with no way out and her parents trying to run her life. I've been there myself.
There is another solution. Once she turns 18 they can't tell her what to do. It is a hard but honorable thing to move out, get a job and work your way through school. If she isn't willing to do that she has no place whining at all.
They don't HAVE to pay for it. The only way she is obligated to go to a school of their choice is if they are paying for it. If you have to or choose to work your way through school, definitely go to a community college first to get the lower division requirements out of the way. It is a much much more cost-effective method that often results in a much better education because the teachers can give you more individual attention. You also value your education more because it is YOUR blood sweat and tears that went into earning it and none of your parents.
The other (much more cynical take) that is possible is that even though she says she is considering suicide and doesn't want you to tell her parents, she may want you to at a subconscious level. Sometimes a friend telling parents such things out of concern can be an indirect way of manipulating the situation to her desired outcome. Unfortunately I have seen it happen before.
AJ
Posted by Ayelar (Member # 183) on :
Make the right choice right now, and get her professional help. Now.
When she's dead, you won't have the luxury. Do the right thing, now.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Also, if you have her best interests at heart, it's hardly a betrayal, though she may feel that way.
((((Desu and friend))))
Whatever happens, don't blame yourself. Do what you can, but ultimately it's her life.
[edit: AJ and Ayelar made good points.]
[ November 19, 2003, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Morbo ]
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
I was suicidal in college for many of the same reasons. I felt absolutely trapped in the life my parents wanted for me rather than realizing I could create the life I wanted for myself. It took a long time for me to have control of my choices.
Be a friend, be supportive, but by all means get this girl to a counselor. I wish I'd had one. And maybe the parents won't go for it, if they are anything like mine were. However, it could do your friend a world of good.
Posted by Desu (Member # 5941) on :
I talked to her a bit more; she will not kill herself, though she wants to. Her family is extremely controlling, her father is dying of cancer and she does not want to defy them. I feel I owe it to her to give some sort of competent advice, but I don't know whether I am contributing to the problem by talking to her... should I let her try to figure things out for herself or try and help her out and talk to her?
I do not know what to do, I want to help but I do not know what the best course of action is.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Desu... do you have AIM? If so, my screen name's in my profile. Talk to me (only if you want to of course, but I'd try to help as much as I can).
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
I would say that she's probably already past "working things out for herself." Just because she says she no longer wants to commit suicide now doesn't mean she won't change her mind at some later date. Also, there are people who can help besides "shrinks," though what the options are depends on your definition of a shrink. Make sure she knows that you care about her and that you want to help her, but try to avoid going completely behind her back unless there is no other way (and there may not be).
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
Then it sounds like what she needs right now is what you are, a good friend. You're listening and concerned, and that's the kind of support she needs. Just keep it up ((Desu and friend & family))
Posted by Desu (Member # 5941) on :
Shit I can't find her... really got me worried now :-/
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
*knock knock* DESU! Do you have AIM?
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
Yeah, dude, and feel free to come into AIM chat (though its kind of booting people out today).
Posted by Desu (Member # 5941) on :
yeah I added you but it sais you're not online.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
It says WHAT?!
I am most definitely online... what's your sn, I can add you, maybe that will work...
Posted by Desu (Member # 5941) on :
I need advice and I need it fast. Right, after a lot of talking and some consoling things are starting to look up.
No I did not tell the school counselor, i just talked to her.
Thanks to all for your advice it has been very helpfull.
> Thanks Shani
Stay tuned for the next breakdown. I'm not kidding.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
And no breaking down, not allowed, y'hear?
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Hey Desu - When I suggested getting her to talk to a professional, I didn't mean you should go an tell the counsellor / a psych about your friend without telling her. Rather I think you should encourage your friend to go see someone - maybe offer to accompany her if it would make her feel more comfortable.
I went through a period of depression about 2 years ago following a relationship break-up - my friends were absolutely brilliant and supportive, but what I really needed was to talk to some-one neutral, who would listen to me without any preconceptions, and who was trained to do so.
I went to a psychiatrist twice - and those two sessions made all the difference.
I have a friend who has been majorly depressed for about 8 years now - she's been on and off anti-depressants. However the worst she has ever been was before she started getting counselling and when she stopped for a while.
There is no shame in seeking professional help. I think if you talk to your friend about the possibility and encourage her to do so, that is in no way a betrayel, rather the exact opposite.
I hope it all turns out ok - I know you are doing all you can, and you're demonstrating that you are a very good friend.
:: Edited for a missing 'o'::
[ November 19, 2003, 08:06 PM: Message edited by: imogen ]
Posted by Desu (Member # 5941) on :
Sorry I did not mean to be rude, it's just that I do not trust the counseling here. She is a relatively new friend and I was/am a bit unsure how to handle her when she gets like this, I don't want to lose her to suicide or to anything else.
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
desu, look at your other thread, do you really think you're thinking clearly here? use that wonderful charisma of yours to get her to seek help from someone who can help her. and keep by her side for the things you can help her with.
if you lose her to suicide, there is no "else". stop being a selfish bastard and do what's best for her. isn't that what friends are for?
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
You weren't being rude, I was just clarifying what I meant.
I can understand being unwilling to talk to the school counsellor - however there are alternatives. If you don't have the means or money to go to psychiatrist / professional counsellor, then maybe you and your friend could try some of the telephone help lines Morbo suggested.
Posted by ana kata (Member # 5666) on :
I don't believe in betraying her. She told you because she trusts you. Think about it. Being able to trust someone enough to tell them is a great blessing. If you have to face it alone it's made much harder. But you only can tell people you trust completely. I believe your instinct not to betray her is correct.
The best thing to do is just to care about her and love her and be willing to spend time with her even though she is probably quite mopey and not much fun. Good luck! Keep us posted!
Posted by Desu (Member # 5941) on :
I don't know if it's trust or just her personality.
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
now is not the time to ask that question. now is the time to get her to seek out some help for herself.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
If she is contemplating or mentioning suicide, getting her to get help is not a betrayal. It is the best thing you can possibly do.
That's against my personality and my personality is why she trusts me.
Posted by Desu (Member # 5941) on :
Then again i'm not sure that she does.
Ok, depending on how she's feeling tomorrow, i'll tell her to get help or not.
Posted by Desu (Member # 5941) on :
It's over, and so are we. I cared, I worried, I tried to help. Six days I have wasted dwelling upon this girl... No she has not committed suicide. My worst fears were today confirmed;I found that to her I mean nothing, nothing more than a passing fancy, a temporary interest. It was her personality and not mine that drew us together. How did I reply when I learned I was interesting? I became interested and have gone down like a sucker.
For those of you who may worry about me, don't. I rather this then the unsettling uncertainty that has plagued me for this past week. I know where we stand, I know how to act.
The end of an emotional roller coaster; short thrills and temporary sickness.
Try honesty? Why don't you try thinking? People feel, some more keenly than others.
"Wouldn't piss on fire to put you out" - Guess
[ November 20, 2003, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: Desu ]
Posted by Ayelar (Member # 183) on :
Ah, Desu.... I've been there. There's nothing quite like the pain of discovering that someone you care about was just using you.
You're lucky, really, to have learned the truth so quickly. Some are trapped for months, years, or even lifetimes in these negative, one-way friendships. And I congratulate you on passing one of life's great hurdles, and coming this much closer to wisdom and maturity.
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
shit, between tonight's concert and this weekend's trip, i probably won't get to talk to you til monday
email me if you like.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
((((((((((((((((((Desu))))))))))))))))))) I am so so so so sorry to hear that, Desu!!! It'll be ok, I promise!
Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
((((((Desu)))))) The best thing you can do is listen, and encourage her to get help if she needs it.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Bummer. Sorry.
Posted by Desu (Member # 5941) on :
Don't be sorry, I’m not, sad may be more accurate. Things happen and people learn, all I have gotten out of this is try harder next time. Damn I sound like my P.E. teacher. Who knows how life may go, at least now I understand myself better.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
((Desu and friend & family))
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
I've been there. There's nothing quite like the pain of discovering that someone you care about was just using you.![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
It'll be ok, I promise!