I emerge from my self-imposed hermitage of the past 48 hours during which I wrote an exhaustive analysis of a Baudelaire poem, studied the art of a lot of dead Dutch guys, and, by 2:00 in the morning, came up with the following little gem for my grammar and compositioin course. Frightening, isn't it, what you can acheive with an REM deficiency?
Quand j’entre dans ma cuisine, je peux sentir les odeurs nouveaux-nés du répas qui n’est pas déjà cuit. Les légumes fraîches me chantent, et je les chatouille pendant que je les lave.
Si la cuisine est une jungle, je m’y connaîs en sa loi. Je suis chasseuse des tigres de beurre, et quand je les attrape, je les mets dans une cage de fer et je les amène chez moi avant le soleil se couche dans son oreiller de feu. Les tigres sont féroces, et les tigres sont rusés. Quand je leur parle du four, ils essayent d’eviter d’en parle, et ils me flattent avec des mots beaux et des blagues. Mais, je m’y prends bien, et avant qu’ils peuvent me distraire, je coupe ses têtes, et je les utilise pour graisser ma poêle des crèpes.
Le répas n’est toujours si violent. Quelquefois, je vais dans le jardin sucré (Ça c’est quelque chose très differente du jardin secret. Je pense qu’il existe un jardin sucré secret, mais je n’y suis jamais allée.) et je cueille les plantes comme les roses de miel, les narcisses de fromage doux qui sont habillés en petites robes jaunes, les muguets de menthe, et les œillets de fondant qui portent des chapeaux roses et des perles de sucre autour de leurs cous. Quand on va dans le jardin sucré, on doit amener un panier assez grand pour queleus choux doux et deux ou trois concombres de chewing-gum. (Peut-être votre mère n’aime pas les concombres de chewing-gum, mais si vous en avez plusieurs, il ne faut pas que vous le lui disiez.)
Peut-être voulez-vous apprendre les secrets avec qui je fait la cuisine pour la Reine d’Angleterre. Elle aime beaucoup les choses très ennuyeuses comme les saucissons avec pommes et le poisson avec pommes de terre et l’autruche avec pommes de pin (vous connaîsez les anglais, non?) mais elle aime aussi les plats fraîches dans l’été, y compris les verdures!
Les verdures sont importants quand on fait la cuisine parce qu’ils sont une partie de l’arc-en-ciel, même que les rouges et les bleus et les jaunes! Le couleur d’un plat c’est probablement la chose la plus importante de savoir faire. Ne vous en faites pas si vous n’avez pas tout les couleurs dans votre cuisine, on peut se debrouiller avec deux ou trois bon coulers si on a des bonnes verdures. Le plat préféré par la Reine d’Angleterre c’est la salade des épinards.
Les épinards sont dégoûtants, bien sûr, mais seulement si on oublie de les chatouiller pendant qu’on les lave. Quand les épinards rient, toutes les choses dégoûtants partent. Les escargots, les verres, et spécifiquement les mouches martiennes s’en veulent à quelqu’un qui les chatouille, et puis ils s’envolent.
Mais, pour faire la salade des épinards bien chatouillés, on a besoin des amandes rôtis, des canneberges seches, et d’un bon vinaigrette trop aigre. Agitez les ingrédiants et faites une promenade autour de la cuisine sept fois. Tournez quleques culbutes, et, quand vous êtes assez fatigués, mettez la salade sur une assiette orange et mangez-la avec une fourchette trop grande pour votre bouche.
Ça, mes amis, c’est le secret de faire la cuisine, et aussi le secret de rester jeune et heureux.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
*grin* I loved this bit:
"Je suis chasseuse des tigres de beurre, et quand je les attrape, je les mets dans une cage de fer..."
(As a side note, you HAVE to run Babelfish on this one. The translation is LAUGHABLY bad. *grin*)
[ September 17, 2003, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Les escargots, les verres, et spécifiquement les mouches martiennes s?en veulent à quelqu?un qui les chatouille, et puis ils s?envolent.
*Goes to tickle some food*
That was an awesome essay, Annie. I encourage you to write more French when you are sleep-deprived. I'll never think of butter the same way again.
*btw, I'm supposed to be lurking, darnit*
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
LOL, Annie. That's MUCH better than what I come up with in french whem I'm sleep-deprived....
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
*sighs*
I have never succeeded in french. I don't speak it, I don't think it, and I don't read it (well). I am in the extended french class at school... (what am I thinking?)
Whem I am sleep-deprived, I'm lucky if my words (if I come up with any) get on the page at all.
Very entertaining is your composition. Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
quote: Perhaps want you to learn the secrecies with which I makes the kitchen for the Queen of England. It likes much the very tedious things like sausages with apples and fish with potatoes and the ostrich with pine cones (you connaîsez English, not?) but she likes also the dishes fresh in the summer, including the greenery
"Ostrich with Pine Cones"???? Goodness me. Also, what are chewing-gum cucumbers?
Weird.
It is a very silly place, this hatrack. Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
yes, I know translation sites suck. But I don't know french, so I wanted to get a feel for the context. This is what I got:
quote: When j’entre in my cooking, I can feel the newborn odors of the répas that n’est does not already cook. The fresh vegetables sing me, and I tickle them while I wash them.
If the cooking is a jungle, I m’y know in his law. I am chasseuse of the butter tigers, and when I catch them, I put them in an iron cage and I bring them at my place before the sun goes to bed in his fire pillow. The tigers are ferocious, and the tigers are crafty. When I talk about them the oven, they try d’eviter d’en speaks, and they flatter me with beautiful words and of the joke. But, I m’y takes well, and before qu’ils can distract me, I cut its heads, and I use them to grease my frying pan of the crèpes.
The répas n’est always if violate. Sometimes, I go in the sweetened garden (that c’est something very differente of the secret garden. I think qu’il exists a secret sweetened garden, but I n’y never went.) and I gather the plants as the honey roses, the cheese narcisses soft that are dressed in small yellow dresses, the muguets of menthe, and the œillets of being founded that carry pink hats and of the appear sugar around their necks. When one goes in the sweetened garden, one must bring a basket rather big for queleus cabbages soft and two or three chewing-gum cucumbers. (Maybe your mother n’aime not the chewing-gum cucumbers, but if you some have several, it does not be necessary you to say it for him.)
Maybe do you want to learn the secrets with that I cooks for the Queen d’Angleterre. She likes a lot the very boring things as the saucissons with apples and the fish with potatoes and l’autruche with pine cones (you connaîsez the English, no?) but she likes also the fresh dishes in l’été, including the greeneries!
The important greeneries when one cooked because qu’ils are a part of l’arc-en-ciel, even that the red ones and the blue ones and the yellow ones! The color d’un flat c’est probably the thing more important of knowledges to do. Not some done you if you n’avez not all the colors in your cooking, one can itself debrouiller with two or three vouchers flow if one has good greeneries. The dish favorite by the Queen d’Angleterre c’est the salad of the épinards.
The épinards are disgusting, of course, but only if one forgets to tickle them during qu’on washes them. When the épinards laugh, all the things disgusting leave. The snails, the glasses, and specifically wipe them Martian s’en want to quelqu’un that tickles them, and then they s’envolent.
But, to do the salad of the well tickled épinards, one needs the almonds roast, dry canneberges, and good d’un too tart vinaigrette. Shake the ingrédiants and gone for a walk around the cooking seven times. Turn quleques overturn, and, when you enough tired, put the salad on an orange plate and eat it with a too big fork for your mouth.
That, my friends, c’est the secret to cook, and also the secret to remain young and happy.
Posted by T. Analog Kid (Member # 381) on :
Dear God! that was funny...
Posted by Cecily (Member # 5675) on :
Annie!! Those are hilarious! I'm so proud of you! *tear*
I missed you these couple days! I'm glad to see you. Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
I think I like the bastardized franglais even better than the original!
You do miss the plays on words, but then again with gems like "I think qu’il exists a secret sweetened garden, but I n’y never went," who cares?
hee hee hee
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
Les escargots, les verres, et spécifiquement les mouches martiennes s’en veulent à quelqu’un qui les chatouille, et puis ils s’envolent.
I have to know what this means!!
Also, do you really tickle the spinach? I had to explain to Tom that you didn't really promenade around the salad. *smile* It took the both of us trying to remember our french to translate. What fun!
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
quote:Les escargots, les verres, et spécifiquement les mouches martiennes s’en veulent à quelqu’un qui les chatouille, et puis ils s’envolent
Well, see that particular sentence is a bit of an embarrasment. When I wrote "les verres," what I should have written was "les vers." Rather than saying worms, I said drinking glasses.
But, roughly, it says:
Snails, worms (or glasses), and especially martian flies harbor feelings of resentment (best way I can translate the idiom s'en vouloir) agaisnt people who tickle them, so they fly off.
Its real humor lies in the fact that s'en veulent and s'envolent are homophones.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Oh, and Jexx - the ostrich with pine cones is only funny in context. I say that the British eat boring things like sausage with apples, fish with potatoes, and ostrich with pine cones, but it gets progressively stranger in French because what it actually says is, sausage with apples, fish with apples of the earth, and ostrich with apples of the tree.
Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
sarcasticmuppett's translation Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
OK, I'll just translate it all for you:
When I enter my kitchen, I can smell the newborn odors of the meal yet to be cooked. The fresh vegetables sing to me, and I tickle them as I wash them. If cooking is a jungle, I am a master of its law. I am a huntress of butter tigers, and when I catch them, I put them in an iron cage and bring them home before the sun goes to bed on its pillow of fire. The tigers are ferocious, and the tigers are cunning. When I speak of the oven, they try to evade the subject and flatter me with pretty words and jokes. But I know my stuff, and before they can distract me, I cut off their heads and use them to grease my crepe pan. The meal isn't always this violent. Sometimes, I go into the sweet garden **translator's note, this is funny because jardin sucre sounds a lot like jardin secret** (This is something entirely different than the secret garden. I think there actually is a secret sweet garden, but I've never been there.) and I pick plants like honey roses, narcissus of sweet cheese that wear little yellow dresses, mint lilies-of-the-valley, and fondant carnations that wear pink hats and pearls of sugar about their necks. When you go to the sweet garden, you must bring a basket big enough for a few sweet cabbages and some chewing-gum cucumbers. (Perhaps your mother doesn't approve of chewing-gum cucumbers, but if you have a few, you don't have to tell her.) Perhaps you'd like to know the secrets with which I cook for the Queen of England. She really likes boring things like sausages with apples, fish with potatoes and ostrich with pinecones (you know the English, eh?), but she also likes fresh dishes in the summertime, and even greens! Greens are important when you cook because they are a part of the rainbow, just as much as the reds and the blues and the yellows. The color of a dish is probably the most important thing to know how to do. Don't worry if you don't have all the colors in your kitchen, you can get by with 2 or 3 good colors if you've got good greens. The Queen's favorite dish is spinach salad. Spinach is disgusting, of course, but only if you forget to tickle it while you wash it. When spinach laughs, all the gross things leave. Snails, worms, and especially martian flies harbor feelings of resentment towards people who tickle them, so they fly off. But, to make a good salad of well-tickled spinach, you need roasted almonds, dried cranberries, and a good too-tart vinaigrette **funny when you know that "vinager" means "tart wine"**. Shake up the ingredients and walk around your kitchen seven times. Turn a couple somersaults, and when you're rather tired, put the salad on an orange plate and eat it with a fork that is too big for your mouth. That, my friends, is the secret of cooking, and also the secret of staying young and happy.
[ September 17, 2003, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: Annie ]
Posted by littlemissattitude (Member # 4514) on :
Thank you for the translation, Annie. I don't do French, as I dropped my first semester French class a few weeks into the semester. I hated to do it, but I couldn't stand the idea of being in the same room with the professor.
It was fall of 2001, and I was taking it at Fresno City College because it wasn't offered at Fresno Pacific. Two days after 9/11, one of the young women in the class came in a little late, very upset. She had witnessed another student get hit and killed by a train during the lunch hour, a few hours earlier (a train track runs through the campus there). She hadn't come upon she scene later; she had actually seen him get hit.
Well, the professor just laughed at her. He told her that she needed to just get over it, that people die all the time and she should just get used to it. In fact, he said, he wasn't quite sure why everyone was so exercised over the terrorists attacks. He had grown up partly in Beirut, he said, and that sort of thing is going to happen, and it's no big deal. I tried to stay, I really did, but I ended up dropping the class a couple of weeks later.
Sorry for the ramble, but every time I think about that, I just get really, really angry.
Edit for a stray word that shouldn't have been there.
[ September 17, 2003, 11:28 PM: Message edited by: littlemissattitude ]
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Je l'ai trouvé très drôle, Annie.
(J'étais bilingue il y a quelques années, mais d'habitude je ne l'utilise pas. )
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
L'utilise ou le perds, Twinky!
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
Je le perds déjà. C'est dommage.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif)
sarcasticmuppett's translation![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
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)