I’m ranting here because I don’t want to dump my sorrows on my friend Wil. He’s heard too much of my grief and has enough of his own; he doesn’t need any more of mine. So if you don't mind serious threads, give a minute or two to the rantings a ravings of a resident lurker.
I feel like nothing I do is truly original. I always seem to come up with things only to go out and find that they’ve been done before, and that I’m merely some copycat. I feel like my tastes are simply a combination of those of the people who I’ve met. I feel like I want to write fiction because that’s what Wil does, and it’s cool stuff, and I’d like to be like that. But when I write, I can never seem to come up with something original. I’ve only been able to write fiction really articulately when I write fan fiction. I’m a member of the Civil Air Patrol, the USAF auxiliary, because my friend Terry is and he introduced me to it. I like military stuff, and I think that was of my own accord, but so does a good portion of this country, so I’m not exactly breaking the mold there. I like drawing, but it’s pretty mediocre drawing, and for topics/settings I have the same ‘fan fiction’ problem. I’m the same way with music. I’m simply not a very good piano player, regardless of how much I like to play. So I’m just like every other mediocre musician out there.
So what I ask is: Is it me? Am I just a copy of every other 17 year old loser in the country? Or is it society, one which is so populated with ideas that originality is no longer possible? Or am I just making excuses?
Next.
I feel like an ungrateful, self centered, conceited little bastard. I can never seem to think of the needs of other people. Now, as I am writing this, it occurs to me that it could be that I’m conditioned into thinking this by months of my mom seing something that she told me to do that hadn’t gotten done, somehow, and stating her beliefs as such. But again, I feel like I’m making excuses. Shiftin the blame. And now I can’t seem to convince myself otherwise. I can see myself doing things that are inconsiderate of other people, and thinking about how I feel, and how things affect me, more often than I ever think of anyone else. Thinking to myself, this could be a problem of not seeing the forest for the trees. I get caught up on the things I do that are self centered, and miss the other things. But maybe I’m making excuses again. I feel, also that I’m ingrateful. I have a family that loves me, I now have good friends (an improvement from before, when I did actually have no friends), I go to a good school, I have no major medical problems, I don’t have money problems, and I live in one of the richest nations in the world. And I do my best to appreciate all I have. Somehow, though, I feel like a snob. Like I just take what life gives me and give nothing in return. And it makes me feel guilty. And angry at myself. I hate it. But there you go; I’m feeling sorry for myself again. Do I even deserve sympathy? Something inside me says no. But that’s why I’m posting this, isn’t it?
Next.
While I’m all up on the self hatred, I may as well mention that I’m also something of a procrastinator. Especially when the task involves self-explanation of some sort. I just completed the essay portion of a Navy ROTC application- this, however, has taken me since the end of the school year to complete. Not only has this been an exercise in frustration because I feel guilty for being self-serving in these essays, but also because I find myself avoiding it with or without consciously trying. Add this to pressure from my parents to get it done quickly so I can have my first choice in schools, and the result has been me vehemently hating every step of the god dammed way.
And now it comes time for a conclusion. ‘Course, now that it’s time to do so, I don’t really know how to tie this all together. It’s really just a collection of thoughts and things I see in myself, and, again, Wil doesn’t deserve to be stuck with my S*** again. So I’ll let you all deal with it.
Posted by The Voice of Reason (Member # 5348) on :
You're 17, darlin'. It's perfectly natural to feel this way. Things will get better. Unfortunately, the worst thing about being a teenager is that the only way to STOP being a teenager is to wait... Hope you feel better soon.
(((Polemarch)))
Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
I feel like that a lot.
...and, uh, I'm not really sure what to say.
(((polemarch)))
Posted by tonguetied&twisted (Member # 5159) on :
(((((Polemarch))))) (((((Zotto!)))))
I'm sorry you guys feel so bad. I hated being a teenager, and I don't think anyone around me liked it that much either! But I have to agree with the Voice, it really IS a waiting game.
Posted by Cavalier (Member # 3918) on :
Lemme give you some 17 to 17 year old advice
As for writing, music, hobbies etc, I'd just try to take it to the next level. I'm a bit of a writer myself and taking a class for it did wonders for me. Got me out of the stupid fanfic/crummy short story rut I was in and got me writing some stuff I could actually take some pride in. Drawing...well...that's just lots of practice. A lot of my artsy-er friends just sit around drawing things. They'll go to a friggin pool party with their sketch book and gripe about it getting wet (I have nothing to do with it, I swear...). The military...lots of people like the military. Even if you're a pacifist you can appreciate the technology at work.
There's nothing wrong with having the interests of other people. It's just finding your niche is all. I mean really, there are only so many general topics you can be interested in. If you see someone else doing a thing that catches your fancy, give it a whirl and if you like it, try to improve it. If you can't improve it...well that's okay. You like the activity and it gives you pleasure and what else would you be doing anyway?
quote: I feel, also that I’m ingrateful. I have a family that loves me, I now have good friends (an improvement from before, when I did actually have no friends), I go to a good school, I have no major medical problems, I don’t have money problems, and I live in one of the richest nations in the world. And I do my best to appreciate all I have. Somehow, though, I feel like a snob. Like I just take what life gives me and give nothing in return. And it makes me feel guilty. And angry at myself. I hate it. But there you go; I’m feeling sorry for myself again. Do I even deserve sympathy? Something inside me says no. But that’s why I’m posting this, isn’t it?
If you're cognizant of half these things then you're already two steps ahead of 75% of the teenagers in this country. I'm disgusted by how some of my friends behave, considering they're really some of the most priveleged people in the world. I thank the powers that be everyday for putting me where I am and trying to make something out of my opportunity. I think it's my duty. Like I said, if you're even aware of these things, you couldn't possibly be much of a snob, there's no reason to think that.
Your essays. To start off, procrastinating is okay during the summer. It's called vacation for a reason. You've already done 9 months of intense work. It's your God-given right to hate every minute of doing (seemingly) unnecesary work. As for the ROTC app, well I've got a West Point App together and I absolutely hated writing the essays. And I've come to the conclusion that this is a good thing. Since the essays focus on you selling yourself as a cadet/soldier/whatever, it's probably great that's it hard. If writing an essay like that is hard, it means you're not snobbish, egotistical, or absorbed with love for yourself.
Hating the college process is okay. It sucks. it's long, complicated,a dn every essay is just a bit different from each other.
I'm sorry if I'm coming off as high-handed or anything. I'm just trying to help. Everyone gets down everyonce in a while and that's an okay thing. It makes you appreciate the highs more. I'd say the most important thing is to just go with the flow though. Try not to get to worked up over stuff because the sun is coming up tomorrow either way and you'll be fine.
Hope that helps. I sympathize.
Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
Thanks for the support, tt&t and Cavalier! Posted by tonguetied&twisted (Member # 5159) on :
You're welcome! Posted by Cavalier (Member # 3918) on :
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But I have to agree with the Voice, it really IS a waiting game.
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(I have nothing to do with it, I swear...). The military...lots of people like the military. Even if you're a pacifist you can appreciate the technology at work.![[Wink]](wink.gif)