Hatrack River Forum: Please rate my new song

This is topic Please rate my new song in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.

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Posted by Lyndsie (Member # 5369) on :

Peeky's back!
Please rate my new song I wrote last night on a scale of 1-10 because I feel this is some of my best work and I want YOUR opinion.

I Just Want to Hear It From You

You shouldn't hold me the way that you do
And expect me not to fall in love like I do
You get so close that I get lost in your eyes
And I lose track of my world, I lose track of time

Are you really in love?
Do your eyes tell the truth?
They all don't have to know
I just want to hear it from you
And do your arms ever lie because
I feel it don't get better than this
When you're holding me tight
I just want to hear it from you

Your love is vacant and I want to stay
Because your lips remind me of better days
How can you not feel the love in the air
Sometimes it seems like you don't even care

Are you really in love?
Do your eyes tell the truth?
They all don't have to know
I just want to hear it from you
And do your arms ever lie because
I feel it don't get better than this
When you're holding me tight
I just want to hear it from you

I get a feeling when your hands hold mine
I get tears in my eyes and butterflies in my mind
To be the center of your attention
Makes me feel so alive

So why reject it like you do
To fall in love with me like I am with you
I know you must feel something there
But you just can't ignore the distant stares

Are you really in love?
Do your eyes tell the truth?
They all don't have to know
I just want to hear it from you
And do your arms ever lie because
I feel it don't get better than this
When you're holding me tight
I just want to hear it from you

I just want to hear it from you

Posted by Diosmel Duda (Member # 2180) on :

It's beautiful. I wish I could hear the music.

Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :

It's a good love song.

My taste in love songs, however, is bizarre to say the least (probably because my favourite bands don't write love songs). I once wrote a song for a girl I loved and it contained the phrase "I'm afraid of you / and I'm afraid for you." So I'd be willing to bet that your song wouldn't be my cup of tea.

That isn't a criticism, though.

Posted by Lyndsie (Member # 5369) on :

thanks, and i know what you mean. it was hard not to throw something twisted in there. lol.
(my idol is courtney love,and my lyrics normally sound like hers so you know how hard it was to write a song like this?!?!)

Thanks!

Dude [Cool]

Peekaboo

Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :

I'm not sure I could to a genuine love song no matter how hard I tried. Well done! [Smile]

Edit: And welcome back, peek. [Cool]

[ July 04, 2003, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: twinky ]

Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :

If you're a pro, maybe 6 or 7, album material, maybe a single
If you haven't made it (yet) 8+.
With a little polish, could go to 9.

You shouldn't hold me the way that you do
And expect me not to fall in love like I do
You get so close that I get lost in your eyes
And I lose track of my world, I lose track of time
I love this, it flows so smoothly off the toungue, has simple yet effective and emotional language as well as cool love imagery.
*jealous* I wish I could write music!
If you tweak or replace the 4th line, it could be near-perfect.

Beautiful lines:
Do your eyes tell the truth?

And do your arms ever lie

Your love is vacant and I want to stay
Because your lips remind me of better days
Killer couplet!

I get a feeling when your hands hold mine
I get tears in my eyes and butterflies in my mind
*pitches jealous hissy fit because of way cool lines*
Great emotive power mixed with whimsical imagery!I love it!

They all don't have to know
I just want to hear it from you
Sums up complex emotions from 2 people in 2 terse verses--very few can do that

You've a rare gift, Lyndsie
Morbo [Smile]

[ July 04, 2003, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Morbo ]

Posted by Lyndsie (Member # 5369) on :

[Smile]

thanks you guys. Most of my friends think i'm plagerizing (sp?) because im only 14 but hey at least i know i did it.

Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :

Sweeet lhamas of the Bahamas!
You'll go far kid .

I have gypsy blood, so believe me. [Roll Eyes]

[ July 04, 2003, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: Morbo ]

Posted by Speed (Member # 5162) on :

It's not a bad love poem. As far as a song...I'd like to hear it. I've heard some really brilliant songs with really stupid words that don't matter because the music is so good (Led Zeppelin comes to mind). I've also heard songs with amazing lyrics but whose music is so boring that I never listen to them (I may be crossing some people here, but...Bob Dylan). Sure, there are cases where songs have brilliant music and lyrics, and there are cases where lyrics are so bad that they ruin the music ("Virtuality" by Rush is a great example of this), but when I'm rating a song, I usually pay more attention to the music. Anyway, if you want to set up a tape player while you're singing/ playing the song and post the .mp3 file, I'd love to give you some feedback. Meantime, all I can say: I've heard a lot of love songs, and these lyrics aren't bad...they certainly have the potential of being used in a great song. Hope I get to hear it. Good luck. [Smile]

Posted by Lyndsie (Member # 5369) on :

i wonder where my sister is, normally she's first to rate my stuff... [Frown]

Posted by :Locke (Member # 2255) on :

Welcome to the 14 crowd. We...uh...don't do much.

EDIT to add:

I liked the song, and that's saying something, because love songs usually seem kind of dull and contrived to me. Good work!

[ July 04, 2003, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: :Locke ]

Posted by Lyndsie (Member # 5369) on :

:locke

im not new at all, i just disappeared. i am peekaboo, i just lost my password. and im also jeni's little sister. i have been posting under different peeky names forever. but thanks!

Posted by Zevlag (Member # 1405) on :

PEEK! Welcome back! [Cool]

Posted by Jeni (Member # 1454) on :

quote:
i wonder where my sister is, normally she's first to rate my stuff...

Gee, let me think... maybe on a plane?
[Razz]

Nice song, Lyndsie. You'll have to sing it for me when you get home.

Dude [Cool]

Jeni

Posted by Lyndsie (Member # 5369) on :

bump

Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :

Very nice!

It made me want to eat cheese! Gouda Cheese! And that is a good thing. I am in love again! With Gouda Cheese!

Posted by JaneX (Member # 2026) on :

Welcome back, Peeky. Great song. [Smile]

~Jane~

Posted by sweet_sheepy (Member # 5136) on :

Really beautiful, Peeky. [Smile]

But what did you mean by "Your love is vacant"?

Posted by Lyndsie (Member # 5369) on :

By your love is vacant, I meant that he seems not to be in love with anyone at the moment, or his heart isn't being used, so in more poetic words, his love is vacant.

Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :

Wow, great song! Aiyeee, I can't believe I missed this when it was first up!

I WANNA HEAR IT! [Mad]

Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :

The lyrics are simply beautiful and if someone can't relate to any of your lyrics, then as OSC says, "You might as well turn in your Human Race Card."

Sorry about the Gouda Cheese thing. I just really like the red wax and the orange cheese and the the um... oh never mind!

The Peeky backup singers!:

[The Wave]

Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :

I neglected to mention, my favorite line was the butterflies in the mind line.

I thought that was clever and very artistic!

[Wink]