This is topic Someone PLEASE Make Me Laugh. in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


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Posted by kwsni (Member # 1831) on :
 
This has been the day from hell.
I lost my summer job and I figured out that I'm failing most of my classes. None of my friends go to this school, and my family's on vacation.

Hatrack, make me laugh.

Ni!
 
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
 
(((((((((kwsni)))))))))

**sees opening while hugging and tickles kwsni**

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
 
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide
grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of no where. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take
whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!
 
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
 
The other day I was so wasted I drove into a ditch.

Now, that doesn't sound that bad, but I didn't just drive into it.

I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into it.

That was a bad morning.

[Wink]
 
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
 
"Roman Polanski won the best director Oscar for his film 'the Pianist' although he couldn't come to the Unites States to pick up the statue. Apparently Polanski said, 'Picking up something that small is what got me into trouble in the first place.'"

"DC Comics announced that in their next issue, 'Wonder Woman' will cut off her long hair and go for a more punk look. She will then team up with Supergirl, but not to fight crime."

"Producers of "The Bachelor" say the next bachelor is a "wine freak" who lives with a roommate. When asked what qualities his ideal woman would have, he said, 'A penis.'"

Those were some of my favorite Conan jokes. Hang in there [Wink]
 
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
 
These two cavemen were sitting out in the bush discussing their new inventions. It was a bit of a bragging contest, but as how football hadn't been invented yet, it served to pass the time.

So the first guy lifts a round disk above his head, shakes it about and then throws it spinning down the side of the mountain, roaring "I invented a wheel!"

The second caveman just sits there watching, all debonair in his crushed velvet hat, suede vest, low-rider jeans, and snakeskin boots. He leans back and drawls ....

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"So what? I invented attire."
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
 
<<<<kwsni>>>>>

(*very tight squeeze and lots o' love & hope)
 
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
Did you realize in the 1870's you couldn't hang a man with a wooden leg in Montana?

You had to use a rope--same as always.

For true laughs, I suggest talk to God, or Bob . They may be the same.
 
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
 
The World According to Student Bloopers never fails to reduce me to tears. [Big Grin]

--xnera
 
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
 
I told you it was easier to rob people this way.
 
Posted by Feyd Baron (Member # 1407) on :
 
Yeah, this has to make you laugh (from the Student Bloopers:

quote:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses...
Poor students

Fey
 
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
 
It can't be this student genius:

quote:
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.


[ April 04, 2003, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: Beren One Hand ]
 
Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :
 
More Richard Lederer goodness: Minstranslations. My favorite:

quote:

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
--xnera
 
Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
 
quote:
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
LOL, Arch-duck!
 
Posted by FlyingCow (Member # 2150) on :
 
You want a good laugh, try here. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
 
::hugs::

Life sucks
Nothing matters
Screw it all
Let's party
 
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
 
Did you hear they are closing all the Wal-Marts and K-Marts in Baghdad?

They're turning them all into Targets.
 
Posted by Pod (Member # 941) on :
 
so my syntax prof last quarter had in one of his hand outs a section headed with

Honest-to-Goodness Headlines

If these don't make you laugh you're clinically dead.
 
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
 
I have a bunch too... More Real Headlines:



[ April 04, 2003, 08:34 PM: Message edited by: MyrddinFyre ]
 
Posted by porcelain girl (Member # 1080) on :
 
xnera, that was awesome. you saved my pathetic evening.
 
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
One muffin says to another muffin... "Hey Jerry, I'm getting a little worried. Seems to me it's getting awful hot in here."
The other muffin says, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
 
Posted by karnivore (Member # 4788) on :
 
Well if you didn't already see the cat movie I made I suggest you do. Some people thought it was funny, some thought it was bizare, but I don't mind. http://karnivore47.tripod.com/ then find "THE CAT MOVIE I MADE" link. Sorry if this doesn't amuse you.
 
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?

Milk and Quackers.

How do you stop a charging bull elephant?

Take away his credit card.

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

Dam!
 
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
RE: Kids bloopers. After reading them I noticed,
quote:
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
all I can add to that is, OUCH!
 
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
 
Karn- that made me laugh. That was great.

Here's something else hilarious-
well, just click and find out.
 
Posted by Vána (Member # 3262) on :
 
Love the singing horses, Annie!
 
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
 
After hours of experimentation, I believe this equestrian quartet sounds best like this:

Cue horse #2
*** wait 4 seconds ***
Cue horse #1
*** wait 5 seconds ***
Cue horse #3
*** wait 6 seconds ***
Cue horse #4

Then leave it on the entire night to drive your roomies crazy. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
 
What do you call a fish with no eyes?













: FSSSSSSSSSHHHH
 
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
We went to a reptile show at a nature museum last week and my first grader was actually fairly adept at answering a lot of the questions. On the way home I commented on how I was glad how smart my child is. The child says "yeah, I'm an answering MACHINE!"
 
Posted by kwsni (Member # 1831) on :
 
::hugs everyone::

Thanks a lot, guys. I think I'm over hte summer job thing now, all I have to do is figure out what to do about classes.

Myr made me squeak!

Ni!
 
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
 
Im not a funny guy. [Wink]

((((Ni!))))
 
Posted by Pixie (Member # 4043) on :
 
I don't know if this will make you laugh but I hope you enjoy it anyway:

My friends and I were working on a short film about the First Crusade when they started joking about how we should be the "crusaders who say ni" and I immediately thought of you. [Smile] ::hugs::

Hope it all turns out for the best!
 
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
 
I don't know if these are real or not, but they're funny!

THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND PRINTED IN "FORTUNE" MAGAZINE

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I've never
quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS OR O.E.R.s
(OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS)

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
9. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
10. Fell out of the family tree.
11. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
12. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
13. He's so dense, light bends around him.
14. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
15. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
16. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
17. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
18. One neuron short of a synapse.
19. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge -- he only gargled.
20. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
 
Posted by MaureenJanay (Member # 2935) on :
 
One day, three friends named Bob, Jim, and Doo-dah got their gear and went fishing. They sat out on the boat all day long but they didn't get a single bite.

Suddenly, Doo-dah jumped up and said, "Jim, what time is it?"

Jim checked his watch and said, "It's almost four-thirty."

"Oh no!" said Doo-dah. "I told my wife I'd go to the bank before I came home, and it closes at five. Hurrry up and row me back. I gotta hurry."

"No way!" said Jim. "We haven't even caught anything yet! We're not rowing back until I catch a fish."

They argued about it for ten minutes, while Bob sat there in silence. (He had a stuttering problem and didn't like to talk much.) Finally, Doo-dah gave up and said, "Fine, if you won't take me, I'll just swim back," and he jumped in the river and started to swim. Unfortunately he had underestimated the distance, and halfway back he stopped swimming and sunk. Jim and Bob rowed back as fast as they could, but it was clear that Doo-dah had drowned.

Now they had the problem of who was going to tell Doo-dah's wife.

"I don't want to tell her," said Jim. "You do it."

"I-I-I...c-c-c-can't..., J-jim..." Bob tried to explain that his stuttering just got worse when he was nervous, but he couldn't get the words out.

"Fine," said Jim. "We'll flip a coin. Call it in the air." He tossed the coin.

"T-t-tails."

It was heads. Jim showed him the coin, and Bob's heart sank. They rowed the boat to shore and drove to Doo-dah's house. The whole time, Bob was getting more and more nervous, and he didn't know what he was going to do.

The arrived at Doo-dah's, and Bob walked to the front door. He was almost crying from his worry. He rang the doorbell, and Doo-dah's wife answered.

"Hi there, Bob, what's up?" she said.

"M-m-miss-miss...missus D-doo..."

"Whoa, Bob, what's the matter? Calm down! What is it you're trying to say?"

"I-I-I-I'm s-sorry...I-I-I c-can't..." Bob was getting very frustrated trying to talk.

"Bob, wait. I can see you're nervous. Have you ever heard of Mel Tillis?"

"Y-yes," said Bob.

"Well, he's a famous singer, but he stutters horribly when he's speaking. But somehow, whenever he sings, it's perfect. Can you tell me whatever it is you want to say by singing it?"

Bob cleared his throat and took a deep breath. Then he sang:

"We went fishin' and guess who drowned, Doo-dah, Doo-dah..."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This is funnier when you hear the "Camptown Races" tune while it's being told. Sorry, but it's my favorite joke. [Smile]

[ September 27, 2003, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: MaureenJanay ]
 
Posted by Cliff Hanger (Member # 5733) on :
 
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
 
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
 
booooooger.
 
Posted by Jexxster (Member # 5293) on :
 
Nothing like some good old billboards we's like to see from dribbleglass.com to make me laugh. The first time I found these I honestly laughed so hard I was crying.

And, of course, engrish is always good as well.
 


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