God used to perform a high-wire act, but when the announcer called it "death defying" everyone booed.

God likes Chinese food a lot, but he's always outside the delivery zone.

Slow service doesn't bother God, but when the waiter says "sorry about the wait," He always looks at him and says "you have no idea."

God hates bumper stickers that say "God is my co-pilot." But the markup on them is so high that he just can't stop selling them.

God improved the entrance process into heaven and he asks that everyone henceforth arrive with their own #2 pencil.

God was once asked if he prefered dogs or cats. He replied that both were really fine for carrying fleas.

God never golfs, despite what you've heard.

When Jesus was young, God used to tell him about himself.

When God winds his watch, a tornado is born.

God is really into comfort food.

God invented asphalt to tempt us. Asphalt is made from 99% pure good intentions.

When God's work here is done, he plans to create a Universe where everything is placed on the surface of giant ball of string. Then he'll dictate a book of Scripture called Unravellation, just 'cuz he thinks that'd be a good pun.

God hangs out with dead people almost all the time.

God thinks the whole idea of organized religion should be replaced with a program to improve the quality of lighting in offices.

God had his hair cut once, but the shop owner used it to make a killing in the reliquary market.

God opened a deli, but he grossed everyone out by making the meat talk.

Good stuff, Bob...
 

<point>
 

God gets bored with novels because he already knows how they end.

Every once in awhile, for no particular reason, God sends himself fan mail and in response, sends himself an autographed picture with a nice thank you.

God's favorite color is that flashy kind of orangey-purple you get when you rub your eyes.

God makes prank telephone calls to Hell when things get slow upstairs.

God has a huge collection of refrigerator magnets and wind up toys.

God has never been to Macchu Picchu, but he's planning a trip as soon as the exchange rate is more favorable.

God has two identical snowflakes he keeps in a case by his bed.

God dislikes shag carpetting, especially in "sea foam green".

Nobody in Heaven will play "Marco Polo" with God anymore because he keeps peeking when it's his turn to find people. The last time someone complained He took ALL the water and went home.

Of all man's inventions, God is most impressed with Tupperware. Bubble wrap is a close second.

In his spare time, God plays Pong and Space Invaders on a TRS-80 Model 1.

For reasons no-one has been able to fathom, God laughs uproariously at the story of Jack in the Beanstalk. He likes particularly to do the "fee fie foe fum" part.

When formica was all the rage a few years ago, God gave serious thought to redoing the Rockie Mountains in Avocado and Orange veneers.

His closest advisors successfully hid the existence of particle board from God for over a decade. He thanked them for it later.

When God needs to get away from it all, he can't.

God gets a kick out of crop circles.

God likes lemon-flavored SMINTs, but they are hard to find outside of the UK, so he doesn't get them as often as he'd like.

God sometimes spends the weekend in the storage area above the garage in a tract house in Central Florida. The owners thought the place was haunted and hired an exorcist, so God made their roof leak. Now they leave him be.

God is thinking of starting a weight loss clinic where clients will eat nothing but manna.

God always hated chariots after one particularly unfortunate ride behind an incontinent horse.

God thinks time lapse photography is really cool.

God has never really liked marble busts. He thinks they look kind of creepy ending in a stunted torso and all.

God gets really angry when he has to get his news from CNN.

God has a hard time thinking of good passwords when he joins a new website.

God really liked pointilism and wonders why so few artists do it anymore.

God likes a good ergonomic chair design, but wonders why the cost is so high.

God thinks user's manuals are a joke.

God pulls his own weight.

God tried one of those menu-driven phone answering systems, but everyone kept pushing 0 to speak with an operator directly.

God serves hummus and pita bread to guests for a light afternoon snack.

God hopes to be honored with his own Pez disenser someday.

God has been whitewater rafting in upstate New York and recommends that everyone wear a pair of old tennis shoes for protection.

God thinks most people drive beyond their skill level.

God gives tonsured monks bottles of Rogaine as gag gifts.

God thinks the whole idea of sex experts is a scream.

God likes booth trinkets from trade shows. He's got literally millions of logo pens, stress toys, and laminated business cards/luggage tags.

God rarely completes and sends in a Warranty Registration card.

God wonders if he should stop forwarding e-mail chain letters that say "send this to all your friends."

God likes it when people forward the original e-mail instead of the entire sequence of forwardings of previously forwardings of the original message.

God doesn't get those "How many ________ does it take to change a lightbulb?" jokes.

God wonders if there's such a thing as an "insignificant other."

God prefers bicycles with a big banana seat.

God advises us to change our windshield wipers once a season.

God does not particularly care for yodeling.

[This message has been edited by Bob_Scopatz (edited December 01, 2001).]
 

God recommends one coat of primer and one-to-two coats of paint on all interior painted surfaces.

God thinks that calling things "cliche" has become cliche.

God knows who will get the last post.

God likes to skip stones on occassion.

God thinks that he shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree.

God built a Jabberwock but it was soon eaten by a slithy tove.

God is thinking of having his favorite chair reuppolstered.

God misses having to adjust the horizontal and vertical hold on TV sets.

God does an amazing imitation of modem connect noises.

God applauds the use of reverse-threaded screws in specific applications.

God wishes that in addition to "Dolphin-safe" fishing techniques, that there were also "Tuna-safe" ones.

God tells this really funny story, the punchline of which is: "It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan!"

God enjoys a good play on words as much as anyone, but that "dog...god" thing has just gotten to be annoying. And he like us all to stop writing "dessert" when we mean "desert."

God usually travels light, prefering to pick up whatever he needs locally.

God has a huge collection of recorded whale noises. He can't figure them out either.

God is really into "World Beat" music.

God likes to see bike paths going into neighborhoods.

God asks us to remember to always wear safety goggles when operating power tools.

God also reminds us to keep hands and arms inside the ride at all times.

 

God dislikes being on the 2nd page of threads.

God wonders why no-one else has posted insights into His nature here.

God is looking to smite someone today.

God reminds us all to wear clean underwear in public, just in case of accident.

God worries that no-one seems too concerned with the plight of the Snail Darter these days.

God thinks power tools are marvelous fun.

LOL! That one has to be the funniest.

 

God hates QVC.

God loves watching old Looney Tunes episodes cause they make him feel good.

God is sure he had a reason for making the sky blue, but can never seem to remember it.

God enjoys cooking his own meals from scratch, even though he can just conjure them up, and doesn't even need to eat for that matter.

God is pleased that Bob has so many nice things to say about him.

God LOVES madlibs.

-Thus spake the feathered prophet.
 

God uses ostrich eggs to store things in...like baby ostriches for example.

God would like to point out that ostrich meat is nearly cholesterol-free.

God just got Bonduca's haggis joke from that other thread and thinks it was really funny.

God thinks that all languages are made up.

God isn't really THAT fond of beetles, despite what you've heard.

God's nowhere near as good at fooseball as he thinks he is.

God is constantly fighting with his agent about when he's going to put another book out.

God spends an hour every third Thursday coaxing camels through the eye of a needle.

Almost one quarter of all animals were created to fit words that God made up while playing Scrabble.

God knows it's a myth, but he's still afraid of getting warts if he handles a frog.

God's stories often end with "I guess you had to be there."

God's been seriously thinking about taking some time off to work on his music.

God think that those pictures of Jesus where the eyes seem to follow you are really creepy.

God refuses to replace his Betamax.

You know that itch in the middle of your back? The one you just can't reach? God put that there to make people realize they need each other.

In his head, God thinks of himself as The Grand High Poo-bah.
 

God thinks the phrase "To infinity, and beyond" is hilarious.

God sometimes wonders how to parse 'governmentinaction'.

God can use the hell out of a good non-sequiter.

God is the only being who has ever heard a quadruple-entendre.

God thinks that bumper sticker that says:

quote:

---

No Jesus, No Peace
Know Jesus, Know Peace

---

God asks "if you plant bird seed, do you get birds?"

God is thinking of a new release of dinosaurs on the landscape, just to screw with paleontologists.

God thinks the paranormal isn't.

God put the bop in the bop she bop she bop.

God sometimes wishes everyone could have an open-top 2-seater sports car, just for the fun of it.

God thinks shopping carts with a busted wheel are an abomination.

When God goes shopping, he spends an inordinate amount of time in the cookie aisle.

quote:

---

God worries that people are becoming ostrich-obsessed on this board.
God uses ostrich eggs to store things in...like baby ostriches for example.

God would like to point out that ostrich meat is nearly cholesterol-free.

---

Yes. The new eucharist is the seared flesh of ostrich!

-The feathered prophet

God thinks Jenga is okay, but what a party really needs is Hungry, Hungry Hippoes

God once ate a spider on a dare.

God does not think "Kids are Punny"

God wonders why people need colored Saran wrap.

God can't understand why no one will pull his finger anymore.
 

God wants you to know that he dictated this using a Panasonic tape recorder, Maxell III tape, and was sipping a diet Coke with Lemon at the time.

God gets a chuckle out of the fact that the Devil's thread has, once again, fallen to the 2nd page of threads.

God thinks cholesterol checks are a waste of time for most adult males aged 25-45.

God urges us to brush after every meal.

God is still on the fence regarding floridation of community water supplies.

God wonders why Florida floridates.

God's favorite word today is sybillant.

God thinks its neat that "orange" is both a color and a food, and that the food's color is the same as the name of the food.

God thinks that it is just wrong to call that crayon "flesh" colored when there's not a single person on the planet with that color skin.

God can't remember actually suggesting that people tithe.

God thinks it's a shame that one of the foremost discoverers of spectral analysis is most known for inventing the Bunsen Burner.

God is all about value.

God wishes the cup holders in American trucks could handle a larger sized container.

God is fascinated by the improvements in speaker grill cloth over the past few years.

God never "hones in" on anything.

God reminds us to check for proper tire inflation.

God is thinking of having his name put up in lights.

God thinks paintings on velvet are just tacky, even if Elvis was a wonderful entertainer.

God never meant for bananas to be symbolic of anything.

God thinks that people who put their gum under the countertop at diners are doing a major service to help keep small children amused.

God saw footage of a gum-chewing dog and thought it was hilarious.

God's skis are too long for hot-dogging, so he's shopping for a new pair.

God wonders why bobsleds aren't called tomsleds instead.

 

God likes Dean and Perelandra, and all other underappreciated people.

God fights hard not to display his "holier than thou" attitude.

God is the ultimate compurgator (hint:see word of the day for 12/06/2001).

God really hates swirlies in his car's wax job.

God wouldn't let Jesus borrow his car until he turned 1600.

Even God doesn't know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll Tootsie-Pop. He thinks that some things should remain a mystery.

God can't understand why no one has discovered roemile. I mean, you've been staring right at it for millenia! Come on humanity!

God wishes he could trick or treating, but there's not many costume options for an all-powerful, all-present deity.

God thinks that there is less good than most men think in drinking beer.

God stole that last one.

In God's day, they had to walk 40 million miles each way through a rain of fire to get to school. And they were grateful!

God's going to make his next prophet a kickboxing kangaroo.

After that, he might try a waltzing wallaby.

God thinks that, after a certain point, all these new toothbrush shapes are just marketing gimicks.

God thinks all digits are significant.

Or maybe a kite-flying Koala.

God just finished a book about Australia.

What do you mean God doesn't make junk? God makes everthing.

God's middle initial is A. He doesn't have a last name.

 

God recommends checking the insulation on appliance power cords at least once a year, but more often in extreme environments.

When God was young, he used to create miniature worlds and bounce them around in the house.

One of God's favorite sayings is "Omniscience isn't one of those things you can turn on and off like a faucet, you know."

God thinks anyone who can survive having a college room-mate ought to be able to stop a war before it gets out of hand.

God doesn't like the term "freak of nature."

God hates junk mail as much as anyone. It's not like he NEEDS any of the stuff they're selling anyway.

God thinks cable TV infomercials and televangelism have a lot in common.

God thinks that if the software worked like it was supposed to, He shouldn't even need tech support.

God likes a good, intuitive user interface.

God is frequently surprised by what can be done with a series of ones and zeroes.

God is never fooled by identity thieves.

 

God wonders why people like going to zoos, but not going to prisons.

God thinks maybe this isn't the right thread to raise animal rights concerns.

God once was making a world and got called away before he could give it gravity. You never saw such a mess.

God has an unbelievably long christmas card list.

God thinks people should spend more time playing in the mud.

God wants to remind you to take good care of your waitresses and bartender.

God is a little embarassed that he once sent a fan letter to Annette Funicello, and he's afraid everyone will make fun of him if they find out.

God's been working on this really evil sounding laugh, but he doesn't think he'll ever get a chance to use it.

God tries every new "be a god" computer game that comes out. So far they don't even come close.

God doesn't see why anyone would want to be da bomb.

God really banished Adam and Eve for their lack of fashion sense.

God is glad that most people have forgotten that Jacob beat Him in a wrestling match.

God is continually amused at how the monkish orders mis-spelled "celebrate", but He doesn't have the heart to tell them.

God tries not to get His hopes up when He sees advertisements pertaining to what to get someone who has everything.

God thinks the Creation is over-rated. Making everything was easy. The really tough bit was finding a place to put it.

God sometimes gets a bit jealous that there isn't a Godmas.

Aelysium
Who hopes
 

When God made the Earth, he was really just looking for a way to store his giant rubber band ball.

God wants to invent a microbe that can eat metal. That way he could keep it on a staple diet.

God bends paper clips into weird animal shapes and leaves them on my desk.

God sometimes just lets it ring and allows the machine to get it.

God digs that "new car" smell.

God understands that you've been seeking answers for some time now, and he's just gonna give you a heads up on this one: it means, in spanish, "living the crazy life".
 

God prefers cream soups to broth except for minestrone.

God built this city on Rock & Roll. Its lasted much better than the one he built on Gregorian Chants.

God thought the title "Pope" sounded funny the first six thousand times he heard it.

God knows the Truth is Out There, but he enjoyed the show too much to tell anyone where.

God in not a Treky, but he has watched every episode of My Favorite Martian 1500 times.

God doesn't post on Hatrack often, he just Lurks.
 

quote:

---

God doesn't post on Hatrack often, he just Lurks.

---

Wait...are you saying Thor is God??
 

God brags incessantly to the other gods about his MP3 collection.

God walks around heaven naked.

God still can't microwave popcorn without burning it.

God is still kicking himself over that whole "down syndrome" thing.

God hates sequels, except for Second Corinthians, Terminator 2, and Rocky IV.

God does not approve of "messing around" with branding irons.

God stopped reading the Bible after Exodus, but he wants to get around to finishing it.

God can breakdance like nobody's business.

God never has that one little hair that sticks up.

God is still jealous of that guy who writes the songs that make the whole world sing.

God has incredibly low self-esteem, dispite his legions of adoring fans.

God hates it when he gets that one little piece of popcorn stuck between his teeth.

Even God doesn't know how to set the clock on his VCR.

God is rather lazy, sometimes he pretends he isn't home when his personal trainer shows up.

God doesn't like it when no one tells him that he has something stuck between his teeth all day.

God has extremely good hygene, he brushes his teeth before and after every meal, however, he never brushes his hair.
 

God has a huge collection of discount cards and consequently hasn't paid full price for anything in millennia.

God has yet to see a rebate program that works.

God prefers the mellow sound of tube amplifiers to solid state.

God thinks Michael Jackson should stop whining about his deal with Sony and get back to writing music you can dance to.

God thinks Michael Jackson should stop grabbing his crotch and leave his skin color alone, darnit!

God thinks the whole Tarzan story stretches credulity.

God really like origami paper cranes. He wishes He'd thought of them.

God wishes man would learn to control the weather so he'd quit complaining about it already.

God has a really good explanation for nipples on male squirrels.

God knows whether Evolution is a theory or not.

God thinks the speed limit should be lowered through the double "S" curve on County Road 545.

God gets a laugh out of politicians who call themselves the "education ____________" (governor, president, whatever).

God doesn't like the term "yard waste."

God actually started the plagues on Egypt with millions of snails, but they got there too late.

God would like to apologize to the American continent's original settlers for that whole "Columbus thing." He was owed a favor.

God admitted that lightning is really the result of a mistake in some basic calculations. He was going to correct that flaw but liked the fear and awe it earned him.

God says that "Coulomb's Law" is really His.

quote:

---

God does not approve of "messing around" with branding irons.

---

This one has become one of my all-time favorites.

Bob - I posted about a bajillion of these things on another thread. Was it called "Sacrilicious"? ::goes to resurrect thread::
 

Despite my earlier claims, it was, in fact, God who invented the french kiss.

God likes his eggs "over medium".

God tried to stop Kevin Costner from filming "Waterworld".

God is glad that the chihuahua has finally gotten the respect it deserves.

The more we keep talking about it, the more tempted God is to invent the one-man rain cloud.

God still maintains that he had nothing to do with the whole "Red Sea" business.

God wears Old Spice.
 

*laughing "Thank You!" continues laughing*
 

God believes man has not made enough of his free will, but has made more than enough Free Willy movies.

God knows free will is never free.

God tried moving in a non-mysterious way once, but it just wasn't him.

God is always looking for a pair of comfortable heels she can wear to formal occasions.

God prefers Tae Chi to rigorous calisthenics in the morning.

God prefer's lemon jello to lime, but likes the lime color better.

God does not think he's Bill Gates, but Bill...

God's favorite shirt reads "Red Sox SUCK!".

God wears boxer briefs.

God messes with Texas.

God drinks his tequila chilled and his martinis without vermouth.

God thinks that, even though he had so much to do in so little time, there is no excuse for the San Andreas Fault.

God is sorry about the mosquito.

And the Macarena.
 

God has no fears, but really doesn't enjoy tight places.

God considers himself a real People entity.

God will apologize for ticks when man apologizes for "The Tick" Live Action TV Series.
God switched to decaf ever since that whole Flood thing.

God on Jolt Cola is not a good thing.

 

God is aware that they actually bump people to upgrade him to first class, but he doesn't say anything.
 

God enjoys "Sweet Child of Mine", but not the Sheryl Crow version.

God doesn't like Aerosmith anymore.

God bought the US's entire supply of the new 3-cent stamp...and He's still giggling.

God likes to see how many of us leave the tag on the mattress out of fear.

God knows that it's okay to insert the q-tip into the ear canal, but He's not going to blurt it out.

God always fills His ice cube trays.

God wonders why people buy so many different kinds of meat. He used the same "chicken" flavoring for everything.

God does not like the word "midget", except in the phrase "midget porn". It's the only word that works.

God is left-handed, but can never seem to find the correct scissors.

No one but He was amused when He put the "No Vacancy" sign on Heaven's gates as a joke.

Don't let priests and prophets fool you. The only way He manifests himself is through the "Check Engine" light.

God likes the infield fly rule, but He's still undecided concerning the DH.

God doesn't know where the Southern accent came from, but He does not like it.

[This message has been edited by Frisco (edited July 25, 2002).]
 

God has been banned at every casino in Vegas.

Everytime scientists think they have found the smallest particle, God cuts it in half.

God and Bill Gates are in talks about using His image as the Microsoft Assistant, but He's not happy with the royalties.

God likes NSync, but isn't proud of it.

God gets a little tired of being told to d**m someone. He would like to be asked politely for a change.

God gets a real kick out of Silly String.

God thinks clowns are a little creepy.
 

God doesn't like spiders, but he pretends he does in front of all the guys.

God and St. Peter used to have foot races, but St. Peter kept giving up when God played the omnipresence card.

God thought about getting a tattoo, but then reconsidered, those things last forever.

The IRS tried to make God pay back-taxes, but they gave up due to locust infestation.

Back in the 70s, God changed the Angel uniform from white robes to Rhinestone Jackets and platform shoes - just goes to show you His wisdom isn't always infinite.

God has seen the Matrix 3400 times, it never gets boring.
 

Who doesn't??

 

If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

In the dark? Follow the Son.

If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

This is a CH_ _ CH. What is missing?" ---------> (U R).
^slightly irrelevant but cool
 

And a little bit rock and roll

And a little bit Gregorian Chant

And a little bit Japanese Noh Theater

But his in not even the tiniest bit Disco

God is not a cat person. That's just a rumor started by the cats.

God enjoys Sesame street so much he has considered making a real "Big Bird", but is afraid it would end up as nuggets in a fast food franchise.

He's also considered the Snuffelupagus. Mainly because he likes saying Snuffelupagus.

God thinks the words Hufflepuff is so funny, he made the entire Harry Potter thing take off just to hear people say it.

God would manifest herself as a female more often, but she just can't get used to walking in heels.

When God gets athlete's foot, the whole world itches.

God loves slapstick humor. This explains WWI.

 

God can TOTALLY tell the difference between Diet Dr. Pepper and regular Dr. Pepper.
 

God make his angels attend Noh plays as a training aid.
 

God considered replacing harps with electronic senthysizers, but realized he'd need an amp as large as Mars.

PS If you do not like us using God in this silly way, feel free to replace "God" with "Orson Scott Card" in any of these sayings. I'm sure he won't mind.

God enjoys getting to 3 pages of posts.

God tries not to come off as a big know-it-all, but sometimes He just can't help it.

God never understood the appeal of Frankenberry and Count Chocula, or what their supposed rivalry was all about.

As a prank, God once gave Poseidon a bad case of swimmer's ear.

When he plays pool, God usually clears the table on the break.

God really likes those souvenirs where they make a face out of a coconut, with straw hair and painted on lips.

Not even God can get a postcard sent to the US from South America.

God recently switched ISPs so he could get past the moderators on a certain BB he likes to flame.

God and Jesus have formed a wrestling team in preparation for Armageddon, which will be broadcast on TNN under the WWF banner.

God brought Mary's uncorrupted body into Heaven, but now they don't know what to do with it.

God thinks a theft from your government is a theft from you!

God is pretty sure that torpedos sink ships better than loose lips, but he hasn't tried the experiment.

God thinks that, on most days, a false sense of security is all that stands between us and anarchy!

God sometimes visits grocery stores just to fill up on free samples.

God would like everyone to know that there have been far fewer virgin births than some have claimed.

God would've come down to Earth at the millennium, but they couldn't arrange a cool enough vehicle to top the pope-mobile.

God was always jealous of Zeus and Odin's names -- that's why kept his name a secret for so long.

God didn't let Jesus play with Play-Doh anymore after that platypus incident.

Even God can't explain where or when cell phones lose their signal.

quote:

---

God didn't let Jesus play with Play-Doh anymore after that platypus incident.

---

For that, I'm replacing 'God' with 'Bob' in all my subsequent posts in this thread. Cause Bob rocks.
 

::quickly copies post to secret file to save for those "blues" days::
 

God doesn't care what the plural of the Platapus is.

God has considered redecorating heaven, but he doesn't know where to store all the clouds.

God once made a Pizza with EVERYTHING on it. It was FREAKIN HUGE MAN!!

God prefers Grey Poupon, but is afraid he will appear snobbish if he asks for it.

God is an Iron. If a person who commits a felony is a felon and a person who commits bigotry is a bigot, then God is an Iron. {Quote from Spider Robinson}
 

God doesn't care what the plural of the Platapus is.

God has considered redecorating heaven, but he doesn't know where to store all the clouds.

God once made a Pizza with EVERYTHING on it. It was FREAKIN HUGE MAN!!

God prefers Grey Poupon, but is afraid he will appear snobbish if he asks for it.

God is an Iron. If a person who commits a felony is a felon and a person who commits bigotry is a bigot, then God is an Iron. {Quote from Spider Robinson}
 

quote:

---

God once made a Pizza with EVERYTHING on it. It was FREAKIN HUGE MAN!!

---

God has been given the hook.

I'll bet God's women NEVER fake orgasms.

God gets great cell phone reception, but He always has to pay roaming charges.

God is not sure whose dumb idea it was to put handicapped parking spaces in Heaven, but He still doesn't park there.

God agrees that the Olsen twins are going to be hot when they grow up, and He says, "You're welcome.".

God looks at pictures of Himself and thinks, "That hairstyle! That was SO totally Exodus.".

God is actually a redhead with a flattop and a handlebar moustache.

God's favorite pasttime is moving pieces of furniture just enough for people to stub their toes.

God sometimes wonders what is wrong with people...He still LOVES his Pogo Ball.

God is not quite sure what His greatest idea was-sliced bread, the wheel, or the tuna fish sandwich.

God always laughed when he heard "The Devil Went Down To Georgia". Until, that is, he lost his platinum electric guitar in a duel with Eddie Van Halen.

 

God forgot his PIN number so he just commanded the ATM to cough out a $20 and went home.

God likes the name "Corriolus Effect" and thinks it's much preferable to saying "the ball, she's a spinning."

God bought a label-maker and He's started putting "This is God's" on everything.

God would like to apologize for that "If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out..." stuff.

God is really bad at karaoke, but nobody will tell him that "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" was NEVER a good song.

 

However, God thinks it's worth noting that "Corriolus" is now the correct spelling, simply because He feels like it.

God thinks it's funny that all dictionaries have the word "Corriolus" misspelled.

[This message has been edited by Noemon (edited October 02, 2002).]
 

God put the "bop" in the "bop she-bop she-bop" but he has no idea how the ram got in the "ram a lam a ding dong".

God thinks that no one truely appreciates the immense asthetic value of glued-on macaroni art.

Only God and his closest advisors know that that whole Flood thing was a result of a bounced check to the local plumbers' guild.

God knows how to gird his loins but he wonders why anyone would want to.

If you think that oil is great, wait till you see what God has planned for dead humans to turn into after a few million years.

If you'll check the list on the fridge, you'll see that it is not God's week to do the dishes, so stop trying to pin it on him.

God is always there to listen to your concerns, unless he's taking a bubble bath. Hey, even an omnipotent deity needs some "me" time.

God hates beating a dead horse. So he normally ressurects it and then beats it.
 

God was slated to give a talk titled "how to build a Universe" but his supporting materials wouldn't fit in the auditorium.

God hides his feet because he has a nasty toe-nail fungus and doesn't want to gross anyone out.

God likes dogs because when you come home after a millennium or two, there they'll be just waiting for you, decomposed into dust.

God made bats because he likes the sound of the word "guano."

God enjoys a good pancake supper fellowship meeting, especially if strawberries and whipped cream are involved.

God shops at the Big, Tall, and Omnipresent store.

LOL Squicky, my Grandmother use to have one of those hanging in the guest room. Always creeped us out.
 

Though God made Man in his own image, he likes to whip up a bat-boy or a pair of Siamese twins every once in a while.

God WILL show himself someday, if only to show Michael Jackson the proper way to do the Moonwalk.

God was going to put out a swimsuit calendar until the photographer told him that his lack of a bellybutton was "Just too creepy for some folks".

God rarely second-guesses himself, but he just KNEW he should've made Brittney Spears a mute.

 

God would strike us all dead for worshipping Bob as an idol...except He thinks Bob is funny as Hell, too.

God likes a good laugh. He loves a good linguini, but he likes a good laugh.

God doesn't like Sadaam or Osama. They both think they have his job.

God is a Buddist, but only every other Tuesday.

Despite the beliefs of all involved, God doesn't care that much who wins the football game.

God doesn't Tango often. It takes two and there is only 1 God, or 3. 2 is difficult.

Gods favorite number is Infinity. However that's hard to play in the lottery so he sticks to 42.

God doesn't talk in the third person royal. He saves that for God wannabe's.
 

God let his attention lapse once, for just a minute, and that's how television was born.

God came this close to creating a special place in hell for guys who wear socks with sandals.

God sometimes wishes there really was a Santa Claus.

Every once in a while, just for giggles, God turns up the stereo and greets new arrivals with Elvis' Return to Sender.

When God and Jonah walk together, God puts on his shirt that says "I'm with stupid --->". It's their little in joke.

God had the Mongol hordes burn the library at Alexandria just to avoid a fine on an overdue scroll.

God went to Disney World once, but all those animatronic Presidents just freaked Him out.

God has no problem with Hindus, but thinks that the monks are a little werid.

God would never decribe Himself as "cute", but only to keep from embarassing Jesus.

Jesus only wears makeup to help out some freinds, so let's all stop bugging Him about it, OK?

God will be watching the Victoria Secret Models on Wensday, but only because Mary wants to.

Hobbes
 

God had perfect viewing for the meteor shower, from above the clouds.

God believes that He Who Laugh's Last is the slowest of wits.

God once tried to set up Mother Nature with Father Time. It was a natural disaster waiting to happen.
 

quote:

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God once tried to set up Mother Nature with Father Time. It was a natural disaster waiting to happen.

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That was GREAT!

 

quote:

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God enjoys a good bump now and then.

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Who doesn't.

[This message has been edited by Dan_raven (edited November 26, 2002).]
 

God has a hard time remembering who Tuesday is named after.

When God gets mildly peeved at a people, He sometimes plagues them with a rash that clears up in about 24 hours.

God was a HUGE Bullwinkle fan. All through the 60's and 70's He used to invoke each miracle with "Nothin' up my sleeve...Presto!"

God has recently instituted a policy that requires all new applicants to beat St. Peter in a jai alai match before gaining entrance into Heaven.

God knows what became of Sinead O'Connor.

God fully endorses the concept of strategic napping.

God installed Shredders to hell. He's just waiting for the Enron/World-Com/etc crews to come knocking on the pearly gates.

Cleanliness may be next to Godliness, but Mr. Clean pitches on totally different softball team.

God has no competitors, but admits Tolkien came as close as anyone.

God wonders why St. Valentine gets less press than St. Nicholas.
 

quote:

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God has no competitors, but admits Tolkien came as close as anyone.

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Woo!

~Jane~
 

God really likes fountains as a decorating motif. Although He does admit that maybe Niagra Falls is a bit over the top.

God Created cows to give us Milk and Cheese. He gave us Men to milk the cows.

Got created mice and small birds to keep us from getting bored.

God created relaxing in the afternoon. Cat's just mastered it.

Even God is not sure if a purr is a prayer, or an answered prayer.

This is according to my Cat.

God thinks Bob gets 4 more Bob points, but he is a bit retentive.
 

"Big Hair Means You're Closer to God".--k.d. Lang

poem by Jen Edwards

My Aunt Leoder says that
God sees everything you do
and knows everything you're thinking.
Uh oh.

My Uncle Earl says that
God is in the bottle of whiskey by his dresser
near the drawer he won't let us into.

My Momma says God is in the pulpit
with the preacher every Sunday
and in the plastic glow-in-the-dark Jesus on the
toilet tank at Grandma Booey's.

My Daddy says God is in the TV
with the Dallas Cowboys in the play offs
and sometimes Jesus Christ is in his big toe
when he stubs it on the coffee table

My big brother says he don't know where God is,
but the Devil's in the woodshed
in the dark behind the shovels.

Grandma Frankie says God is in the flowers,
and the soft ears of puppies,
and the aerosol cans in Maxine's Beauty Shop,
and I like that one best of all.

God is a bit cheesed with Moses at the moment because whenever they play golf Moses wants to get a cart--even if it's only for 9 rounds.

God hates palindromes. They're creepy.

If God had known how great tongues were going to be, he maybe would've put more thought into their aesthetic qualities.

God gets pretty tired of receiving messages written out in calligraphy--block lettering is just fine.

Once at a cocktail party, God kept challenging guests to a duel with shrimp forks. Nobody would take him up on it so he ate the entire Meditteranean platter (God likes hummus) and spit the olive pits in the punch bowl.

Hobbes
 

God thinks that Jesus looks too Jewish in The Last Supper.

God thought that Quantum Physics was comedy when it first came out.

Even God doesn't get a lot of the symbolism in the Coen Brother's movies.

God doesn't understand how people can be aware of the Fabio's nose incident and still not believe in Him.

Hobbes
 

God thinks he looks a little too stern in the Sistine Chapel ceiling. He'd like a few less wrinkles in his brow and maybe a Mona Lisa smile. Is that too much to ask?

 

God intended the Eye of Jupiter to be a bit more real-looking, but the budget ran out.

God has an awesome Pez collection.
 

God enjoys a good MLT, you know, mutton lettuce and tomatoe, when the mutton is good and lean and...

God created the Universe in six days, and rested on the seventh. He did not go to Disney World on the seventh, though he thinks now, that might have been fun.

God is a better shot with the lightning bolt than Zeus, and boy does that burn Zeus's Bakalav.

God loves a good mystery.