posted
So, today I received a call from one of my colleagues who taught at the "favelas" (brazilian slums) with me some years ago (teaching people how to read and write, helping them getting a degree in order to qualify for better jobs, etc.). It was a very rewarding job (not "money" rewarding, if you get the tip), but a little dangerous, since it meant asking permission from (very well-armed) drug-dealers to enter some places, run and hide during crossfires when the police made incursions, see a student or two get killed, be punched in the face by an abusing father (of one of the students). I never had any regrets for taking that job. I learnt a lot what it meant to be a teacher. I think I matured quite a bit during that two years. Back to the call. She (my colleague) got some funding both from the government and private sources to start a (hopefully) permanent teaching program in some favelas (all of them we knew from our previous gig). She asked me if I could train newly-graduated teachers to go there, and supervise them on site, dealing with some logistics and such. Even the payment is nice, this time. The only problem being... I froze. A giant, enormous fear I didn't know I got inside choked me . I started quaking with fright. And I said "no, thanks" in a shamed whisper. The words "never again" crossed my mind. She took her time to riposte, but riposte she did: "Oh... I guess Professor Eduardo can't take his time to teach where he's most needed anymore. Time DOES pass by." We exchanged hasty and awkard goodbyes and hang up. No more to say after that, hehe... So, as I wallow in guilt and self-pity, unable to prepare my classes for next week, I try to, unable to fathom where all that fear came from, to discern when did I stop caring for people in need, wanting only cushy, well-paid, tenure-laden University jobs. Yes, folks... the nature of cowardice is: sometimes you don't now you get it, until you see you don't have what it takes anymore (did I have what it takes even years ago? Or was I just naive?) I'm not trying to muster courage to try and take the job. "Never again".
Posts: 1785 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
I'm not trying to persuade you to muster up the courage to take the job, and I'm certainly not criticizing you for not taking the (dangerous, extremely stressful) job either when I say:
Courage and cowardice aren't something that happen to us, like car accidents or rain storms or your alarm clock breaking.
The fear that stops you now has always been there and will always be there to some extent; that's not so bad, though, considering that the courage that let you take the job is still there, too.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Uhh... that seems more like common sense than cowardice, most people wouldnt have been able to do it once. After you've had that experience it would seem natural to move on and not want to go through that tough time again. i think its pretty cool that you did that at all. Posts: 856 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
Just to be clear, it goes without saying that it's very cool you did it even once, and I'm grateful for it, strange as that sounds hundreds and thousands of miles away.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Another point--while it may not have consciously factored into your decision, you're married now. There is someone that you love deeply that would be hurt if something happened to you. It makes sense in that circumstance to be unwilling to take risks that you were willing to take when it was just you.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Most people aren't cut out for that kind of work. I have a lot of respect for those who are. The valedictorian of my high school class (and a 4.0 out of college) did a 180 on everyone and is now living in the slums of Camden, NJ, teaching elementary school for almost no money. We all thought she'd be a brilliant scientist of some sort, but she just really wants to help people where help is most needed.
It's ok to just be yourself instead of measuring up to people who I consider to be superheroes. They leave the security of their culture and family in a completely altruistic gesture, and I'm amazed by that.
Posts: 1314 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Didn't you get married since that job? (Oh, Noemon said that.)
I think it's a very different situation to take a wife into that situation (I'm assuming you'd move to be close by) than to go yourself. Or even if she would be completely safe, just being married changes the amount you need to protect YOURSELF.
So yeah, what Noemon said.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I'm extremely impressed you went through all that even once, let alone for two years. There is this little theory I have about certain people who see someone achieve something great, and after a few repetitions, begin to stop being grateful, and instead, now expect it of them.
Sometimes the real heroes are the ones who aren't afraid to admit when they fear something. Sometimes real maturity is declining to put yourself in great danger because of the people who care about you.
Posts: 349 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
When you have a family, the decision is different. Taking the job could be an extremely selfish choice- because it isn't just you dealing with the consequences but also your wife. I am not saying it necessarily would be selfish, depending on your wife's view, but it could be.
Posts: 2223 | Registered: Mar 2008
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I guess one of the things that hurted me most was the venom she put in the word "professor" as if it was something very dirty... as if by becoming a professor I stopped being a teacher, because I'm hiding from the needy by teaching only at the University. Isabel (my wife) was very afraid for me when we begun dating (we were close friends before that for many years). I don't think she would like much if I went into harm's way everyday again. It'd be nice to say I thought about that when I refused the job, but I never thought about her, only myself (shame on me, shame on me). There was a day when I was going home...I was in the middle of the street when I was caught in a crossfire between police and drug dealers. I ran as fast as I could, that day (although many people thought I should had searched for cover or throw myself down, I never thought about that). That's what I thought about. "Never again!" But how can I think like that if innocent and hard-working people live in such places and have to suffer through such things over and over again? One time (actually four...four shootings during two years) was enough to break me! Bah... It's amazing how a five-minute phone call can mess one's entire sunday.
Posts: 1785 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
Your friend's comment was rude and presumptuous. Who's she to know where YOU'RE most needed? Don't let it ruin your day. She'll find someone better suited for the job.
Posts: 1314 | Registered: Jan 2006
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quote:Yes, folks... the nature of cowardice is: sometimes you don't now you get it, until you see you don't have what it takes anymore (did I have what it takes even years ago? Or was I just naive?) I'm not trying to muster courage to try and take the job.
I'm not so sure what you did was cowardly. Courage is not being fearless, and it is definitely not a desire to do whatever is most dangerous. Couragous folks are just as afraid as everyone else. The difference is that when you are acting courageously, you don't let your fear stop you from doing something you know you should do. And cowardice is when you do let fear prevent you from doing what you rationally think you should do.
So, the question is: All fear aside, do you think you should have taken that job, or not? If not, I don't think it is cowardly to decline it.
Posts: 8120 | Registered: Jul 2000
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quote:She'll find someone better suited for the job.
To be fair, this is probably not true at all. But just because you are well-suited to the work does not mean you should do it, or are under any moral obligation to do so.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Eduardo_Sauron: But how can I think like that if innocent and hard-working people live in such places and have to suffer through such things over and over again? \
If they had a choice, they would probably leave, too. If you're still concerned about them, I'm sure there are plenty of ways to help the people living in these areas without spending lots of time there yourself. Donating money or time in other ways can help those people without putting you at risk.
Posts: 368 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
It sounds a little like post traumatic stress disorder -- maybe you deferred experiencing the full extent of fear from that situation until the moment when someone asked you to deal with it again.
Fear and cowardice are not the same thing. You did an excellent thing by teaching in conditions many people would never have considered. As Launchy said, the comment made by your colleague was incredibly rude and presmptuous. If she wants to think she's better than you for making a different choice, so be it. She's wrong.
I think your fear response was normal and healthy. If you have a strong desire or "calling" to go back and teach in the favelas, then go for it. If you don't, then absolutely don't--and it sounds like you don't. Guilt is not a proper motivation. You have worked hard to get the position you have and you should enjoy your development there.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Post traumatic stress disorder? Maybe, don't know. Never thought about that before. Well... people say one must be crazy to become a teacher nowadays. ;-) I don't think I have this "calling" anymore. I like to help by donating blood, food and money regularly, but I can't even think about doing what I used to do (well, I can, but my bowels turn to gelly and I shake like gelly too). Maybe my friend was presumptuous, I don't know. I guess she just assumed I'd just jump in and help share the burden. Now she'll have to search for someone else. I'm think about calling her to explain myself. I'm just not sure if I should.
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