I have a brother named John. He is 21 now, 2.5 years my junior. Growing up we had very different personalities, and often fought. Now we are both men in our twenties, and we still fight frequently. Ill try to supply a brief history of who John is before requesting suggestions/advice.
Growing up John was a good kid. He genuinely tried to do as he was told. He made concertive efforts to be honest, yet often fails to notice that his report of circumstances is often slanted. He had a pretty vicious temper growing up that is slightly more subdued and his tendancy to resort to physical violence as a means to resolve conflict has for all practical purposes disappeared.
He has an intense interest in science. Often memorizing all that he can on what he is learning and regurgitating it to anybody who will listen. He is an avid movie/TV watcher and memorizes lines from the shows he has enjoyed profusely. He can talk for almost an hour just spouting off verbatim comments from movies.
In school he works hard and gets good grades. He has struggled his entire life with being able to socialize with kids his age. He was often the target of bullies. He often prefers the company of people considerably younger than him.
He speaks very matter of factly even when expressing opinions, and he is very apt to criticize without any intent of malice. He offends people frequently without understanding why they are offended. Yet he feels genuinely sorry when told why somebody is upset with him.
He expresses an intense sorrow at not being properly understood, and he fails to understand why socializing is so difficult.
His political/religious views are very Christian and very conservative. He often speak ill of those whose philosophies or views are in his opinion evil. With alot of work on my part, he has begun to understand that people often do things he may perceive as evil for reasons that are righteous to them.
As mentioned in picking up on social que's though not totally oblivious, he has difficulty identifying sarcasm. When somebody takes offence, his initial response is to intelectually qualify his statements as a means of escaping repercutions.
He often uses words incorrectly, because he misunderstands the flavor of the word. He often complains of people misinterpreting what he is saying because they don't have the same definition of the word as he does.
He is VERY organized, and expects others to be the same. Disorganization in others bothers him alot, yet interestingly enough I persisted in being in his opinion, "messy" and now he simply does not bother me about it. He likes to have EVERYTHING planned out in advance, and is quite upset with people like me who are relaxed and like to make decisions by the seat of their pants. He see's this type of lifestyle as simply wrong.
He is not afraid to tell authority figures what he thinks, and has pissed of a handful of his teachers this way. You could be the most gifted coach in say basketball history, and he would argue with you intensely upon first meeting you. This is not to say he has no respect for authority, he is VERY obedient to those he views as knowledgeable or worth respecting, almost to the point of fanaticism. He starts to believe everything they say without critically examining it first.
These things have dealt him a very cruel hand in his life. Outside the family he does not feel loved by anyone. A certain neuro biology teacher was upset with John's insistance that his failing grade was all the teachers fault, and called John stupid, much to John's indignation. John because he does not get much satisfaction from other people, relies almost completely on his religion and scholastic achievement for personal satisfaction. His only friends are within the family circle who all understand John and therefore do not let him offend them. It very difficult for outsiders to get past this layer of John.
I often fail to be patient with him, and frequently respond quite negatively to his attempts at giving advice to me because he offers it so ineffectively. I hate the fact that I am typically a very friendly person, and VERY empathetic. Yet, hypocritically I see somebody like John, who suffers so much psychological and mental trauma and yet, I am cruel to him in some of the things I say to him.
I often have very little patience with him even when I am trying to help him. His inclination to argue with me on topics he knows nothing about, and which I have alot of knowledge is infuriating.
I guess the help I am asking of this community is, do you think my brother fits the Asperger Syndrome bill, or is it something else? Do any of you know anyone who suffers from this condition, and how do you deal with it? I want to help John, and yet I feel totally inable to do so. Its amazing that my fiance was able to pick up on John's social foibles and take them very much in stride, and yet here I am his brother of 21 years and I fail most of the time to be as understanding as I ought to be.
Any help any of you can render is greatly appreciated.
posted
I'm going to email this to a good friend of mine, whose 11(?)-year-old son is diagnosed with Asperger's. I love children, but this kid has been hard for me to take ever since he's been old enough to talk, for some of the same reasons you describe in your brother. He's been hard for his parents and siblings to take, as well, and only now are they beginning to understand why. At the same time, he seeks love and approval--but his ways of trying to get it are very offputting.
I have no training or expertise in Asperger's, so I can't address whether he fits the bill or not or what help is available (which is why I'll send your message to my friend)--but I will say this. It is obvious that you love your brother. I wouldn't beat myself up over not being as understanding as you might have been--you are clearly seeking understanding now, and you said you've tried to work with him over the years. Sounds to me like you're a really good brother! So you're not a saint yet? Join the club.
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posted
Hmm. It suddenly occurs to me to wonder whether Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes, has Asperger's.
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posted
I'm not an expert, so I can only offer a layman's opinion. But I will say it's probably worth looking into, and getting an expert to evaluate your brother because he does sound very similar to a child of my acquantaince who is diagnosed with Asperger's.
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posted
Whether he has it or not, it might be helpful to learn some of the techniques used for dealing with those with Asperger's. I hate to even put it that way, but there are probably strategies for building relationships with those with Asperger's and they might be worth trying to help build your relationship with your brother. An actual diagnosis isn't all that important, is it? Just a thought.
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quote:Originally posted by jeniwren: Whether he has it or not, it might be helpful to learn some of the techniques used for dealing with those with Asperger's. I hate to even put it that way, but there are probably strategies for building relationships with those with Asperger's and they might be worth trying to help build your relationship with your brother. An actual diagnosis isn't all that important, is it? Just a thought.
I believe I asked for just that sort of help.
Porteiro Head: Ill read through the previous thread, thanks for providing the link, though in retrospect I probably should have searched for that link before posting. Thanks for the advice thus far.
KOM: Interesting, Ill have to think about that one for a bit.
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quote:Originally posted by jeniwren: Whether he has it or not, it might be helpful to learn some of the techniques used for dealing with those with Asperger's. I hate to even put it that way, but there are probably strategies for building relationships with those with Asperger's and they might be worth trying to help build your relationship with your brother. An actual diagnosis isn't all that important, is it? Just a thought.
I believe I asked for just that sort of help.
Porteiro Head: Ill read through the previous thread, thanks for providing the link, though in retrospect I probably should have searched for that link before posting. Thanks for the advice thus far.
KOM: Interesting, Ill have to think about that one for a bit.
Right...but we might not be the best place to ask for that type of help, even unoffically. Not that we don't know anyone with this...my cousin is a high functioning autistic man...but we are not really qualified for either diagnosis or regular advice on how to treat this type of disease.
I am NOT trying to be rude, and hope you realize that. I am just saying that there might be better avenues to seek advice in this matter. Perhaps someone here can direct you to them though.
Best of luck, and I hope that whatever you find out helps your situation.
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posted
Huh, after reading that post, I find this to be extremely strange. I have a brother with Asperger's Syndrome (He's older), and he is a lot like your brother. His name is Jon.
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posted
I have relationships with three different students in the middle school where I teach who have Asperger's Syndrome. Only one of them is even remotely prone to violence and much more in a temper-tantrum sort of way. Otherwise your story certainly does show signs of it although none of the students I know are high achieving in school.
One thing that worked with the student I know best is to set very clear boundaries and reinforce them. You say that your brother gets on your nerves when he gives advice so I would start there. Tell him that giving unsolicited advice really bothers you and you want him to stop. Promise that when you do need advice from him, you will ASK him and he is do give you that advice nicely. Give him some scenerios where that might occur and maybe do some role playing. Then when he does it again, gently remind him that you asked him to not give you advice or to give it nicely and that is not what has happened and then remove yourself from the situation. When he does it right, praise him by telling him how much you appreciate the fact that he really listened to you. This is a kind way to condition a response in people with mild autism. Just be careful not to get angry or treat him like a child.
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quote:Originally posted by MandyM: I have relationships with three different students in the middle school where I teach who have Asperger's Syndrome. Only one of them is even remotely prone to violence and much more in a temper-tantrum sort of way. Otherwise your story certainly does show signs of it although none of the students I know are high achieving in school.
One thing that worked with the student I know best is to set very clear boundaries and reinforce them. You say that your brother gets on your nerves when he gives advice so I would start there. Tell him that giving unsolicited advice really bothers you and you want him to stop. Promise that when you do need advice from him, you will ASK him and he is do give you that advice nicely. Give him some scenerios where that might occur and maybe do some role playing. Then when he does it again, gently remind him that you asked him to not give you advice or to give it nicely and that is not what has happened and then remove yourself from the situation. When he does it right, praise him by telling him how much you appreciate the fact that he really listened to you. This is a kind way to condition a response in people with mild autism. Just be careful not to get angry or treat him like a child.
Sorry for the belated response but thank you, I think this would probably help alot. In a sort of funny incident we had recently I tried to explain to him how to present an opinion in a nonoffensive way.
I said "If I say its alittle ironic that there is a famous picture of George Washington praying in Valley Forge that people all know about, and yet when President Bush talks about praying about sending troops to Iraq people get all upset. Is that offensive?" he said "I don't think so." so then I said
"If I say, "I think its good that President Bush prays to God about all his decisions because I think a president should be religious and accountable to God." is that a good thing to say?"
He said "YES! I think it is good that President Bush prays, if you don't like it you need to get out of our country, this country was founded to be a Christian country and people who are atheists or want gay marriage need to get with the program or get out!"
I think it would be halarious if my brother went to Berkley and somebody filmed him in a philosophy class.
In more pop related news I found out the lead singer of The Vines was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome.
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posted
I would warn that Asberger's syndrome is a highly over-diagnosed disease, being applied to many who would previously, and more accurately, have been considered eccentric (many noted profesors have been thought to have Asperger's, notably one of the chief Enigma code-breakers, but far more are simply involved in their work to a degree which seems unimaginable to others.) Just a thought.
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I'd suggest explaining the "why" of things. Something along the lines of "If you say X, people will be upset with you because of this reason." Spell out clearly the cause-and-effect relationship.
And yeah, someone with professional advice might be better.
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