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I wrote another one of these, that’s why this is II of course. I also wrote a follow up to it, one about logic and faith, not really part of my story, but something that always comes up when religion is discussed. I posted part one in early February, it’s now almost October, why did it take so long to follow up? Frankly, personal reasons, and that’ll have to be good enough unless you’re really curious and want to e-mail me, which I would be happy to respond to.
Those two previous topics rather cover the “why I thought the Church was true” topic, not completely of course, but I don’t have enough time to write down a complete story of that, and it would be exceedingly boring to read, so now I’ll tell a different story. What did I do about it?
Note: This story does not make me look good, and when you find me explaining what I did, or possibly explaining way, don’t think I’m necessarily proud of all these things, or agree with my reasoning, but the fact is I did do what I described here, and I’m trying to be honest about it. Just don’t take the honesty as acceptance of my failings, merely as proof that I ripe with them.
[Final note: this is my 7777th post, I like the number 7, so this seemed as good as any to post this on, kind of a nice marker I guess]
Well, I suppose a recap is in order. I’ve tried to write this a couple of times, starting from some idea or perspective that wasn’t directly relevant, and it kept reading very poorly and I never finished, or really got into it at all. So this will be as strict a re-telling as I can do, though I’ll probably wax eloquent here in about 30 minutes when I get tired, or I get myself off on a tangent. Bear with me.
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, when you begin to find information about the Church, read the Book of Mormon, and pursue whatever avenues you feel will help lead you to the truth it’s called “Investigating”. I think I can mark off my investigating the Church to right at the beginning of April, 2003. I wasn’t really interested in the truth of the Church, so much as what the heck did this Church believe so to speak?
I began asking questions, mostly of those Hatrackers here who were willing to answer my continual parade of them, and I owe a thanks to everyone of them, especially to those non-Mormons who answer my generic Christian questions, I know it probably wasn’t that great to be giving non-LDS answers in what was a pre-dominantly LDS thread. As I asked questions I began to discover a view of the world that made sense to me. Somewhere in the middle of the process my mind began to switch from asking what the Church was to trying to find reasons not to join. This is about the time (just before I guess) that two sister missionaries tracted in to me. For those of you not familiar with the terms, it means two women (well… probably girls really, 21-25 years of age) on a 18 month mission to spread the gospel of Christ and serve “the people” whoever they are. “Tracting” is going door to door and asking if the inhabitants of those humble dwellings wish to hear a message about Christ.
The missionaries tracting in to my house was a random occurrence, meaning no one had told them that I was “an investigator”, they just happened to knock on the door at the specific time that I was investigating, and when I was alone in the house so I could talk to them for a bit. Call it providence, call it luck, it doesn’t matter, it was enough to bring my unconscious thoughts of conversion out into the open, or, to bring them close enough to the open that I began trying to discover the truth with a great deal more zeal, instead of just figuring out what Mormons believed; I wanted to know what I should believe.
I did not breath a word of this to my parents, though I probably hinted at it (I don’t really remember) I never did anything akin to saying “Mom, Dad, I’m thinking about converting to Mormonism and I thought you should know.” The Cards, in their continual generosity, sent me a Book of Mormon (and the latest Church video at the time, “Finding Faith in Christ”, though I tend not to mention it because I have to admit that I have never liked Church media productions, aside from the commercials that are never run anymore, and that was one of those productions). I read from the BoM, I spent a lot of time thinking about it, trying to sort out all of my subconscious emotions so that I could recognize what was coming from me, and thus, what was not coming from me.
Eventually, I went to a Church service. It was Mother’s day, and for I think an unrelated reason, my Mom was gone most of the day, as was my only other sibling, and my Dad left for the morning. One of the about 3 members I knew offline picked me up and drove me to Church. This person was a 40 year old (or so) woman, and she was absolutely the wrong choice of someone to drive me to Church, if only because she was very late.
I often say I was nervous about going to Church, really I wasn’t, I was terrified. I knew that when I got home my Father would be there, and I knew that he would never approve of Church, and I was terribly frightened as to what his reaction would be. Then there’s the fact that I’ve almost never been to any Church of any kind. And I knew that those experiences, even if I did remember them well (which I didn’t) probably wouldn’t be a whole lot of help in getting me through this. And that’s the problem with conversion living in your parents house when your parents don’t believe. I would’ve been at least extremely nervous to go to Church, but I could’ve at least shown it to my family, if not discussed it with them. But not now, now I had to be completely cool and confident to everyone, and this was frightening in and of itself, that I had no place to go for solace or understanding.
And now we’re going to take a short break and recognize the melodramatic nature of this account. Ready? I recognize the melodramatic nature of this account. I don’t apologize for it, however, because this is a first person account and I’m trying to describe what was happening to me, through my eyes. I recognize that this is a pretty tame story really, and I had no business getting so … distraught over the minor inconveniences I had, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t get overly emotional or depressed. So when you do see this over dramatic tone, please remember that I’m aware of it too, but to tell this story accurately, I’ll have to tell it as I remember living through it.
Church was just as intimidating as I thought it would be. The woman who took me told me very little about what was going on, and I spent most of my time obsessing over not screwing up, and not getting lost in the shuffle. Despite all of that, I still learned something, and did enjoy some of it.
When I got home I told my Dad, who was there, the truth, but in such a way as to not really tell the truth. Someone had asked me to come to Church with them, and I had agreed. True enough, but it didn’t hit on the main point, you’ll find that a consistent thread in this story is that of myself being a coward.
I didn’t go to Church again the next week, or the week after that. Eventually the two sister missionaries who first found me were both transferred out. Two missionaries from the local Institute took over (which was kind of what was supposed to happen even before the sisters left since they were from the Institute and that was the correct age group for me.
They met with me pretty consistently, once a week as they were supposed to. We didn’t race through the discussions since it was becoming clear that I wasn’t about to be baptized, I was in no hurry, and so they weren’t either. This was very nice, many missionaries would have been (and were later) very agitated about my apparently uncaring pace, but these missionaries seemed to understand, or if not, were to afraid to pry, either way I got the time I needed.
What did I do with my time? I read, I studied, and I prayed. At first I prayed because I knew it was something that had to be done to test this new theory. And the more the tests returned positive results the more the reason changed. I desired to feel what I could only describe as the Spirit of God, even if at first it was just the slightest hint I persisted. I find I’m too caught up in the rationalizing and analyzing to feel the spirit strongly and readily, but it happens, when I needed to I could, when it came down to a moment that I had to choose, my weakness left me, if only for that time and I truly felt the Love of God.
That time was my second Church attendance. The first one I had been able to shrug off, it was nothing, I was doing a favor for a friend, but more and more it became apparent that I was actually interested in this Church. I did not confront my parents, there wasn’t a bug scene about how I was believing or joining or anything, but sometimes I went out, and I didn’t lie about where I went, and so it grew more and more obvious. But the breaking point was Church.
To be perfectly honest I can’t for the life of me remember why this day I decided I needed to go to Church, maybe it was divine prompting, maybe it was a personal decision, maybe it was just silliness. Whatever it was, I had chosen that day as one in which I had to go to Church, and so I sat up terrified that night. I knew it would come to a head, I knew that however tolerant my parents might be, they could never agree with me, but I also knew that I had to do it. So I prayed for strength, for a stronger knowledge.
Most people telling conversion stories seem to have defining moments, when they prayer and were answered and from then on they knew. I have no such clear-cut moments, I wouldn’t be able to accept them if I did, but if I had to pick one moment when my doubts changed to knowledge, this moment would probably be the strongest of them. I did receive an answer, and I was satisfied and slept.
That morning I awoke and dressed and talked to my Father (my Mother was gone). He was at first, totally put off, and obviously unhappy, but he’s a good parent and very tolerant, and so I went to Church. And when I came home we talked for a bit and I explained some things about the Church, and that was that. I didn’t go to Church again all summer.
I read more in my Scriptures, though not nearly as often as I should have, and I did keep up with my spiritual growth enough that my testimony, my believe didn’t fizzle into nothing, but the missionaries were transferred and the replacements didn’t seem at all interested in keeping up with me, and I left them alone. When I went to college, I knew it was time to go to Church again.
I found the building well enough, and the meeting times and the first Sunday I could, I went. At first I felt mostly alone. I didn’t know anyone, I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing or where I was going. I didn’t have nearly enough experience in Church to know what came after what or where to go in general, or the layout of any of the buildings. But I managed, and everyone was friendly. I didn’t try and hide the fact that I was an investigator, but I didn’t point it out that much either, so most people didn’t seem to notice (though an elder couple missionary started asking me about my mission plans, and genealogy, until he left a few weeks ago today he loved telling that story, how it ends with me revealing that in fact, I wasn’t a member of the Church).
The more I went, the more comfortable I felt, and the more my knowledge grew. It was tough for a while but I made it a habit and then I got used to it, and my testimony grew and I was satisfied of the truth once again, and my thoughts turned to baptism. I felt that my knowledge was sufficient, both knowledge of the doctrine and scriptures as well as faith, but I wasn’t ready.
Baptism isn’t just something you do when you believe, it’s a very important covenant with the Lord, and I wasn’t ready to make it. Unfortunately, this is the time with the missionaries discovered I was an investigator, and every missionary would come in and insist that I be baptized, why was I waiting? Well I was waiting because I wasn’t ready, but I didn’t really want to discuss this with him, so I just waited and insisted that I was in fact, not ready.
When was I going to be ready? I didn’t know, I certainly wasn’t then, but I didn’t see it getting better. I may have faith in God, but I had no faith in me. I didn’t think I could act in a way necessary to gain salvation, which meant both that I shouldn’t make a covenant that I would, and that it wouldn’t help to get baptized, to join the Church, because I wouldn’t be able to make use of the salvation it offered, I wasn’t good enough.
Of course being 18, the natural result of all this was depression. I got depressed, I moped, I went out on long bike rides at night and wondered what I was going to do. And I wasn’t very careful either, I came close to dying many times, running into cars, having drunks chase me down in their car, I wasn’t staying safe, I was depressed. Melodramatic yes, but true too, that was my life.
Obviously something happened to snap me out of this selfish stupor, here I am, a full member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but it wasn’t me. It was Annie.
Don’t ask me how we began dating, she lived in Montana, I was in Indiana, there was no reason at all for this, and yet it happened. It mystifies me too, so don’t worry if you don’t understand what got us together. We began dating, online, long-distance yes, but still, we were a couple together, in Love. And that was it. My opinion of myself didn’t really change, I take a long time to change, but that wasn’t what needed to change, what was important was all of a sudden my determination to do right became stronger, all of a sudden I had a reason, I had someone counting on me.
Annie made all the difference, I snapped out of my melodramatics and took an interest in standing up within myself, for myself. I began thinking about a baptism date again. Of course being me it was still far off on a relative scale, but I’m not really into making these decisions fast.
The story goes on of course, but not much changed. I was baptized in February, 2004 (twice by the way, my knees were too high, but I like to pretend it just took some extra dowsing to get all that evil out), that was a change to me, but my focus and understanding hadn’t changed, my choices were made, these were just the logical conclusions of them.
Not all my steps since then have been steps forward, nor all my changes in faith changes towards a stronger knowledge of God, but I’ve taken my haltering steps upwards, and though I don’t think I’m much of a man, I’m willing to try to become one.
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Of course you know that I'm going to tell you that I love you and you're fabulous, but don't let it slide off as idle flattery. This is probably one of the most important events in your life to have written down and analyzed, and I'm glad you did it. I'm glad we get to have a written (and well-written, might I add!) insight into your brilliant little mind and your honest, lovely soul.
Thanks for being here and being such a wonderful part of our little community, if I do say so myself. I Love you, Mr. Hobbes, and I respect you far more than you think you deserve.
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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I always thought that was how the whole conversion process was supposed to go (Different for every person, but still the same in many ways.) That's about how it went for me. Kinda melodramatic, no big flashes of light, but still. Thanks for sharing (I know, I'm new. So it probably doesn't count for much, but still, thanks. Seriously).
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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There are no words for the emotions I'm feeling right now. Thank you so much for sharing this, Hobbes.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote: The power of "that one special person" in your life cannot be underestimated.
Uh, you mean Jesus?
I'm kidding with you bev.
But just as a profound emotional testimony wouldn't have worked for Hobbes, being encouraged in my faith by a relationship would have forever made me question my commitment.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote:being encouraged in my faith by a relationship would have forever made me question my commitment.
Hmmm, I guess having someone "jump-start" my courage so to speek doesn't bother me, but I don't think I could ever have full confidence in my belief if I was introduced to the Church through a relationship, or if I had any doubts about joining for someone else.
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Thanks for more of the story Hobbes. I'm so glad that you're where you are and doing your best. That's really all that's required of us, isn't it?? You're awesome and I'm glad to know you.
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I had attended a fireside where the speaker was asked to tell his conversion story. "Well," he said, "I'm still being converted, and I think everyone is to some degree. So," he continued, "I'll tell you the circumstances that brought me around to joining the Church, and that will have to do for now."
I liked that guy a lot.
You're a great fellow, Hobbes. I'm glad to know you.
Posts: 2689 | Registered: Apr 2000
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I had a chance to visit the student ward in Lafayette about ten years ago. My brother was on his mission in Indiana at the time, and I drove up one Sunday from where I was working in Columbus to surprise him. Boy was he surprised. His mission president was sitting on the rostrum when we staged our little reunion. I hoped to make myself look like an investigator to make our meeting-up look legit, but the family resemblance was too much to ignore. After the meeting the mission president wanted to know if I was his dad.
That Purdue ward was really fun, much like the various other wards that I attended when I was a student here in Utah. The place was swarming with missionaries though. I don't know how you put them off for so long.
Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004
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I'm so happy that I chanced to wander out to Hatrack today! I have always admired your faith and strength in making this decision, and I'm glad to have read about your experience. Posts: 1635 | Registered: Aug 2002
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*laugh* I was going to ask that, but I got distracted and forgot. Thanks, celia.
Females who are between the ages of 21 and 25 are women, not girls. Unless, of course, they want to be girls. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Thanks Hobbes. You know I think you're terrific.
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