posted
I will not disclose my identity because the things I wish to talk about are things that I find deeply personal and a change in my display is the perfect facade to keep them anonymous.
Where shall I start? I have figured things out in my life. The main reason I feel empty, abandoned and socially handicapped. As a child, I didn't have any friends. None. I grew up as a child who was pointed at and laughed at for my odd ways and outlandish ways of thinking. As I grew older, I didn't develop the social skills needed to grow into an adult. In many ways, I feel like I am but a 10 year-old who's mind never grew with her body. However, I realize that not having any friends is not the main reason that I feel this way. I am also hindered in a different way. I don't know how to say this, but I was molested as a child. It is a difficult topic for me to talk about, but I know that I must talk it out once and for all. Some of you may know who I am by now, and to those I beg silence and secrecy of my identity for my sake. Don't speak of it outside this thread. Yes, I was molested as a child, by two people close to me. I use the term "molest" because what happened to me, I cannot consider rape simply because there was no penetration involved; however, pretty much everything else, within the grounds of what is considered "common sexual practices", was involved.
The persons involved, hurt me in ways I never thought imaginable. One day, I made it stop. I simply said "no", and while that was a great step for me, it was in no way the end of my suffering. All of my relationships so far have been complete disasters because of the ghosts of the past that still haunt me. I cannot feel completely comfortable with a man, I always feel uneasy, self-conscious and insecure about myself. I can't open up to any of my partners, and therefore I cannot form a connection to them. The result is that none of the men I dated could understand me enough to know what was wrong with me and I couldn't tell them. Without understanding, a relationship dies naturally, and so it came to be.
I once came close to actually sleeping with someone and it was a disaster because I couldn't stop crying. I simply kept saying that "I was afraid" and that I couldn't do it. He asked what was wrong with me, he really wanted to know, but I just couldn't tell him because I was afraid of his reaction. Besides, some of the men I had dated had some traumatic experiences in their childhood as well that I felt dwarfed my own dilemma, an example was a man who's mother had killed herself when he was a child and several family arguments regarding his custody had followed because his father had died long before his own mother.
I'm not entirely sure how I expect Hatrack to help me here, I'm guessing that the only reason I am posting this is because I need to let it out somehow and if doing so helps me, then so much the better.
I wish I had someone that would say, "Let's go to the movies." "Do you want to do something today?" "Let's get icecream!" every once in a while. Someone to talk to and feel completely comfortable with.
I'd like a special someone and what not, but I realize that before I can truly be with that person I must get over the nightmares that still haunt me. The question is, How can I do this on my own?
I know that the obvious answer is "go to therapy", but I am looking for yout own thoughts and advice, not the therapists. It goes without saying that I will indeed seek out therapy because I just cannot live a full life this way.
Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
It is horrible when such awful things occur in a child's life. I know from personal experience that events can cripple you, but it is very important to keep in mind at all times that it wasn't your fault. While most of the work in recovering must be done by yourself, that doesn't mean others cannot help you. Therapists will say much the same, they can only help you to recognize patterns, but you have to change them. I'm still dealing with some problems of my own, but I must admit that just having caring friends can ease the change somewhat. Slowly you'll find that it'll become easier to open up to people. It has been that way for me, at least.
I wish you strength on your road to recovery and hope that in time you may find that special someone.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
Well, you have done the all-important first step: you've told someone (us). I think it's also important to *keep* telling someone, until the fear of talking about it is no longer powerful.
As you say, how can you get over this on your own? You can't! (So they all say.) But you don't have to be on your own. You may want to keep talking here, or to other people in your life; and also to others who have had the same type of experience.
I don't like to give advice, but since you asked ... the psychodrama done by ManKind Project and Woman Within seems to really work at getting through issues from the past without taking decades to process it. That might be useful to you.
Best of luck to you.
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I'm not sure I understand what you're asking. If you're looking for your own thoughts, then how will you find them here? If you're looking for someone who will actually be there with you, well...it's possible that someone here could do that, but only if they knew your true identity.
This isn't exactly the same problem that I'm dealing with myself, of course, but my own answer is to accept that there isn't anyone like that, at least not for now. I'd like to have companionship and all that, but it isn't realistic and a miracle isn't going to occur anytime soon. I think that your case is probably a little different, but perhaps some elements of the same answer can apply.
If you can't handle being alone, then you have nothing positive to contribute to a relationship. That's a simple matter of fact. You need to be comfortable with who you are yourself before you can have any hope of being comfortable with someone else around. Perhaps that means coming to terms with your past, doing everything in your power to make sure that this doesn't happen again to someone else. Yes, that could mean letting everyone know that you were molested, but perhaps until you go that far you'll always feel complicit in what happened and what might happen.
Whatever you need to do to make yourself the kind of person you want to be, do it.
Posts: 763 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Some good advice here... and it is simultaneously as simple as Survivor's "learn to be comfortable alone" and as complicated as the Gordian Knot. In fact, that particular myth is exactly appropriate -- there's no "solving" it... you just have to find out what it takes to cut right through it and then do it. Bear in mind, too, that "Simple" and "Easy" are two entirely different things.
I don't know how long you've been here, but I did a few landmarks (the first two under my old screen name of T. Analog Kid) dealing with my molestation and my journey through therapy (including an example of psychodrama), what I thought was the rescue and turned out, subsequently, to be the dissolution of my marriage, and what "finding myself" has meant. The odd thing is, I don't feel like I have changed-- just freed from the trap of hating myself for being myself-- but when I go back and read those landmarks... well, I say some things in them that really, for me, highlight exactly what has changed. They may be of benefit to you, or they may not. I don't really know.
What I do know is: there is hope. I can tell you that the journey through therapy to learning how to love and, more importantly and fundamentally, how to be loved is so worthwhile as to be beyond description. As I have said elsewhere, I think that is the "pearl of great price" or "the kingdom of heaven" from the Gospel readings and the entire point of the Christian religion. I am not here concerned to promote Christianity, but to say that I would place learning to be loved on the same level as "the soul's eternal salvation" in terms of importance. In fact, I'll say it's more important than slavation for the same reason that it's more important than learning how to love-- in both cases, learning to receive love is a prerequisite.
But the important point is, it can be done.
The only other thing I have to offer is that if you are within any reasonable driving distance of Allen, Tx. (North Dallas Suburb), I can recommend a truly excellent therapist.
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
I'm sorry to hear about your pain, and I'm glad you've decided to go to therapy.
Your reaching the point of telling your molesters "No!" was huge--it says so much about your strength as a person. But obviously there's a lot of healing that has to happen. I'm so sorry. The fact that you are ready to talk about it means everything. If you can get to the point of trusting someone IRL enough to talk about it, then you'll be on your way. Just remember that as you heal, it won't be something you have to tell everyone in order to build relationships of trust. As you deal with this, it will diminish in its power over you.
Please don't diminish your pain and struggles because they might seem smaller than someone else's. It's not a contest. We all have to overcome what we have to overcome. The damage inflicted on you was huge. But you can heal.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Stormy, I appreciate what you are trying to say-- and that you tried to be delicate-- but the damage is real... the choice resides in repairing it.
The danger (in my experience) is in choosing to ignore what was done and say "I'm just not going to let this affect me". All that does is blind you to the effect the damage *is* having on you.
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
On a more practical note, something that works for me is writing goals out. When I was younger I was going through some rough times. Nothing too horrible, but I was hurt by some people and didn't like the feeling. So I wrote a piece of paper which outlined ways to keep from getting hurt anymore. I titled it "The Answers" and taped it on the wall next to my bed where I saw it everyday for at least 2 years. I'm reasonably sure I incurred more damage with that one piece of paper than anything else in my life. It shaped the person I became and, while other things definitely contributed, led to me descending into a very, very dark place. One I almost didn't come out of. Also, I used to carry around a notebook which I wrote my thoughts into. It reached a point where every single thing I wrote down was depressing and anxiety producing. And I couldn't break the habit. I couldn't force myself to write positive things. I eventually stopped carrying around the notebook and still don't today, because I don't think I could control it.
So I guess what I'm saying is that physical representations of thoughts have power. The examples I gave were negative, but I'm sure hoping that power can be used for positive too. I'm working on a new list of "Answers" which will go on my wall and hopefully heal some of the damage of the last batch. It's likely that I'm somewhat abnormal in this, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.
Edit to clarify my point: Maybe try working on creating some sort of a "healing to do list". For me, I prefer big general things which are defined by the situation at hand, but maybe you would do better with specifics. Find out what works for you and implement it. No lollygagging or procrastinating, just do it.
Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
This may not be what you want to hear, and I'm not going to pretend my situation is the same as yours, but sometimes talking about it DOESN'T help.
I had a problem when I was younger (that still comes back from time to time) with a self destructive behavior that I won't elaborate on, not because I'm afraid to talk about it but because I don't want to spread my issues over your thread, but suffice to say it's viewed as an unhealthy behavior.
Talking about it never really helped, it only reminded me of the problem and made it worse, until I started talking to people who shared the same problem as I did. The problem with talking to helpful people who don't understand is that all they can do is listen and offer good sounding advice that doesn't always fit the mold. It's like ramming a square peg into a round hole, but there's nothing WRONG with the square peg, it just doesn't fit.
If you're already uncomfortable sharing something you feel no one will understand, I'd suggest trying to find a support group with people who share the same history, or even just finding one person who does. It helped me greatly for awhile, until I was able to battle my demons on my own. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to regular people about it, but I think talking to someone who has a better chance of understanding, especially if that person has already put it behind them, is a great short cut. You'll probably have to wage much of this mental battle by yourself, but that doesn't mean you can't have a cheerleader in your corner. If you're uncomfortable asking around, maybe you could even try Hatrack and ask if anyone here shares the problem and feels comfortable enough to email you about it and talk privately.
posted
I'm not much by the way of advice, but I do have a book recommendation: How to Cook Your Daughter by Jessica Hendra.
I feel kind of sleezy just recommending a book and then leaving, but I really have no good advice, and it was a very good book. About a girl whose father molested her and never in his life admitted it, even though he had plenty of opportunities to. Maybe it's similar to your situation. (She did go on to have a successful marriage and has a couple kids, so maybe you can get some advice from her).
Posts: 930 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
Other people's pain does not negate your pain. You deserve sympathy for what happened to you. You deserve to be able to work through your own issues and become whole.
I haven't experienced what you have experienced. (I've got my own issues, though.) But I've read a lot and I think that children who are molested feel unworthy to be loved in a normal fashion. Maybe your first step is to realize that you are worthy - you are worthy of the best that life can offer.
On the topic of not "fitting in" as a child, I think a lot of people feel that way. I was always the odd person out. My sister and I were teased unmercifully in school. Part of the reason was probably because my dad was an unpopular teacher and my classmates heard stories about him from older siblings. I was accused of having my dad "fix" my grades when I was in elementary school (he taught 9th-grade science). I replied that if my dad fixed my grades, he could do better than C's and D's.
My point here is that many people feel unwelcome or like they don't fit in when they are young. I'm 46 now and I've given up on trying to be in the popular crowd. I talk to people that I like to talk to. I like people of all ages, not just people in my expected social group. You can find friends among people you never expected if you open up your expectations. It can be hard to come out of your shell, I know.
No great advice here, just hope, I guess.
Posts: 2034 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
The odds are against it, and it may not be what you need, but if you happen to be in/near Seattle, message me if you'd like someone to grab a meal, have a conversation or catch a film with. Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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