quote:"The odor of his presence is constantly flooding my nostrils, reminding me of his unholy existence. His green eyes are always searching me, as if he were my superior because of his improper stature, which keeps him closer to the Lord of Darkness, incarnate of all evil; his master. Always I try to vanquish this evil in my midst, but never succeed. I can't succeed because of these ignorant bipeds. They always stop us at our moment of triumph, withholding us from accomplishing our God-given duty. How can they be so naive? Their pictures indicate that they perceive of the existence of The Terrible One, and yet they do not - or worse; cannot - destroy His servants. To the contrary, they hold them in their own residence, feeding them, as if they were our equals! For centuries we have tried to teach them, but only get unintelligible, drawn-out sounds as replies. Sometimes they'll go as far as to punish - no, torture - me; hitting me with bundled papers, shaking aluminum cans filled with their useless currency, and even picking me up and placing me outside. I fear someday this "punishment" will become fatal, but when that day comes, I will die a martyr.
The beings have long been deemed void of intelligence. These brutes seem to rely more on knowledge than instinct. When will they understand? Knowledge is only what you learn; instinct is what you already know without having to learn it. Instinct is God's gift; knowledge is only that of your acquaintances. Do they hold their friends in higher esteem than the Almighty? No, perhaps they just don't comprehend his existence...But they must, as they're pictures show that they comprehend his nemesis! The only person who has their face in as many pictures is another biped with extra fur near and around his mouth. Is this who they believe is God? Once again, their ignorance is put in the spotlight. You can try to mimic a dog's complexion, but God created dogs in his image, and it is dogs who are his people. "
Two points for providing critique. Critique must be more substantial than “I like it” or “good flow.” If I’m not sure if something counts as critique, I’ll award one point. Critique points can be earned even after the round is officially over.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
posted
The quotations make me think this is a fictional excerpt from something that might be a holy book. This is kind of hard for me to read but I don't really know why. It's heady. Sorry, that doesn't really help.
Typo: middle of the third paragraph "as they're pictures show". You know "they're" should be "their".
The beginning has a nice hook in describing him. I get lost at the mention of servants. It might be an inner sensor that turns me off when I notice something trying to get me to think a certain way. It's a little pedantic at that point.
posted
Heh... I had to read this twice before I understood it, but that just may be because my brain is fried from studying.
Some of the punctuation with the hyphens and semicolons feels a little weird to me -- "not - or worse; cannot - destroy" and " punish - no, torture - me;". I don't know that it's actually WRONG, it just doesn't flow well. The whole thing sounds like a neat idea, it's just not easy reading.
posted
Very clever concept. Interesting execution -- although I agree that it's a tad difficult to read. Many subtle bits (like who the servants of The Terrible One must be, *snicker*) show up with a second reading, though.
posted
It gives away too many jokes too quickly to be really effective, IMO. The author's too proud of the conceit, and rushes into it -- which suggests to me that this section was either written specifically for the game or by someone who hasn't yet learned to have faith in his or her readers. I get a "techie girl" vibe from this one, so it's a shame that the only techie female with a dog obsession has already been guessed.
That in mind, I'll say Brinestone.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
"... but God created dogs in his image, and it is dogs who are his people."
That last line gets me every single time I read it. I like this composition, it has a fun premis and the author has the conviction to carry it through to its logical extreme. As for the criticism that this piece is a little hard to read, I think that may be deliberate. The slightly disjointed pacing of the sentences adds to the alien feeling of the narrative.
I think it is Troubadour.
Posts: 1592 | Registered: May 2000
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quote: I don't know that it's actually WRONG, it just doesn't flow well. The whole thing sounds like a neat idea, it's just not easy reading.
It's interesting that you equate my writing with difficult reading... I'll work on it I suppose.
It is a funny read, once you get to the ending. The humor says Jon Boy, but some of the syntax is not up to his level of writing. I would say I'm pretty sure it was a man who wrote this. eslaine?
Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
I must say this one is a little opaque. Too many pronouns, I think. It's impossible to tell who is speaking. I'm thinking it's some kind of Dog Overlord. Maybe a wolf? I don't think I could read a whole story written like this. Not that it's poorly written, just so convoluted. Any action there is is buried within this musing of some arrogant character.
What makes it hard to understand, perhaps, is that if it is some kind of dog mentality that perceives humans as bipeds with improper stature, the narrator knows too much about aluminum cans, money, and pictures, which IMO wouldn't be too important to a dog. A spotlight is also mentioned, which is a very human idiom. And would a dog ever use the word "complexion"?
I'm going to guess Twinky.
[ April 30, 2004, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
I think the idea is one that could be quite good, but the execution could use some work. It needs to be either much more subtle or even more over the top. That is, since the concept is one of misdirection, making it very subtle would work very well. Reveal things slowly, actually try to fool the reader, and then the payoff at the end is much greater. On the other hand, the concept is also ridiculous, so playing that up can also work. Think Terry Pratchett or Monty Python. If you're going to be over the top, you can't half-ass it.
You also want to make sure that you don't leave things obfuscated at the end. For example, in this part:
quote:they do not - or worse; cannot - destroy His servants. To the contrary, they hold them in their own residence, feeding them, as if they were our equals
I assume the "servants" are cats, but that's never really made clear. The thing about this kind of story is that by the end of the piece, everything you have hidden should be made clear.
Aside from that, watch the comma usage. I have comma problems too, so I know how they can sneak up on you, but you do need to be careful not to overuse them.
Like I said, the idea could be very good, so if you're into writing, keep at it. Maybe take a class or two, but at the least practice, practice, practice. Technique can be developed, so if you've got the spark, you can become a good writer.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
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I liked the premise and general idea of this, but there were bits that bugged me:
quote: evil in my midst
For some reason 'my midst' doesn't work for me. Midst for me means general area of a group of somethings. 'Our midst' flows better for me, and seems less self-centred of the doggy-narrator.
quote: own residence
Residences?
quote: shaking aluminum cans filled with their useless currency
This is an interpretation thing, but as a dog I would think of this as less of a torture that is impossible to overcome than more of something to be indured, to stand my ground against, like nails on a chalkboard.
quote: I will die a martyr.
I like this; I feel like this dog's heroic feelings should be more a part of the paragraph, rather than just a single line. This is the bit that stirs my revolutionary feelings.
posted
The more I reread this one, the more I pick up and the more I'm amused by the idea. I really think the author should play with it a little, and something quite funny could come out.
I'm going to go with Da_Goat, because I think he could come up with an idea like this.
Posts: 4292 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
Oh man, this is awesome. I love the high-mindedness of the narrator and the way it sneaks up on you that he's a dog. There are a few errors, such as the already-mentioned they're. Also it would be best to clarify the identity of the nemesis. If not now, then later. I guess it's a cat but I can't be sure.
To clear up some confusion: no, it was not written solely for Guess The Author. I wrote it about a month before I even signed up for Hatrack.
As for the "servants" not tying into the rest of the story, I know. Part of the problem is that this is only an excerpt of a sort-of story (latest entry on my Blog if you're interested. Sorry about the UBB code). I wrote the story in an effort to think up a premise for a novel I was itching to write. When I finished the story, I decided that I had too many ideas to fit into a single book. Then I thought "Hey, maybe I should write three books - one in a cat's view, one in a dog's view, and one in a human's view". But then I decided that would be too much work, and I gave up.
posted
If Jeni had come to the Midwest Gathering at my house, and if I hadn't hid the file with the Guess the Author samples on it before said gathering, I'd be absolutely sure that she cheats.
But since she didn't, and I did, I guess she's just really good at this.
And this is my 3999th post. I'll have to post a landmark thread before starting the next round.
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I'll work on it I suppose.
