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This has been the day from hell. I lost my summer job and I figured out that I'm failing most of my classes. None of my friends go to this school, and my family's on vacation.
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One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of no where. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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"Roman Polanski won the best director Oscar for his film 'the Pianist' although he couldn't come to the Unites States to pick up the statue. Apparently Polanski said, 'Picking up something that small is what got me into trouble in the first place.'"
"DC Comics announced that in their next issue, 'Wonder Woman' will cut off her long hair and go for a more punk look. She will then team up with Supergirl, but not to fight crime."
"Producers of "The Bachelor" say the next bachelor is a "wine freak" who lives with a roommate. When asked what qualities his ideal woman would have, he said, 'A penis.'"
Those were some of my favorite Conan jokes. Hang in there Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
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These two cavemen were sitting out in the bush discussing their new inventions. It was a bit of a bragging contest, but as how football hadn't been invented yet, it served to pass the time.
So the first guy lifts a round disk above his head, shakes it about and then throws it spinning down the side of the mountain, roaring "I invented a wheel!"
The second caveman just sits there watching, all debonair in his crushed velvet hat, suede vest, low-rider jeans, and snakeskin boots. He leans back and drawls ....
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"So what? I invented attire." Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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More Richard Lederer goodness: Minstranslations. My favorite:
quote: From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
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One muffin says to another muffin... "Hey Jerry, I'm getting a little worried. Seems to me it's getting awful hot in here." The other muffin says, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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Well if you didn't already see the cat movie I made I suggest you do. Some people thought it was funny, some thought it was bizare, but I don't mind. http://karnivore47.tripod.com/ then find "THE CAT MOVIE I MADE" link. Sorry if this doesn't amuse you.
Posts: 76 | Registered: Mar 2003
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We went to a reptile show at a nature museum last week and my first grader was actually fairly adept at answering a lot of the questions. On the way home I commented on how I was glad how smart my child is. The child says "yeah, I'm an answering MACHINE!"
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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I don't know if this will make you laugh but I hope you enjoy it anyway:
My friends and I were working on a short film about the First Crusade when they started joking about how we should be the "crusaders who say ni" and I immediately thought of you. ::hugs::
Hope it all turns out for the best!
Posts: 1548 | Registered: Aug 2002
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I don't know if these are real or not, but they're funny!
THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 11. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND PRINTED IN "FORTUNE" MAGAZINE
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I've never quit a job." 22. "Marital status: often. Children: various." 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions." 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten." 26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS OR O.E.R.s (OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS)
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 3. A room temperature IQ. 4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 7. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December. 8. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 9. Donated his body to science before he was done using it. 10. Fell out of the family tree. 11. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 12. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 13. He's so dense, light bends around him. 14. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. 15. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 16. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 17. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 18. One neuron short of a synapse. 19. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge -- he only gargled. 20. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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One day, three friends named Bob, Jim, and Doo-dah got their gear and went fishing. They sat out on the boat all day long but they didn't get a single bite.
Suddenly, Doo-dah jumped up and said, "Jim, what time is it?"
Jim checked his watch and said, "It's almost four-thirty."
"Oh no!" said Doo-dah. "I told my wife I'd go to the bank before I came home, and it closes at five. Hurrry up and row me back. I gotta hurry."
"No way!" said Jim. "We haven't even caught anything yet! We're not rowing back until I catch a fish."
They argued about it for ten minutes, while Bob sat there in silence. (He had a stuttering problem and didn't like to talk much.) Finally, Doo-dah gave up and said, "Fine, if you won't take me, I'll just swim back," and he jumped in the river and started to swim. Unfortunately he had underestimated the distance, and halfway back he stopped swimming and sunk. Jim and Bob rowed back as fast as they could, but it was clear that Doo-dah had drowned.
Now they had the problem of who was going to tell Doo-dah's wife.
"I don't want to tell her," said Jim. "You do it."
"I-I-I...c-c-c-can't..., J-jim..." Bob tried to explain that his stuttering just got worse when he was nervous, but he couldn't get the words out.
"Fine," said Jim. "We'll flip a coin. Call it in the air." He tossed the coin.
"T-t-tails."
It was heads. Jim showed him the coin, and Bob's heart sank. They rowed the boat to shore and drove to Doo-dah's house. The whole time, Bob was getting more and more nervous, and he didn't know what he was going to do.
The arrived at Doo-dah's, and Bob walked to the front door. He was almost crying from his worry. He rang the doorbell, and Doo-dah's wife answered.
"Hi there, Bob, what's up?" she said.
"M-m-miss-miss...missus D-doo..."
"Whoa, Bob, what's the matter? Calm down! What is it you're trying to say?"
"I-I-I-I'm s-sorry...I-I-I c-can't..." Bob was getting very frustrated trying to talk.
"Bob, wait. I can see you're nervous. Have you ever heard of Mel Tillis?"
"Y-yes," said Bob.
"Well, he's a famous singer, but he stutters horribly when he's speaking. But somehow, whenever he sings, it's perfect. Can you tell me whatever it is you want to say by singing it?"
Bob cleared his throat and took a deep breath. Then he sang:
"We went fishin' and guess who drowned, Doo-dah, Doo-dah..." . . . . . . . . This is funnier when you hear the "Camptown Races" tune while it's being told. Sorry, but it's my favorite joke.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Posts: 13 | Registered: Sep 2003
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Nothing like some good old billboards we's like to see from dribbleglass.com to make me laugh. The first time I found these I honestly laughed so hard I was crying.
And, of course, engrish is always good as well.
Posts: 240 | Registered: Jun 2003
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