Is there really going to be an Ender's Game movie?
No. OSC went along with the Wolfgang Peterson announcement because of his respect for Peterson's work, but in fact the announcement is just a cover to allow Peterson to distract rabid Internet gossip while he actually films The Neverending Story, part III. Ender's Game is set to be filmed next year as a low-budget BBC series. Lourdes Ritchies (Madonna's daughter) will play the role of Ender (obviously the screenplay has been changed to make Ender a girl). The role of Bean will be played by Elijah Wood using the movie magic of forced perspective to make him appear the correct size.
Is it true that OSC wrote the insults for Monkey Island?
Yes. But what you may not know is that as a result of that work, OSC was recruited by the Dukakis presidential campaign (this was back when Uncle Orson was a "real" Democrat) to write "smear" TV and print ads in case Dukakis needed to fight dirty against the other Democratic candidates. Most of the ads never ran.
Does OSC really think that Jake Lloyd is a better actor than that kid from the Sixth Sense?
Of course not. He only made those comments because he hates George Lucas and wanted to place all the blame of Episode I, including Lloyd's wooden performance, squarely on Lucas's shoulders. In fact, Jake Lloyd isn't a real person. He's a puppet created and puppeteered by Frank Oz with a digitally-created human overlay.
Why does OSC hate psychologists?
Those of you crazy stalker fans who have plotted out the entire OSC life chronology have probably wondered about those three mysterious missing months in 1985. OSC actually spent those months learning the art of mime and physical comedy in Paris from Marcel Marceau. Near the end of his time there, his lovely wife Kristine flew to join him for some sightseeing. OSC planned a romantic dinner at Le Differance one of Paris's finest bistros. Unfortunately when he got there he discovered that he had been bumped because Kinki Bourgioueau, Paris's pre-eminent Lacanian psychoanalyst, had shown up at the last minute and demanded a table (and the place was totally booked). OSC made the mistake of confronting her. An ugly scene involving pate and angry words about the mirror stage ensued. The whole experience soured OSC on the entire profession.
Is that guy who posts on this board claiming to be OSC's son really his son and is he really a game developer?
No. OSC's son Jeff Card lives in Memphis where he works as a claims adjustor for State Farm. He and his wife Violet sell scrapbooking materials on the side. He does, however, post on this board under the handles "Lalo" and "Scott R."
I've read most of OSC's books except for "Ainge." What is it about? Is it worth buying off of e-Bay?
Most definitely. Die-hard OSC fans (including both Papa Moose and Tom Davidson) think that "Ainge" is one of his most powerful books. It tells the story of a young doctor living in Victorian England who discovers the secret to time-travel. He travels forward to the year 3045 where he saves the inhabitants of a Utopian society from a nasty skin condition that has left them hairless and scabrous and battles an evil man who may or may not be the fifth incarnation of Jack the Ripper.
Is OSC Mormon?
Yep. Dyed in the wool. True blue. Through and through. [NOTE: that's an inside joke for Mormons. But for you non-Mormons, if you read pages 437-8 of the recently released The Crystal City, you'll get it].
Is there going to be another book after Children of the Mind about Peter and Wang-Mu?
Yes. OSC has been so inspired by what Stephen King has done with tying his various fictional worlds together in the Dark Tower series, that he's decided to follow suit. In the book [working title = Children of Time] Peter and Wang-Mu meet up with Jessica, the daughter of Bean and Petra, and using the technology from PastWatch they travel back to Alvin's time and recruit him to travel to the future and transmute the descadola virus so that it is no longer deadly. Meanwhile Wang-Mu turns bad, hooks up with Calvin, and the two of them travel forward in time and capture the technology of the Oversoul and then, naturally, go further forward in time to set up the empire that is later destroyed in Treason.
Does OSC want to read my Ender's Game script?
Sure, why not? E-mail it to OrsunScotCardd@abl.con
EDIT: Title change to reflect update
[ December 01, 2003, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: Zalmoxis ]
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
NOTE: I shouldn't have to post this, but I've seen the e-mails that you people forward without consulting snopes, and I've read your posts on slashdot so JUST TO BE CLEAR -- all of the above is obviously parody. If I see any of this stuff showing up decontextualized or misquoted on TheForce.net or aintitcoolsnews, you will feel my wrath come down upon you in the form of a sudden, violent hailstorm -- the hailstones will be the size of quail eggs and will have sharp, jagged ridges.
EDIT: all of the above *and* all of the below
[ December 02, 2003, 12:55 AM: Message edited by: Zalmoxis ]
Posted by fiazko (Member # 5812) on :
hi, my name is fiazko, and i'm gullible. one question. *ahem* (in my best vern from stand by me after gordy's story imitation) are you aware that there already is a neverending story part iii, or was that part of the joke?
otherwise, i was highly amused.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
Is there going to be another Endercon? Can it not be in Utah?
You mean you didn't get your invitat... Err. I mean. Ummm. No there will not be another Endercon. On a completely unrelated note -- I'm going to be in Bismarck North Dakota Jan. 23-25 for a <wink> <wink> business trip. Should any other Jatraqueros also be traveling there on a <wink> <wink> business trip during that same period of time, I'd love to be able to split a room.
Does OSC truly hate literary fiction?
Nah. His publishers make him take that stance. Although he's not fond of David Foster Wallace, David Sedaris, Dave Eggers or [or maybe he just hates writers named David], he did thoroughly enjoy _The Corrections_ when he read it for Oprah's Book Club, and his lovely wife Kristine recently bought him a new hardbound copy of Don Delillo's _Underworld_ because his first copy is falling apart from so much rereading.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Wow, Children of Time sounds like an all time literary classic.
can't wait for its release..........
[ November 17, 2003, 08:44 PM: Message edited by: imogen ]
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Ohmiheck, Zal, that is the coolest, funniest, bestest, Hatrackiest thing I've read, ever. You're a clever, clever guy. But you know that. You have to. You're insightful and clever enough to observe and write this; you HAVE to know how great this is.
-----
*grin* It's simply wonderful.
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
ROFLMAO!
Zal, this is the funniest thing ever written in the English language.
No, seriously.
[ November 19, 2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Jon Boy ]
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
Ah, now I feel the love.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Don't pay any attention to them... People who have to be directed to parody. The real geniuses among us (geniuii?) recognised your brilliance when you first posted it!
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
imogen: true -- your props have already been duly given
Posted by Jeni (Member # 1454) on :
Oh man, this is classic. Thanks, Zal.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
For the record, I read this when it was first posted.
I was simply laughing far too hard to reply.
Zal
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
I'm waiting for Zal to end this ugly charade and run off with me to Mexico.
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
Aren't we all?
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Jon Boy, this is three days in a row you have made me laugh. Yay!
[ November 20, 2003, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
The unfortunate thing is that there are many people who don't approve of the metrosexual lifestyle. Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
Poor, unappreciated joke. Rest in peace, friend.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
I really shouldn't be encouraged.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
I really want to go to the next signing, but all I have is a paperback copy of Ender's Game that my strange Aunt Eileen gave me three years ago for my birthday. Is that cool?
Of course. Bring your ratty old copy of Enders Game. OSC enjoys not signing the book he's currently promoting. It makes for a nice change of pace. In fact, he'll even sign books he didn't write. He especially likes it when fans bring copies of the paperback, movie tie-in edition of Starship Troopers. You know the one with Casper van Dien on the cover. Yah. Bring that.
I went to OSC's other Web site Nauvoo.com and I don't get it. Please explain.
There's really nothing to explain. The pathetic amount of content there is so not the point. Here's the deal: OSC gets thousands of dollars annually from the great state of Illinois to use his celebrity to promote tourism to the fabulous city of Nauvoo. You know the links on the front page to "Nauvoo Tourism Office" and "Nauvoo Chamber of Commerce"? Those are the only reason the site exists. All the other stuff is just enough filler to make the site seem semi-legit -- including the forum filled with shell-shocked Beliefnet refugees.
I want to be a published author just like you. I have lots of great ideas, but it's really hard to actually write the stories. Is there any hope for me?
There's always hope. And today is your lucky day because I have the perfect solution for you -- it's a little something called plagiarism. Okay. So here's what you do: According to Sturgeon's law, 10% of the sci-fi out there is good and 90% is crud. And say 35% of that crap still sells. That leaves 65% of the stuff that's completely forgotten. Start trolling garage sales and buy up books by anyone that you haven't heard of until you find one that matches your own ideas (approximately). Key the book into a word processor. Change the title and the character names, rewrite a few pages (probably only need to do that to the first and last page), and you're ready to send it out. You may be concerned that you'll get caught. Don't be. There used to be sci-fi editors out there who actually knew the field, but since the media conglomeration mergers of the 90s, all the junior editors are literature majors fresh out of Ivy League colleges who spend most of their time not writing the Great American Novel and trolling publishing gossip blogs like Gawker and bookslut, and the older editors just don't give a crap anymore. NOTE: you also might want to check University libraries for old sci-fi to "borrow." Most of them went on an acquisition spree in the 60s (back when the whole scene was fashionable), but these days they don't bother with sci-fi -- if they even bother to buy current fiction, it's all Sandra Cisneros and Toni Morrison now.
How come Fresco Pictures hasn't updated its Web site in like forever?
Hey! No news is good news. Now stop whining and go download "Remind Me Again" again.
I've really been disappointed in the forwards/afterwords of OSC's last few books. They've basically been political screeds. Is that going to change anytime soon?
First: You are the only one who reads them. So, you know. Whatever.
Second: Marketing execs at Tor and Del Ray have had the same concerns and have convinced OSC to tone things down a bit. For instance, in the forward to his next book, OSC will chat about his childhood puppy, his favorite Christmases over the years, the joys of spring in rural North Carolina, and the romantic trip he and Kristine took to Tuscany a few years ago.
What's with the cheesy cover art on the Alvin books? Did OSC approve them?
Not only did he approve them -- he approves of them. Seriously. You sci-fi readers who dabble in fantasy need to get over yourselves and accept the fact that fantasy novels are essentially romance novels but with elves and fairies and magic and dragons and such. Face it. Alvin is a hunk. The cover art simply reflects that fact. And wait till you see the off the shoulder dress Peggy is wearing for the projected cover of Master Alvin. Talk about a torch! Rowwwr!
Why won't OSC answer my e-mails?
It's probably because you ask him a lame, esoteric, out of the blue question like:
"On page 189 of his work 'On Moral Fiction' (a book you cite several times in your writings on literary fiction), John Gardner writes, 'the Romantic age produced more Southeys than Keatses, as the American version produced more Lucretia Maria Davidsons than Poes. It has always been easier to define one's character in terms of those things one is not than to say what one is, and easier still if the things one is not are all straw men, like the Zeboamites invented by the Mormons.' I consider myself fairly well-versed in Mormon theology and folk doctrine, but I've never heard of the Zeboamites. A quick internet search turned up nothing (and with all the apologists, gospel hobbyists and splinter groups who have Web sites these days, you'd think that if it existed it'd be out there). Do you have any idea what Gardner is talking about or where he might have got that from? And what was your reaction on first reading it?"
How come OSC doesn't update Uncle Orson's Writing Class more often?
You know the Fox special "Magicians Secrets Revealed" where the "masked magician" shows the tricks behind sawing people in half and the like? Uncle Orson's Writing Class is just like that -- but without the mask. Other sci-fi writers absolutely hate him for it. In fact, at the last SFWA luncheon, Greg Bear refused to shake his hand, Ursula K. Le Guin threw a dinner roll at him, and Harlan Ellison had to be restrained by three burly young cyber-punk authors (four if you count Tad Williams). If you really want serious Uncle Orson writing secrets you should buy Character and Viewpoint and How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy. They're like The Anarchists Cookbook of speculative fiction.
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
Keep it coming, Zal. This is good stuff.
And of course, now my link doesn't make sense because I can't link to the specific day's comic. Sigh.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Zal, this really is great. Posted by prolixshore (Member # 4496) on :
HAHAHAHA
--ApostleRadio
Posted by Irami Osei-Frimpong (Member # 2229) on :
Well done, Zal.
Posted by Strider (Member # 1807) on :
I thought there already was a Neverending Story III...
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
Strider: *pssst* see fiazko's post above -- he already beat you to it.
[So here's the trivia question for the day -- did Wolfgang Peterson direct Neverending Story III?]
Posted by Strider (Member # 1807) on :
wasn't Jack Black in 3 or was that 2?
and No, i'm pretty sure he didn't direct 2 either.
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
quote: *pssst* see fiazko's post above -- he already beat you to it.
pssst ... Zalmoxis, just to let you know, fiazko is a girl. I've met her and everything. Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Jon, the context of your metrosexual comment supports what I used to think it was, and not what people told me it is. But then, I clicked on the Mallard link and I still didn't get it.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
Thanks. My apologies, fiazko. This shows the need for not only a Hatrack couples index [which should be expanded to siblings, cousins, hunting buddies, etc.], but also a gender one.
Posted by Sarcasm (Member # 4653) on :
Pooka, read the comics from October 29 to November 6.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
So does it follow that a woman who doesn't wear makeup or shave her legs but isn't lesbian is a metrosexual?
Posted by fiazko (Member # 5812) on :
Well, crap. I was about to thank beatnix for setting the record straight regarding my gender, but if the answer to pooka's question is yes, Zal might be on to sonething.
Maybe there should be three choices: male, female, or up in the air.
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
quote: In fact, at the last SFWA luncheon, Greg Bear refused to shake his hand, Ursula K. Le Guin threw a dinner roll at him, and Harlan Ellison had to be restrained by three burly young cyber-punk authors (four if you count Tad Williams). If you really want serious Uncle Orson writing secrets you should buy Character and Viewpoint and How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy. They're like The Anarchists Cookbook of speculative fiction.
*weeps*
*coughs*
Really, I'm not kidding! *coughs some more*
Ahhhhh. I have to breathe deeply.
That was funny Zal.
Posted by ssywak (Member # 807) on :
I'm sorry, did I mis-read something?
Jack Black as Graff?
(going back to sleep, now)
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
fiazko, if we expand the number of gender geometrically, we increase the number of sexual preferences exponentially.
Posted by fiazko (Member # 5812) on :
Ok, pooka, that is pretty much gobblety-gook to me, but I get the idea it would be a bad thing. So would the third gender be considered "semisexuals" and what would the conservatives do with that?
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
Zal.
People are taking it seriously!!
You WIN!
It's just perfect!!
(You realize that we're going to need to do another thread to repair all the damage and false information you've released, don't you?!)
Posted by Tendril (Member # 5977) on :
quote:All the other stuff is just enough filler to make the site seem semi-legit -- including the forum filled with shell-shocked Beliefnet refugees.
ROFLMBOTNTPMP!
(from one of those 'refugees')
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
Stephen:
You are mistaken.
Just got off the phone with the casting agent for the BBC series [see the first item above] -- Jack Black has been signed to play Sister Carlotta. His appearance in the video for the Foo Fighters single "Low" helped sell the idea and then his screen test (which was described to me as 'astounding on many levels') sealed the deal.
Posted by Magson (Member # 2300) on :
quote:ROFLMBOTNTPMP!
Roll On Floor Laughing My Butt Off -- I get that part.
What's the "TNTPMP?"
Edit: I really hope it's not "Trying Not To Pee My Pants". . . .
[ December 04, 2003, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: Magson ]
Posted by Tendril (Member # 5977) on :
You're a mind-reader, Magson.
Posted by KathrynHJanitor (Member # 48) on :
I have an official comment from OSC on the biography posted by Zalmoxis:
quote:"I beg you to correct one error in the Zalmoxis critical biography: I am not a member of SFWA and do not attend their luncheons."
It must have been another luncheon where the bread-throwing incident occurred.
Apparently, everything else was gospel truth.
in the interest of accuracy, KHK
Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
You really need to post more often, Kathy.
Actually, I take that back. Take as much time writing Rasputin as you need. Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
I really need to read this side more often! Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
(since this was linked to) I didn't say exponential sexual preference is a "bad thing", just a mathmatical certainty from multiplying gender ID. Since I generally believe in monogamy, I don't think it's that big a deal. I think people should find someone they like and stick with them, and be able to get along with others without "The sex thing" getting in the way (as Harry called it). Boy, we really need a Harry on this board.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
By the way:
Bismarck was lovely. And the origins of the Zeboamites are still shrouded in mystery.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Wonderful bump.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
No seriously, this Zeboamites things is driving me crazy again.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
We're not doing your homework for you.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
Bah. I'm sure he just made it up. I wonder where the manuscripts for _On Moral Fiction_ are housed.
::does his homework::
Box 12c, University of Rochester Department of Rare Books, Special Collections and Preservation. Possibly also box 49b.
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Zal
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